blkshadow91

Hello everyone!!! I am here in hopes of finding, HOPE, support, comfort, information and whatever else I can. I am at the worst point in my life right now. I have never ever been so heavy and so depressed in my entire life, it started about five years ago and has become increasingly worse every year. I give myself and others this analogy...I am in a massive, deep crater, I see the light (so I know there is some hope) and I feel the light, but I can't get off the bottom of the crater to do anything. I looked in the mirror today and cried!! I haven't looked in mirrors in three years and I was in utter shock!!! WHO IS THIS PERSON, L0OK WHAT I HAVE BECOME??? LOOK WHAT I LET MYSELF BECOME!!! I AM REPULSIVE TO LOOK AT, SERIOUSLY...I AM A GOOD PERSON ON THE INSIDE BUT THE OUTSIDE IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY. i HAVE NEVER EVER WEIGHED THIS MUCH. I couldn't believe the person i was looking at in the mirror. just rolls and cellulite and fat everywhere and i am young. I am tired all the time, i am so depressed i just cry, have no interest in any activities and merely eek out existence everyday just going through the motions, no happiness or satisfaction in life. the only thing i look forward too is when i can go to sleep again. I want my life back, i want the person i use to be back. i want to be happy again. i have wasted so much time, YEARS. i have a surgery consult monday for the lap band. I am scared but I don't know what else to do. I have tried everything. I am trying to get things right. made a dentist appt. today since i let my teeth go to hell in this downward spiral, got cymbalta from my DR. going to make a counseling appt. but i just feel so weighed down and sad. Any advice...AM I CRAZY...i feel like it sometimes, teetering on the edge of insanity.. i am a single mom of two children, take care of them and my ill parents, lost 4 important people in the last five years and have become a whale in the process...HELP:frown::party::frown::thumbup::confused::biggrin::thumbs_down:

yes, i am finally learning that I need to focus on me...i can't be in a relationship or be the great mom I am unless I take care of me....and i havn't taken care of me in a very long time....i have a soul but i lost my being!! went to a contemporary worship this evening and they said without your soul and being in tact and without loving yourself completely you can invite misery quickly...and i thought..yes i have my soul...but somewhere along the way i lost my "being" and i don't love all of myself...i love the good qualities but not the shell that houses them....a little crazy i know...again thank you to all of you...your the best

Becky...I just cried when I read your post and how far you have come with you weight...OH MY Goodness...you are awesome...great job to you...i wish you all the love and continued success...god bless and god speed

WOW..you are very lucky...normally it takes at least two to three months after the seminar and consultation to get surgery...good for you...you go bill....i wish mine was that fast, then it wouldn't give me time to chicken out or change my mind...

Again, thank you all so much for your helpful words...it is such a struggle but I will get there, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired...more so than you will ever know....i want my life back, i want me back, i want the happy, smiling, fun loving, free spirit, the world won't get me down ME BACK!!! cuz i sure have let the world and other things bring me down, as far down as you can go, there is no where else to go but up and i guess what they say is true, "you have to hit rock bottom before you can go up" and I hit it and hit it hard and have laid there for about 5years....its time...

Frenchie1959.....my children are 15 and 6 and I have a dog and two cats and my dad stays with me...my mom is still pretty independent and is married...she has unstable angina....but dad is a whole new ball game although he is fairly independent if i did not have him with me he would not take care of himself, he has several health ailments....most of all i miss the people who have passed away in the last 4 years of my life, five of them...but i know life goes on and they would not want me to feel this way...i believe i have several underlying problems besides being a grazing heffer....I love the inside, my heart, my spirit, my kindness, my compassion, my stubborness...BUT I AM NOT HAPPY WITH ME AS A WHOLE AND I CAN'T CONTINUE TO GO ON LIKE THIS...I HIDE OUT IN THE HOUSE, I DON'T GO ANYWHERE ANYMORE IN FEAR THAT SOMEONE MAY SEE ME I HAVEN'T SEEN IN YEARS AND SAY "OH MY GOSH, LOOK HOW FAT SHE IS" throughout the past 7 years EVERY single time I have had a confrontation of any kind with anyone of Low character or intelligence or even some that think they are normal it always resorts back to the same thing..."your fat", "your a fat you know what" "how can you be hungry look how big you are"..."your bigger than me, why can't you look like your mother" you know all those great things..and I wanted those to be incentives to make me do this and get angry and instead i went the other way....boy i do need helpp.....

Thank you captain jack...i really do need any encouragement i can get...i did the seminar and consult last year and chickened out because i am afriad to be put "under" afraid i won't wake up...but hey when its your time its your time...and I need to do this...I NEED MY LIFE BACK, I NEED ME BACK...IAM TRAPPED IN THIS BODY, DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET OUT...you rock.. Seminar: 4/9/08 DONE 5/12/08 surger consult Than x/ray, ekg, blood, psych, nutrionist...and surgery really hoping it is within the next two to three months...

That is so awesome and inspiring.....congratulations, i hope with the band I can be almost as successful, i know the weight doesn't come off as quickly with the band as it does with the bypass....again awesome job...kudos to you...

thank you all so very much for your responses...I cried when I read them of course, that is all i do is cry lately...I know that I truly am lucky in so many ways and I have wonderful children and a great family and things to be thankful for and than i beat myself up for still feeling depressed...like what the hell is wrong with me...WHY CAN'T I JUST DO THIS AND DO IT RIGHT AND STICK TO A DIET...I am so glad I found this site and I look forward to conversing with all of you...again from the bottom of my heart thank you...