epicdreams2020

...with smaller clothing and other victories. I am struggling this month and being hard on myself because my weight loss slowed. Yesterday I spilled a glass of water on the floor and cleaned the mess without assistance. I stopped for a moment and thought about how difficult (impossible) that was a few months ago. I am not always happy with the numbers on the scale, but I am happy with the changes in my body and non-scale victories. The crazy thing for me is as much as I wanted to change, I realize I never planned for succeeding. I now weigh less than I have in 25 years and barely recognize the difference. In my head, I am still almost 400 lbs, which is where I was before my December 2, 2019, gastric sleeve. I think I am more scared of succeeding than I am failing - which is weird because I have always dreamed of being smaller. The problem was that I never mentally planned for what that would look like. Now that this change has come out of my dreams and into my life, I am not sure what to do with it. Weight loss triggers a lot of painful things for me - some connected to a sense of security I felt being severely morbidly obese. I always felt this sense of invisibility, which is really weird because at 5'3 and 381 I was anything but invisible!!! Still, I need to take a step back and remember why I started this journey. I am in a self-sabotaging cycle that has made me stuck - plus or minus 8-10 lbs. I have been secluded with COVID and not reaching out for support, even with support readily available. Today I am starting my day differently going back to the basics with measuring food, drinking water, and eliminating the slider foods that trigger me to overeat. I have been bulimic for most of my life and now I am weirdly swinging the other way with not eating in regular intervals and when my body is physically hungry, I eat something. Mentally I know that I must eat to lose weight, but its a struggle with how my feelings around food trigger me to forget my diet and eat what I want. I grew accustomed to not being able to eat and hoped that would continue. Now, it depends on the day. I cannot eat a lot, but 'a lot' is relative, after the gastric sleeve. I am struggling to get back to focused efforts on mindful eating. Can anyone relate to what I am experiencing?

This may sound funny, but my boobs are literally tipping me over. I was a 46H and now the right one weighs less than the left (getting a mammogram Monday) and my gait is off. I am a size 18-20 on the bottom and whatever (???) size on top. I had spinal surgery and need tests to make sure my hardware is still intact. Either way, I need a breast reduction, which my insurance may not cover and I need to make a hefty down payment. Uggghhhh!!! It also took me months to get through the stages and honestly I am still (since 12/2/2019) between stages 3 and 4.

Not really after the first 2-3 days. because my surgeon gave me a tap block at the surgical site to reduce the post-op pain and need for medication. I had my gall bladder removed before the port site was incredibly painful. This experience was much different.

My sleeve date was 12/2/2019. I have been doing well so far, but I need to remind myself I am only 3 months post op. I am still struggling with solid foods especially meat and vomiting. I am happy with my progress. The hardest part is dealing with the mental/emotional cravings seeing and wanting foods I can no longer eat. I just take it one day at a time.

Definitely nonstick skillet with olive oil spray. I cannot handle anything greasy. I have tried them both hard and soft scrambled where they came out light and fluffy. My nutritionist recommended blended them but that smell is really off-putting. I can handle almost a whole boiled egg, but not always. I use protein shakes and water, yogurt, low fat cheese, and hummus for protein. I also add unflavored whey protein powder to things to make sure I get enough. My brain wants to eat, but the experience has become a chore I need to schedule.

Thanks! I will definitely try the greek yogurt. I have tried using only the whites or diluting them with egg whites. For some reason they come right back up.

I would reiterate what everyone has said about sticking to your doctor's plan. I am almost 3 months out and what I think I can eat and am actually able to handle are two different things. Everyone heals differently and I am still struggling with Stage 3. Even the foods that you think are soft enough do not work well. I used to love eggs but still have a hard time with them and most meat.

Lol! None of it! I still cannot handle the food chucks or digest raw veggies. I average 3-4 oz per meal. Thanks for sharing the picture since you are further out than I am. One of my fears has been that I will return to large plates of food. Glad to know I am not alone. Congratulations on your success!! Your weight loss is inspiring.

Hi Michael, I agree that you should focus more on hydration as opposed to protein intake in the beginning. I would suggest talking to your surgeon/dietician about the shakes because I started with clear liquids for the first few weeks. There are protein waters that you can use as your stomach heals. I also had trouble with thirst in the beginning and felt like I was drinking too much. Be careful and try to measure because I have thrown up from drinking too much too fast. I had one incision site that really hurt and looked bruised. The surgeon said that is usually the site of the port where they remove your stomach. It gets better though. Good luck! M-

@AJ Tylo I like that idea. Did you have any problems with constipation using them?

My starting weight was 382. I struggled with the decision to have the surgery because I will tell you that it does not fix the reasons why you eat. That is the hardest part. I went through a period after surgery of grieving for the things that I can no longer eat and not being able to turn to food to fix what I am feeling at any given time. My eating was already disordered and unhealthy, and the surgery only makes it harder to continue those disordered behaviors. As a 46 year-old female, I convinced myself that I did not care about the fat shaming and what other people thought, but I was lying to myself. WLS surgery is a very personal choice and a journey that even with all the help and support, you will ultimately walk alone. Sure, it helps when my friends and family triumph my successes, but they do not share the daily struggles of the experience. I am only 3 months post-op and the only hot tip I can give you is if/when you make the decision to move forward, you write down the reasons why. You will need to remind yourself why you started and motivate yourself to keep going.

I was actually thinking the same thing! I have such a hard time with any kind of meat, but the pureed meat thing is not appealing. I like the before and after food pictures idea. When I need a gentle nudge, I watch My 600-lb life to remind me why I am doing this.

Congratulations! I can relate. My starting weight was 382 and I have had some stall too. Just remember you got this!

I am only a few months post-op and I continue to struggle with the 'what ifs.' I had a PCP who recommended the surgery for years, but I was scared of the risks. Now, I am in my mid-40's and just try to take it one day at a time. Everyone's journey is different. Just remember 'you got this' no matter what comes your way.

I am almost 3 months post-op and my stomach still makes the churning noises, not just at night. The only thing that helps a little at night is drinking water. It is still pretty weird.

@WinterFish I can relate to what you wrote. I also became reclusive as my weight increased. One of my oldest friends is renewing her vows after 25 years in the Bahamas late next spring. I want to go, made the reservations to go, but I am not sure I will be physically or emotionally ready. I have lost over 90 lbs in the past few months, but I still feel reclusive. I do not drink either and its going to be weird being around a lot of people who do....actually it will be weird being around a lot of people at all. I am not sure what it will take to be ready or even if I will go next May. I still have a lot of healing to do before then.

Good morning everyone, I had my sleeve December 2, 2019 (8 weeks) and have had tremendous success so far. Here is the thing...I really have trouble eating/wanting to eat. Has anyone experienced this? I have this aversion to chewing in general and am swinging between stage 2 and 3. I know everyone is different, but there are times when I am chewing and I have this feeling like 'okay swallow that and it is coming back up.' I have had intermittent problems with keeping foods down, but have found a happy medium with the softest foods possible. No matter how soft i make the chicken - and I am talking slow cooked dark meat - I cant eat it. The only thing I can eat is ground meat, like meatloaf. I am sick of the pureed soups and I am struggling to find agreeable foods. Any suggestions would be helpful. I have my second post-op appointment tomorrow and surprisingly, I have already lost over 60 lbs and gone down 3 pants sizes. That is great and all but the body needs fuel. I rely on protein shakes to meet my protein quota. Before surgery I could guzzle water and now I am struggling to meet my daily goals. I think I average about 32 oz. The irony is I want to eat EVERYTHING, you know the total see-food diet. I am not hungry but I am struggling with the loss of the ability to eat anything and everything. I feel a sense of grief and honestly, I know I want the magic pill that makes me skinny and able to eat whatever. I have a therapist and psychologist to deal with the underlying issues. Its just the day to day is the worse. My diet right now is protein shakes, yogurt, tuna (a little), low fat cheddar cheese, meat loaf, creamed soups, mashed potatoes (sometimes), and when desperation strikes spaghettios (and yes they are as gross as they sound). I eat those when days have passed and I cant meet my real food requirements. There is no chewing and 2-3 oz and I'm full, so gross, unhealthy, but sort of perfect. I used to love scrambled eggs and now I cannot stand the taste. I can manage boiled eggs and today I am going to try egg salad again. I do not eat any breads, pastas (besides the canned fake stuff), rice, or crackers. I want to plan my meals but I never know what to plan because I smell food and it makes me gag. I know my sleeve is small because I get that feeling like it never really left my esophagus. Any tips and ideas are welcome! E-

@ForMyBabies I want to address your questions because I recently had a sleeve revision (12.2.2019). First, I will say yes it is possible and I had a sleeve to sleeve revision with a smaller sleeve. I too had success after the first surgery in 2013 and then regained the weight, plus some for good measure. You talked about eating because you are depressed, feeling disgusted with yourself for eating, and then doing the same thing again because it is almost like why bother anyway. It is a very vicious cycle. I think the first time around I believed the surgery was sort of magic because the smaller stomach means eating less. That seemed simple enough, but the sad truth is the stomach is a muscle and can/will stretch to its original size or greater. However, I never dealt with the things that made me eat in the first place, including depression. I went back to the same surgeon, had many long conversations about the revision, and spent about two years working through some of the mental stuff because the bottom line is - as you said, the surgery is only a tool. Eight weeks post-op I still grieve for what I call my inner fat girl even though I still weigh plenty. I want to eat - EVERYTHING! I am not hungry, but I miss it - pretending I didn't care what people thought, or how much weight I gained. I just wanted to eat and had many reasons for overeating. For me, moving forward means dealing with the issues that makes me eat or want to eat in the first place. Every day I see something and wish I could eat it. Fortunately, right now my inability to eat stops me, but that will change. I need to be ready to deal with when I can and finding different ways to deal with the poorly adaptive behaviors that I used when I couldn't deal. In the long term, I have been advised that revision surgeries have even less success unless I am willing to work on it. I know statistically I am less likely to succeed, but I made a choice not to get on that table until I was ready to deal with the lifelong changes I will need to make to be successful. So far, I am beating the odds with 68 lbs down, but it is a daily struggle not to give in to my inner fat girl who wants the things that I used to think made me feel good. The reality is they never made me feel good and actually contributed to that vicious cycle of eating, feeling worse, eating that got me to nearly 400 lbs. If you decide a revision is for you, I can promise you it won't be easy. You will be confronted by your prior success and also by the gradual things that allowed you to regain the weight again. For now, it is one day at a time. My nutritionist gave me a powerful thought - food is only fuel. You need to eat enough fuel to get you to the next time you need fuel in the tank. I have 6 small meals per day 2-3 oz to get me to the next meal. My silent prayer is for lifelong sustained success in the future. The scale is a motivator but less pain and the ability to move more freely propels me forward. Only you can decide if a revision is for you, but you have to consider all the facts for you and decide from there. It took me over a year to decide to move forward and I had absolutely no pre-surgery weight loss requirements. One day I finally decided I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hope this helps. epicdreams

Southern NJ - Camden County

Brian, Your post caught my attention. I can relate - 46 yo female and I finally decided I wanted to live long enough to see grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc.

I had my sleeve on 12/2 and have lost 68 lbs. I struggle to eat but find the more real foods I get in, instead of ignoring not wanting to eat, the more I lose. Reading this topic made me feel a little better. I posted earlier about trouble eating and I can see everyone has had their struggles too. WTG everyone!