crazygoose

Okay I've always had mental issues, clinical depression, anxiety, ptsd and a history of being abused as a child yadda yadda (the stereotypical poster child for low self esteem)... But never once did I think losing a bunch of weight would be the sole solution to all my life problems, but yes it has greatly improved my quality of life, health wise most importantly and I wouldn't change my weightloss journey for anything in the world, yet I've always understood no matter what I will always be a damaged person. That is not to say I can't change and I consider myself a work in progress but sometimes I'm not sure what I'm doing. Before I always had a child like mind and was considered naive, innocent and easy to take advantage of (but part of me actually knew what was going on, just too meek to say anything and I often play dumb to avoid conflict). I had only been in one relationship in my 34 years of life (that relationship lasted 12-13 years) and when he moved on I just completely gave up on living and hardly went outside for 8 years, just stayed in my room and rotted away and hoped everyone forgot I existed and that I would just eventually die. For years it was told to me that I was disabled and just beyond help and I'd be better off living my days in group homes or facilities for the mentally ill and despite me knowing it was untrue I just gave into whatever everyone said about me until that one day I the found fire and strength in me to turn my life around. 3 years later and everything is much different now, people can't believe I'm the same person. I finally got over my fears and learned how to drive, got a car ,got a job, live on my own in and...got the sleeve which means I dropped a lot of weight. I've grown up and changed a lot...Except in one area where I am very much like a teenage girl. My "love" life. While I'm attracted to men it's like their a whole different species and I don't understand them at all. Even when I was in the relationship with my ex he left me because he wanted someone "in better shape." So I always assumed I'm gross and unwanted with a big part of it being because of the weight. So last summer I weighed about 200 pounds. I had just started fixing myself up more and my mom introduced me to this guy she thought would make a great friend since we were both shy and had similar personalities. Our friendship grew into a little more over the 4 month span but he never wanted anything else from me so I respected that, but he knew I liked him and we had been intimate on a few occasions and all of a sudden he just stopped and just wanted to stay platonic. I later found out that he had someone else but never told me and it crushed me. He said something to the effect of "When you get smaller you'll be a killer and I'll be bummed that you don't like me anymore." Yet the women he chose is heavy set as well and she is 19 years older than him and not to be mean but she is a known drunk, so yeah it was a major blow and I felt like crap. Despite my mom saying "It's not you, just he has his own deeps issues and prefers women who he feels need him." I still took it hard and looked everywhere for some sort of validation as a person and because of it I put myself in dangerous situations. In the quest of opening my eyes and seeing what else is out there, wanting to feel desired and connect with someone... I went on random dates with pretty much any guy who showed interest, even strangers who showed red flags from the beginning by repeatedly insisting I drink alcohol when I said I don't drink or as soon as I got into this one guy's car after talking to him on the phone for 2 weeks thinking he was going to take me out somewhere first thing he did was grabbed my boobs and stuck his tongue down my throat. I tried going to social atmospheres like bars and clubs, but it's really not my thing. I'm just really horrified at this point about dating because I feel like the majority of men are creeps and I'm not sure how to go about finding a decent one or knowing when I'm ready to.

That really sucks but love yourself regardless you are beautiful. Whenever I go through a stall or the pounds start creeping up I revert back to my post op diet where I do protein shakes and only eat things that have nutritional value (chicken and veggies). Are there any foods in particular that might be holding you back? For me it was popcorn and granola. I thought granola was healthy until I started noticing I was gaining weight despite working out like crazy but once I cut these two things in particular out of my diet I finally dropped a stubborn 30 pounds.

Yasss you look great keep up the good work!!! Sent from my SGH-T399N using the BariatricPal App

Okay so I might be getting a place of my own this week. Since 2009 I've dreamed of moving to this particular place. I used to stay there with an ex-boyfriend at one point and always wanted to live there on my own but there were all sorts of obstacles that prevented me from getting the gall to apply, I was afraid I wouldn't meet all the requirements but I prayed really hard and worked really hard over the past year to do whatever I can to qualify for this place. I don't want to live anywhere else. I put all my eggs in one basket pretty much but that's how badly I wanted to live there lol. Anyways so its pending a final approval and I informed the property manger that I would be having surgery soon so I would like to know when I would be able to move in and that's when she told me this very upcoming week if everything goes fine however, someone died in the place. An old lady who supposedly died from old age and I was told that I need to sign a waiver saying that I was informed. I don't know if I believe in ghosts or what not really. Part of me does especially when alone, part of me doesn't. I sometimes suffer from sleep paralysis, where my eyes are open and I can't move and sometimes hallucinate creepy things. I just don't know if I should move into this place now knowing someone died. To be honest I wish the property manager never told me. Anyways would you do it?

I know it's been a while since I've been active on these forums but I have been depressed lately and didn't really realize it until yesterday when I had a break down. It just sort of crept up on me, before I was very motivated and active on these forums and active in my weight loss journey and other goals in life such as furthering my education and bettering myself etc. I just lost interest in all of that, I mean I still obey the rules of my diet but I haven't been exercising. Then two weeks ago I started getting anxiety attacks while out in public, I stopped answering my phone, texts and started avoiding people, I started skipping appointments, I let myself go again I look like a cavewoman and all I wanna do is stay inside my apartment and watch netflix and play games, anything to feel safe and escape reality. What is my fault and that I need to take responsibility for is that I stopped taking my meds, the reason for that is that I was told because of the weight loss surgery I would now have to break the capsules in half and take my meds in it's powder form but the taste is unbearable and makes me throw up so I just quit taking them thinking I would be okay. Another thing I'm dealing with is that my grandma, the woman who raised me is dying, like we're not sure if she'll make it another week let alone this weekend. While everyone tries to spend every moment with her that they possibly can me and my sister have been doing the opposite. See I do visit my grandma at least twice a week but all she's seems to be doing is getting worse. It's like I've been doing everything I can to avoid dealing with this fact. The last 3 times I visited her I had anxiety attacks. I think I'm in some deep level of denial because my emotions and my mind are sort of detached when I see her because I'm calm but my body reacts and I start to feel sick like I'm going to faint, vision gets blurry, I feel dizzy and start sweating a lot and it even triggers my period and all I want to do is get out of there as fast as I can. During visits all she does is cry in pain the entire time and the other night I visited her she was crying loudly and praying out loud "God just let me suffocate tomorrow." over and over again. I think she tried to ask me to end her life at some point. My sister on the other hand has been doing everything possible to avoid seeing my grandma and everyone gets mad at her and calls her selfish but I think she might be having trouble coping as well. People in my family have implied that I need to stay with my grandma longer during my visits and I try but its very difficult, I try to comfort her but I feel helpless. I don't even have the strength to pray and I faith in God but I've been avoiding him too. I know this is a long post but from 2011-2015 I didn't leave my room at all except to go to the bathroom and eat so I don't know if this cycle is starting up all over again I don't want it to but I think it's possible. I also wonder if I've been compartmentalizing my grandma being sick and dying, and if all this depression and anxiety attacks is because of it. It's like everyone else in my family has been crying and stressing out all along, but me I just stay in my apartment watch netflix I feel "happy", then I go visit my grandma and get a nasty dose of reality and nearly lose it. The last two days though I have been moments when I think about her and I burst out crying hysterically. So yeah that's what's been going on with me.

Thank you all for your advice and support. Unfortunately my grandma passed away last night while under a medical induced coma. I was able to kiss her and say goodbye before she was gone. One thing I did not mention was that in the beginning and through the middle of her illness I was at the hospital with her every day spending 4-8 hours with her but as she got worse and worse and her pain and suffering took over and she began to seem less and less like herself it became harder and that's where I fell off because I knew she was not going to get better. I get the gist of where many of you are coming from saying I should've sucked it up and concentrated more on her and I'm beginning to see my failures in that and realized more things that I could've done but now it's too late.... I appreciated the small things posts where someone said they lotioned their dad's feet and played music he liked that was sweet my mom and my aunt did that for her. I was devastated when I learned my grandma had passed, but now waking up the next day I look at her pictures of when she was alive and well and along with sadness I feel a strange sense of peace that she is no longer laying up in a hospital bed suffering. That the worst has already happened and there's nothing more to dread. I know maybe it hasn't hit me fully yet. Even though she's gone I think I still got another chance to do right by her. I still have my grandpa, I can check on him, go over and tidy up their house and bring him meals. I'm gonna honor her by doing what she would've want me to do, move forward, get my life together,work on my health, pursue my education. I'm starting this morning by taking my medication I'll try mixing it in with something. Anyways thanks to all who took the time to read my post and reply.

The doctor says I can start exercising next week and I'm really looking forward to it. I would love to have a personal trainer but I can't afford one. I don't want to just walk on a treadmill. I want to be able to do things like walk up two flights of stairs without getting so winded. I want to walk faster, I want to work on my arms, I can't hold my arms up for more than a few seconds without them getting painfully tired. I want to push myself but not in a dangerous way. What are the different kind of exercises I can start out with?

Sounds like the NSV just snuck up on you. Anyways congratulations!

Welcome Mike! All the best wishes on your journey!

Not that I've ever been in your shoes, but I say as long as you aren't going broke and have severe shopping addiction, give your least favorites away and keep having fun! You are a woman and shopping just comes with the territory.

There's no horrible feeling like feeling powerless/helpless. I cannot imagine the stress you are going through but just stay strong and you're a champion for not stopping by Mc Donald's. Don't give in and this is just one of those sucky tests life just likes to spring up on people, it's testing your well-being, your finances, your diet, your family, etc. To fight the feelings of helplessness, maybe you can try to be proactive. Support your husband if you can, maybe help him look for another job, sit down search, gather your resources, find out what's available in your area if you get short on bills and food. Not to be all religious fanatic here, but if you believe in a higher power then pray if that's something you do. For comfort lean on your family/friends a little maybe try to come up with a positive hobby or project to take your mind off of things.

I was told to get whey protein powder isolate and that I would have to put a spoonful on my food. Other than that the others here have given you pretty good advice. I ordered my vitamins from bariatricpal one of the gastric sleeve vitamin packs. I pretty much though wanted to say congrats though!

I'm so glad you asked this because I have also become fixated on popcorn -it was my favorite snack food. So much harder now to go into a theater and smell the powerful aroma of delicious popcorn and hear people munching on it. I think because we're on this liquid diet for so long that we begin to crave something salty and crunchy in texture. But after reading some of these replies I think it's best to stay away from popcorn as long as possible and when the time comes when I can actually eat it I will only have a handful or two of it.

I'm not sure if this advice would be helpful because I wasn't afraid of dying (my family was more afraid than I was) sure I knew there was the possibility but really it's just that, a small possibility and I had faith that I would make it through. Now one of the things I did do the day before was ask if my surgeon lost any patients and they told me none so far. So maybe if you can contact your surgeon's office and ask them if your surgeon has lost any patients . If he did lose some then yeah it's okay to rethink this a bit. Try to think positive though think about your future and how you expect to benefit from the sleeve.

Premier protein shake is a good protein shake, its delicious once you get used to the taste like a thick chocolate milk. (If you get chocolate) it has 30 grams of protein and like the others said its only 160 calories. Here's some other tips, stay away from television (those food commercials will drive you nuts, I took some other's advice and made friends with Netflix) try not to be around actual food or people eating food if you can help it. Find a hobby or something to keep your mind preoccupied, or sleep when you can (that's how I got through my pre op diet). Look at it as a big test, because this is one of the biggest if not the biggest obstacle right now. Hang in there you can do it and afterward you'll feel like a champ.

Oh my gosh that's great! Congratulations I find this to be very inspiring. This makes me want to start coming up with fitness goals for myself soon.

Thanks for your replies! You guys told me what I needed to hear. I'm going to get in the habit of re-reading my weight loss manual at least every few days and checking this forum daily so that I don't forget anything. I think I had gotten fixated on this notion that after a handful of food you will feel full and part of the bad eating habit I had was that I was eating until I was full so I will take the advice to just concentrate on measuring and sticking to the portions no matter what vs.what my tummy/mind feels. I know that is very crucial. So I am definitely going to do what I need to from here on out, not going to eat and drink at the same time anymore and make sure I do it slowly because I definitely don't want to mess this up.

I'm hoping someone can give me advice. >.< I had surgery April 6 and am on stage 2 of liquid diet and already I am starting to think my surgery has failed. I've been sticking to the pureed diet even though I'm living off of egg beaters (surgeon said I could have eggs) and premier Protein shakes, Jello, pudding, crystal light and cottage cheese. This is all I've been eating. I just moved and put all my money into the move and things I needed for the surgery so I'm not able to get elaborate with my diet yet and buy all the foods like veggies and meat to put into the blender. Anyways I've been a little careless because I somehow started thinking the sleeve isn't working and I've been getting a little testy with my limits to see if I will get full. I eat fast (not on purpose but because I'm hungry) and nothing happens and I don't feel full anymore and started feeling like I can eat more, just my mind goes stop it you're going to mess up so I initially stopped eating when my mind did that but then yesterday I was hungry and got carried away with cottage cheese and ate almost an entire bowl. I ate as much as a normal person could eat but never felt full and I mentally had to stop myself. I even started eating and drinking at the same time lately and I feel full faster but nothing happens and I don't ever feel like I'm going to puke. I haven't thrown up not once since I had the surgery. I drink crystal light really fast because it's sweet and I'm a diabetic but nothing happens so I don't know if I messed up my sleeve. I know what I'm doing is stupid because I'm supposed to eat and drink separately and really slow but everyone says the sleeve is supposed to make you feel full and I'm just not really feeling full anymore so yeah I'm a little worried and wondering what's going on and if I messed it up already.

I am no expert but I remember when I was in the hospital right after the surgery I had actually gained 10 pounds from all the fluids they pumped into me and didn't lose it for a few days. Maybe your body still is in shock and trying to retain nutrients and fluids and such. Don't fret though. Also did you lose a lot of weight pre op? With my body it's pattern has been. "I'm gonna lose 5 pounds all at once then rest for 3-4 days." I know bodies react differently but keep doing what you're doing don't lose faith as long as you do what you're supposed to do you will lose it.

I never feared dying I mean sure there was the thought of that possibility but I never took it as a threat because I figured my time is just my time and if it wasn't going to happen one way at that date and time it would've happened another way but that's just my belief. I did however make calls to my loved ones and told them that I loved them just in case lol. When they put the anesthesia mask over me I still wasn't scared. Just like "Here we go off to the loser's bench!" I think you will be fine positive thinking helps.

I will warn you that this post is a shallow rant probably because I have a lot of time on my hands today. I've decided to stay home and rest since I've been so busy since getting out of the hospital from my surgery Friday and I'm seriously thinking of staying away from television for a while because all I keep seeing is these Carl's Jr. and Checkers commercials. Anyone that knows me knows that burgers are my favorite food and aside from soda probably is the main reason why I am obese. But what pisses me off is they keep showing these supermodels in these fast food commercials eating burgers the size of their pretty little heads (the burgers are not even that big in real life) and I'm not sure why but I find it ridiculous and absurd. Why can't they be truthful and show the real people who really love their burgers? People who love their burgers so much they gained over 100 pounds and have heart disease from eating them? I feel like people are being sold lies. Anyways end of rant.