ShawnaWrites

I was reading a blog from a person who also had WLS. It inspired me to write a blog and well, then I thought...why not post it here..maybe there are others feeling these things but, not talking about it. This speaks to people who are post op. I am hoping this doesn't come out offensive. It's honest feelings ..and after reading Mick's it inspired me to write the words that are felt but, guilt makes me sometimes keep them in. 1. The buffet thing. Mick talked about it. When going to a buffet it's about getting the monies worth. I grew up poor...so, I am all about getting my monies worth. When I go to a Water park...I get there when it opens and I don't leave until it closes. So, I have endurance. Many people say to me "Shawna, let me know because I'll bring my own car." Yeap, I am a big on getting my *monies worth*. This is why since my band I do not go to buffets. It's not only a place to fail...but, truly what are we paying? Are we really getting our *monies worth* We also get, Obesity, diabetes, doc visits, clogged arteries, that end up on the plate. It also may add a sprinkle of an early death. I realized one day when at a Chinese buffet...no one in there was in healthy shape. That was a big eye opener. 2. food addiction... I am a big believer that this does exist. I know so many people who do not believe food addiction is real but, they are either in denial or clueless because they never had to deal with it. It becomes the escape, comforter, reward, etc just like a drug. Emotionally food can take on many personalities/fixes and feelings. I know I am a food addict...with a band. I guess I am kind of like an alcoholic with a sponsor?? It helps but, it's up to me. I wish there was a place near me ... an O.A. because I would go. I need a food sponsor... a buddy...I have them virtually but, here at home I lack the resources...so, I guess I am an addict without a person sponsor but, my band is helping me. (I'm sorry if you have dealt with the AA etc. I am using an analogy and haven't had to deal with that addiction...but, I do believe food can be comparable.) 3. The feelings some of us have after surgery when we watch someone in our old self shoes. I don't have this yet. When I read some blogs I see people angry as they watch someone eating like they used to. Screaming within when mom has biscuits, gravy, steak, and thirds. Right now I am in a different stage. I don't get enraged...I feel pity. I want to say "You should get a band" but, I don't. I feel like I have the cure for something but, it's taboo to share...oh and mega rude. I find myself saying in my mind "if they too could get one they would know how good it feels to have hope." Specifically though, lets talk about the anger stage. I know others who feel anger, frustration, etc when they see this after they have had surgery and lost weight. I think the reason for these feelings is...it's hard to watch someone else slowly kill themselves like *the person angry did* before surgery. I guess maybe it's like a drug addict who is recovered watching someone else pick up a meth pipe and go into the role they once played. It's very hard. It is a reminder of the old ways and the person doesn't like the old them (I agree with not liking the old person. that feeling I know well) Another perspective and comparison...I go back to my youth, I was a teen I was in an abusive relationship. I stayed for years, thought I didn't have no other way, had no self esteem, and gave up the dream of happy and love. I woke up though... I got out, got healthy, became strong, etc. Now, with a loving husband, 3 awesome kids, the thought of allowing someone to degrade me or hit me...seems so unimaginable! I now know what respect, love, and true happiness feels like ...So, I have a really hard time watching women/men stay in such relationships...I especially have a hard time when they have kids. I have to take myself out of these situations because I can't watch it. Oh, the back of my mind *gets it* the whole abuse syndrome, low selfesteem, etc but, the healthy me knows it's sooo worthless. When people get healthy with eating..maybe it's like leaving an abusive relationship?! So, we get angry when we see it! We can't watch the self abuse...because we know what it feels like to get help and find a new way to comfort, Celebrate etc. (I'm not perfect at this yet...still have times when I fall..especially around that time of the month) The reality is like drugs, abuse, etc Food also carries a death scare, health problems, worthlessness, and in the end hanging onto this life style leaves emptiness and the continuing of chasing a fleeting satisfaction, comfort, etc that food gives. I think many of us feel these things...anger/frustration or like me pity but, we dont' talk about it. We feel guilty. 4. My issue at hand. *food frustration* and wanting to hoard. I'll explain it. I watch those around me eat, I watch how big of bites people take, how they just swallow it with barely chewing, how they keep shoving it in even when they said "Oh, man I am full" and I see me. There is mindless eating that I see...the person doesn't look at the plate, they just shovel or pick it up. This one is very hard on me because since surgery I share plates with people. I can't eat a whole serving (well, people without band serving not a restaurant) and because I take my time, chew, relax, ...well I miss out. The other person eats the whole plate and I am stuck not feeling full. I finally said something because I was harboring anger...I said "I feel like the last kid out of a family of 10 to be ladling out my soup! I am hungry and you ate the food without even watching it, dividing it, realizing I had 2 shrimp out of 20...I think you are mindless eating...just sticking it in and not taking inventory." I know that sounds mean...but, I was starving in the shadows. This is after 5 months of it happening. I couldn't take it...I felt as if I was being taken advantage of. It's been a dangerous situation too...because it creates new issues for me to overcome. I find myself demanding my own plate (this person thinks it helps save dishes to spoon my portion on their plate) and I find myself hiding food (this is a bad thing.) I hide things I know I can eat because if I don't...well, I go without eating. My puddings are hid, my shrimp, my plums, my chicken from last night, etc. So, now I find myself hoarding food. It scares me to know I am hoarding. It also feels awful when I am looking at a cupboard of bread that people could eat but, I can't and my shrimp are gone. These are some issues with WLS...I guess I just don't hear a lot about. I guess I realize I may be ripped for talking about them..but, it does feel good to get everything out. I guess I am inspired and learn a lot from reading peoples blogs.

I guess what I need to do is start to drink shakes in the morning. Thanks for letting me know there are others out there.

bas wrote: May I ask - what size band do you have - and how many fill and how many cc's to hit your sweet spot? I have a realize band...and it's a 10 CC band and I am at 7.5 CC's. Oh, and I had my surgery on March 14, 2008.

1. Okay, how would someone ever know if they were too filled. I think in the beginning I didn't know to cut up my food into the size of corn kernals so, I would think I couldn't eat anything. Once my nutrition told me this I ate fine. So, what does a person look for? 2. Does anyone else find they can't eat well in the morning...or throw up... but, at night they can eat a plate of food fine? Is there anything I can do to help this? I tried to eat broccoli Soup yesterday and since it was the first thing I ate...I could only take 3 bites. Later that day... around 4pm... I ate the rest of the soup no problem. I do this every day. I want to eat the big meal in the morn and as the day goes by eat smaller and stop eating after 7pm. 3. When I eat in the morn and it is tight and I have a reaction... I get phlegm. I mean thick phlegm that if I swallow I end up too tight and getting sick. Anyone else having this problem? Do you know what causes it? How to prevent it? Is it normal? I feel I am filled to perfection right now but, I still have issues with the mornings. My friend suggested that at night I must become dehydrated?! but, seriously... I drink before bed so I don't see how this is possible. I think with every fill I have to learn how to eat. I am now at the sweet spot (I think). I know now that I have to go many times slower than my slow, smaller bites...a size of an m&m not the size of a Vitamin... I am learning a lot. I take an hour to eat and usually need breaks so, I do eat a lot of cold meals. I feel like I am eating a lot now. I can't eat bread but, I can eat a hamburger patty (had a picnic and ate this fine) and then maybe 2 tablespoons of macaroni salad..is this a lot? I also have learned to plan my eating almost like a football player strategizes his game play. For an example ...there was some bread on the table and my husband said...don't you want some...I said...if I eat a piece of bread then I am giving up my dinner. So, I ate my chicken first, then I ate a piece of a rib, and then some caramelized onions...and never did eat the bread. I wanted to eat it...but, I had to weigh it out and I know that if I do eat it...I will 1. get the phlem and lose it. I also have learned take my medicine first thing when I wake up and wait 2 hours before eating Breakfast. This morning I woke up at 6am...took my pills and then woke up for good at 9am and I seem to be able to process food better. I don't drink while I eat...if I need a sip I barely take it. I guess there should be a class on it but for now...it's trial and error. I am eating maybe 3 chicken wings the small buffalo kind made my way and not fattening and I am done. One little bite of a ripped part of a rib and I am done. I can't eat things like broccoli and bread. Oh, and yes. So, anyone else have mornings that have to be left without food?