My journey started all the way back in the summer of 2015. I have been overweight and/or "morbidly obese" almost all of my adult life, and no matter what I did, the numbers on the scale crept up and up. I have PCOS and insulin resistance, both of which make it extremely difficult to lose weight. Then I noticed my cousin on facebook - she had lost tons of weight in a rather short time. I asked her what her secret was and she confided that she had had WLS. I started checking around, got in touch with the doctor that my insurance covered, etc. Did seven months of supervised diet, jumped through hoops and everything, and then I finally got my approval letter. This procedure was going to change my life, I was sure of it.
See, as I got bigger, I started having mobility issues. I had a BMI of 40, size 20/22, borderline diabetic had turned into actual diabetic, I couldn't use regular shoes because of problems with my feet. I started to feel trapped inside of my body. There was so much I wanted to do, but I couldn't do it because of the excess weight. I made plans - my husband and I really want to have another baby, but I can't do it at my current weight. Because of the PCOS, I really needed to lose weight to increase my fertility. I also wanted to take our kids to Disney for the first time, which is something that I can't do now because A) I can't fit in the seats, and B I can't physically do all the walking. VSG was the answer to all these problems. My doctor told me that I would probably be down to goal weight during the first year, so I would be okay to start trying for a baby by 12 months instead of 18.
I had a large hiatal hernia they were going to repair in addition to the sleeve. It was actually a re-repair, since I had HH repair when I was about 20. I got my surgery date, did the nutrition classes, did the liquid diet, basically exactly what they told me to do, and then it was the day for my surgery! I was nervous, mostly about my hair falling out, but I was excited. Everything moved along, and then it was time for the surgery. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them in the recovery room, I heard the nurse telling someone on the phone that they didn't do the sleeve. I asked her what happened, and she said that when he got inside I had a large hernia with my stomach up in my chest and a lot of abdominal adhesions. She said the surgery had taken a long time and that he hadn't been able to do the sleeve.
Eventually, the doctor came by on rounds and told me that my stomach and my esophagus had partially fused from the last hernia repair and that he couldn't tell what was what, so he repaired the hernia as best he could, but that he wouldn't be able to ever do the sleeve, and he said that no doctor would be able to do it.
So now I am here, in this really dark place. I don't see any light in this tunnel. I feel like I have lost everything, and that the rest of my life, instead of being filled with opportunities to do things that my current body won't allow, is going to be filled with disappointment. I feel like I lost the chance at having a baby, and that I will forever be trapped in this body, stuck and incapable of doing the things I want to do. My husband keeps telling me that it will be okay that we will work out together and do it the old fashioned way. But I just sat through months of being told that it is almost impossible to lose weight and keep it off without some form of WLS. I want to give up. I want to go to bed and never get out of it again.
Sorry this is so depressing, but I don't have anyone in my life who can really understand the depth of this disappointment.
