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Everything posted by Bluesky1
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I don't think I made myself clear. I'm suggesting two thoughts to the OP: 1. You're clearly fragile and he didn't say the things you needed to hear. I'm suggesting that what he actually said/meant might have been different than what you heard. No one knows this but you (certainly not a bunch of strangers on this forum). I've been married 37 years and my wife hears me say things all the time that I don't think I said and certainly didn't intend to convey. 2. Clearly, you don't like what you're hearing him say. Have you told him loud and clear that? Have you told him what you need from him to help you get through this? Women her nuances that guys can't. Guys are thick in this area and need to be set straight. Obviously, if you're certain that he spoke those words and meant to be hurtful and you told him as much and he doesn't give a ****, you need to move on. I'm just saying be sure first... How is he otherwise? Thank you for wanting to be objective. I have told him every way I can...STOP IT! In his mind he thinks he's helping me. He also said he is frustrated that I am not the weight I was just 3 years ago when I met him, and I eat (candy, Cookies, bread) while I've been preparing for this surgery. Unlike many others I had to gain 7 lbs to have surgery. And guess what? I have been enjoying EVERY second of it. I have been on some diet, some plan, over-excercizing and battling not eating "bad food". It has been great to eat what I want. Some people may say that means I'm not ready for this surgery....I think it means I am totally ready for this surgery...because I need it. I have gone up and down all my life. My husband thinks I "cheated the system by gaining the weight...and he feels I should have been eating all healthy these last 9 months. The problem with that is I had to stay at a certain weight to be approved. No gaining..no losing...and I did everything I had to...to be approved. I do understand his frustration. I don't look like I did. I'm also 42, been going through peri-menapaus, and have chronic pain and health issues. And now have been thrown into surgical menopause. Sorry this may TMI...but..I'm trying to paint you a picture. My husband other than being mean and critical about my weight...is funny, hardworking, responsible, handsome, committed to his ministry, a great friend, a good Dad (to my step-daugter), and can be loving towards me. He simply doesn't want a fat wife. He strongly apposes surgery, and told me today...that I will just gain the weight back, and stretch my stomach back out. I hope that doesn't happen. I'm having the surgery. That is not negotiable. So...there you have it.
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I haven't applied for disabilty yet. I plan to apply this week...I've been putting it off, and I've been in pain from surgery. Prayerfully I will be approved. I think it would help me to feel I have some money coming in. Recording him would be great...except in our arguments...I get so hurt and angry, that I have said mean things too. So, no go on that!
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You're words about obedience and submission were spot on. I can relate to you and your marriages. I have actually called the Hotline, and gone to the shelter for a couple of years....I too had the pleasure of meeting a psychopath before my husband. That was horrible. I have called my local shelter when things have been particularly bad and they told me that because he had not been violent than staying there was not an option. Separation may be in the future for us. Right now, I am in so much physical pain and preparing for surgery...that's enough. I'm seeing a counselor, and coming here...and I just pray that I can make it through the upcoming months.
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Thank you for your concern. I am sad to hear you're no longer a believer. It's easy to look at the fallibility of man and lose hope in God. Sometimes I have felt that way too. But, He is perfect...it's us that are broken. It seems a lot of men that I have dated have been abusive, come from abuse, and/or have been fatherless. This makes for a perfect storm, as I too come from a very abusive childhood. Fortunately, my husband is not violent. His words are crushing though. He does not understand the struggle of weight, and truthfully I don't think he ever will.
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I'm grateful for your kind words to me. And for reminding me of my worth. I hope to build some friendships where I live (moved from another state). Have a wonderful night. God bless you.
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Your post was so what I needed to hear. Thank you for reminding me not to engage. I do, then I say things I don't want to say...and it just blows up. Thank you for reminding me of my worth. Being in bed and recovering makes you feel a little useless. I do plan to set a time line once I heal for change counseling. I love my husband. I just don't love being treated this way. He does a lot of things right, good provider, honest, responsible, great friend....it just seems like he's learned some really unhealthy ways to be in our marriage. I'm praying for the both of us. God bless you for your words.
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Hopefully he won't be be this way, but he may. I wish that going to a family member or friends house was an option. I move from another state, my mom lives in a studio apartment, and I don't have any friends here....mainly acquaintances. We may be headed for a divorce, I'm just not there yet. I would want a separation first. Hopefully within a year or so, when I've recovered from all of this....I will see more clearly what to do next.
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I agree that control is abuse. He doesn't think so, of course. He says he wants me to be healthy, in my opinion...if diets continue to fail....if I were him, I would be happy that I'm having the surgery. His complaint, is that he feels that I should follow his diet and exercise plan, and if that didn't work...get the surgery. He has no comprehension of how many diets, exercises, diet pills, 12 Step programs, books I've read....to get thinner and stay thinner...only to be at my heaviest weight. I am also not sure I will have insurance in April, so not having the surgery...is simply not an option. I am also DONE...totally done trying without the surgery. When I met my husband 3 years ago, I was 70 lbs lighter. In his defense, that is a lot of weight. But, I had told him I just lost 50 lbs right before meeting him. I haven't filed for disability yet, I've been anxious, in pain, and nervous to apply. I have all my records, I just need to do it I plan on really doing it this week. My weight has been a battle since I was a teenager. I was thin, but I exercised incessantly, took diet pills, took drugs, tried to throw-up, I did everything I could not to gain weight. And over the years I have gone up and down. My current health issues make it harder to exercise for long periods. But my bigger issue is that I've used food to deal with a lot trauma in my life. I'm a volume eater, with a sugar and carb addiction. My BMI is 35 (I had to gain 7 pounds for the surgery). But, I am the niece, sister, and daughter of morbidly obese people...and I see where this goes if I don't do something drastic. So, I pray to just get through this time. Hopefully things will get better at home when I'm not battling the food, my body, and my husband.
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Thank you for your prayers Sister I will be praying for you too. Thank you for your prayers.
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Thank you for sharing your heart and experience. It's hopeful to know that you've stayed the course. I did tell him I want a divorce, or he can file for divorce. But, the truth is...that isn't what I want. I want to have peace, and feel that who I am is adequate....no matter what I way. The surgery is TOTALLY for me. I wish I had the means or the weight (I wasn't "heavy enough" yet) to do this a long time ago. I'm staying and praying. I hope that things will turn around. I recognize that my illness, pain, and surgeries (back to back) are not easy for him. It doesn't excuse his unkindness, but I see that he's not having an easy time either. Separation may be in our future. But, right now all I can think about is getting past this pain (the hysterectomy surgery has been hard, and I have new pain) and then having the sleeve surgery on Feb. 23rd.
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Your words of wisdom are really appreciated. My husband does believe that his tough love angle should work. It does the opposite, and it adds to my wanting to eat. I am a food addict. I am trying to take responsibility for my food and weight problem by having this surgery. But, his unkindness sure doesn't make it easy. I have tried to ask, beg, threaten, and yell....STOP IT! But, it just leads to more arguing and strife. We had a few days of that. He told me that he's frustrated that I gained all of this weight after we just got married. I don't look the way I did when he met me, and he's never had to go through this with anyone....also, he's angry that I eat, when I want to lose weight. I see how it could be frustrating. It's frustrating to me. I just have to keep my eyes on the prize. He absolutely doesn't want me to have this surgery. He feels I'll just gain the weight back. I realize that he hasn't studied anything about it....and that's his choice. I plan to continue to heal day by day, and have the surgery. Again, thank you for sharing your experience with me.
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Thank you for reminding me of the abuse hoteline. I have called them in the past, and will likely call them again. Separation may be in the picture for me, but not presently. I need to heal from this hysterctomy and have the sleeve surgery. Once my health is in a better place, I will be more capable of making that change if this is still continuing.
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Thank you for your words. You are absolutley right that having emotional turmoil on top of the surgery isn't good. I am in counseling (secular) and I've told him we both need to be. Of course he ignores my requests, or tells me he's busy and he'll get back to me about it. I think (as soon as I'm well enough) I will begin going to a Christian counselor (with or without him). My faith is important to me, and I do love him...it's his meaness around my weight and my looks that I hate. I am totally doing this surgery to be healthy and happier (whether I was married or not). This has been a 25 year battle that I have continued to lose. Since I am in a lot of physiclal pain from surgery, and will soon be in more pain...I will have to live with this for at least a while. I realize I have to get support from elsewhere for this surgery. I'm so afraid that once I have it he will find ways to make things harder for me. So sad...or course he wasn't this horrible when we were dating and engaged...but there were signs. I should have dealt with them then. But, he assured me God had healed some things. Prayerfuly I will find some peace in this. Thanks again for your response.
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Thank you for reminding me of this. It's easy to forget. These words are absolutely perfect. I appreciate your prayers.
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Wow! Thank you all for swift responses. It's good to hear that my feelings are valid, and that this is unacceptable. As far as making him move out...He is the bread winner, I'm disabled and filing for disability, just had a hysterctomy, about to have a sleeve surgery...and I moved in to the house he already owned (and gave up my apartment). So, leaving or having him leave isn't really an option. It is abusive, I know it, and of course he tells me I deserve it. He is very attractive and I think he is embarrassed of me. I am embarrassed of me too. That is why I need this surgery. I need help. I know it. I have been (for the last nine months), doing something about it (classes, weigh-ins, a myriad of tests), and I'm having surgery in 4 weeks, so the badgering is just totally unnecessary. He tells me I'm conning the system because I gained 7 pounds to have this surgery. I sure did! 7 pounds waa not going to rob me of the opportunity to have this surgery. I have gained and lost all my life, and those 7 lbs would have come on organically, as my weight continued to keep going up. I know saying I hate you...is really strong language. It's just hard to not have awful feelings toward someone who is beating you up mentally and shaming you about your body. Lord knows, I beat myself up enough. I don't need reinforcement. Thank you again. It means a lot to know I'm not alone, and I'm so grateful for this website. It is a blessing!
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Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that tonight. ❤️
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Before and after, showing for the 1st time
Bluesky1 replied to smallbird's topic in Weight Loss Surgery Success Stories
Stunning! You are a really beautiful woman! -
What a beautiful bride you are! absolutely stunning congratulations to your family! God bless you
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Wow! Congratulations!
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Husband not supportive
Bluesky1 replied to christina Abdo's topic in Tell Your Weight Loss Surgery Story
It's hard when you don't have the person/person's closest to you behind you. I undertand your resolve though. At some point we have to recognize the need to go forward, and not be swayed by other's opinions. Praying for a great surgery. Keep us posted. God bless -
Husband not supportive
Bluesky1 replied to christina Abdo's topic in Tell Your Weight Loss Surgery Story
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Welcome! I'm pretty much a newbie too. My surgery is scheduled for Feb. 23rd. Maybe yours will be close to that date too.