GACaldwell

2 days till the 8 month mark. 
I've survived the two big events i had to do this year. Hopefully the rest of the year is a bit less hectic now. I needed to take a break and just not worry about weight for the last month or so. I still tried to eat well and drink my water but I knew I didn't have time to exercise or be totally focused so i just gave myself a break. I lost and gained the same 5 lbs over and over again. It was still depressing. 
Now that's over and I turned 39 on Sunday..I'm getting back to basics this week and tracking my food and water. Next week Ill start Yoga 3 times per week again and Tabata training (Still hate it!) 2 times per week, per the dietician. I THINK I maybe broke my stall this morning and made it below 170 but we will have to see if that will hold through till Monday at my actual weigh in. Admittedly, I started taking my adipex again (1/2 in the am & 1/2 in the Pm though Im prescribed 1 1/2 a day) to try and help with the cravings/head hunger. It helps. Im eating less which has always been an issue for me. 
The dietician wants to adjust my goal weight to 155 instead of 135. That would put me 15 lbs from my goal weight right now which is weird to say. She's more interested in my body fat percentage than anything though. At the beginning of April it was 38% and she wants it at 33%...like I said before, I'm solid. I think Ill be happy at 155 or so because im just not focused on the scale number and I want to be healthy. I'm certainly not losing weight at a rapid rate at this point and for me, it will probably still be a struggle to keep it off for the rest of my life. That's ok. I'm committed. Right now I need to focus on toning and building muscle back. I really really want to be able to do a pull up. It's a goal for my 39th year!
One thing...when we went to the convention this year, I noticed how much more attention I got as compared to other years. There were a lot of compliments. I expect that from people who know me and have known me for years both heavy and slimmer...but i had complete strangers intentionally give me compliments. I had one woman walk across a crowded patio just to introduce herself to ONLY me. It was unnerving.  Part of my brain wanted to scream "Damn it ! I was cute before too!" and i'm still working on just saying thank you without being self deprecating.
Im working on looking at the big picture instead of focusing on the next lb down (or up) or the next calorie intake. I NEED to know those things, but I don't need to let them control my life. This years goals are being met, slowly but surely. Ill get there, no matter where there is. 

<Insert "carry on my wayward son...they'll be peace when you are done"..Points to the SPN fandom>
 
Today marks 3 months and 1 week since I had VGS in Mexico. I'm still learning to use this site so I never knew there was a blog option till now. I've been fairly quite on my other social media feeds about my surgery for a multitude of personal reasons. But here feels safer, and well, none of my family/friends/acquaintances are here so...
 
I've spent the majority of my life being a yo-yo dieter. While I have always loved my body just as it was, yes, even when I was morbidly obese (it's strange to say "was"), I was never that healthy chubby chick. I've been on BP meds since I was 30yrs old, battle my cholesterol & have a history of heart disease on both sides of the family. My dad had his first heart attack at 40 and I was 38 when I had the surgery.
 
I still question myself every day if I did the right thing. I'm 30+ lbs down in 3 months, my blood pressure is in normal ranges for the first time in years and my dr is thrilled with my progress. But the negative committee that meets in my head tells me "this isn't going to work...just like everything else" and "you'll just gain it all back because that's what you do" and the worst "Why did you spend so much money on yourself you selfish pig."
Yeah...they're a real piece of work, that committee.
 
We'll be paying off my surgery for years. Was it worth it? i hope so. My partner tells me it was to him...and he likes to remind me that it's cheaper than the cost of a funeral. Morbid, yes, but it makes sense.
 
My brain still cant accept it..I'm down 30lbs, 4 pants sizes, Lots of inches and still I don't "see" it. I can see it some days in what I wear...in my rings being looser...in the way I can do little things like cross my legs where I couldn't before. But it's like there is a disconnect with my brain in accepting all of this as truth or as real and definitely as sustainable.
 
Every time the scale goes up, even when it's a fraction of a lb, I think "this is it..this is where this stops and I gain it all back". Every time I "fail" and give in to temptation and eat something that isn't 100% on diet, I think "this is where I give up and revert to bad habits" (though admittedly, I eat pretty well most of the time, even before surgery). Every time I'm too tired to get on the elliptical I think "You wasted all that money for this?"
 
Maybe it will change. I keep trying. I keep going.