sideeye

Thanks everyone! The most common reaction was a sort of bemused hug for a first greeting, only for them to circle back 15 minutes later for a much warmer hug and a very delighted “you look amazing” or “that dress is killer”, etc. Like they had to process it for 15 minutes to settle on their actual reaction. Women MUCH quicker on the uptake than men and they usually didn’t need the extra 15 mins. And I still suspect people are hugging me so much to check for industrial scaffolding or optical illusions. The ones who thought I was a wife were mostly junior firm members who SHOULD know who I am but don’t have a lot of exposure to me. Interesting to hear who they were marrying me off to, though!

Managed these through a 4-hour cocktail party, previously would’ve looked for a wedge. Wore them around the store for 30 minutes just in case, but they worked out! And I’m experiencing the same thing with boots - all the awesome boots I own are now a LITTLE too roomy all round. So I went a half size down and it’s a perfect fit.

I forgot to take full body shots at the event, but here's the initial "should I buy this?" dressing room image. Ignore bra straps visible in photo, wore a strapless bra on the night. And I wore MUCH better shoes, and unbelievably, they didn't hurt even after four hours of mingling - these were spike heels. And did I mention that freakishly, my shoe size went down .5? This entire experience is bizarre. Some of my colleagues didn't recognize me and apparently asked whose wife I was.

Last night I went to a department store, to the Normal Human Woman section, to the FANCY part, and I bought a cocktail dress for the work holiday party. It’s a size 14 sheath covered in beads and the fabric has no give in it at all, and it fits like a glove. I have never, ever been able to try on a real embellished dress like this without giving off strong mother-of-the-bride vibes - when you’re heavy, they cut the fabric for apple shapes and put on insane flourishes. I’ve always had to pick out my nicest work dress and just hype it with makeup, hair and more sparkly jewelry. This dress looks amazing. I genuinely can’t wait for my coworkers (some of whom don’t see me for months at a time) to see me in a style they’ve never, ever seen me in before.

Start drinking calories (...no, not booze). But stuff like smoothies and milk and liquid yogurts, things you can sip gradually on days when your solid food tolerance is low. I’ve had those days too, though I’m not underweight - I just can’t cope with food, and I have to be mindful and make sure I fill the gap with healthy liquids.

My doc might work slightly differently, but he doesn’t prescribe anything. He sort of says that multivitamins are fine to take, but he prefers to do blood panels every 6 months and see if there’s a deficiency that way and treat it when there’s proof. I know the overwhelming majority of people here are put on a pretty strict vitamin regimen, and I did question him about it, but he’s been at the top of his field for a long time and his explanation of his approach made sense (he’s also one of the docs that doesn’t make you go liquid pre-op until 24 hours, and also doesn’t have any draconian post-op longterm diet rules). I do take multivitamins occasionally and have some calcium chews I snag when I remember, but that’s mostly because of everything I read here from others with more prescriptive regimens. Bottom line: do what your doc says, but also make them explain their rationale so you can decide if you agree with it

Ramen. Look, sometimes I just need some ramen in my life. It’s a tactile thing. This is one of my Asian food cheat days when I eat triangle kimbap and ramen. I will be bloated and logy tomorrow but I’m going in with eyes wide open. No scale tomorrow.

I sleep less. Or nap less? I just don't have the patience for it anymore. I end up finding an errand to do or something fiddly to work on after resting for 20 mins. I'd always heard that was the correct amount of time for a power nap, seems that's true.

Nah, don't tell them. It's on the same level as worrying if someone approves of your landscaping or a hidden tattoo or whatever. If they've been hugging you and didn't realize that there's probably some slack going on in there, then that's on them. But honestly I think by the time all your loose skin is on show, whoever your partner is is into it enough that it's not really going to matter. And if it does? Ditch 'em. Life's too short to worry about someone eyeballing your bingo wings when they're supposed to be VERY FOCUSED on entirely different areas.

This isn’t about security or confidence. It’s about empathy. Mocking people is cruel. You’re not just avoiding the homeless person, you’re staring at them and making jokes with your friends about how filthy their jacket is. Think what you want. But when thinking translates into action (snickering, staring, gossiping) then you’re officially in the “doing” zone. It baffles me that you’re trying to frame this as “I’m just confident and free, and you’re a hypocrite”. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think for a second what your actions are making them feel. Sure, you’re breaking no laws but those are just guidelines. Kindness is what actually makes society work.

It helps to take progress pics in the same clothes (or the same general style of clothes). I usually wear leggings and a tank top. I'm not wearing the same ones I wore initially, obviously, but it helps me to see where clothing lies differently. It also helps to have someone else take the photos for you, because the way you hold yourself to take selfies does stuff like obscure your face or your shoulder line. I had my sister take photos recently and the change in the angle of my shoulders is really noticeable.

I'm surprised that, as a former fat person, you aren't painfully aware of the sensation of people staring at you and then sniggering. Or the horrible feeling that you've JUST missed catching someone's eye because they look away a second before you made eye contact, and now they're exchanging significant looks with their friends. It's not actually harmless. Communication isn't just verbal and overt; when you're mocking someone, they usually know you're doing it, even if you haven't walked right up to them and said "you think you're sexy but you're FAT". That's been one of the strangest (and most depressing) discoveries while losing weight: the absence of that feeling that I'm being observed but excluded. I can't tell you how vividly different it is to get on a subway car these days; before, I'd get on a somewhat crowded car and most of the people would treat me like I'd put on an invisibility cloak while a few would openly stare and judge. Now everyone sees me and no one stares, and some even move their bags so I can sit down. The energy you put out there is a real and palpable thing. If you silently hate someone, they usually know you don't like them. If you silently love someone, they often feel that too. And if you silently laugh at someone or judge them, same deal.

Four pieces is my max, which is really annoying when the vendors sell them in 8-packs. The office hyenas are pretty delighted.

Some days I just have coffee, some days I have a protein shake, some days I have a soft-boiled egg and toast strips. Really depends on how hungry I am in the morning. But generally I don’t force myself to eat breakfast, never did - it’s the meal that can actually make me feel heavy and ill for the rest of the day.

Being overweight sucked. It sucked that people stared at me, that I got an endorphin kick off of eating, that planes have middle seats, that the clothes I wore were the best I could assemble out of bad options. It sucked that social events were based around calorie-laden moments. It sucked that I had to spend years trying diets and counseling and have humiliating conversations with HR to get this op covered, then do a complicated insurance switcheroo when they said no, and then scrape up the money to cover the surgery. It sucked that even when I did lose weight before, I’d regain it when people’s reaction to me (shocked praise, aggressive flirting, extensive recitations of all the hideous health complaints I’d now avoid) actually made me REGAIN just so they’d STOP TALKING. So no, I don’t judge. I feel sad that the other person is likely still trapped in some part of that depressive cycle, whether they’re actively looking to lose or not. And then I treat them exactly as I would absolutely anyone else. My one rule with this surgery is that if a thin person asks me how I lost weight, I generally don’t spill the beans because they’re usually looking for random diet tips or are being nosy. But if a fat person asks, I tell them honestly. The last thing I want to do is imply that I lost this weight through diet and exercise alone, and I want them to be able to ask me anything they want to know.

I did the regain-to-hide thing too, about five years ago. Made no sense, knew it didn’t make sense at the time, still was the best way to stop people from staring at me and catcalling me and saying things that basically boiled down to “it’s so much more comfortable for me that you’re not fat anymore!” Over the past five years I’ve gained a significant amount of professional clout that included a lot of into-the-lions-den type of confrontations, the sort where my tone and attitude remain sweet but I hold the line and generally... impose my will? That sounds weird. But basically going up against someone else psychologically and being able to confidently negotiate. And I think that attitude has carried over to post-surgical weight loss. For some reason, this time round I am just not having it. No one gets cute with their words, trash guys generally stay respectful and I am weirdly unencumbered by negative thoughts. I certainly am AWARE I still have hangups. I’ve lost enough weight that not just upper arms but thighs and boobs are now pretty loose without clothes. But my mindset about it is just wholly different. I used to dive right back into a nightgown after shenanigans, or pull the sheet up over my chest. For some reason I do not give a toss anymore and just do what’s comfortable. Which is a long way to say: do I feel more attractive? Conventionally yes, I get more looks and I fit into what I used to call “normal human clothes”, so societal validation has pretty much ticked that box. But do I personally feel more attractive? I’d have to say I just feel a blend of way, way more confident and comfortable in my (loose!) skin, which probably changes my aura considerably. If a person important to me finds that attractive then great, but I’m not sure I would get a vote. I’m the same. The casing and society’s reaction is just different.

Possibly TMI-ing the hell out of the thread on this one, but I went to a national industry event recently and had an amazing hookup experience with a guy I met there. Body-positive feminist from the drop and just incredibly affirming the whole time (and also damn attractive and volunteered the term “enthusiastic consent” in conversation unprompted). I’ve been pretty conscious of my body for about a decade now, and the entire experience was fabulous. No shyness, no “demure” instinct to cover up when it’s actually just hiding. No trying for “flattering” positioning or lighting. No searching for the hotel robe and hoping it fits. I’ve lost around 90lbs so far, last time I was 20lbs above this weight I had the negative experience of guys suddenly catcalling me and just outing themselves as superficial assholes. It made me feel furious and cheap and like I wanted to live at the bottom of the sea. I don’t know if the way I carry myself has changed as well (or the five years makes a difference), but this time round I’m able to avoid most of the crappy experiences. And obviously hit the damn validation lottery with this last guy. (...also the nonstop shagging knocked off a few more pounds, bringing me within a whisper of onederland, so hooray for aerobics.)

Before you look into self-financing, check whether the ACA plans cover bariatric surgery in your state. It may be worth dropping an employer-backed plan and joining one of the ACA plans for the year, once you've worked out the costs. The ACA plans seem to have decided on bariatric coverage on a state-by-state basis, and some of those may have changed over the years, so make sure you're checking for insurance year 2019 in your state. I believe enrollment is open until Dec 15, but don't wait until the last minute - do your research now and make a decision soon, sometimes the sites get overwhelmed by last-minute signups.

It’s great to drive towards a goal, just don’t brainwash yourself into thinking that a statistically different outcome is your only definition of success. If you lose 40-60% of your excess weight, you are a successful bariatric patient achieving the average loss. Losing more is great, just don’t set a reach goal and then deem yourself a failure if you end up closer to the average. There are plenty of post-surgical mindgames you’ll find yourself playing; leave this particular one out if you can.

The way I’m utilized at work has changed. There’s a lot more putting me in front of clients, bringing me to pitches, asking me to attend events. It’s interesting; I’m certainly aware that my increased attractiveness (for lack of a better term) has increased my sales value. I’ve been useful in that role before, but now I’m getting pulled into fringe efforts as well as the ones I’m directly involved in, and I think that’s a bit of window dressing And the people around you change a bit too. Last time I lost a lot of weight I was horrified because a lot of people treated me a lot better, and it was so obviously due to my weight loss. It felt like that was the main metric they used to value me and that made me hate EVERYONE. This one round has been different, mostly because I’m in a professional position where people around me already treat me well because of my status. So now their improved treatment comes off a lot more benign, since they already treat me pretty well and even if I gained everything back overnight, they’d still treat me well because the professional status won’t change.

I eat a lot of toast soldiers: one tea-sized piece of white toast cut into strips and dipped into a soft-boiled egg. Straight up eggs can be hard for me too (scrambled, omelette, etc) but the inclusion of the carb seems to make it work. And it keeps me full for HOURS.

I swear it’s largely psychological. I’ve got a job similar to SillyKitty’s and my stomach doesn’t WANT that much food, my brain does. Recognizing that and talking to a therapist about how to handle that emotional eater side will help. Personally I’ve teamed up with a coworker who knows about my surgery and splits meals with me a lot. I went out a few nights ago and ended up getting sliders (two his, half of one mine), a diet soda (half abandoned) and onion rings (ate two). My stomach genuinely doesn’t want more than that, but I’m also not feeling deprived about it either. I’m still hanging out with people and still participating, and no one thinks I’m weird. One thing that MIGHT be part of this for you: are you missing being drunk? Or buzzed? People behave differently when buzzed and it can feel awkward to be the sober, inhibited person who is suddenly aware of how everyone else is behaving while drunk. If you’re missing the uninhibited feeling of drinking and eating to match, then again that’s a psychological thing that will be hard to counter on your own. Talk to a professional. It’s a lifestyle change you can do, but will require some brain rewiring on your part.

My doc uses a really good metric to keep me sane. He says that on average, bariatric patients can be expected to lose 50% of their excess weight. So based on what you've written, you were 310 and I'm guessing your BMI baseline would've been around 160(ish). So that's 150 lbs you would lose to go from pre-op to BMI-chart-approved, 50% of that is 75lbs. You've already lost almost 100lbs. That's not to say you shouldn't shoot for a goal weight 40lbs below what you are now - it's just a marker to keep in mind when thinking of failure or success. And based on the "50% of excess weight lost is the average" metric, you're ahead of the average. So don't beat yourself up.

Definitely on the mend, thanks! Just completely curious as to whether everyone would be having the same illness quirks as I'm experiencing, or if this is bariatric-specific. And if it's bariatric-specific, is this same routine going to play out (on a lesser scale, please) for other stomach bugs? It's very odd. Anyway, coffee: the grand equalizer.

Above 16 I found sizing really fluid - stretchy fabrics, plus-size cuts, vanity sizing all likely played a part. I could still wear things across a huge range of weights, though they hung differently. Below 12 is totally different. Now both fit and overall look change FAST. It’s Instantly obvious what fits and what doesn’t. The cut is much less forgiving, for one thing. It’s a good (though pricey) problem to have.