bogglesauce

I've had a very long journey with my weight that started when I was 7 years old.

When my parents divorced, I was 7 years old and I became the target of my father's abusiveness. I was constantly told I was worthless, stupid, ugly, fat, disliked and unlovable. Of course, none of that was true - I was friendly, outgoing, healthy and kind... but as a child, I internalized my father's hurtful words and took them to heart. I started to put on more weight, and the fatter I got, the worse the abuse became. His abuse did not cease until I made a choice at age 28 to cut him out of my life.

At an early age, I developed several eating disorders to cope with the abuse and to try to lose weight. As a result, my weight has yo-yo'd my entire life. I'd lose 50 pounds and then gain back 100. Lose 30, gain back 60. It has been an exhausting, depressing cycle and when I realized in January 2017 that I was tipping the scale at 311 pounds, I had finally had enough. I was seeing a therapist who had undergone RNY surgery a few years back and was extremely happy with the results. So I asked my general physician to refer me to a bariatric surgeon in March 2017 and started a program with LifeWeigh Bariatrics in Downers Grove, IL.  

At the time of writing this, it is October 26, 2017 and I am less than a month away from my gastric sleeve surgery on November 22. I have worked with my bariatric team to change my relationship with food and break habits that I developed over a lifetime. I know it won't be easy to break these habits for good, but it's something I am committed to. I can no longer use food as a crutch to cope with emotional issues. Food is simply fuel. That is what I have to keep telling myself until it feels right.

In addition to getting rid of the weight, I am shedding off years of hurt and abuse and saying goodbye to the fat I used to insulate myself from the outside world. I can do this - I am doing this for myself. I deserve to do good things for myself.