sideeye

If you get hungry between meals, your “snacks” should be low-cal drinks. And when I say low-cal, I mean below 50 caps. Crystal Lite and peppermint/herbal teas are my go-to snacks, if I’m really feeling a pinch I’ll do 12oz coffee with half and half and a little sugar (this is right up against the line). My stomach registers it as food, at least. The other thing I have a lot of are cheese sticks, but I’d only move to those when drinks are satisfying. Otherwise you risk just starting the hunger ball rolling. After a few months of idling, I’m in a good groove right now - I voluntarily walk more distance than I need to (skip the bus, walk to the train) and when I buy food for lunch I’m able to mark the point at which I should stop eating and bin the rest. The clothes I wear are mostly medium, and the change in weather isn’t the nightmare it used to be (trying to coordinate clothes for many different temperatures that still look good together). I am RIDICULOUSLY chill and managing to maintain it, even while I’m back at work. I’m definitely going to start incorporating more vegan meals and yoga into daily life, since those two things appear to have made a pretty big impact on pretty much everything. I’ll probably get tetchy again when I stall here, but life is so much better than a year ago. Even though I’ve got a tiny little pull in the skin under my neck and my underarms are practically spinnakers. Priorities!

I’ll admit, I’m flummoxed. I mean, you’ve said you don’t like it, especially in public. That should not be hard to remember - maybe needs a pointed booster like “I happen to really like kicking people in the shins who pick me up unexpectedly”. Or maybe screaming like you’re mid-abduction once, and like you MEAN IT, so he’s not tempted to just try it out freelance in future. Dig and find out WHY he likes picking you up, work from that angle to find a compromise? But if he’s still picking you up when you’ve outright told him not to, and he “tries to remember”... dude, kick him. Or bite him. Or yell “stranger danger”. Take up Krav Maga. Not picking up another fully grown human is not a challenging concept to retain.

I need more detail. Is it a princess carry? For how long? Are there certain start and end points? Does something specific happen when the carry ends?

Vacation over, bond reestablished, endorphins boosted and 8lbs lost (I attribute this to all the mountain-climbing, not alternative cardio, though a good effort was made)! Good decision all round, and bonus: I have returned feeling serene and confident without a shred of heartbreak. Ball is in his court for next country-hopping visit, but no matter what I had a much better vacation doing touristy holiday stuff with him than I would have alone, so victory all round! Now back to Bumble. It’s been pointed out to me that I only really snap with Commonwealth guys. I always thought my lack of connection with Americans was due to my weight, or maybe could be spending most of my formative years outside the US, but hmmmm. It’s kind of proving out. Not drawing any red lines obviously, but I may just not culturally click as well (or as quickly) with Yanks? Mysterious.

Me too, but... I have to say how delighted I am that I’m not remotely heartbroken? I had an awesome time, I had a hell of a lot of fun with VacayBoo, but I am completely serene and content right now. Best of all possible worlds.

Confirmed: for my guy at least, it’s the feeling of me being totally relaxed in a way that puts most of my weight on him. Now that might not be the same deal for a guy who wants to princess-carry you; mine was always just trying to lift me off my feet and possibly get me to wrap around him. But now my vacation is done so experimentation in that direction has once again gone on hiatus. Boo, hiss!

I should note this is in an armchair, so we’re both relaxed. He sort of lounges into it, then gets to snuggle me into whatever shape works. Not like a ventriloquist and his dummy on a bar stool, which would be even weirder than getting toted around.

Ah ha, I’ve just encountered this issue! Less that he’d schedule times to hoist me, more that he noticed that I squirmed away when he tried and clearly substituted something else. We’ve found a middle ground where I sit on his lap, which apparently ticks his box and makes it possible for me to NOT freak out about one of us tripping/breaking/needing medical intervention. He’s strong enough to lift me just fine, but it makes me so nervous I don’t enjoy it. I think he just likes the feeling of me relaxing against him completely. And last night I did let him carry me around while we were in a hot spring, half-floating, which he very much liked (as did I, actually). I’ll ask and find out if the lap-sitting thing is an acceptable tradeoff for being able to tote me around, but based on reaction I suspect it is.

I had surgery just over a year ago. This morning, I did this.

Check out vegan food - not necessarily as a life choice, but as a few-meals-a-week option. I’ve just had an edemame pasta and bell pepper bolognese that blew my mind, it was so good. I’m still on vacation but just wrapping up my 5-day wellness retreat. Yoga, hiking and vegan food has knocked 8lbs off me IN FIVE DAYS. Unreal. The chefs here are absolutely amazing and they stress that this is a vegan detox, not a mandate to go full vegan, but I can tell you that even with the tiny portions I was sending a good part of my meal back to the kitchen because the food was so filling I couldn’t manage my full serving. And I was already on 2/3 of the normal serving (my restriction rivals SillyKitty’s, my issue is grazing or spacing out a single meal over too long). Also I’m in optimal ketosis; I was already borderline when I arrived, but now am in the high-performance range. I’ve been losing weight at a snail’s pace since my big Montezuma weight drop in November, so this is kind of a nice kick-start. And no, none of this has to do with the alternative cardio program because on arrival at the retreat I was only about 2lbs down - but alternative cardio starts up again today AND will now include some mountain-climbing, so fingers crossed for keeping this rolling.

Never before have I been at breakfast with a guy I’m sleeping with and had his ex-wife text us from the same restaurant where she is ALSO unexpectedly on a date, saying she’s glad that it looks like we’re having a really nice time. That category of weird.

Oh, it gets so much weirder. I am not even going to get into it, but trust me that all sorts of new things are happening all at once in terms of how this particular game is working. But for the purposes of this discussion: dating is good, so is cardio, so is confidence, so is vacationing. Everyone should have more fun in life all the time, even if it’s slightly different from what you thought it would be, and when you’re not hung up on your weight or appearance as much anymore you can be a little less protective/defensive about romance. Broaden your horizons a bit, do what works for you. As a friend recently put it: “what used to be a dealbreaker is now just the fine print”, which I actually thought a really good way to view it. Doesn’t mean lower your standards; just take a good hard look at what your personal standards actually ARE, and how those apply practically in the real world.

“Drinking is the new snacking” for me as well, as long as the drink is less than 50 cals. So that’s meant coffee, tea, Crystal Light, ice cold water out of the fridge, etc. I also have to get good at leaving food on the plate. Not because I’m still hungry and leaving it, but because if I’m not hungry, eating it because I paid for it is a HORRIBLE rule of thumb. I’ve just left half a piece of banana bread on a cafe table because it was a mistake to buy in the first place. Getting comfortable with leaving food behind has been a huge part of this for me. Welcome new sophomores!

I do a couple of almonds, then crystal lite lemonade. Coffee doesn’t impact my sleep so sometimes I’ll have a cup of that. For some reason liquid mostly ticks my night-hunger box?

A couple of vacation-related ones: * when buying hiking clothes, everything was a medium or a large. I could measure myself with a tape and order online and things actually fit - I was able to decide which fit me BEST, but they all fit and they even coordinate. * for 16 days of travel and two extremely different purposes (visiting old friends and hiking) I was able to pack in one medium roller bag. Some of this is being able to mix and match clothes more, but I swear some is just smaller clothes. * when I landed, I was not tired. I’d traveled for over 24 hours, walked 5 miles through airports, slept 6 hours on a plane, then walked another mile or two at my destination. Not only did I not need a catch-up nap, but I was able to be really active all the way to local bedtime. * one of the features of this city is neighborhoods built on steep hills, with the shortest route between these enormous flights of steep steps and 45-degree paths. When I used to live here it took weeks to get to a level of fitness to tackle them regularly, and I’d usually end up a red sweaty mess. Now I just get as winded as everyone else, but at the top of the steps bounced right back and was no worse for wear. * my friends haven’t seen me in a decade and more than one of them has burst out in delighted laughter when they realize it’s me and give me a huge hug, then accuse me of aging backwards. It’s really nice.

Vacation dating check-in: awesome. I landed and had about four hours to kill before getting the apartment keys, and because this side of the world is only just starting autumn, I went to a department store and stocked up on linen dresses on sale. (Again, I can’t emphasize enough how insane it is that I go shopping voluntarily and spontaneously now.) Am meeting all fitness goals through rigorous cardio schedule. He’s a lovely man but this guy is also a huge ego boost - very expressive and appreciative and so body-unconscious himself that it doesn’t even occur to me to be self-conscious. He’s made it very clear that he likes my body exactly the way it is, that none of the stretch marks or loose skin even cross his radar, and that everything I wear looks great. Very tactile guy. And also REAL cardio - this is a hilly city, and at one point we went out to pick up dinner and groceries and as we’re going down the 200+ steep steps I go “oh, right, I remember this part now” because of course we also have to go back UP those steps on the return. A decade ago I did those sorts of climbs all the time, basically because you have no choice here, it’s the shortest travel between two points, but I also worked up to that level of constant stair-climbing over a few weeks. But the way back was no problem! I was about as out of breath as he was, we took a couple breaks but could still carry on a conversation, I didn’t even turn red. Also VacayBoo wants me to meet his family (and by that I mean kids and ex-wife). Today. Hunh.

[seethes jealously]

Okay, back to dating stories! VacayBoo really is clearing his schedule while I’m in town. Packing for this trip is so much easier than previous trips - no more “this looks good, but only if worn with this”. When getting hiking clothes, I’ve been able to just pick up a size 12 in water-resistant pants and know it’ll fit no matter what. And it all looks cute, dammit! The lack of stress there means that I’ve had a lot more time to think of other things, like actually buying coordinating lingerie. Can you tell I am looking forward to living in an alternate reality for a few weeks?

I’m going to go ahead and say don’t even sign up for Bumble. You’re stuck in a cycle of reinforcing preconceived notions and now you’re talking about doing things that are pretty much ensured to validate your pessimism. It’s like if I said that I don’t like movies anymore and proved it by going to see a movie in a genre I hate. Full stop on dating - focus on yourself for a while. Good luck.

A. Yes. I’ve told enough coworkers that they provide cover while not totally blowing my spot. B. Only when I pay attention. If I am trying to “eat right” I eat too much, because I am both instinctively eating AND trying to meet some sort of hypothetical nutrition goal. When I stop paying attention but eat what I think I want (no, not always cookies... but sometimes!) then I end the day thinking I actually ate a somewhat balanced and rational amount. My restriction’s still pretty darn good. Last night at an event I had a gin and tonic, then two hours later I ate a tiny slider, a spring roll, a pig in a blanket, and a dumpling. And then I was done. Previously in the day I’d had a small thing of yogurt, coffee, and...wait, I think that was it. So obviously by the event I was pretty hungry. But on days when I’m paying too much attention to “eating right” I just end up stuffed by the end of the day. So I’ll be doing less of that.

A. Yes. I’ve told enough coworkers that they provide cover while not totally blowing my spot. B. Only when I pay attention. If I am trying to “eat right” I eat too much, because I am both instinctively eating AND trying to meet some sort of hypothetical nutrition goal. When I stop paying attention but eat what I think I want (no, not always cookies... but sometimes!) then I end the day thinking I actually ate a somewhat balanced and rational amount. My restriction’s still pretty darn good. Last night at an event I had a gin and tonic, then two hours later I ate a tiny slider, a spring roll, a pig in a blanket, and a dumpling. And then I was done. Previously in the day I’d had a small thing of yogurt, coffee, and...wait, I think that was it. So obviously by the event I was pretty hungry. But on days when I’m paying too much attention to “eating right” I just end up stuffed by the end of the day. So I’ll be doing less of that.

In my scenario, I walk out of the sushi restaurant with questionable-smelling fish (dating pool) and then go to a nearby restaurant (drinks with friends) or cook at home (binge-watch Korean TV with my dog). My point is that if I don’t find a good piece of fish, then I’m not eating fish. I am not going to ingest fish that looks, smells or is priced funny. I am only interested in fish I think I’ll like, and am not risking food poisoning to try my luck with a fedora-wearing California roll. Man, this analogy is getting tortured. When you were going through WLS, did you talk to any counselors or therapists? It’s not an easy transition and they provide a good third party view into habits or repetitive thought cycles you may be blind to.

In my case it’s code for “don’t take a photo in a smudgy mirror under fluorescent light while staring blankly at the phone screen”. Of course I only tag guys I find attractive, but... that should not be a surprise? A good written profile is part of the equation too. I mean, does anyone select people on dating apps they don’t think they’d want to kiss? Hell, I dismiss adorable guys who socially smoke because I’m not making out with an ashtray, no matter how nice their hair is. So getting back to the root of the issue: Not sure what to tell you here, so I’m going to go with the slightly-tough-love angle. From my perspective, I just shared my experience on dating sites as a woman and you kind of moved through that list dismissing each point as though I’m the outlier, despite the fact that I am a genuine member of the pool where you’re fishing and your data are gained secondhand at best. You sound convinced that you’re in some sort of victim role in dating apps, being done wrong by women who “get away” with something (a massive red flag for women who have to deal with too much “red pill” crap in everyday life and don’t want it to be part of their dating life too) and men who are outcompeting you. By the way, I think you’re being way too cavalier about how women experience these apps. “It’s easier for women to be selective”... in what universe?! Do you mean out of the galaxy of d**k pics sent their way? Or the men who say hi, follow that up with a question about what you wear in bed, and then instantly call you a b***h when you cut off that line of conversation? And don’t for a second think that less-attractive women have it “easier” than unattractive men - let me know when men get completely unsolicited incoming chats that exist solely to inform them of how ugly/fat/old/whorish they are, in the sender’s opinion. And that’s the first message! Just free, unsolicited feedback the more out-of-conventional-attractiveness bounds you go. I also don’t get this fixation on the other guys, because what exactly are you going to do about them other than stew? Can you knock them off the app? No. Can you emulate them? Sure, but if you don’t match that emulation in person it’ll fall apart fast. And you are not going to be dating any of the guys, so why waste energy obsessing over them? What’s the point? Here’s the thing - I can live without consuming fish. I am totally good without fish. So if I walk into a sushi restaurant and nothing looks appetizing, I am going to walk right back out. Now, admittedly, we may have different priorities: I do not long for human companionship when I get home from work each night, and my biological clock is not ticking like a bomb. My core life objectives do not include “get married” or “have kids”. I am deeply unwilling to settle for a so-so partner so I can achieve a wedding and a baby. The math may be different for people who have other priorities, can’t speak for them. I can’t emphasize enough that internalizing a victim role is like swallowing a poison. It spreads through everything you do and say, and while you may not think it shows outwardly, it is very perceptible to others and no one wants to explore romantic possibilities with someone who’s mired in a victim mindset, especially when that person views women as the perpetrators of that victimhood. It’s not too much to say that it’s a survival instinct for women. Your current situation isn’t women’s fault. It’s not the app’s fault. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just what it is. What’s more fundamental is changing your self-perception from “damaged goods” to something that doesn’t need outside validation to become whole. A huge part of attractiveness is finding another person who is already mostly complete, so when you team up you just augment each other. Few people want to get into a relationship where they’re aware going in that the other person is looking for them to make up their shortcomings, because that means the other person has identified their own shortcomings and basically gone “eh, I don’t want to work on this, I’m going to outsource the work and emotional burden of this onto someone else”. Run screaming from these people. And that’s me off my soapbox. Well, except to say that the VacayBoo is a guy I met at a professional event, so get offline when you can. It probably helped that I was not remotely thinking about finding a boyfriend at the time (I was actually trying to con someone out of event swag), and we just had a normal conversation that turned into dinner (which, by the way, I thought was just a convenient “let’s meet up and eat” and then he showed up wearing a button-down and I’m in a hoodie like some sort of vagrant). So - as annoying as this advice sounds, just get out there and talk to people.

I’ve stepped back from the dating machine for a bit - am about to go on vacation for a couple of weeks so feels weird to rev something up and then vanish. Besides, vacation is with the not-so-one-night-stand from Vegas. I’m spending a day with him, then off to a hippie retreat for a week (!!!), then he’s meeting me for a couple days of hiking. I will not be short on cardio in the next month, basically. And yay for BumbleBoo! That is awesome that he’s working out so well!

I’ve been weighing in at a stable weight for a bit, so invested in some Banana Republic Sloan pants. Very good, though need to be dry cleaned instead of washed. Nordstrom Rack’s having one of its massive sales if you know how you fit in a brand and want something nice that’s been discounted.