Hiraeth

You're right. I am making excuses for her. She blames her ex-boyfriend raping her for her PTSD. But, in my opinion, I think she's just gay and sleeping with men gives her anxiety.

Let me say again how much I appreciate you taking the time to respond so thoroughly to me. You don't even know me and yet, you care enough to give me such great, gentle advice. I truly do appreciate it. I also want to apologize by how wishy washy I seem with this whole thing. It's not easy, because I do still have feelings for her. I trusted her more than anyone in my whole life. I've even dated many people before her, and in person. But for some reason, I clicked with her on such a strong level. We had future plans together. And then, the guilt became too much, I guess, because her sister is LDS and highly against homosexuality. The other night she defended the girl she slept with after we broke up. It hurt my feelings a lot because that girl pressured her into sleeping with her. She came on to her and even went as far as touching her without consent. She ended up giving in and sleeping with her anyway. The night she defended her, she said that she was "kinda her friend" and that she is easily misled. I felt so disrespected, and I went 2-3 days without saying much to her at all. Then, I got weak and tried to see her point of view. My ex is the type of person who tries to see the best in everyone, and tries to give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm like this too, but I feel that the girl she slept with is toxic. So I took it personally, which was probably wrong. Last night I ended up texting her and apologizing. She was persistent with texts after I stopped texting; and I either ignored them completely, or answered very shortly and quite blunt. When I apologized, I said I was sorry and told her that it hurt my feelings. She replied saying, "It's ok. I understand." So, I said ok. I then asked her if she would prefer if we stopped talking. She said, "I like talking to you, but you don't seem interested." Ha, if only she knew... She admitted that my silence hurt her feelings. I know she seems like a shitty person, but she really isn't. I think her confusion and doubt makes her seem toxic. I do agree that the ways things are between us, is toxic. What you told me to say to her is almost identical to what I was going to say to her. It had been almost 2 years since we had spoken, and I thought that maybe we could be friends. She reached out to me, so I responded. But as the days went by, she started flirting with me (even if she thinks she wasn't, she truly was) and my feelings resurfaced. I guess my feelings never truly left. I mean, she started talking about old pictures that I had sent her in the past and how she liked them. Am I wrong to see that as flirting? A friend of mine, who is also a friend of hers, told me that he thinks she still has feelings for me, but that she is trying to block them out because she's afraid to acknowledge them. That sounds like her. A part of me is afraid that, if I do end things, it will destroy any chance I have with her. I am aware that a chance with her looks slim right now. I am going write a rough draft of what I will say to her to cut contact. I will send it when I think it's the right time. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Wow, your words are truly speaking to me. You seem very wise. You have me figured out. I do want to fix her. I want to so badly. I truly appreciate your response. I agree. I think she is confused. It's almost like she wants me to beg her to choose me. I'm not 100% sure that she knows how I feel. I'm not the type of person to just cut contact out of nowhere. Should I tell her how I feel, and then cut contact?

Really?! That's only 10 minutes from where I live. Did you have your surgery yet?I haven't. I'm having it with Dr Miles on 11/22. Got my date yesterday! That's great! I used Dr. Miles, too! He's great. Keep me updated on how you do.

I think you're all correct. She's about to get another job soon, so I think I will cut contact after she gets it because I don't want to ruin her good mood. Thanks so much for the advice.

Really?! That's only 10 minutes from where I live. Did you have your surgery yet?

Update: For those who are wondering, lol. We talked last night and she made it clear that she is feeling pressured to marry her fiance because she's worried about going to Hell, disappointing her family, and hurting her fiance. She admitted that there is a sexual connection lacking in their relationship. I told her my best advice. I don't know what will happen next, but I am keeping my heart at a safe distance. She is making obvious hints that she has unresolved feelings for me. She is flirting with me the way she used to. She even offered to send me money when I told her I was low and needing to pay a bill. I declined, but it was still a nice offer. I am still keeping everyone's advice in my view. Even if it doesn't work out between us, I still want her to be happy.

My mom agrees now that gay people cannot help who they are, but that they should not act on that desire. But, humans were created for companionship. It's unfair to tell us not to pursue something so pure. Thank you for your words of wisdom. <3

I actually smiled when you said I'm a child. I still feel like a teenager. My life has gone by so quickly. I was forced to make adult decisions as early as age 12. So, I feel like I wasn't able to grow up the way I should have. When someone tells me I'm young, it makes me feel pretty good. So, thank you. <3

Wow, you are such an amazing person for accepting people for who they are. Will you adopt me? LOL. And you are so right; she really should sort out her issues before pursuing a relationship. I guess I felt like I could fix her. But I know I can't do that. I don't think she truly loves herself. She admitted that she is depressed. I just wish there was something I could do to help. I have a "save the world" complex. You should see all the strays I have rescued, lol!

I heard about that story, too. Was her persona named Rick? If so, then the straight woman actually ended up marrying the lesbian woman, lol! Crazy, right? I don't think I'm being catfished to that extent. I know what she looks like and I've even done a background check on her (she allowed me to) and everything she says is true. I've even Skype'd her parents. So I know she is real. But, I know it's unhealthy to continue this. Last night really was an eye-opener for me. I know my worth. I know I deserve better. This morning she texted me saying she's depressed. I rolled my eyes when I got that text because she said this after I told her that I was doing some soul searching last night. I feel like she said this to pull me back into her dark cave. I'll admit, a part of me was pulled back, but the other park is staying in a safe spot. I'm keeping part of my guard up. I think she may call me later, I'm not sure. Good news is, I'm going to my 2nd support group tomorrow since surgery and I'm excited! LOL! I have to admit, this made me laugh so hard! I really should!

She is 24 and I am 25. I don't usually go for women younger than me, but she's only 9 months younger, and she acts much older than me. So it worked for a while. When we started dating, she was seeing a therapist about her guilt for having homosexual desires. The counseling was helping her a lot. But then when she moved, and moved in with her homophobic sister, her guilt hit its peak. This is what triggered our breakup. She then started having a crush on a man because he was nice to her, and she desired feeling normal. So now they are engaged, but I know that she prefers being intimate with women. She tells me details about their sex life (which I find odd). I don't think she knows that I have feelings for her, because I am pretty good at hiding it. Sometimes I think that she flirts with me to see if I'll flirt back, then she will talk about her sex life to see how I react. I've given her reactions that she enjoys, but I think that she wonders if that means that my feelings are still there. I agree 100%. For people who like sex, if there is little to no attraction, then the marriage won't work. I truly believe that she sees him as more of a best friend than a lover. I think she is trying to force herself to love him. She says that she barely ever sees him because he works night shift. Can this cause someone to doubt a marriage? In my opinion, I don't think it would cause them to doubt marriage if they truly love the person.

Wow, harsh, lol. No, she doesn't show me pictures of them together. If she did, I definitely wouldn't be talking to her. That would be too much, I think. Years ago, she made the effort to try to see me, but I told her not to at the moment. I wasn't ready because my mother didn't know about my sexuality. She felt rejected, and that's when she started to develop a crush on someone else. I don't blame her fiance for anything. I feel bad for him, honestly. He's depressed, too. And I have a feeling that she's part of the reason. I let people treat me this way because I feel bad for them. I know it's not right. I really just needed advice. Thank you.

My dear girl...haven't you had enough of her bullsh*t already? The hardest thing to do sometimes is move on. You know that's what you need to do. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I have several friends who are lesbians and I've seen this type of behavior with many of them in that they seem to not be able to end a relationship when that is the logical step. It's always 'let's stay in touch' and I don't get that. This woman was a huge part of your life...you loved her and likely still do. Doesn't mean you should be involved with her though. Think seriously of cutting all contact. In my opinion, that is the step you need to take before being able to move forward. Wishing you all the best... I really do think I have had nearly enough. I haven't reached my breaking point, yet. But I am very close. I did not take that the wrong way. It sometimes seems like there's a lot of cheating and relationship issues in the LGBT community. Usually, that's because LGBT people tend to be a bit more insecure because of nonacceptance and that can cause them to be insecure in other things. And you're right... She wanted to remain my friend, but I was unable to do that. I thought, after 2 years, I would be able to be her friend. But I now realize that my feelings for her have never completely left. It sucks. It's hard for me to cut contact because she seeks advice from me. I'm the only person she texts besides her best friend and fiance. Her best friend isn't the best at giving advice, so she confides in me. I'm afraid to take that away from her. I know I should put myself first, but I've never been the type of person to do that. I know, I sound pathetic. :/

You'll do what you'll do, but if you "ask her how she feels," be aware in advance that you'll be playing her game, dancing her dance. If you're "most likely" [ahem] going to end contact, why does it matter how she feels? Don't look for ways to torment yourself. Don't let her reappearance cast a shadow on your weight stuff. They are separate issues and you don't wan to hand over what makes you feel so good. Never hand over to anyone what makes you feel good. Anyone who would actually accept such a gift is worth neither the gift nor the giver. Gosh, you are so right. If I ask her how she feels, then I will be playing her game. I went too long without texting her last night, so she texted me back. I apologized and said that I was distracted. She was EXTREMELY curious as to what I was distracted by. So I told her that I was soul searching and learning my worth. She then became even more curious. So I told her I was on a forum talking to other people. She wanted to know what forum, but I didn't tell her. She has no right to know. Thank you for your response. <3 No, but we have Skyped. I know it sounds crazy, but I truly don't think she is living a life separate from what she tells me. She sends me about 3 videos a day showing me what she's doing (I'm not sure why, lol). I'm pretty good at knowing who is lying to me, since I've been lied to many times, and I truly don't think she's lying about her life. Thank you! I know it's her, and not me. I know I have a lot of love to give, and that she made a mistake by leaving me. I also know that if I had been there with her in person, I'd be the one she chooses. But I'm not there, that's why this isn't working. Again, thank you. <3

Wow. That's the first thing I have to say. This is such a thorough, heartfelt, and kind response. I truly appreciate your honesty and the time you took to write this. It means more than you know. You are 100% right. I truly believe that she is insecure. I also feel like she may be trying to relive her past before she makes a commitment to someone else. I think she will be defensive, since she has already shown signs of being this way. I honestly cannot tell you how much this response has opened my eyes. I have to love myself more than this. Your analogy about the thorn being in the heart is such a perfect description, that I feel like you know me personally. You are very intuitive, and I appreciate that. Once I've had enough of her bullshit, I'm going to show her this message that you wrote me. I could never put my words into such a perfect way. I won't show who you are, but I needed this to word how I feel correctly. Again, thank you so much. <3

This is wonderful advice. I'm amazed at how wise these replies are. I am so glad I posted this here. You all are so sweet to be so understanding. She was lonely, and he did become her best friend. I feel bad for letting her become lonely. We talked constantly, but that wasn't enough for her. Plus, her sister's words and actions triggered even more guilt inside of her. They are intimate, but they both like different things I suppose. Plus, he can never make the first move with her because it triggers severe PTSD in her. You are right. She admitted that it is easier for her to live a heterosexual life. She is avoiding a lot of guilt, shame, and persecution. Her parents loved me, but it wasn't enough because her sister was so cruel. I am almost certain that she will grow bored of him and end things, if not soon, then later. I guess I want to help her also avoid that mess, but I know it is none of my business. So I'm keeping my opinions to myself when I speak to her. When I try to leave her alone, she becomes more persistent with texting me. She will text me every few hours until I answer. She texts me right when she wakes up, and right before she goes to bed. It's very confusing. I feel bad leaving her in the dust because I think she confides in me. Either way, I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to disappoint her.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I would want her back, but the question is: Should I? No, I shouldn't. I know I deserve someone who knows what they want. As for the distance, I would have moved to be with her. I wasn't ready to move a few years ago. She also did not cheat on me when we were together. She ended things before she ever became intimate with anyone. She only developed a crush while we were dating. She said it's because she was lonely because I wasn't there with her in person. I do agree that she is mentally cheating on her fiance. I feel bad about this. But she said that he doesn't care if she flirts with other people, as long as it doesn't become physical. To me, that sounds so weird. I would never want my significant other to flirt with other people. Their relationship doesn't seem very secure.

Thank you all for posting. I know I shouldn't be allowing her to string me along. I hate that I allow it. I think what I will do is bring up the subject and just come out and ask her how she feels. After that, I will most likely stop contact again. I was doing so well and had a lot of sunshine in my future with this WLS. Then she pops back up and now the sunshine is dimming. It sucks.

You're right. I shouldn't have asked that question because you all don't know her personally. I don't know why I asked that, lol. You're also right about me hoping she isn't in love with him because I do want her to be with me. I've never confided in anyone more than I have with her. That's what makes this so difficult. Love truly is complicated. My ex cares A LOT about sex. She thinks about it constantly. So, I would think that she wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with someone unless she were attracted to them. I do think a lot of the reason why she is marrying him is to please her family and avoid the guilt of being with a woman. She craves companionship, so she would rather be with a nice man than be alone. I do wonder if she is getting sexual gratification from me, but then she keeps bringing up her past and truly going into detail about why it ended; which was because of the guilt and distance. Even if she dumped him for me, I don't know if I could be with her because of the lack of trust I once had. I do know that with time, my trust could be restored, but I am still scared. She seems to be attached to me emotionally. She is very persistent with text messages. Sometimes I will test her (unknowingly to her) to see if she will keep texting me, even if I haven't replied to her previous texts; it's almost as if she's chasing after me. Also, she texts me right before she goes to bed and right when she wakes up. So I must be on her mind.

I know I can't solve them, which sucks, because I wish I could. I think I may have a "Save-the-World Complex". Right now, talking to her gives me mixed feelings. I get excited when she texts, but I also feel so shitty when she talks about getting married. It's a constant roller coaster. I also feel disappointed when she goes a while without responding. It's hard for me to tell her to stop, because honestly, I like when she does it. But, I know it isn't healthy to let this continue. I have contemplated blocking her, but sometimes I feel like I'm her only form of support and advice. She always tells me that I know what to say and that I give great advice. I do know that there is probably someone better than this out there for me. It just sucks because, I have never connected with someone this much. This is so hard.

Thank you all so much for your wise words. You all have a very good point in this. Trust me, this advice really helps. Exactly! I swear, you always have such wisdom in all of your posts. I am so honored that you took the time to respond to me, especially with such a stressful topic. I agree with this; I don't think she knows what she wants. I'm usually very good at figuring things out for myself, especially with relationships, but this one has got me on a roller coaster of confusion. She told me many times recently that she can't be with a woman purely because of guilt. She said, "I don't feel guilty with my fiance." I truly believe that she just cares about him as a friend, and that she is trying to force herself into loving him as a partner. I also wonder why she waited this long to contact me, especially since she is about to get married. I also wonder why she keeps bringing up our past. I really hope she isn't doing this as an ego boost, because she is genuinely a good person. I know it doesn't sound like it by what I've written. It's so hard for me to imagine her doing something in a cruel manner. I've been in a few relationships before, and all of them were horrible, except this one. She has never treated me badly, until after we broke up.

Thank you so much for your response! She told me that her fiance doesn't care if she flirts, which is strange. Do you think there's a possibility that maybe she is lying to herself about being in love with him? It's one thing to be unfaithful to someone, but it's another thing to be unfaithful to someone you love. I feel like she's not 100% faithful to him because of her sexuality. Do you think that's possible? Or, maybe she's just extremely insecure. I tried telling my mother once. It did not go well AT ALL. So I told her it was just a phase and she believed me. I feel safer if she doesn't know. No one besides my friends and sister knows. I hide it well because I'm feminine, and they tend to associate being boyish with being a lesbian (which is not always true).

Oh my gosh, for a minute there, I thought I truly offended you, LOL! O_O My heart rate went up a bit, lmao! I was like "OMG I hurt someone's feelings! >_<" I actually was just talking about in general. Since my age isn't displayed on the side of my posts, I assumed people would think I'm middle-aged (since being overweight usually happens after 30). I actually lose weight quickly. Even on a 1500 calorie diet, I lost 10-12 pounds each month. Now I'm only getting in about 500-800 calories each day, and I walk at least 2.5 miles per day. I plan on upping my exercise a bit in a few weeks. I guess, as long as I'm losing inches, that's what matters. And you're right... Some people set goals for themselves only to be let down. I never would have set a goal for myself like this unless I knew from experience. Now THAT is unrealistic, haha. Everyone is different. I know some people who weigh over 400 pounds; some lost 100 pounds in 4-6 months, while other 400-pounders have lost 100 pounds in 1 year. I'm glad I know my body. It really helps me stay focused on a goal.

And I've already lost 30 pounds! I figured that I wouldn't lose this much since I was 255 (since BMIs under 50 don't usually lose this quickly), but WOW! I know that it will slow down a bit, but I'll be happy as long as I can lose 10 pounds per month. I am now the weight that I was 2 years ago! I'm so excited! My surgeon said I should be 180 by December.