cruelirony

I am having an emotional day today. Been spending a lot of time thinking about what the Psychologist said about if I think my emotions are out of whack not to wait until the surgery... I am already so unkind... I hear it coming out of my mouth and just can't stop it... word vomit! I know how to apologize but it's not going to change anything...words have a way of sticking and still hurting...trust me, i know.

Some days I feel so overwhelmed and burdened, they have so many questions and I don't want to defend my choices. Other days I feel so alone. Nobody around me know how I feel and I am too damn tired to enlighten them.

I love me. Fat or thin won't make much difference...except I will be healthier and have a chance to live a longer life with my kiddos. I'm ashamed of how out of hand my weight has gotten...How ill losing my Mother has made me... when she died I sunk inside myself...doing only what I have to appease everyone and make them think I got it covered.

I'm doing this for me. I don't want to die in another 10 years like my mother. I don't want to abandon my kids that way. Plus I'm pretty freaking awesome... and I feel like I have more to give the world. It just messes me up, I feel so thin and beautiful until I pass a mirror or catch a glimpse of my reflection and then I don't even recognize myself. I have to change... I feel like I am trapped inside this fat suit being held hostage... it breaks my heart sometimes.

Believe in me...

(I'm trying to)