hillarycatlin

Hi everyone, I'm new here -- this is my first post. I have a surgery consult scheduled in May, but I'm realizing that a huge barrier for me is that the thought of being thin terrifies me. I'm a single mom of a toddler and for his sake more than anything else, I want to be healthy, fit and active. I'm also more miserable in my body than ever since giving birth. Aches, pains, shortness of breath, all of it. That said, when I think about losing weight and becoming a thin person, it's almost inconceivable. Because of childhood trauma I'm terrified of unwanted male attention. There are other issues related to my mother (very thin, obsessed with my weight from the time I was a toddler, would never want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me thin), but she's not in my life anymore. But the big thing is fearing the positive attention that comes with losing weight, and also of losing my 'fat girl' identity. I don't think I'd know what to do if I could no longer use being fat as an excuse for not liking myself. Then maybe I'd have to accept that there are deeper reasons not to like myself. Maybe that doesn't make sense; I don't even really understand what I'm thinking. Can anyone relate? How can I overcome this fear so that I deep down *want* on every level to lose weight? Because otherwise I'll just keep sabotaging myself. Thanks in advance.

Thank you all so much for your replies and your support; it helps me to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with this. Just trying to figure out how to word my post had me really thinking about what it is that I'm even afraid will happen if I become a thin person. A few months ago I was reading some article recounting women's experiences being sexually harassed and/or assaulted (groped, etc.). It hit me that my defense mechanism of being obese since puberty has been quite effective in protecting me against assault and most harassment as an adult -- or at least it feels that way. What I realize is ironic is that, though I feel like I'm safer at a higher weight, I'm so out of shape right now that I'd be less able to run or defend myself against an attacker currently than I would be if I was 100 lbs lighter and physically fit. I do need to get back in therapy, for sure. I've have done some work on this issue, but it just seems to be so ingrained in my identity. I was also thinking about how it's been uncomfortable for me to receive compliments on my weight loss in the past because it feels to me like people are admitting that they didn't like who I was before. I'm going to check out the recommended books. Thanks again.

Thanks!