Nanette Adams, MEd, LPC

High school reunions can be a source of anxiety. These types of events can trigger a revisit of negative memories. If you were bullied or weight shamed in school, it may be time to let go of the past and look forward to a future where letting people in can help you heal the pain. Here, I tell my story of how I conquered my 20th high school reunion by throwing myself into the planning of the event and healing the wounds that once burdened my memories of school. Weight shaming is nothing new. I would beg to guess that most children who’ve struggled with weight have been victims of weight-based bullying. I can remember, as a shy elementary school kid, rapidly gaining weight and being different from the other children in my class. This impacted my self-image as I grew up, and my school days were rampant with daily bullying. The damage this did to my self-esteem carried over into many aspects of my life. As a therapist, I had to confront those ideas I had about my value in therapy as a graduate student. I had to stop blaming those kids, and instead, change my thinking to change my life. Today, in the first few days after my 20th High School Reunion, I realize I had to fully let it go. The children and young adults that once ignored me or superficially friended me were not completely at fault for their behaviors in grade school, I was at fault for carrying their bad behavior with me and perpetuating those negative comments in my daily life. It has always been my belief and a widely accepted professional self-care philosophy that you must work on your own issues actively to be able to help others. To do the real work on your own issues, it is essential to identify where those issues originated. How you got to that place of brokenness often brings back memories of humiliation, shame, mocking, and criticism from people you’ve known throughout your life. I had to actively challenge myself to overcome those negative memories of grade school and not shy away from attending like I did my 10-year reunion, so I got involved. I challenged myself to head up the 20-year reunion effort by rallying the troupes. I put myself in a position that gave me no way out by researching venues and getting the committee together. I conquered my anxiety about what those people would think about me now. And you know what, I enjoyed my time at the reunion. It helps that I also weigh at least 150 pounds less, but as I’m sure many of you know, anxiety doesn’t go away automatically when you lose weight. To conquer my anxiety, I confronted it— using all those coping skills learned in years of therapy. What did I learn? I wasn’t the only one questioning whether or not I should go because I wasn’t sure how I would be accepted. In the days after the reunion, another attendee posted concerns about how she felt she hadn’t gotten to a place in life that she was proud of yet and worried what people would think. My reaction was genuinely heartfelt and profoundly appropriate for anyone struggling with their place in this world: Be unapologetically you. Love your life and the place you've arrived without regrets or envy of others. The positivity you put out into the world will reflect back into your life a thousand times, just as negativity does the same. If you wallow in shame, blame, hurt, and pain those emotions intensify as you carry them around, they are heavy and burdensome. Let them go, smile more, take care of your whole self: mind, body, heart, and soul through your thoughts, words, actions, and emotions. We often shy away from connecting with people who can be supportive of our goals and ambitions because we may lack confidence ourselves or hang on to past impressions people have made on us. If I learned anything from this experience, it’s that I had a lot of smart, talented people around me growing up. We've done some incredible things with our lives. There’s no reason feel like an outcast anymore. They were people I perceived to judge me in school who probably didn't understand the impact of their actions, and my perception was screwed because I didn't like myself back then. I love myself now and want to share the joy and be supportive by connecting, encouraging, and promoting a better mindset to attain happiness. If we continue to hang on to the negative, we never provide an opportunity to establish the positives. Forgiveness is an asset in your ability to cope. Shutting people out and never affording them the opportunity to do better will promote those negative memories rather than turning them around to make positive relationships.

I'm sure in the backs of their minds they wonder if it's karma! I abandoned those thoughts of "who got fat" or "he's bald" because I know what it feels like if I were in their shoes... I've had the humbling experience of having several of those people who teased me come to me and tell me how sorry they were and that they are happy to see how much I've done with my career to help people who struggle with their weight. It's a good feeling to be able to help in return. One of those guys actually came to me for advice to help his own child who struggles with his weight. I think most people feel remorse for how they acted when they were younger. My husband has admitted to me that he was one of those guys who wasn't nice to girls who weighed more than normal. He feels bad about that now that he understand the emotional impacts it has on the person. When we know better, we should do better.

Sometimes for some people, it's not worth revisiting. I realized that I was blaming people who weren't at fault for a collective recollection of my own memory. Overall, I'm glad I forced myself outside of my comfort zone. I reconnected with some great friends and I am looking forward to visiting with them again soon. The few close college friends I still hang on to I'd go to the ends of the Earth for! I'm looking forward to visiting the best friend from college in August after she moves to Budapest next month!

Weight shaming is nothing new. I would beg to guess that most children who’ve struggled with weight have been victims of weight-based bullying. I can remember, as a shy elementary school kid, rapidly gaining weight and being different from the other children in my class. This impacted my self-image as I grew up, and my school days were rampant with daily bullying. The damage this did to my self-esteem carried over into many aspects of my life. As a therapist, I had to confront those ideas I had about my value in therapy as a graduate student. I had to stop blaming those kids, and instead, change my thinking to change my life. Today, in the first few days after my 20th High School Reunion, I realize I had to fully let it go. The children and young adults that once ignored me or superficially friended me were not completely at fault for their behaviors in grade school, I was at fault for carrying their bad behavior with me and perpetuating those negative comments in my daily life. It has always been my belief and a widely accepted professional self-care philosophy that you must work on your own issues actively to be able to help others. To do the real work on your own issues, it is essential to identify where those issues originated. How you got to that place of brokenness often brings back memories of humiliation, shame, mocking, and criticism from people you’ve known throughout your life. I had to actively challenge myself to overcome those negative memories of grade school and not shy away from attending like I did my 10-year reunion, so I got involved. I challenged myself to head up the 20-year reunion effort by rallying the troupes. I put myself in a position that gave me no way out by researching venues and getting the committee together. I conquered my anxiety about what those people would think about me now. And you know what, I enjoyed my time at the reunion. It helps that I also weigh at least 150 pounds less, but as I’m sure many of you know, anxiety doesn’t go away automatically when you lose weight. To conquer my anxiety, I confronted it— using all those coping skills learned in years of therapy. What did I learn? I wasn’t the only one questioning whether or not I should go because I wasn’t sure how I would be accepted. In the days after the reunion, another attendee posted concerns about how she felt she hadn’t gotten to a place in life that she was proud of yet and worried what people would think. My reaction was genuinely heartfelt and profoundly appropriate for anyone struggling with their place in this world: Be unapologetically you. Love your life and the place you've arrived without regrets or envy of others. The positivity you put out into the world will reflect back into your life a thousand times, just as negativity does the same. If you wallow in shame, blame, hurt, and pain those emotions intensify as you carry them around, they are heavy and burdensome. Let them go, smile more, take care of your whole self: mind, body, heart, and soul through your thoughts, words, actions, and emotions. We often shy away from connecting with people who can be supportive of our goals and ambitions because we may lack confidence ourselves or hang on to past impressions people have made on us. If I learned anything from this experience, it’s that I had a lot of smart, talented people around me growing up. We've done some incredible things with our lives. There’s no reason feel like an outcast anymore. They were people I perceived to judge me in school who probably didn't understand the impact of their actions, and my perception was screwed because I didn't like myself back then. I love myself now and want to share the joy and be supportive by connecting, encouraging, and promoting a better mindset to attain happiness. If we continue to hang on to the negative, we never provide an opportunity to establish the positives. Forgiveness is an asset in your ability to cope. Shutting people out and never affording them the opportunity to do better will promote those negative memories rather than turning them around to make positive relationships.

I find drinking a tiny sip of water with each bite helps, especially if something is dry. My doctor said I could drink about as much liquid with a meal as the amount of ice that melts in the glass. It helps a lot with getting things to go down more smoothly.

What recommendations do any of you have to help with the hair loss? I know I am losing more hair than I should on a daily basis, but not losing it in clumps. I would like to take something to help with this. Any suggestions?

I've had this problem. Sometimes, it's just a piece of food that is stuck because you didn't chew it enough. Other times, i have thrown up protein shakes. I've found that my senses are much more sensitive to smells and tastes of things. If you throw up, stick to liquids for the rest of the day. Gradually go to soft foods and then try solids again. It's a hit and miss thing, even when I think I've done everything right, the band thinks otherwise.

I have been once. I am 9 months out. It was interesting. I really should go again. I was also banded by Dr. Belott!