ProgressNotPerfection

I am in the pre-op stage of this journey. I held out on anything surgical for years, saying I would save it as a "last resort." I guess my last resort has come. I think my years of yoyo dieting along with the "on-again-off-again" exercise routine has brought me to this point. I keep telling myself, "I'm a lifetime Weight Watchers member - I SHOULD be able to do this without resorting to WLS." But that "SHOULD" doesn't seem to happen anymore. I was in my 20s when I lost weight with Weight Watcher and in a very different situation. 
 
Now I am 50, I'm a ten-year recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I quit all forms of nicotine seven years ago. I am an emotional eater at the very least, even a food addict, so WLS is the next step of my recovery. I am nervous about this step. I know that WLS is a tool to fix my hunger, but it won't fix what's between the ears. 
 
While I am a fan of 12-step recovery (it saved my life!) I am not a fan of food-related 12-step recovery (I've tried them, so no contempt prior to investigation.) I am planning to work with a therapist, as I know I need cognitive behavioral therapy when it comes to food. I'll also be seeking some bariatric-related support groups like this as well as face-to-face if they are available in my area. 
 
Part of me feels defeated about WLS and find myself thinking
 - why haven't I been able to do this without surgery
 - surgery seems so extreme to lose weight - I am altering my body
 - people will think I took the 'easy way out' to lose weight
 - what if I get this surgery and nothing changes
 - what if surgery causes irreversible damage
 - What about all of the hair loss
 - What about getting in all of the water and protein needed
 - Is this sustainable and will it be sustainable long-term
 - Will I be able to extend my life - and my QUALITY of life
 - Will I be able to lose the 100+ pounds I want to lose
 - What about the leftover skin on my face and my body - how much will sag - probably a lot considering my age and my weight
 
But then I think of all of my WHYs:
 - I want to feel better and be more active
 - I want to avoid developing type II diabetes and stop taking Metformin (I already have high normal blood sugar)
 - I want to lower my cholesterol and stop taking Lipitor
 - I want to lower my blood pressure and stop taking lisinopril
 - I want to be active with my son (he's 14, rail-thin, and super active)
 - I want to live a long time for my son
 - I want to be more active with my partner (she is also in recovery, overweight, and she and I will have WLS together)
 - I want to reduce the pain in my joints from carrying this heavy body around every day
 - I want to go back to Rangers baseball games and fit comfortably in the seats
 - I want to be able to tie my shoes effortlessly again
 - I want to fit on the rides at the state fair or at six flags again
 - I want to fit in all normal-size chairs and booths again
 - I want to climb a flight of steps without getting winded and experiencing agony in my joints
 - I want a "pep in my step" again - everything feels so cumbersome right now
 - I want to fit in a coach class airplane seat again without overflowing into other passengers seats (I love to travel and I have been avoiding anything requiring an airplane for at least a year now.)
 - I want to fly without the need for a seatbelt extender
 
I lost my mother about four weeks ago. It was devastating and my tipping-point. She was only 76 and gone way too soon. But she lived an unhealthy lifestyle for decades and developed weight-related diseases and impediments. I think she set the example for me of what NOT to become. However, I am much like her - sedentary, eat too much - and too much of the wrong things. Fortunately I quit smoking years before she did. But it's not enough. I MUST change or suffer her fate. 
 
So that brings me to the present. I'm nervous, I'm excited, and I'm ready for a lifetime change.