SassyScienceNerd

Going to the support groups isn't to land a date. It's to get out and be social. Dating is not the only way to be social. Go make friends. Go get comfortable in public outings. Have fun. The goal isn't to meet someone to date, but it might happen anyway. When you're comfortable and happy with your social life it's a lot easier to attract someone who sees light coming out of you. Right now you are projecting this image (at least on this thread) as a sad, shut-in loner who hopes that internet magic will bring you a love life. Go love life instead, and the rest will either come or it won't, but at least you'll be out enjoying the world.

Well you know (and let me say this isn't an attack on you ok) you kinda come across as a bit of a negative kind of person. People in general don't gravitate towards that type of person. They want someone who is going to encourage them not bring em down! Try looking on the bright side! It sounds like you've got some great things going for you with your weightloss you've accomplished on your own and you are taking steps for some self care. The only reason people suggest these support groups is sometimes it helps being with people who have had the same struggle because you can relate and maybe meet someone. But yeah if your just going looking to get laid or something your going to be dissapointed. Like I said previously stop looking so hard for love and let it come to you.

SW: 328
CW: 256
GW: 150
Surgery date: January 12, 2017

Attention grab: success.

ALL OF IT.

You came in this thread pretending that you want to understand how women think so you can get one but all you ever do is low key bash women for not responding to you.
You never once post anything about working on your social anxiety and improving your self worth. You are never going to get someone until you work on yourself.
And above you said you were not willing to change for a woman. You don't need to change for a woman you need to change for yourself. You are going to wake up old and alone one day and regret your choices.

Tbh Sgc you've kind of derailed the original topic on conversation for OP, and that's sorta not cool man. Like I understand your frustration of not being able to find an SO but people here and in your own thread have really tried to help you out with suggestions. Also Bariatric patients are normal your talking like we got three heads or something. If your content with being single then what's the problem? Just live your life make friends and let love come to you stop chasing it so hard. It's almost like your just focusing too hard on it right now. Just continue on your weigh loss journey and keep your head up. Being in a relationship isn't the end all be all, and if you were miserable before it won't fix things. Ya know?

SW: 328
CW: 256
GW: 150
Surgery date: January 12, 2017

If you're going at this with a defensive outlook like being more social and functioning in society is "changing you", then you're fighting a losing battle. Relationships are two people, so flexibility is a must and doesn't require changing who you are. If you don't want to compromise, you'll be single forever, and should enjoy the fruits of your decision making.
Don't expect different results with the same approach. And expect little sympathy if all you do is whine and do nothing about it. Very few people, women of all, are going to sympathize with someone they need to baby, especially on a forum where people are highly motivated to change their habits and environment.

From your posts on here it seems like you have nice guy syndrome. If you are taking that into your dating life, I can see why women aren't interested. There is a sense of entitlement. My suggestion would be for you to work on your social issues first without the focus on dating. Women who are not social awkward want someone who is able to hold a conversation in person, not just online. Are you really able to date those women? If you don't work on being social you're going to end up with the same results, which will make you even more bitter.

I want to answer the OP question first. I'm pre-op and even I don't like a lot of food based dates. I always suggest walking. I've gone to parks and trails on dates and have had some really nice conversations. If I didn't like them at least I added a few steps for the day. Outdoor events can also work. I know here there are usually food trucks, so if he is hungry he can get something there. If you are into geeky things there are trivia nights, adult nights at the science museum, conventions, etc.

On to the other conversation: I wish people would realize that no one is obligated to like them, speak to them or return their message. Yes, it is courteous but it is not a requirement of life. I been cursed out, called vile racist names and called fat (the least insult of them all) just because I said I don't think we would be a good fit. Men just can not handle rejection, especially if they think because you're fat you should have no standards. Now, I only reply to the ones I'm interested in. I expect the same. If they don't answer my message I move on. They weren't for me.

There was a period of a year or two right after high school where I went into hermit-mode and the only social interaction I got (not counting MMO games) was from work. This in turn gave me social anxiety where I felt really uncomfortable talking to people and even wound up having a good amount of agoraphobia, especially when I was at the grocery store (as one example, but happened at many busy stores with open spaces) at the checkout, I'd suddenly get this rush of panic and need to get the eff out of there.
This anxiety also works against you when in the situation of possibly finding a partner. People who are worthwhile will generally be attracted to like-minded folks who have: goals in life they're working toward, a strong self-esteem and self-confidence, someone who can function in society. Especially for family-oriented people, they want someone they can be proud of bringing before their family, someone they can share interests with and don't need to worry about babysitting them to be comfortable in every situation.
The vast majority of women look for traits in a guy that cater to how society has always been and will always be -- partiarchal. Women have a desire to have their input and feelings recognized, but in the end, they want a strong-minded male who will take the lead. Many won't admit this, especially those who get triggered easily, but it's life.
As far as your issue and your concerns go. there is only one solution, one avenue to pursue in this this, which is place yourself in more social situations, uncomfortable as it may be. Catering to this anxiety and/or phobia, or just complaining about it and expecting different results, won't improve things in the slightest.. it can only make it worse.
So much like depression, one has to treat it like life and death, it's not something that will resolve itself.

I agree with OutsideMatchInside - I've had too many similar experiences where I've tried the "thanks but no thanks" responses and just get abused, so I just stopped responding when I'm not interested. I used to feel bad about not responding, but too many of them would come back if I wouldn't respond within even a day or two - before I even had a chance to respond at all, and start up with the garbage. Who needs it? Dating can be dangerous. I won't even leave a drink on a bar with someone I barely know to go to the bathroom. I either finish it before I leave or take it with me to the bathroom (gross, but safer than a roofie).
Regarding the OP's topic, I've been pretty up front about the surgery. I find the men to be fairly interested in a respectful way.
Digressing...I did figure out that I started dating too early and pulled back for a while (I'm only 11 months out now, tried dating months 3-6). My top three stories are (1) a man who I think has always lived with his parents and was pushing 50, told me I was his last chance; (2) another man who I had a wonderful conversation with confessed that he was actually communicating with me on a contraband cell phone...from prison. He said he's since turned his life around and would get out in about 5 years. Yeah...I looked him up. He was in for murder, and while he was in, 7 years ago he committed another murder. NO THANK YOU. (3) Another man, who was very nice, was going the complete opposite direction with his health that I am, and unfortunately had the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. I found that out when I told him I felt like he was pressuring me by texting me in the middle of the day (and he knew I wasn't having a good day) asking if I would kiss him the next time we went out. He got very upset and I never heard from him again. I went out with #1 and #3 once each. I also had a couple of dates with other nice men but it just didn't work out. I'm now dating a man who I met through the same website, who I consider a "leftover." I had shut the profile down but he stayed in touch (he had my email) and was very assertive in wanting to meet. I finally agreed, and we're now having a good time. He's not going to be my long-term man - in fact, he's told me that he's not going to fall in love with me and I'm not going to fall in love with him. Then he kept bringing it up almost in the same breath as some heavy duty flirting. I finally told him that by him saying that so frequently, I felt like he was telling me that I wasn't good enough for him, and I KNEW that wasn't true. I told him that I looked at him as possibly a long term friend, and just a guy that was getting me back in the saddle. We were on the phone, and I actually took the phone away from my ear and looked at it like, "Holy crap, did I just say that out loud into the phone??!" I was kind of proud of myself. I feel like as a fat woman I was treated so disrespectfully for so long, and I won't do it as a physically thin woman now. I think he was taken aback, but he told me last night that he really respected me for speaking up, and he was sorry for not picking up on how that would make me feel. It's kind of amazing how not burying my emotions anymore is working out for me.
I realize after reading this back that I've REALLY digressed quite a bit from the OP's topic, and I apologize. Dating is so...interesting, right?
Regarding food, every date we've gone on has involved food in some way. Last Sunday we've added going to the beach and some art galleries, and this Sunday he wants to cook me an omelette (??) and then do the art gallery thing again.
russdroppings posted a lot of great ideas, and I've taken note. I especially like the zoo, museum, and karaoke ideas. I also want to add horseback riding in there somewhere. I think the last time I got on a horse I was a toddler at the pony rides!
PS - there's also the guy that asked me for $2K to be sent to South Africa because equipment at a geology job he was working on busted and he didn't have the access to his accounts in the US...

Maybe not a first date but more like a third date....escape room. I flippin love escape rooms. It is a problem solving situation and it can really show a lot about how a person thinks and how they work under pressure.

Sent from my SM-G900T using BariatricPal mobile app

I've never really dated anyone (I'm kind of awkward and out in SoCal I just kind of have always been the funny fat girl) but I do go out and hang with my friends in non food situations!!! What about an outside activity like the beach or hiking, or like museums or aquariums? Or even like a theatre play? Those are always fun c:

SW: 328
CW: 261
GW: 150
Surgery date: January 12, 2017

Dude, don't date a packers fan. You are better than that.

I got a cat so I'm good. Ironically my dates with the cat revolve around food. He only seems to come out of the woodwork when I have food.

Made my first mini goal of reaching 208 lbs, have to share a quick split screen!
(Disclaimer: this happens to be a fabulous angle and I'm wearing the hell out of some industrial strength Spanx)

Thank you! I never said it was a secret I was carrying to the grave, just that I'm not giving that info out on the first few dates. Once we are in a legit relationship, then I will be honest about my "diet."
God I miss Chicago. I grew up there, now I live at the beach, which is its own heaven on earth, but in a different way. Definitely no $5-10 improv shows (or at least- no good ones.) We do get great live music out here though. I do frequent those!

Made my first mini goal of reaching 208 lbs, have to share a quick split screen!
(Disclaimer: this happens to be a fabulous angle and I'm wearing the hell out of some industrial strength Spanx)

No, I'm totally digging the discussion. Carry on.

No, I'm totally digging the discussion. Carry on.

Fun date ideas.. I second the mini-golf idea, OP. But if you want to have just as much fun, rent a driver and go to a driving range. It's fun just whacking the ball everywhere, and since golf isn't so strength reliant (as it is form), it's an easy thing to learn.
Movies are a good one. Especially if you have some type of card that gives rewards. Every single movie my wife and I go to are free due to better utilization of CC rewards.
Beaches are always fun as well, provided you have the weather for it. It was always fun spending much of my life in NorCal being on a beach and watching some tourist happily sprint toward the (ocean) Water thinking "ITS SUNNY CALIFORNIA TIME TO DIVE INTO SOME WARM WATER", they jump in and then fly like lightning back onto the sand as it's way too cold and need a bodysuit to enjoy it.
I always had a thing for concerts (heavy metal), sports venues (hockey, American football, Association football/soccer), and sports bars/entertainment venues like Dave and Busters.
Theme parks are good too, but given how overweight many of us are, it's generally not a good idea until we get the weight down. I had my first embarrassing theme park moment being too fat for a ride when I visited Cedar Point in 2016. Was not cool.
If sightseeing is your thing, there's plenty of stuff around the country to see. Now is prime season in Alberta (Canada) to visit Banff National Park. The snow season is cool too for skiing/boarding, but you can do that pretty much anywhere.
Can also invest the time and money into protecting yourselves (enjoying your second amendment rights) and buy a gun/sign up for a range.
There's so many things I've done and can think of doing more of that isn't eating..

Then again- women have to deal with things like date rape, getting roofeed, serial murderers ,cat calls, bikini waxes, underwire bras, menstrual flow, control top panties, having assholes try and grope them on a date, jerks that "forget"Their wallet, being hit on in disgusting ways, cheating husbands, etc etc etc. So. I'd say it's about even. It's a war out there baby cakes.

I started dating 6 months post op. I wish it could have been sooner but I was still really sick with complications. Sex after WLS was the best moment imaginable. Yasssssssssss girl. Hey now.

Absolutely.
Revealing too much on the first few dates is not a great idea. For one thing, you don't even know if you are interested in them. Then some ****** is going around with private information about you. Wait until the relationship deserves that kind of personal information investment. It can also be overwhelming for people to know too much too soon. Get to know each other without all the past there hanging over everything.
Not to mention all the dung brains out there who don't know anything about this surgery or what it's like to struggle with weight. You cannot just trust everyone.
Get to know someone and go slow. Reveal as deserved and desired. In dating, go slow.
Plus, when I date a guy I want to know if he is s superficial a*****e. I've had so many guys start talking trash on over weight women in front of me now that I am thin. I hate that and it helps me see their true colors of they do it, assuming I've always been thin. Jerks.

Sushi is a f**king b***h to eat. Rice- no!!! Ahhh. I always end up puking. So if I have to do sushi on a date I do miso Soup, a small salad, and tempura.

You'll figure out things that work after awhile. I don't blame you for wanting your privacy. It's a very private thing to reveal. I went through a time I told everyone but now I don't elk anyone. I like that better. People don't deserve to know everything about me right away.

I don't understand the mentality that you have to be completely open about your surgery on the first couple dates/early in a relationship lol... there's plenty of other ways to explain dietary restrictions without putting everything out there. it's a sensitive/vulnerable topic. honestly, i'm a bit over 7 months into my relationship (9 months post-op) and he doesn't know and probably never will. it isn't a necessity for him to know. a few people got mad at me for posting a thread here where i was feeling a bit upset that he got me chocolates for vday after i asked him not to but the thing is that that's an inconsiderate thing to do just knowing i'm on a diet and have digestive issues, he didn't need to know i had WLS to know better, you know? it's your business who you share it with. i'd explain that you're on a diet and maybe elaborate that you have a hard time digesting certain foods if you want a more solid reason but if they're worth the time they'll be able to respect that you're choosing to eat a certain way.
i don't know what the nightlife scene is like by you and what's accessible but i live inside chicago city limits so generally i like going to cheap shows on dates--there's always cheap improv shows or local bands for $5-$10. if we do get food i make sure i have suggestions in mind for places i can actually eat. bars seem to work ok as well once you're a bit further post-op, if you get 1 drink and drink it slowly over the course of the date.