Alisonartist

Thank you for sharing your story. That was an emotional read, and I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to write. I saw a lot of myself in your story, mainly about the relationship with food/emotional eating and the false idea that once I lost weight, my life would be magically better. I thought I would share my story... I am from the USA originally (New Hampshire) but was going to university in New York in 1995. I had always been a big girl, I think I was first put on a diet at age 2. Always struggled with my weight. Looking back now, I see my family was also very large and the food we ate was oversized and not healthy (Mac & cheese, hotdogs, processed high fat/High carb/ high sugar food since it was cheap and what they knew) which continued the pattern... I was always an emotional eater too. When I was going to university in NY, I was introduced to the then very new internet. Wasn't much on there back then. But discovered a penpal list and started talking to a guy attending university in Sydney Australia. We hit it off and soon were spending many hours talking online and on the phone. He moved to America for me and We eventually married. He wasn't overweight, but I was at my heaviest - about 300lbs, yet he made me feel beautiful. But because I was so big, I had trouble starting a family. I got depressed. We tried and tried for several years but realised I probably needed IVF. As it was too costly in America, we moved to Australia where it's less expensive. And near his family which was good. But sadly it didn't work, I was so fat my hormones were messed up. So after much research I decided to have lap band surgery to lose weight since I had tried everything else to lose weight without long term success. I remember they required us to be screened by a psychologist before hand to see if we qualified - and I remember her asking me "have you thought of how losing a lot of weight may affect your relationship and friendships?" I thought that was such a stupid question at the time and literally laughed. I remarked they wouldn't change because I was still the same person inside. How wrong I was. I was banded in May, 2004. I lost a lot of weight quickly, going from 300lbs to 180lbs in less than a year. (I'm 5'9") which took me to a size 14 in Australia (12 us) But weird things happened - Suddenly I was getting attention from men that wasn't being "moo-ed" at, and I would literally look over my shoulder wondering who they were talking to and was shocked it was me. When I saw myself in the mirror I didn't recognise myself. When I went shopping for clothes I would always go for the size 28 instinctively - which was like a tent on me then. I had so much energy. This is where it went pear shaped. My husband, although a healthy weight, was an introvert. Before I lost weight I never wanted to go out and do much as I felt embarrassed at my size. So we stayed home and watched movies and had alone time. But now that I lost weight and had all this energy I didn't want to just sit home anymore. I wanted to go out and dance and socialise and have fun. But my husband was the same person. He struggled with this new version of his previously quiet wife - and this ultimately pushed us apart and we eventually divorced as we couldn't fix it. Ironically not long after we split up, I met another guy and fell pregnant immediately, and finally had the baby I had been trying to have for 8 years. That relarionship didn't work out either and I became a single mom. Finally got the baby but then had no partner. Life is cruel sometimes. The other hard part was even though I was slimmer, I was depressed. Because eating had become so painful and I was constantly getting things stuck and had to run to vomit so often. When I went out with friends, I would literally be pushing food around my plate to at least look like I was eating something. But I became scared to eat in public as I struggled so much with it. You realise how much of your social life revolves around food when it becomes a source of immense pain and displeasure. So in time, eating healthy food became so painful that I started having stuff that was easier to get down. chocolate, smoothies, ice cream. Junk. High calories. Ugh. The weight started creeping up again. I kept having incredible pain and went to my surgeon who made me feel like I was an idiot and making it up. He removed all the Fluid from the band and I still felt like things were stuck and it was so bad. I Got more depressed. And anemic. And sick. I attended the surgeon a couple of times as I had some vomiting episodes so fierce I threw up blood and even had broken capillaries above my eyes. Must have looked like a druggie. I had an esophagus dilation that flipped over the band and they removed the fluid again. But I never had much in my band ever. I struggled for years, it was so painful. I tossed and turned about the idea to remove it but I was more scared of regaining all the weight. But it got worse and worse to the point I felt I was going to die. I kept getting hernias in weird spots because of the force on my abdomen from vomiting. The worst one being after I had my second child, and later had a large hernia develop and intestines got strangled. Holy cow, that hurt. It all kept getting worse and my weight was ballooning again because all I could eat were like smoothies and junk so I decided enough was enough. By then, the previous surgeon retired and a new surgeon took over his practice. When I saw him and told him what has happened he looked at my file and history of images and was quite surprised. He said it was no wonder I had the pain and couldn't have any fluid, I had developed dilation and a hernia from the band and that was why I struggled so much. He recommended I remove it immediately and then later have gastric bypass. I had the band removed in sept 2015. I had requested they save the band so I could see it, or at least photograph it. I had complications in surgery, apparently it was a mess from all the scar tissue around the band and also had a hernia where the port was, likely from so much pressure from hard vomiting. And now I have a weird lump where the port was, I'm disfigured from it and would need plastic surgery to correct it. They didn't save the band or photograph it which I was upset about. I suspect something was very wrong inside and they got rid of it to avoid any litigation. But at least it's out. Since I've had so many abdominal surgeries now, I'm too scared to have another one. I am trying to lose weight the "right way" with diet and exercise. But I hate that I feel hungry all the time and I have regained a lot of weight - but not because of just the band out. A combination of years of eating easy to get down junk and the band out. In total I've regained about 60lbs, I now weigh about 235 and I hate it. But at least now I can eat healthy foods and I'm not vomiting all the time. I can eat out with friends like "normal" people. I am still tempted sometimes to try bypass surgery as I still struggle so much with food. But it's still very much an emotional thing. I know I need to work on my relationship with myself more than anything. And no band, bypass or other weight loss surgery can do that. You're right, we need to be aware of our triggers. But also learn to love ourselves, and realise that until we love ourselves and have a good relationship with ourselves, then no one else will be able to either. No matter how we look. Looking back over the years, my first husband always made me feel like the most beautiful, loved person on the planet - At my heaviest weight. Partners I had at my lowest weight made me feel like the fattest and ugliest... Even though I was almost half the size I used to be. We need to be more mindful and curious when we eat. Are we really hungry? I wish there was an easy solution to fix the mind food connection! It's a lifelong struggle. But we can do it. Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App