I'm scheduled for surgery on 5-1 and am going back and forth whether to cancel or not every 10 minutes. I come up with the reasons to talk myself into it and then I end up obsessing and come up with even more reasons why I shouldn't. The thought of having a foreign object in my body for the rest of my life is not easy. Not knowing what the band, tube and port are doing in my body at any given second freaks me out. I told the case manager that I'm dealing with at the hospital what I'm feeling and she said, "well maybe the surgery isn't for you". Maybe she's right. I've lost 40 pounds since I started this and wonder if I can just do the rest myself. I've been a fatty for most of my life and for anyone to think that just because I have a band inside me that it's going to keep me from wanting to and eat a pizza or a cheeseburger is crazy. From the beginning the whole logic of having to go on a diet and lose 10 percent of my weight is mind boggling. The first thing I thought was that if I could do that then why would I need this surgery. I know that they want you to lose the weight so that there are fewer chances of complications but I wonder if they also want it to make you think you can do it yourself and then back out of the whole thing. I have an HMO which only charges me minimal co-pay for this surgery so you can see why there may be an incentive to make you think that way. Even more mind boggling is that the people running the program (all skinny of course) give you this minimalist calorie diet and expect you as a fatty your whole life to look at them and just comply without question and ridicule you when you don't follow their diet to a T.
Can you see my dilemma? I know I can cancel this thing right up to the moment I lay down on the operating table but I want to be ready a whole lot sooner than that.
