ShadowCub67

True enough. But I've been the "new kid on the block" in enough different situations to recognize the pattern of the newest people to seemingly ALL make the same mistake, do the same thing, etc. before becoming more familiar with the setting. I was just extrapolating those experiences to the comment that "Newbies never change." That's all. No offence meant.

I came across this thread in the "Recent Topics" box and have been sitting here for about an hour now reading every single message. If I read what the OP said correctly.... At one point hubby was tested for low-T and started taking Testosterone injections. At that point, he started working out, taking care of himself, etc. and had an affair. When the affair ended, he stopped everything. I assume that includes the injections. Then later the OP mentions that hubby is taking Cialis, but still has no interest in sex. If I read all that correctly, part of the reason he's not interested in sex is because he's back dealing with low-T. Cialis will only help with the physical part of getting and maintaining an erection, but not anything else. So it MAY be the low-T that is keeping him from feeling more romantic. IF he is willing to go back onto testosterone, that may change things in the bedroom. But considering the prior affair, the question would be WHO'S bedroom. But even low-T doesn't excuse him generally treating you like sh*t. My advice is to find a lawyer and a therapist and start talking to both. Feel free to tell him you're going to therapy to work on the things wrong with you.(True statement. One of the things wrong is what lead you to gaining the weight in the first place. Another is why, after the way he's treated you for about 2 decades, you didn't get a divorce a LONG time ago. And if he lashes out about there being things wrong with YOU (taking the focus off himself) ask him to write them down so you can discuss them with your therapist. What you'll ACTUALLY discuss with your therapist is more about why you're still in a relationship where he can be so shallow and self-serving as to try to make himself feel better by tearing you down. At this point, I'd try to avoid taking ANYTHING he says to heart. If you still want to see if the relationship can be saved (by him treating you as an equal, dealing with his own issues, being more emotionally intimate with you, etc.) discuss that with your therapist as well. It might be possible to invite him to one or more of "your" appointments "so your therapist can get an 'unbiased' view of your issues" as a ruse to see if your therapist can crack his shell and start being honest about what's going on inside himself. And you'll also discuss his list(s) with the attorney in preparation for taking your next (legal) step, whether that be a separation (trial or not) or a divorce. You DESERVE the emotional intimacy you crave. And that seems to be what you're really after, in spite of using physical intimacy in your posts as a stand in. I wish you all the best. And I'm sure I'm not the only person here willing to be a shoulder to cry on, let alone trying to provide an outside perspective and, hopefully, "wise" counsel. You've made some wonderful changes to better your life. Don't stop now!

HA! I even found a way around the "no URLs in signatures" restriction on my 42nd try!

I'm sorry that some people seem to have gotten their feelings hurt about the "Newbies never change" comment. Personally, I saw it as humor. The Newbies on the site on any given day are all too similar the the Newbies that were on the site a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, several years ago, etc., they're just not the same individuals each time. As people are on this site for a while, they find the tools, start haunting particular subgroups and so forth.But when they're new, and therefor a Newbie, that haven't had that time yet. So yes, Newbies always seem to have the same questions, fears, and so forth AND they don't yet know how to find the 10,000 other times the same thought, feeling, question was expressed and so post it for the 10,001 time. Same is true most places. New people, because they're new, make the same mistakes that countless new people before them have made. When you've been around for a while it can get frustrating. But I offer this thought from various 12 Step rooms, "It is the newbies, with their fresh fears and pains, that remind us how far we have come and how easily we could go back there." Granted, it takes a bit of work to put a few hundred pounds BACK on after WLS, but it is by no means impossible, or even uncommon. I am starting my 5th or 6th journey towards WLS over the last 10 years. This is the second time with Bariatric Pal on my list of tools. And while I have not done it -yet-, I think I will try to gather a collection of links with answers to some of the more repetitive questions and put them in my signature. And THIS thread will be the first. (Just as soon as I remember how to edit my signature. <blushes>)