Butterfly07

This weekend & today has been so bad I went home sick for the 1st time in 7 years of working there. Workwise it was a terrible time to leave as 4 other key people are out today. I just couldn't stop crying and couldn't handle anything. This weekend he went grocery shopping & labeled everything he bought with his and/or my daughter's name. He then kept up with the nasty e-mails and even cleaned the house, and I started noticing more things missing. I copied my lawyer all of his e-mails and asked her to call me, so far today (monday) at 1:30pm I haven't heard from her. I slept 3 hrs in the last 3 days and tried to just spend time with my daughter. I have thrown up a couple of times, forgotten a few meals, yet the scale says I gained 3 pounds...first time ever for that. I just feel defeated and unable to cope. I have to go to a state mandated parenting class tonight from 5-9:30pm ($40 that I don't have). Tried to sleep when I got home today, slept 1/2 hr and woke up scared (my natural wake up state these days), exhausted, can't sleep, no pills, OTC or perscriptions help. HELP

Well, I'm frustrated. My attorney had to cancel our meeting yesterday because she got into a car accident just before. She didn't return any of my calls today. We rescheduled for wednesday afternoon. Also today, I got a e-mail from my husband who seemed scared, told me he'd had a long talk with his attorney yesterday and that he had been advised to be prepared to receive a temporary restraining order to get out of the house until the divorce was settled. Stupidly, I answered that wasn't an immediate option, but it was something my attorney wanted to pursue if he continued with his current behavior. I said we needed to be cordial to each other. He also said he'd been to the counselor and realized he had been approaching things all wrong and was in a much better place. I actually felt bad for him. Somhow something about that sent him over the edge and later I got a nasty e-mail saying that if I try to get him out of the house he would withdraw his settlement offer *good except for the money of course* and I should "take my best shot" at getting him out. I am disheartened and feel like this will never end. Also, I know that I should cut my attorney some slack, but I really did have a lot of questions I was hoping to get answered. I hat ebeing in limbo and not knowing what happens next. Last thing, he was supposed to take our daughter out of town for the weekend for a function with his family, and he said he changed his mind. I was really hoping to sleep in my real bed and take a long bath in my bathtub (huge roman thing) and exhale for a weekend for a change. UGH!!!

I am seeing my lawyer tomorrow (thursday) at 3pm, can't wait. My lawyer is wonderful, kind enough to give me her cell #, so I did leave her a message last night to let her know the latest. I also plan to call her this morning to try and connect about seeing what I can do about getting him out, but am not sure there is anything. The ironic thing is that he runs a hotel nearby and has the ability to live there for free. This is a very bad situation. He's taking my daughter out of town this weekend (not out of state) for a family birthday party, I plan to use the 24 hrs to pack up any & all of my treasured belongings and move them to a friend's storage unit for safekeeping. I also plan to sleep in my real bed, bathe in my big bathtub, watch my own bedroon tv, and (for the first time in many months) relax and enjoy being in my own home. Maybe I can exhale! Anyone know the best way for me to keep my sanity and not have palpatitations during this? My ability to cope/handle this is running a bit low.

Update... Tonight after a very stressful day at work, I came home to look for a pair of workout pants in the master bedroom closet before my workout. I had moved into my son's room a while ago, but while he's away at college he has left most of his stuff there, so there's not much room in his closet. Anyway, I hadn't been in there in a few days and I discovered that my husband had packed up all my things in the closet into brand new u-haul boxes & sealed them. I also found several shoe boxes where I have stored stuff like letters, the kids first pairs of shoes, old mother's day cards, letters from him when we started dating, etc were empty and in a pile of trash. Now, the u-haul boxes were sealed so I can't say for sure what has been thrown away, hidden, etc, but I am outraged. This is MY STUFF, and I feel he has no right to touch it/move it/sort it/pack it. I had to get to exercise class so I left. When I came home (oddly he had left my dinner warming in the oven) he refused to speak to me or look at me and when I said he had no right, he just turned away and walked upstairs. He then came back down and gave me the empty shoe boxes saying that was all he had in the garbage pile. I tried to impress on him that he had no right to touch anything of mine, and he just ignored me and went to lock himself in the bedroom again. I did call my attorney and leave her a message about what he had done, I also called one of my local police friends and left her a message as well asking if there is anything I can do to prevent this kind of behavior. Best case scenario, I move out mid-to end December if we can resolve the divorce quickly, worst case is it's 6-9 months or more. So why the heck is he packing my stuff up now? Advice/insight? As always, a million thanks for all the support.

MarySue33, Congratulatons on your surgery! How are you feeling? I hope you recover well & quickly. Disneyland dad continues..last night he took our daughter (14 next month) to dinner at Black Angus, this saturday he's taking her to dinner at his mother's, next wekend down to tucson for a family birthday party, then the 26th a party for his birthday (I threw those every year before). I work at her school so we spend every weekday to & from together, and I continue to do as much with her as always. In fact tomorrow I am taking her to visit her brother in college as she hasn't seen him since memorial day when he came home last. He has been better, still a bit reserved with me but calls/texts/e-mails me more like he used to. I am hopeful that my continued presence with no pressure is helping him accept this and see that I'm still the mother who loves him. I bought a notebook to start documenting everything, but I have a question for everyone...how do I prove all the years that I begged him to do something with her and he didn't? Do I just write a kind of report detailing things like that and things I did with her? Because she's older there's nothing like day care sign-in/out sheets etc? And, to be fair he did come to most sports/school activities. it was ,more the weekend involvement that he was lacking in. I won't say he was a bad dad cause he wasn't just not very active. Also, if he does return to his more normal pattern, how do I help her with that? Won't that make her feel like the sudden interest in her, since fading was somehow something she did? I have been so careful to keep insiting to both kids that this divorce is nothing to do with them but just two people who grew apart. But even though she's a teen, I can't help but think the draw back of his time when it happens will hurt. I have had her talk to a counselor and a trusted non-relative adult (female) who talks to her weekly and takes her out. I have said to them both that I don't want to know what they discuss (unless she shows signs of self destructive behavior type stuff), it's just important that she has an adult she can trust to bounce her thoughts/feelings off. Feedback/encouragement always welcome. Last thing, I am so mentaly, emotionally & physically exhausted (I do still work out daily) I try to keep my spirits up, but this week I have changed emotional tracts hourly. and sometimes see all the bad instead of the good. Also, the stress has me throwing up way too many times so now I don't eat much and keep down less, anyone have this experience?

Here's today's latest: My grandmother turned 89 today (my mom passed away 3 years ago and me & my sister are her only family), and he called her up to say happy birthday but then managed to start crying on her shoulder about how he doesn't want the divorce and I am tearing him and the family apart. She wa reallyupset and crying - at her age she just doesn't understand divorce - and she was upset by him crying, she's used to men being strong. She called my best friend of 18 years after he hung up with her and my friend called me. I am livid that he'd do that toan old woman in frail health on her birthday. When I confronted him about it he said they'd had a "good talk" ARGH!!!! My lawyer called for a few minutes this afternoon and we'll meet next week. Would love any support/words of wisdom. Thanks!

Well, here's the latest. Now he says he doesn't like the wording on the custody section of my divorce filing. It says that we would have "joint legal custody" with "the mother having primary physical custody". He says that since he is trying to keep the house and we've lived in this house 1 year and 1 day, this is her primary residence. And he should eb the one with Primary physical custody. I am apalled. Until I filed for divorce and he suddenly became "disneyland dad", he rarely could be bothered to do anything with my daughter (som lives away at college) and I used to beg him to do something with her. Now suddenly he is very active with her and does lots of stuff with her. Before I was the parent who took her places, did things with her, took her to the doctor/dentist, friends houses, sporting events, etc. This seems to me like I had given up my daughter and left her. I will not allow this. My lawyer is on vacatin through tomorrow night but I have left her a message about this. Anyone have any words of advice/comfort? I am so mad I can't see straight!

Thanks to all of you for the excellent advice. My best friend has also been advising me to document everything and I have been reluctant but not anymore. I am also blessed that 3 of my good friends are local police officers whom I have known for years so I've been telling them everything, because if they need to testify in court they can. Plus, I have all of them on speed dial on my cell phone should that need arise. Everytime I thnk about giving in to get it over with, all of you are right there to support me through this and help my resolve. Between you all and my local friends, I am truly blessed. My favorite all time movie is the Wizard of Oz and my life motto is a quote, from when the wizard gives the Tinman his heart, he says "A heart is not judged by how much YOU love, but by how much you are loved by OTHERS". I feel very loved. My deepest gratitude to all of you. I will continue to post the saga of my life and request support if that's all right.

This morning my husband and I got into an argument (I served him the divorce papers yesterday) and he was so hostile! He said what did I expect when all through our marriage I was this overweight, unattractive, unhappy person. How could I have expected him to love me or feel anything for me? He also called me money hungry with dollar signs in my eyes because I won't agree to the small amount of money he is proposing to give me eachmonth (he makes 30k per year more than I do, I am at the federal poverty level on my income alone). I just want enough to afford an apartment & basic cost of living bills. In AZ to get an apartment you must have income 3x the monthly rent to be accepted. There is a specific figure I need from him for that and it's the very low end of the "guidelines" the state would award me, that's what I am asking for. He wants to keep the house and have me sign over all rights to the house. In the bad housing market, we would actually lose money if we sold and houses are taking 6+ months to sell in my area. He wants to assume most of the debt which would be great for me but I still will need to get a second job over the summer (I work at a school) and I still need enough income each month to meet the monthly bills. Then he took off again in my car, informing me that he had taken the title to the car over a month ago and had it at his office. Then - get this - he said he was hostile because he loved me (since when?) and was in pain because I was tearing his family apart. Someone please tell me I'm not crazy.

I think shaunaruder hit it on the head that somehow my being void of self esteem empowered him, and that it's not fair for him to try and check in now after at least 15 years of being checked out. Nothing happened today, he came home & we both went about our separate business. I went to the gym for 2 hrs and worked out then got gas in my car (used a joint credit card) & came home to watch TV & go to bed. Tomorrow the divorce papers are supposed to come in the mail and he said that he would accept service which means that he takes a form to the bank to be notarized and return it to my lawyer. If he doesn't, I have to hire a process server to serve him at work. I have kept calling my son at college every day and having daily talks with my daughter as well and I have taken your advise and repeating to them that this is not in any way having anything to do with them. I even told them both that this is not their burden, that their burden is to be good human beings, students and have fun in life. I also told them both that they have the right to say to myself or their father that they don't want to hear it if something is said that makes them in any way uncomfortable. My son seems a bit more like his old self, and I have told them both that the bottom line is that I'll allways be there for them and no matter what their mother and father will always love them very much. The support and comfort from all of you continues to keep me afloat, please acceot my depest thanks!

Thanks to everyone for the continued support. Hearing from people who have been through this and come out on the other side is very helpful. Last night he asked if my attorney had filed the papers and when I said yes, he stormed out (in my car not his) and disappeared for over 8 hrs without a word to my daughter. She called him before she went to bed and he would only say he was "out" and would be back "sometime". Nice dad! I don't really care what he was doing or where he went but can't figure out why he took my car. Both cars are in bothour names so I have /had no legal recourse, and he has his key to mine and I his but my car is the newer, nicer of the two. All the feelings I could muster was about hoping he didn't damage my car or use much gas as I don't have the money to fill it till payday - he doesn't put his paychjeck into the account anymore and took out all the money except to pay two bills. I can't even muster up anger, just nothing. Thanks for listening.

Siestaqh & Mary Sue 33, Thank you seems inadequate to express how much your comments mean to me. I do at times question if I am doing the right thing, but in the next second I am sure of it. Your comments also help me to realize that I am not a bad person for wanting to be happy. Hearing from people who have divorced after any number of years but especially after the same or more than I was helps as well. My father and I didn't speak this last year (long story) but we recently reconciled and he has been one of my most supportive allies. He said it best when he said that I had a right to find happiness and that life was too short to be miserable. That's the core of what I've been thinking for the last 6 months, see my mother died suddenly 3 years ago and was healthy at my age (41). Between her death and the surgery, it's really made me realize that no one knows how many years they have left on this earth and I don't want to spend the remining ones; however long that is, as unhappily as I did the last 15. I remember reading something once (author forgotten, maybe some here knows) that said when describing looking at a headstone that your life gets boiled down to a few words describing your relationships to others, name and birth and death dates. These dates are separated by a dash, and the author stated it's the "dash years" that are what is important. I'm determined to live a happy, healthy life during whatever dash years I have left. Again, your continued support, encouragement and sharing of stories means more than I can express. I am humbled. Thank you all for posting.

Thank you a million times over for the wonderful encouragement & support from all of you who have posted replies. I really needed it. My youngest is a girl, (in response to "tired old man's question). She has been around us a lot more (before my son went to college he was so busy with school/sports/firends he was rarely home and when he was my husband wasn't) and I think had a better sense of what things were like, although my son is the sensitive one, if that makes sense. I signed the papers today for filing for divorce on Tuesday, it was not easy. I have been crying on and off all day, which is not like me. I am crying for the loss of what I wished for my marriage and what isn't. I do feel in my heart that this is the right thing. I have had multiple talks with the kids, who although older and protesting they know, still I believe need to hear that it's not their fault and doesn't relate to them. I have and will never stoop to staying anything bad about my husband to them or within their earshot, bt my son and husband himself have admitted that he has done that about me. I'm grateful for people like you on this board and my amazing friends. Please know that you truly touched someone's heart today.

I too am never hungry. The 19th of this month will be my one year bandaversary and I can say that since surgery I have not experienced hunger. When thin people would say they "forgot" to eat I would think that it was a pile of you know what. Now it's me saying that. I think it's such a blessing because the proper foods and portion control are easier when I don't ever crave anything. I can look a a table of my favorite foods and smell them and say that looks nice without ever actually having the need to eat them. And three bites truly does satisfy me. I'm glad to see this is other's experience too, was beginning to think I was a freak.

Joy, I am so sorry for your pain. It seems my 21 year marriage has reached the end of the road as well. We have been in counseling for 8 months now and it has not helped. My situation is that the band/weight loss changed me on the inside as well as the outside and things that I though it was not ok to want or deserve (love, affection, tenderness) due to my low self esteem & weight, I now realize are important, even vital. I have always been happy with myself as a mom, friend, worker, etc but never as a woman. Now I am. For the last 10 years he has put me down and been emotionally vacant (he admits this) and pushed me away. Now that I am skinnier and like myself he is suddenly in love with me and attracted to me. I however realized that somewhere in those 10 years I stoped loving him but was so afraid to be alone. I now realize I was alone for all those years anyway. My oldest son just moved away to college and my youngest child is in high school, so hopefuly this will not hurt them too much. I am just wondering if your weight loss affected yours (any anyone elses) relationship? If so, How? Wishing you a healing heart!

I love Big Brother, although this summer while in the UK my whole family got hooked on their version of it. Theirs is much less about playing "the game" and more about the interpersonal interactions. With so few TV channels, and the fact that it's on EVERY night, including a live free feed, it's no wonder. We were watching for the 3 weeks we were there and they had a website with updates posted every few hrs. We watched the entire months of June & July. I do prefer our USA version however; with more strategy & competitions. I think it will be Will & Janelle in the final two with Will all the way (but, somebody please, cut his hair!)

I am at 10 months post-banding and wanted to share my NSVs with all of you. :clap2: In no particular order: 1. I have a noticable jawline & cheeckbones, and only 1 chin. 2. I can sit in any seat now and not be squished in by the sides. 3. I now shop in the misses section for my tops (size Large). 4. I weigh less now than I have for the last 18 years. 5. I can cross my legs! 6. I can sit in a booth in a resturant without my belly hitting the table. 7. My collarbones are visible again. 8. Hubby can reach all the way around me when he hugs me. 9. I am just over 1/2 way to my goal weight (mine, not doctors). 10. I can look down when standing and see my toes! At my first visit to the surgeon my weight was 329. I now am 249.6. My personal goal is 165 or so (doctor says 135). At 5', 3", that was a lot of weight to carry around. I work out 1 1/2 to 2 hrs 5 days a week at the gym and love it. I hope to be at goal weight at my 2 year bandaversary. Thanks for sharing with me.

Congrats! What an amazing thing it is to shop in the "regular" sizes. My NSV story: This weekend I grabbed a t-shirt to wear to the gym and realized it was my son's size large, and IT FIT. I showed my family who all agreed that it accentuated my "feminine" curves and the fact that I now actually have a waist. So, I went to the local mall and shopped in the "misses' section (hadn't shopped there in 17 years and forgot what the section was even called) and bought two size large shirts. Didn't say anything to anyone at work, but got many compliments, 3 from men! I am down to a size 18 pant now, when the day of surgery I was wearing a 26/28. I go on my life dream trip to the UK next month and refuse to shop until the weekend before I go, hoping to have a 16 pant in my wardrobe. Yeah for NSV's!

Things getting rockier here, the loss has changed me inside and out and I have realized that I am worth something and it's ok to want things that have been a problem for us always, but right now we're working on it. Communicatin is a key, hopefully the lock still works! Good luck!

Another AZ bandster here. Banded 9/06 by Dr. Blackstone in Scottsdale. Welcome and good luck!

I am hoping that some of you have insight & advice for me and/or have experienced this problem. I was banded 9/19 and have lost 56 pounds so far. I am dedicated to the gym and go 4-5 times per week for 1-2 hr each session. This exercise is NOT new, I did the same before surgery. Now, people who I work with every day for the last 5 years, men and women, most of whom have no idea what I have done, have complemented me on how good I look and how much weight I have obviously lost. This is also true of people I see who I have not seen in a while. My entire family, however, says they STILL don't notice the loss, and my husband gets very, very angry when I ask if he can tell (yet) or mention a compliment I have received. I think his anger (he actually stormed out of the house once) is not in porportion to the topic. I have told him that it hurts my feelings when he reacts with anger to these things but it hasn't helped. I am now alternatly hurt and angry with him over this. We have been married 21 years and I have always been heavy. Any and all inoput is welcome. Thanks for helping.:help:

I haven't had my period for over 2 months now. Dr said wait and see and if nothing after 3 months go see him. No problems with hair loss or anythings else. Thanks for the info, if this happens to me I will know not to panic. My doc doesn't have much experience with band/bypass pts, so your experience sharing is great. Good luck!

My husband doesn't blame the site, he spends many hours playing games online, I can only be on the internet (any site) when he's at work or asleep (I have chronic insomnia lately). He doesn't notice my weight loss either (56lbs) - see my thread under general discussion - "Spouse's reaction to weight loss" for details. I think they just don't understand how to handle the new, improved "us". Maybe they didn't think it would impact so many things in their life and that it would be just contained to us. Congratulations on your weight loss, you are doing an amazing job, keep up the good work!

I was banded 9/19/05 and 3 months ago stopped having periods, no other problems. I told my GYN at my annual visit and just got a nod. Is it possibly connected to the changes in my body with the weight loss? Am I (gasp) hitting menapause ( I'm the big 4-0), or is it stress? Anyone have this happen?

My family and I are going on my life's dream trip this summer to England and Scotland and while I have been doing exhaustive research on both countries for years, I was wondering if anyone from the UK can give me any hints on things to do/avoid, etc. I also need specific help with how exactly do I get the train from London to Edimburgh, where do I buy the tickets, etc. All tips/helps very much appreciated.