Updating since my surgery. It's been a very emotional journey for me. A few months after my surgery i was losing a decent amount of weight. I was doing fine at first. But the growing issue I had on my end was my family. I'm asian. Sometimes, asians see things more of a materialistic look. You have to be skinny and pretty. you're nothing if your fat. No one will want to be with you. Growing up, I dealt with my dad making fun of me at my birthday parties or just social events. They did it believing this will 'make me wanna lose weight'. But of course. It only killed my self-worth. I didn't do it to be skinny, I needed to do it because of the health and other medical issues that added on to it. Losing weight was a bonus, but not the main reason. I wanted to live. I didn't want to die at such a young age.
So when they found out I was doing this surgery. They were very supportive...But that quickly changed when I didn't lose enough in their eyes. They would compare me to other people going "but this person lost this much!".
My mother would stick to my hip whenever I went to my doctor's visits to see how much I lost. But the number wasn't to her satisfaction. She wanted or expected much more. The look of disappointment and disgust was what I had to deal with. Days before my appointments, she would call me. "you better lose this much!!!" or "you cheated on your diet, didn't you!! I didn't see you lose weight!!. you cheated!!" I was losing weight with each appointment. But it was never enough. I would start hyperventilating. Crying. I was struggling with myself mentally. I almost gave up soo many times. It was just so easy, to give in to someone's disappointment, then to prove them wrong sometimes.
But, in the end. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I cut my parents off from visiting the doctors with me. I refuse to tell them the numbers anymore. I started avoiding them if they choose to start a conversation about my weight or the issues they had with me. I still got a long way to go. I've lost weight. Maybe not as much as I would hope for. But i don't think the numbers bother me. I exercise. I eat what I'm supposed to.
I get lazy sometimes. lol. Eatting is hard sometimes for me. Exercising has it's up and downs. But I just find other activities to make up for it. Walk around the mall with friends, going to social events. just hanging out. Anything to keep my feet going. I'm happy where I'm at right now. And i'll keep working towards my goal. But I'm in a good mental state now compared to how I was over the summer.
I'm sorry for my wall of text. But I hope my words, helped anyone out there that is feeling low. Try not to think about the numbers too much. But pay attention to the changes to your body. Muscles beneath that fat, loose skins. You might not hit that goal this month. But the changes you see along the body make up for it sometimes. If you make mistakes. It's okay. Just keep going forward. We are only human. And humans are good at recovering from mistakes. If we allow ourselves to. ^_^.
-Nami
