Carol Brower

29/f, I've been overweight for about 8 years now. This past summer I reached my fattest point, but oddly, I also started having sex again after about a decade of not dating at all. Now I've been swinging back and forth with this decision for years. At least 5 years. In 2013 I started looking for a surgeon but backed out because of unnecessary fees and general hassle with my local surgeon/hospital. Now I've found another a bit of distance away, and I'm working on getting my clearances done. the earliest I could get the surgery (sleeve) is in december. But I'm having second thoughts. No one I know is supportive of my decision. Not family, friends, or the men I've been having sex with. I'm afraid of losing my shape, my boobs, my butt, etc. I'm afraid of the loose sagging empty skin. I'm afraid my vagina will look like Larry King's neck. Sometimes I get into a frame of mind that I look ok. This is mostly when I'm looking at myself naked in the mirror up close. But then I have a moment like I did yesterday, after having sex, I went to a friend's house and caught a glimpse of my reflection at a distance in the glass of the back door. And I'm just shocked at how big I am. I'm grossed out. I wonder how I could have allowed myself to even have sex. I wonder how could these men even look at me let alone have sex with me. And I resign myself to the fact that I need to get this done for my own sanity. On top of that, sex has been a real problem. Penetration specifically. My thighs are just too big, and even when the men push my legs back my belly is too big and in the way. I can't get on top, and even when I can I can't even move so it defeats the purpose. I don't know what to do. I'm terrified and confused.

You can't make someone treat you a certain way. All I can do is say no thanks and have nothing while I wait around for a man that doesn't exist.

Well I guess it's an over simplification but in terms of body image and how I relate to men sex and desirability is a big deal for me. I wasn't always fat. I used to be a fox. And it's been torment for me to not be one anymore, if anyone can understand or relate to that. I'm very confident in my mind and intellect but I have absolutely no self esteem when it comes to body issues. This was a problem even when I was attractive. I stopped having sex 11 years ago, before I gained weight, mostly because I was repeatedly used for sex and got fed up. I think part of my weight gain was a defense mechanism -- I didn't want to be leered at anymore. But once it stopped, I realized I needed that sort of attention and not getting it made me depressed and it spiraled out of control. i've been in and out of therapy since age 10. No shrink has been able to "fix" me.

Thanks cheri. It's true, even before I got fat, that I value myself through sex. American upbringing I guess. I know it's wrong but it's deeply seated in me and I can't shake it. VSGAnn: I'm 5'6 and 300 pounds, but most people peg me at around 250.