Butterfly07

:help:Hi all! I've posted in here quite a bit about my post band weight success as well as my subsequent divorce and battles with the ex. But, I can't take the emotional changes that have occured following the loss. The biggest thing is my kids. They don't understand why I left their father and I refuse to talk badly about their father tothem, and frankly feel even though they are older (18 & 14), it would still be damaging. The ex, however; has no trouble at all in talking badly about me. Also, his income is 5x mine (at the federal poverty level) and he is buying them everything and anything from cars to major vacations. He suddenly is involved in their lives after being emotionally and often physically absent in their lives. I have my daughter (14) every other week, and she is fine with me but very withdrawn most of the time (this isn't new, I assumed it was dealing with the tension in the house during the marriage). Sometimes she is fine. I have taken her to the doctor who checked her out medically & emotionally and she refuses counseling, and the doctor said it wouldn't help to force her to go now. When she is with her dad, she "forgets" to charge her cell phone so it's "dead" and no one answeres the house phone when I try to call. My son (18) lives away at college during the school year but for the summer he is living at his dad's. He says it's because that's where his room is (same house, I couldn't afford), but he won't even come visit me in my apt. He too, never answers my calls or text or e-mails. I've tried sitting him down and talking to him, yelling, crying and about anything else I could think of. What scares me the most is he says that I am just "imagining" things and that he's being the same towards me as he ever was. We were so close, he was nicknames "mini me" and we'd just laugh, talk and play together since he was able to talk, we think alike and could even finish each other's sentences. When he first went off to college he texted me, e-mailed and called almost daily. He says he logically understands the divorce but emotionally wants us to have stayed married & miserable. I even tried not calling hem for a week, but they never called me... As a result, I'm forgetting to eat (since surgery have not experiences hunger), can't dredge up the energy to exercise, which I'd been doing every day for almost 2 years, and just don't care about much. I have been on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist weekly for almost 8 months now. I changed jobs, residences, marital status, and cars (in MAJOR car accident in March) in ONE WEEK. My therapist says that I'm just overcome with all of the losses I've had so quickly. Last two complaints - I work at a school and am off all summer w/o pay, have been applying for anything and everything as a summer/2nd job and everyone wants full time permanent or says I'm over qualified. I have no idea how to pay my bills and am very worried. Also, yesterday my Grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's 89 years old, and the only link I have to my mom, who dies 3 years ago. My dad jets around with his new girlfriend and my sister is a selfish jerk who is angry that I refuse all her requests to loan her money (??). I am blessed by a large network of friends and a wonderful new boyfriend who has been a friend for 7 years and recently became more, but that's complicated too... Anyway, has anyone else experienced this and does anyone have any advice? I need to know U'm not alone and am very scared that I'll lose my kids forever. HELP!:help:

I just got back from a surprise all expenses paid, 3 day mini-vacation with on old (female) friend. She was going to Vegas and invited me along, and I had a WONDERFUL time. I was a total bum, relaxed for 2 days by the pool (forgot sunscreen so got very burned - ugh), read, slept, swam, and for the first time for almost a year was able to really relax and let go. I don't gamble, so didn't lose any money because I didn't hit any gaming at all. Of course on the way home reality hit hard and fast, my Grandmother got the "official" breast cancer diagnosis and of course my father and sister (only living relatives pretty much) are no help, so the burden is all on me of course. I had loaned my son my car while I was gone, and he seemed to appreciate it. He and a group of his friends are going on a road trip next weekend and I said they could borrow my car (the few of them who have cars are too small or run down to make the trip). They will pay for me to have a rental, since they are all 18 or 19 they can't rent one. That seems to have gone a long way with him. Not that I am trying to buy him off, but he said the fact that I would trust him enough to do this said a lot, as well as the fact that I volunteered to do it. I saw my boyfriend this morning, and we have plans to try and get together on monday night. He makes my heart sing. I also went out last week and found a summer job at the local mall, I will work FT starting next week during the summer and evenings and weekends when I go back to my regular job. I feel positive that I'm trying to move ahead and figure out just who this new me is and what her life should be. I know there will be more ups and downs, but with you all and my local friends for support, maybe I can do this after all. You have been so helpful, thanks to my "band of buddies" for helping me. I always welcome words of wisdom or anything you have to say.

Thanks BJean, you give excellent advice. This past weekend was much better, after they came home from their trip with their father, my daughter came to me for the week and ranted about how upset she was that her dad's new girlfriend stayed at the house and watched the animals while they were away. I had no idea, and one of the dogs is my daughter's and she said she would have rather I watched the dog (I gave it to her when it was a puppy years ago), she was upset that she wasn't consulted, upset that "her" things were all over the house, thet "She" had replaced my daughter's CD in ex's car with one of her own and misplaced daughters, and that dad spend so much time on the phone with "her". I encouraged her to talk to her dad about her feelings and she said that she was also upset that he is hiding the relationship and doesn't even know this woman's name. As much as it pained me, I told her that her father may just be trying to do the right thing by not introducing them until the relationship lasts a bit longer, that perhaps he was concerned for daughter's reaction to the new woman in his life. I also said that perhaps it wasn't something that he felt was her business. She said that even though she's 14 she is very intelligent and I agreed, but I said that until you are an adult, sometimes it's hard to see a situtation from the adult's perspective. I encouraged her to keep communication open with him and to let him know if something was bugging her. I said I was thankful she had shared her feelings with me and hoped she would continue to do so. She didn't ask me if I was dating anyone (thankfully), but she did ask me that if I got serious with someone I would tell her, and I said yes, if I became serious w/someone I would let her know. The man I'm dating knows her because we used to work together and she knows him well, but neither of us is ready to go "public" yet, the transition from friends to more is new and we're feeling out way. Also, my son's big group of friends (since 4th grade) wound up coming over my apartment on saturday and so did he, they spent about 5 hrs with me (they always used to hang with me and call me mom). Since they went off to college this year I hadn't seen much of them and they have always been a great group and they have been great during the divorce. My son said he appreciated me having them all over and had a good time. Small steps, but I'm trying to focus on that. I know things are still going to be up and down with them, but I'm heading down to re-enroll in college to finish my degree (on-line classes), interviewing like mad for a summer job (work at a school, no income over summer) and thanks to wonderful friends am being taken on an all expenses paid trip for 3 days this week. How do you all think I handeled everything? Any more suggestions?

THANKS for all of the support and wonderful advice. It does help to hope that someday the kids will see that I am still the mother that was always there for them. I decided last night that I'd give them the space they need (will probably call them once a week) and left them both messages (shocked they didn't answer) saying that I loved them and would be there no matter what, reminded them of my phone number and said they should call me anytime they wanted. It may not have been the best way to do things, but I fear that I am so close to the breaking point if I don't step back I'll plumet down the edge and never recover. This all has hit me so very hard, and no one is looking out for me but me, so guess I'd better start doing a better job. My therapist said I should have better faith in the job I did in raising them and the people they have become and just try and give them the freedom to come back. This is harder than the divorce. I did sit back and look at my perspective last night, because I journaled that these are four letter words: Hope, Love, Need, Care, Want, Feel. Then I realized that it's just a matter of how you look at them, the words can be positive or negative, it's up to me to make them into what I want. I'm trying to hold on to my sanity and re-define who this new me is. I've lost 5lbs this week so far so one priority for me is to remember to eat! Thanks again!

Greetings all! I've been posting under the heading of "wonderkidsmom" for the last year and 1/2, and recently re-named myself butterfly07 to reflect my new beginnings. I'm legally a single woman after almost 22 years of marriage, new job, new apartment, and now...a new man. Because dating again after all those married years is scary and post-lab band dating is too, I thought I'd look for some support here. First off, my new man is actually an old friend and former co-worker. We've been good friends for almost 7 years and recentlly decided to give in to the mutual attraction and start dating. He's wonderful to me and I really think he's close to everything I want in a man, but am hesitant to move forward too fast. Since he knew me pre-band, that's out in the open, but I am also planning to date should anyone ask (no one has). My question is how do those of you who are dating being it up? Everyone notices how little I eat and when I eat with my new guy I just take some off his plate. That probably wouldn't go over so well with a stranger:rolleyes Also, my children are 18 & 14, the 18 year old lives away at college during the school year and is now at his dad's house (our original house) and my 14 year old splits hertimw week to week between us. Because they both know him and I'm not sure just where this is leading, I'm keeping mum about us being more than just friends for now, and things are complicated as he's starting his 2nd divorce and has teenagers too. My relationship with the ex is very troubled, but I'm doing my best to stay on the high ground through everything and focus on the kids and myself. any help about post-band dating, post-divorce dating and life in general is welcome! Thanks!

Hello All! I am formerly Wonderkidsmom, who had that huge thread titled Divorce that detailed my rather bympy journey to my divorce after 22 years of marriage. At the behest of many of you, in recognition of my new life, I've changed my name to reflect my new life. When I was in Scotland last summer, I saw a program on bypass/banding surgery and the surgeon they interviewed said that she views the transformation of sucessfull patients as the same as a caterpilliar (sp?) turning into a butterfly. That struck a major nerve with me, and I've adoped it as my personal symbol. ok, so here's an update on me... I've lost 116 pounds total since my surgery a year and a half ago (need to update my avatar, I know). I was wearing a size 28 pants and now wear a 16.. I'm still hiking, kickboxing, doing step, weights and treadmill and slowly losing. I've been at my new job for 2 weeks now, was so very hard to leave the school where I'd worked for the last 7 years, but this while being new and different is much more relaxed and less stressful. Loving my apartment, had a "Freedom Party" last weekend to Celebrate my newly single status, new job, new apartment, new life really. 30 of my closest female friends came and we just had a wonderful time. Both kids are doing better, in 10 days I'll have a son who is another year closer to completing his college degree, and a daughter who survived a very truamatic freshman year in high school. They both have their good and bad days, but I think they'll weather this storm ok after all. I'm feeling very blessed at the friends, both on the net and in my day to day life that helped literally sometimes keep me alive and get me through the last year of very, very hard times. I can truly say that as I type this I'm happier with myself and my life than I've ever been. That's not to say that there are only smooth waters in my life, my ex-husband is giving me huge problems with my daughter (trying to co-parent with him is fruitless and very agrivatting), him paying me my expenses, him being a jerk and reminding me why I divorced him. Two quick examples, he runs a local hotel, and a few weeks ago as a result of a traffic accident where I got a ticket, I went to driving school to get said ticket dismissed, and they assigned me to his hotel. He was NOT there, but I've known most of his staff for a very long time & I chatted a while with one, and just told her that I found out he'd been dating on Match.com for quite a while, by his own admission as well as my own discovery, that he's very angry with me and how when I had to be rushed to the hospital from work he dumped me in the parking lot without even making sure I was able to get inside ok (heart problem - stress related am fine). Anyway, she called him to say she was going home early, sickened by what she'd heard and he called my & screamed at me, threatened to have me arrested if I ever stepped onto "his" property again. I have about 6 good friends who are local police officers and they all laughed and said not to worry, they probably wouldn't even respond to a call about someone who has legitimate business on the property peacefully going about their business. Second thing, we BOTH still own the house, I was trying to be fair and allow him two years to re-finance the house out of my name & buy me out, but in the meantime, since I am on the loan, I am also on the title. My attorney says to treat it like I was a landlord. I have a right to legally enter the property on rare occasions to check to make sure it's in good shape and no unauthorized changes have been made. I went to get my daughter & her animals this afternoon and transport them to my house, and he literally slammed the door on my (almost hit me) and screamed profanity at me about how much money he had and what a Bi&!h I was and how he'd have me arrested if I went on that property again. He called & screamed the "F" word at me after I left, my daughter began to cry about it so I let his repeated call after that go to voice mail, where he left a messgae humming. UGH! Lastly, I'm sure I'll get lots of feedback on this, but I have begun seeing someone. He's been a friend of mine for over 8 years, and we always found each other attractive and flirted, but we've also worked together that entire time & seen each other through very hard times personally & professionally. We've been angry at each other and made each other laugh, and we're taking it slow, but he makes me realize that all the things I'd wanted from my ex but never received were in fact reasonable for a man to give me. He makes my heart sing and I feel alive again. Anyway, thanks for caring, please feel free to respond, I'll continue to update you from time to time on my life saga. Thanks all! :clap2:

Thanks, I will continue to take the "higher ground". I meant that I cried to my son only about he and I and how it bothered me that he seems to never have "time" for me. And that was only after he asked me why I seemed to think he was avoiding me. He used to call/text me every few days and now he doesn't and doesn't respond to my calls or texts. I will take your advise and not tell him that too, it's just that my children are the only thing I cry about.... Anyone else have feedback? Also, band related, I seem to have more restrictions at lunchtime (wierd?) and seems no matter what I eat I can't hold it down...and am getting bored with my meals any ideas for new foods? Thanks!

Thanks for the support. Tell me, what is your relationship with your father? How should I handle things with my kids. I confess to crying to my son today on the phone and spilling a bit about how hurt I am that he seems to have no time for me and I miss our very close relationship. I have refused to say anything bad about the ex to the kids but it's very hard, makes me feel like I am letting his lies sit out there... I'd appreciate your (any anyone else's) input, I think having had your parents split when you were an adult after a long marriage would help. thanks!

Well, it's the end of the line for my 21 year marriage. This has been a long time in the works, and we've been in counseling for 8 months this time, but in the past off and on for 5 years. The decision to file for divorce is mine, and I am worried about my kids. My oldest is 18 and away at college, and my youngest is 14. My oldest is taking it hard and because I am the one initating, I am the target of his anger. The youngest is taking it much better, with a "it's about time" approach. The oldest does remember all the years of problems and acknowledges that things have been bad for a long time. My husband blames the band and my 88 pound weight loss (have to update my avatar) and says I now think I'm better than him. Not true. I think the band changed me inside as well as out and these problems that have been plaguing our marriage are no longer acceptable to me. It's not that he's a bad guy, just not the guy for me. He knew that I had zero self esteem as a woman and he never helped, in fact he would on a regular basis reinforce the idea that I was lucky he came home every night and no one would ever want me, I was that ugly, unattractive and terrible. As I gained self esteem I realized that just wasn't true. He admits to at least the last 10-15 years being emotionally checked out and now that I'm sexier he wants me. I say you can't do that for someone that long and expect them to love you again. He killed the love in my heart a longtime ago but I believed I was broken, and this was what I should settle for. The hardest thing for me is losing his family, I only have 4 people on my side of the family and I love his big irish bunch. They all seem to think this was easy for me and no one seems to care about the pain i'm in.:phanvan What have your experiences been?

FINAL UPDATE!! 4/10/07 I AM LEGALLY DIVORCED (had been waiting on judge to sign) and in my new digs! Love the apartment!!! He DID pay me the moving expenses & 1st support check as he was to do. I found out that he'd been on match.com dating for quite some time now and he said he was "getting laid" a lot. I asked why it hadn't improved his disposition...petty I know but I couldn't resist! I filed a formal complaint with the HR department at work about all the problems there, will keep you updated on all that. I'm getting a huge "surprise" (someone slipped) going away party at work this thursday after work and they're raising a big wad of cash for me. Some kind soul has also been leaving me treasure hunt hints and daily small gifts for over two weeks now and it totally makes my day. We have almost 200 employees and all but 2 have e-mailed and/or expressed in person how much they hate to see me lwave & will miss me. Makes me feel good. Daughter is back on track and son even came down from college and while he refused to help me move, he did come & check out the apartment and hook up the cable. Small steps I guess. Also, I had to buy a new computer and should have it up and running soon (no internet connection yet am doing this @ work) so hopefully I can post more often. Lastly, have decided that as soon as I get computer running at home, I am changing my name on this board to BUTTERFLY07. The butterfly has come to be my symbol of my transformation... Again, a HUGE thank you to everyone for EVERY BIT OF ADVICE & SUPPORT AND EVEN THE KICKS IN THE BEHIND!! You helped me through. I think I'm gonna make it through and be better than ever! Feedback?

UPDATE: 4/1/07 We are divorced!!! We signed the divorce papers last week. I am moving into my own apartment this Friday. Start my new job the next week. I am very happy. Only bad thing is that the same day that we signed the papers I was coming home from a wonderful dinner with my son and daughter at college and it was pouring rain (an odd occurance for Phoenix) and I was t-boned. My car will be in the shop for another month and the repair costs are $8,000. I got a ticket for technically running the red light (tried to stop but hydroplayend into intersection). Have traffic school in 2 weeks to erase the ticket. Daughter was with me but thankfully aside from some bruses & soreness, we both and the other driver are all fine. Hoping my insurance doesn'y raise my rates or cancel, and that the other driver doesn't sue. Ex-husband has a girlfriend and is gone almost every night from the house from 11pm - 4am. He doesn't believe that I don't care, I really don't. I have asked him to not have the girlfriend over when my daughter is at his place. Also, according to divorce papers he's supposed to pay my first payments and moving expenses today but says that he won't until the court gets wage assignment arranged (takes 60 days) UGH! Wish me luck on this new adventure, I am overwhelmed with all the changes at once but am excited too. Also, I've been asked out on 2 dates. Have declined. Thanks to all for all the wonderful support. I'm thinking of changing my screen mae to reflect this new beginning, any feedback?

UPDATE 3/2/07 Divorce decree is being typed by my attorney, we've come to an agreement. If he holds up his end we should be final in about a month! If not, our court date is 3 weeks away. I've found an apartment and move on April 7th with My daughter. She is improving her grades in school. My son seems to be getting slowly used to the idea of all this. I have a new job within the same company but at a different location with a different boss. I'm sad to leave current job where I've been for 7 years and love everyone, but boss made my life hell. Actually got written up for being "too magnetic"... I did have another episode of A-fib and would up in the hospital a few weeks ago, which made me go to soon to be ex hubby and show him the results (still trying to determine root cause) and we talked for 2 hrs to work things out. Think he was shaken because it ahppened @ my work and they wanted to call 911 but I made them call him instead when they couldn't reach anyone else. The doctor said I literally wouldn't survive allstress I was under. I still have trouble sleeping & eating but hanging in there. Any feedback?

2/5/07 Sorry so long without posting! Have had trouble getting access to a darn computer that I could actually log on to. So much drama I'm not sure where to begin. Seems there is drama nearly every day. I used an existing loan that we'd gotten before I filed for divorce to pay off some credit card debt, transferring the balances to a lower interest rate and helping out debt to income ratio, thinking this would help us both out in the long run, but he's livid. I work at daughter's school and spoke with the cafeteria mgr about applying for low cost lunches based on my income & they approved her for free lunches. Again, he's livid that his daughter has "been put on welfare", but he has not given her any money for lunches. There were several bills that he didn't pay ontime & I had to scramble to get them paid before our credit was adversly affected. Daughter having trouble in school, straight A student always now having 2 failing grades since she went weeks without turning work in, and she's in danger of failing a third. I've spoken to her teachers and her and trying to co-parent with him but he doesn't work with me. I've tried to make an appointment with a counselor for her after twice speaking to her pediatrician & school counselor about this plus her emotional outbursts I have seen (he of course thinks everythings ok). Our court date to address everything is at the end of MARCH (I filed in november for emergency orders), He's given me a settlement proposal that is ok except we're night & day on the money of course. I counter proposed and he said see you in court. This is the date when the judge will also address getting him out of the house. I'm trying hard to keep sane, spending as much time with my daughter as I can, but I leave from around 7-10pm most nights to be away from him. He's saying he's worried I'll leave her home alone @ night (she's 14) but I only leave to escape the stress & tension & work out & be with friends. He's begun to be out overnight from 10p-2 or 3am several nights a week himself. I'm holding on as best I can, sleeping & eating better off & on. Trying hard to take care of me. I saw a bumper sticker in a store tis weekend that said "Every Day Above Ground is a Good Day!" I'm adopting that motto! Input, advice, support? (Still never a PM from that person who slammed me but many supportive ones, thanks) Thanks again for keeping up with me & helping me stay afloat in this ocean of despair.

Hey guys! Just a quick second while logged on at work (bad me!) I am still alive and having trouble getting onto a computer to access the site now that son is back at college & he took his laptop w/him. Lots of dram in the continuing saga, will post this weekend if I get get the computer to work. he finally found out that I filed for temp orders to get him out of the house & pay the bills, these "emergency orders" were requested in November and the hearing date is March 27th. I've been surviving through prayer, exercise (yeah for kickboxing), journaling and my wonderful friends. Thanks to all of you for the PMs, they are wonderful. I can read them through my e-mail. I think I finally replied to everyone. I'll post this weekend aws he is out of town and my daughter and I have the house to ourselves! Thanks to everyone!

Not sure why you can't PM me, several others have been sucessful at this...Feel free to post to me if you continue to have trouble reaching me through Pms.

I have not received any PMs from persistance. I appreciate those of you who have been so kind as to leap to my defense in light of what I do believe was comments not well itended and that did indeed hurt. I also can appreciate that my situtation and sometimes passive response - or lack of - is frustrating to you, as well as my every day local friends. But please believe me that no one is more frustrated than me. I have resolved in this new year to be more proactive and less reactive and so far have been pretty sucessful. I believe firmly that once we have a court date and things begin moving along in the legal system I will regain some sense of control. There are more things developing that are very positive. Will post more when I can. Also, my primary focus has always been the children and their best interest, and taking the high road, but I also have realized that as they will tell you at the beginning of an airplane flight, you can;t help your children with their oxygen if you haven't taken care of yours first. So, please bear with me, your support and even advice I don't like is my lifeline to sanity dueing this most difficult time in my life. Again, thanks to all of you.

Wow. Such anger and resentment to someone just reaching out for compassion. I started this thread because in my view the band and resulting weight loss & self esteem boost are the reasons for me to see what I should have seen & dealt with many years ago. I wanted to see if others had experienced the same thing because of the band. I see that people post things about the president, american idol, overpopulation, friends in crisis, moral dilemias, religion and politics, so why am I being attacked? If you don't want to read the thread, then perhaps the easiest thing to do is to not do it. To those of you who have continued to support me, it means more to me than words can express. Feel free to PM me and I will give you my e-mail address. If people would care to post their opinions on if I should stop posting I'll consider their arguments. I'm just looking for support during the most difficult time in my life. Sometimes it's easier to pour your heart out to people you've never met who are objective. I don't mind people saying things I don't want to hear, I even appreciate a different perspective, but I do NOT appreciate hostility and people being cruel, I live with that enough. There is more drama, and I HAVE filed papers 5 weeks ago to get the court to order changes, I was waiting to post until he found out by being served with court papers. Instead he found the court docket so he knows about the motion for temp orders but not the specifics. No court date yet. We are hoping for late January. This lack of information on the posts was on the advice of my attorney. I continue to post to reach out, I don't care if he sees that, I just didn't post details she advised me to keep private. Hopefully this makes sense to you all now. Thanks again for those who care and have been kind.

:sick a funny note Amid all this heartache & anger, A somewhat funny thing happened to me last night, and before that on christmas day. I got a new pair of pretty clogs with a gift card someone gave me, and they are amazingly comfortable. However, they're a bit lacking in the anti-slip department (couldn't possibly be the user). On christmas day I went to the local video store to rent a few movies I knew no one else would want to see. As I stepped to the glass doors, I slipped on who knows what and did a header into the doors. Thankfully the glass held but I landed hard on my left knee & left shoulder. I have a HUGE bruise on my left kneecap and a very sore neck, and shoulder. The two teen boys working just stared. Then last night when me & the kids were leaving the theater, it was raining and as I stepped of the curb, I went flying yet again and this time landed hard over a sewer grate on my left ankle/leg and my right hand. My right hand is incredibly sore and the palm is very swollen along with all the fingers and I have a large bruise on my PALM as well as my wrist. My ankle is very sore & swollen but no bruising. Several men stopped to help, but my kids were too hysterical wth laughter at my none too graceful flop to help. Thankfully due to the weight loss I was able to make a quick, unassisted, reasonably graceful recovery and get to my feet, but I've been up since 2am with some pain and major hand swelling. I do think it's funny as I have a big history of falling, tripping over those darn specks of dust and carpet that reaches up and grabs me. So this is nothing new. I do have a lot less padding now, it seems I bruise a lot more. I've decided to retire the shoes, at least until I can afford to get some kind of anti slip surface on the soles. Don't think they have anti-klutz surfaces for me, though (smile, wink). Anyway, please excuse any & all typos in this and my previous post. My hand hurts too much to go any more. Have a great day!!

12-29 9am Good Mornng everyone! As usual I've survived the holidays better than I thought I would. I've had some difficulty accessing a secure computer to post. I wound up going to the house of my old college friend's family (the same one who rescued me at Thanksgiving). Since I've known her & most of her family so long and met the others on turkey day, I actually had a great time. I skipped the dinner to allow them family time but still spent a very enjoyable several hours with them. I was however a bit disappointed with my children, as I kept having to call them and they were just too busy to talk, and I'd ask them to please call me back and they'd forget. I try and logically remember that they were just having a good time, bbut a part of me is sad that they didn't take the time to stop and think that mom was alone and would love a quick call from them to say hi. At 18 and 14 is that really asking too much? I haven't expressed this to them but still feel a bit unimportant. I discovered yesterday that my daughter has been instant messaging with people she doesn't actually know, so I immediately deleted all software allowng that, spoke to her and again trying to do the right thing called her father to report what wa going on. To my surprise he was agreeable to sitting down with her as a united parental front and discussing the problem with her. Since I had already purchased tickets to take the kids to a movie, I told him what time we'd be home. After we got home, he went upstairs and talked to her on his own, then simply came down and told me he'd already spoken to her himself and had no reason to talk to her with me. He also gave me the password for the spyware he had installed on the computer and told me it was my job to check on her as he would be only using his laptop and not the family computer. He refused to speak to me anymore, even when I discovered yet another bill he took of the auto pay from the joint account. When I asked why he had spoken to her alone and not together as we discussed he left the room. When he returned I asked what his problem was and he replied that "it" was currently standing in the kitchen talking to him. I placed a call to my attorney yesterday but didn't get a call back, she may be off until after the new year. I have plans to spend new years eve & possibly overnight with a female friend about 3 miles away. What do you think? I'm not sure if the kids have plans, but they son't really seem to want to do anything with me and I feel a bit trapped. They mostly sleep till afternoon then go visit friends or just hang around and want to do nothing I offer. Advise? Also, there are some things I'm not comfortable posting here as I think he still checks these postings, but devilmaykare, Marysue33 and green please PM me and I'll elobrate. All of you, please, I need some advise & support. Thanks and my 2007 be the best year ever for all of us!

12-21 9:45pm Today I received an e-mail from him saying that he's going to be taking the kids to his other sister's in another city, about a 2 hr drive away for sunday & monday and bring them back tuesday afternoon. I just am so angry. My whold point of denying them going to another state was so they could enjoy the holiday with their father but I could also see them at night. If he's taking them that far away for 2 nights, what's the difference? I checked with the kids and they didn't know this was the plan and when I asked if this was what they wanted to do, they both shrugged. Since they're old enough to understand I did explain why I had hoped they'd stay in the area, but just couldn't bring myself to be the bad guy and say no and they must stay home overnight. I think that's his plan, to put me in the position of being the bad guy if I refuse. I called my lawyer but she may be on vacation, I didn't hear back. I just am very frustrated and feel a bit lonely. Someone please tell me the kids will see through this. because my son is 18 now I am very scared that next year he won't be around for the holidays. Plus, he has applied to be an exchange student in the UK next year so he may not even be in the country. HELP!

12-20 5:30pm Thanks for the great input & advice everyone. After the first time with the joint bank account being emptied by him, I did go and get my own checking and savings at a different bank that he has no access to. Part of what I think is driving him crazy is that after the second time of him using the money from the joint account - which I had only been putting in my 20% for bills - I set up to pay the creditors directly from my account rather than putting the money into the joint account where he has access to it. It was at this point that he declared that he couldn't trust that I was smart enough to figure out 20% and would do whatever he felt he should to protect his credit rating. Not sure what that means, but he doesn't seem to think rationally anyway. He's also accusedme of using the kids as weapons, and I wanted to ask you all your opinion on that. Again, he took the kids out of state for 4 days over thanksgiving which was also our daughter's birthday, took them last weekend to another part of the state for his brother-in-law's college graduation and I've agreed he cold have them for christmas eve & all day christmas day this year, but he wants to take them out of state again and this I have denied. Technically though, he can take them since there is no parenting plan or divorce decree signed by a judge. It will make him look bad in court later down the road, but not now. So my question is, how is it I am the one using the kids as weapons? I must be missing something. I'm a little down at the thought of yet another holiday alone - since my friends will be with their families - but hoping he'll keep them in state so I can see them a bit. I have told the kids that I wanted them to spend the holiday with their dad this year but I didn't want then them out of state. they seemed fine. Feedback? Thanks!

12-19 8pm Ok, here's the latest. Today I checked the (former) joint account to see what bills are due so that I can set up to pay my 20% directly to the creditors from my own bank account and I realized that three of the creditors had been removed form the screen so therefore won't be paid again through that account. They are the same 3 bills that early on 'he' had decided would become my responsibility after the divorce. I consulted with my attorney about this and she advised that we communicate and make sure to pay all househould bills 80/20 as we've been. So tonight I tried talking to him face to face and he informed me that he had decided that for now he would pay the other bills and these three were my sole responsibility. I had continued to pay my 20% of ALL the bills, but on my income can't possibly pay all that. After a rather heated discussion he then informes me that he will likley stop paying the canle/phone/internet (1 bill) and probably anything else that's set up in my name. that's most bills as I was the one who years ago arranged to set things up. I advised him that I'd been paying my 20% of all the bills and he just said 'thanks for the donation'. ARGH!! I just can't wait for this to be over. i really wish we were living in seperate places. I've left my attorney a message telling her this latest concern, and I think I will pay all of the bills I can and pay all the credit cards what I can, I have been keeping a file of receipts for everything I pay for & purchase so hopefully someday in court it'll show I acted in good faith. He mentioned something about going down and changing the bills to his name like electricity & water after I'd been unable to pay them and they were shut off. It seems to me that his plan is to try and ruin the credit of tings in my name. I'm open to advice, suggestions and support. Today was my last day at work for winter break but somehow I don't think it will be as relaxing as it should be for me. As always, thanks for everything, I need all the help in coping I can get.

12-17-06 7:30pm Hi all. Haven't posted in a while as he had blocked this website and for some reason I am still unable to sign on from my home computer so I'm at a friend's house using hers. Things have been pretty much the same, still getting the e-mail flurry sometimes and sometimes not. Mostly every time I try and do the right thing like tell him about something that's happened at school with our daughter (I work at her school), he goes nuts. She has begun to have a real decline in her grades from not studying and not turning in her work. I just don't think that I have to report every conversation that I have with her to him. I do try and keep him informed though. My son came home from college late last week and I threw him a surprise (belated) irthday party which all of his friends and even some of his former teachers came too and he really enjoyed. I've has several long talks with him about things around the house and have vowed to him to try and keep the tension in the house to a minimum. I'm thinking that in a way it's a good thing for him to experience what it's like in the house, since it's mostly been while he's been gone it's probably been a difficult concept for him to get his mind around. I have denied permission for the kids to go out of state for Christmas, and for a while he threatened to take me to court over it, he informed me today that he's not taking them out of state nor me to court. He did tell me that the day he said that he was "done with" me was one of the best days of his life, I thought "mine too". Work is up and down but there have been a few good ones and with the holiday break coming up in a few days I hope to enjoy some time with the kids, if only I had money to do something nice. Comments, advice, suggestions? Merry Christmas to all & thanks as always!

12-8-06 6pm Sorry haven't posted in a while. Things have been lousy and busy at work and I couldn't get on this site. I think he may have restricted this site because a restricted tab would pop up whenever I tried toi access it and I just now looked in the security settings and found that mysteriously this site was the only one that had been blocked so I un-blocked it. He's been up to more of the same. The two most recent things are that last night he e-mailed me that he had "accepted" another offer to go to see his sister in another state with the kids for christmas and i needed to give him written permission to do this by the 15th (where did he get this deadline?) I spoke to both kids and neither expressed a preference either way. I decided that since they just saw these same relatives over thanksgiving, my car can't take the wear & tear of another trip, and I didn't see them over thanksgiving or my daughter's birthday, I will not be giving him permission. I e-mailed him back that tonight. I think it won't go over so well. The other thing is that I drink apricot nectar as a good source of potassium due toi my heart problem last year and they keep diappearing and my daughter says she only drinks one or two, as these are expensive and for my health as opposed to a taste choice, I also asked him to either stop drinking them or replace them. Thoughts? Thanks as usual!

2-3-06 3:30pm Had a wonderful day yesterday, spent most of the day with the kids celebrating my son's birthday, took them out to lunch and spent a few hours at an arts festivel held right by his dorm. Later that night I met up with my old girlfriend and another 3 old friends (we were all little league moms for years together), we ate dinner and spent hours catching up. It did me a world of good. My husband has been ignoring me thank goodness, but playing a couple of juvenile games. He had strewn lots of his junk out on the dresser and while they were gone over thanksgiving, I moved it back into his closet where it had been stored for years. The next day after his return I noticed he moved it back, then I moved it back, then he did. Then I shoved it all to his side of the dresser. Also, he brought back a bag full of small avacados (spell?) and I had eaten a couple of them, when one morning I noticed they had disappeared. I finally found them on top of the frige - a place at barely 5'3" I have troubel reaching. I got them down and put them back on the counter. Next day they were gone again, this time hidden in the cupboard above the fridge. After his stunt of taking my car without asking when he knew I'd be using it that night and not coming home until around 12:30pm, I wonder, What grade do you think he's in? I also realized that last week he did not buy any groceries at all, and this morning he bought just a very few things for himself and a couple of things for our daughter (her favorite fruit, cheese, etc). Considering how much more money he makes than me, this means I have almost no money left after I paid my portion of the household bills and got gas, groceries and paid for her school lunches for the week. He left the house a bit ago to aparently go see our son for his birthday. I'm hoping he stays out a long time. Will keep you guys updated. Wondering what you all think of his behavior. ps - he hasn't returned the car titles even tough I keep asking for them.