Myap

(copied from West loss 2.0)
Hi everyone,
I found BariatricPal through my hospital website. I am scheduled for a sleeve revision to sleeve on December 2, 2019. I am 46 years old and have been significantly overweight since I was 20 years when I was pregnant with my daughter. I posted this message in the thread 'Weight loss 2.0' because my previous gastric sleeve was December 3, 2013. I am in the pre-op diet phase with a new birthday in 11 days.
Looking back, I believed the surgery was the magic fix to all of my problems. At first I had considerable success and dropped 100-120 lbs. Then,life happened - well bad things in life happened. I survived two violent attacks, the first in 2014 which left me with physical challenges, and then in 2015, after a sexual assault, I attempted suicide twice. It took me two years to get to a place of mental stability, but by then I regained my weight, plus more. At 5'3, I am 368 lbs (down 3.5lbs in 1 week). My first post after surgery I will update all of my weight information.
In 2017, I began discussing with my doctor the prospects of having a revision surgery or bypass. For health reasons, the bypass is not an option. I discussed the options and decided I would not get back on the surgery table until I knew I was truly ready for change. What I have learned though, is that there will never be a moment when I will be truly ready, but it is about making a decision to change my life and working hard to do so. I am very good at self-sabotage and while awaiting my final doctor's visit to schedule surgery, I went over in my head all of the reasons I should and should not have the surgery again. After all, my first sleeve in 2013 was a failure and I stretched my sleeve to 2.5 times its size at surgery. There is a million little things that added up to me regaining weight, but I could not stop wondering if I had the fortitude to stick to it this time.
All of the questions and doubts went away when I fell out of my shower two weeks ago yesterday. My spine is fused from C2-T1 and I handed on my back with my head and shoulders against the sink cabinet and the shower curtain rod jammed against the bathroom door. Short of the fire department tearing the door down, I had to find a way off the floor. It was early in the morning and my pride/embarrassment was too much to ask for help. Eventually I painfully got up off the floor. In that moment, I felt there is no reason at 46 years old I should not be able to get off the floor. I went to the emergency room to make sure I did not suffer any real damage and then decided to schedule my final appointment and pick a surgery date.
I am teetering through excited and terrified because I have been down this road before. In my gut I know it will be different because I am in a different place and have already made changes to start my journey. To commemorate the start of my pre-op diet, I gave up coffee, sugar, Snacks, all at once. For some reason last week, I kept eating things I figured I would never be able to eat again and then went cold turkey starting Monday morning. The lack of coffee and sugar alone makes me feel like crap all the time, but I am keep working at it and already lost 3.5 lbs this week. I had a Protein Bar today that somehow tasted like a mixture of cardboard and paper mache paste dipped in cocoa powder, which was some sort of scientific miracle that allowed it to be stamped as a food product. But it had 20 g of Protein and 3 g of sugar. (definitely will not try that one again).
For any other coffee addicts out there, I found that hot tea with dry non-dairy Creamer (no sugar) is enough to trick my brain into thinking I had my usual coffee drip. The good news I no longer feel like I am losing my mind. The sugar substitutes are just not my thing. Fortunately, I love Water and the many trips to the second floor bathroom have been a kick-start to my exercise regime - that is after many years of couch surfing. I found a 64oz water bottle that has times on one side and inspiration on the other, but I feel like I will start floating soon. I truly never realized how dehydrated I was, probably from the excessive amounts of coffee every day.
I am less than 2 weeks away from surgery now and I am grateful that I have a sense of hopefulness, mixed with the reality of knowing that after surgery is when the hard work starts. A part of me is grieving too because I need to give up this life-long terrible relationship with food to live a fuller life.
Thanks for reading and happy to be here to share my story. I look forward to learning more about other people here.
Mya