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Weight shaming is nothing new. I would beg to guess that most children who’ve struggled with weight have been victims of weight-based bullying. I can remember, as a shy elementary school kid, rapidly gaining weight and being different from the other children in my class. This impacted my self-image as I grew up, and my school days were rampant with daily bullying. The damage this did to my self-esteem carried over into many aspects of my life.
As a therapist, I had to confront those ideas I had about my value in therapy as a graduate student. I had to stop blaming those kids, and instead, change my thinking to change my life. Today, in the first few days after my 20th High School Reunion, I realize I had to fully let it go. The children and young adults that once ignored me or superficially friended me were not completely at fault for their behaviors in grade school, I was at fault for carrying their bad behavior with me and perpetuating those negative comments in my daily life.
It has always been my belief and a widely accepted professional self-care philosophy that you must work on your own issues actively to be able to help others. To do the real work on your own issues, it is essential to identify where those issues originated. How you got to that place of brokenness often brings back memories of humiliation, shame, mocking, and criticism from people you’ve known throughout your life. I had to actively challenge myself to overcome those negative memories of grade school and not shy away from attending like I did my 10-year reunion, so I got involved. I challenged myself to head up the 20-year reunion effort by rallying the troupes. I put myself in a position that gave me no way out by researching venues and getting the committee together.
I conquered my anxiety about what those people would think about me now. And you know what, I enjoyed my time at the reunion. It helps that I also weigh at least 150 pounds less, but as I’m sure many of you know, anxiety doesn’t go away automatically when you lose weight. To conquer my anxiety, I confronted it— using all those coping skills learned in years of therapy. What did I learn? I wasn’t the only one questioning whether or not I should go because I wasn’t sure how I would be accepted. In the days after the reunion, another attendee posted concerns about how she felt she hadn’t gotten to a place in life that she was proud of yet and worried what people would think. My reaction was genuinely heartfelt and profoundly appropriate for anyone struggling with their place in this world:
Be unapologetically you. Love your life and the place you've arrived without regrets or envy of others. The positivity you put out into the world will reflect back into your life a thousand times, just as negativity does the same. If you wallow in shame, blame, hurt, and pain those emotions intensify as you carry them around, they are heavy and burdensome. Let them go, smile more, take care of your whole self: mind, body, heart, and soul through your thoughts, words, actions, and emotions.
We often shy away from connecting with people who can be supportive of our goals and ambitions because we may lack confidence ourselves or hang on to past impressions people have made on us. If I learned anything from this experience, it’s that I had a lot of smart, talented people around me growing up. We've done some incredible things with our lives. There’s no reason feel like an outcast anymore. They were people I perceived to judge me in school who probably didn't understand the impact of their actions, and my perception was screwed because I didn't like myself back then. I love myself now and want to share the joy and be supportive by connecting, encouraging, and promoting a better mindset to attain happiness. If we continue to hang on to the negative, we never provide an opportunity to establish the positives. Forgiveness is an asset in your ability to cope. Shutting people out and never affording them the opportunity to do better will promote those negative memories rather than turning them around to make positive relationships.

The Right Mindset for Smart Decisions
It is no surprise that you are at your best when you are rested, relaxed, and confident. That goes for almost every aspect of your life, and it holds true for weight loss. Thinking clearly lets you “weigh” the consequences of the hard-boiled egg versus the French fries for a snack so you can see the benefits of choosing the egg for weight loss outweigh the benefits of choosing the fries for a few minutes of pleasure.
Self-confidence also lets you make the right choices. When you are confident, you know that you have the power to choose. You realize that are not a victim of circumstances, and you do not need to eat something just because it is available to you. You know that you have the power to say no to the things you should not eat, and the power to find the things you should.
Better Sleep, Better Choices
Sleep is not just a luxury to feel guilty about. Adequate sleep may be the missing key to your weight loss program. When you get enough sleep, you have lower levels of a hormone called ghrelin. Ghrelin makes you hungry, and less ghrelin helps keep hunger in check. Getting enough sleep also lowers carb and sugar cravings and gives you the strength to make rational decisions. Think protein and veggies, not potato chips and cookies.
Stress, Hormones, and Your Weight
In addition to your daily choices, there are behind-the-scenes factors that can cause weight gain when you are stressed. Hormones affect your metabolism and can cause weight gain when they are not balanced. Too much stress, for example, raises levels of a hormone called cortisol. Cortisol increases raise your hunger levels, which can lead to you overeat. It also affects your fat storage. You might gain more fat in your abdominal area, which is a health risk for diabetes, heart disease, and more.
Tips for Chilling Out
The first trick for relaxing is to get over your guilt. It is not only okay to kick back, but it is healthy. It may be surprisingly tough when you are out of practice, though. Here are some ideas for stepping back from your busy life and giving your mind a chance to recover for a healthier body.
Set aside 10 minutes for yourself every day. Meditate, take a bath, read, or do something else that is just for you. Get more sleep if you find yourself waking up tired or struggling to get through the day. Exercise most days. A quiet stroll on the beach or a hike may seem like out-of-reach dreams, but any exercise helps clear your mind. Restorative yoga, a cycling class, and home exercise DVDs all do the trick. Stretch. It loosens your muscles and gives you a chance to think through your day. Weight loss surgery success takes a lot of hard work, but there are some ways to get more bang for your buck without working harder. Take a chill pill, and you might find that the extra relaxation gives you the strength and stamina to lose more weight.

I have worked as a psychologist, providing psychological evaluations prior to bariatric weight loss surgery for the past eight years. For the most part, people need a power tool to help them lose and keep off the weight they have lost over and over again in their lives. The gastric sleeve, bypass, and now balloon are those tools. However, every once in a while, I will encounter someone who believes these procedures are the magic bullet.
I can pick this up in five seconds when I learn that:
this person has no exercise plan to maintain their weight loss a barrage of excuses as to why they can't exercise anymore zero insight into why they are overweight ("I don't know why I am overweight, I just eat steamed vegetables and grilled chicken mostly.") a lack of motivation or understanding for why they also have to engage in behavioral modification in addition to the surgery "Why would you reveal all of this?" you ask. Aren't I giving away the keys to the kingdom to anyone who reads this and wants to pass a psychological evaluation? Perhaps- but who are you really cheating if you don't go within and face the real demons that got you here in the first place?
When I ask people about their eating styles, I tend to group them into four categories:
1) emotional eater- someone who uses food when they are bored, stressed, tired, lonely, sad, or even happy in addition to eating when they are hungry
2) skip and binger- someone who fails to think about food until it is too late, and when they are ravenous end up going for whatever is available which is usually some type of carb and calorie laden fast food
3) miscellaneous- someone who just recognizes that they eat too large of portion sizes and/or the wrong types of food
4) food addict- usually someone with a history of other addictions, trauma, and a significant amount of weight to lose. They usually have comorbid psychological diagnoses that have been unaddressed or ill-addressed.
Out of the four categories, the 4th is the most troubling for a psychologist. This particular person is most correlated with the patient who fails to address their core issues, eats "around the sleeve," or bypass, experiences dumping syndrome, comes back a year later and asks for the bypass, or a different procedure.
This is the person who, ironically, is usually the most resistant to my recommendation that they seek therapeutic support prior to the surgery. They want it done YESTERDAY. They want it NOW. It is this type of thinking that got them into trouble in the first place. The impulsivity and lack of emotional regulation.
I've witnessed people fail to address their maladaptive eating patterns and never quite get to their goal weight. I had a male that would buy a bag of pepperonis at the grocery store and snack on them all day and couldn't understand why he wasn't losing weight. This daily "snack," which was a mental security blanket, served as a veritable IV drip of fat and calories throughout the day.
I've had a woman who figured out how to ground up her favorite foods into a liquid form because she never quite let go of her attachment to "comfort foods." One of her most notable liquid concoctions consisted of chicken and Cheetos. I'll just leave that for you to chew...er swallow.
They say with drug and alcohol recovery- you "slay the dragon," but with food addiction recovery, you have to take it for a walk three times a day. If you don't fundamentally shift your relationship with this dragon, you're going to get burnt when you are walking it.
My number one tip for transforming your relationship with food is to start looking at eating the same way you do as brushing and flossing: You don't necessarily salivate at the idea of what type of toothpaste you will use, where you will do it, who you will do it with, right? You just do it twice a day because you don't want to lose your teeth and you want to maintain healthy gums.
Food has to be thought of in the same way. You fuel up. You don't use food as a place to define your quality of life. You don't use food to celebrate. You don't use food to demarcate the end of a long day. You don't use food to help you feel less alone. You figure out healthier coping alternatives to meet these needs.
Loneliness-call a friend for support
Celebrate- get a massage
Demarcate the end of a long day- start a tea ritual and use essential oils
Another reason you must say goodbye to comfort food is that it triggers the pleasure center of the brain, which ignites our dopamine, which perpetuates the addiction. Many people think we are just telling them to get rid of the comfort food because of the carbs or calories, but there are unique and harmful chemical consequences to ingesting these types of food we know are bad for us.
If you are ready to take a modern approach to weight loss and stop dieting for good- check out my wls/vsg psychological support course here for free.