Cyrissa

<Insert "carry on my wayward son...they'll be peace when you are done"..Points to the SPN fandom>
 
Today marks 3 months and 1 week since I had VGS in Mexico. I'm still learning to use this site so I never knew there was a blog option till now. I've been fairly quite on my other social media feeds about my surgery for a multitude of personal reasons. But here feels safer, and well, none of my family/friends/acquaintances are here so...
 
I've spent the majority of my life being a yo-yo dieter. While I have always loved my body just as it was, yes, even when I was morbidly obese (it's strange to say "was"), I was never that healthy chubby chick. I've been on BP meds since I was 30yrs old, battle my cholesterol & have a history of heart disease on both sides of the family. My dad had his first heart attack at 40 and I was 38 when I had the surgery.
 
I still question myself every day if I did the right thing. I'm 30+ lbs down in 3 months, my blood pressure is in normal ranges for the first time in years and my dr is thrilled with my progress. But the negative committee that meets in my head tells me "this isn't going to work...just like everything else" and "you'll just gain it all back because that's what you do" and the worst "Why did you spend so much money on yourself you selfish pig."
Yeah...they're a real piece of work, that committee.
 
We'll be paying off my surgery for years. Was it worth it? i hope so. My partner tells me it was to him...and he likes to remind me that it's cheaper than the cost of a funeral. Morbid, yes, but it makes sense.
 
My brain still cant accept it..I'm down 30lbs, 4 pants sizes, Lots of inches and still I don't "see" it. I can see it some days in what I wear...in my rings being looser...in the way I can do little things like cross my legs where I couldn't before. But it's like there is a disconnect with my brain in accepting all of this as truth or as real and definitely as sustainable.
 
Every time the scale goes up, even when it's a fraction of a lb, I think "this is it..this is where this stops and I gain it all back". Every time I "fail" and give in to temptation and eat something that isn't 100% on diet, I think "this is where I give up and revert to bad habits" (though admittedly, I eat pretty well most of the time, even before surgery). Every time I'm too tired to get on the elliptical I think "You wasted all that money for this?"
 
Maybe it will change. I keep trying. I keep going.