Twilight

alright ladies. I am here. I'm not going to say a lot but wanted you all to know you are in my thoughts every day. I'm not having a good time of it the last couple of weeks. I've just sorta been falling apart. Nothing that I want to talk about but between kids and marriage and not working, it's all getting the better of me. I'm really struggling and for the most part just don't care that I'm struggling. I've not really been up to fighting it. Anyways, that's mainly why I've been gone. I just couldn't face the encouragement that I know I get here because I knew I wasn't going to listen to it. Warped I know, but how I feel. I don't think it's a meds issue, it's more a mental attitude issue. Winter needs to be over for one thing. I need to open my windows and get out of my house! I'm tired of being cooped up. Anyways. I love all of you and I think of you all daily. Jeff is in Vegas now and Rose is here with me for a few days. We are having a good time but not doing much. She did get me up and walked yesterday so that was a good thing. Now...off to do something...not sure what...but trying to convince myself that it's NOT to eat Cookies. So far I'm winning that battle. Love you!

Drive by post. Therapy in 1/2 hour then into the car for the drive from here to Bozeman. If interested in that drive, google map it and look at the hell I'm going to have to drive. Good news is, I get to have dinner with Michael! Won't be online again until late tonight. Love you ladies. Have a great Thursday! Wish me luck with therapy. We're going to discuss contacting Michael's dad. I've got rolling stomach just thinking about it! ICK!

Going to go get my FIL! I'm so excited. I'm sure he's dying to get out of that hospital bed. Poor man must feel like a caged tiger. I guess the doc came in last night and told him he could go home last night....Dale looked at him like he was nuts and said, I need a LITTLE bit of notice, ya know. So I'm sure he's packed and sitting on his bed like Gump just waiting. Jeff's doing a little more detail work and then we are off. Talk to you later ladies!

Good morning ladies. Nothing much to report but wanted to say hi. Karla, sending you a pm about the quilt. No reason to clutter up here with my questions. I'm going to go buy some try me fabric today at the store here...just wondering a couple things about when I do the actual one. Janet, I keep forgetting to wish you happy birthday! What a putz I am! I'm glad you had a great time! We're both January babies. Didn't know that. Karri, glad the antibiotics are helping. A couple of days and you will be feeling much better I hope. Glad there aren't any horrible side effects yet. Sleep would be nice but if that's as bad as the allergic reaction gets, you can count your blessings I guess. I love that you are breathing a little easier at work these days. You need that. Hope your laptop comes soon. I'd be lost without mine. I forgot, how long is Phyl's cruise? I'm sure she's loving it. I'm so jealous. there was something else but I can't remember what. Oh well. I'll be back. Have a great day ladies!

Hi ladies. Trying to catch back up here. Saturday afternoon I went out to my MIL's house and stayed with her. Jaimi came with me so we had a quiet girls day. I got Michael's quilt top done. Now I need to get batting and work on THAT step. I would like to have it done by Thursday so I can take it to him, but that's pushing it a little I think. I may go out to MIL's again tomorrow and stay with her. I worry about her being out there alone. She's so heavy and if she falls, it could be disasterous if no one is there. She thinks we're being silly but I'd rather not worry. FIL won't get out of the hospital until Thursday at the earliest. He walked about 50 feet today is all. He's very very weak. He finally got to eat something today. Don't know what, but he hasn't eaten since Thursday morning. I know they are giving him IV's but I'm sure it's not the same. Sunday Jeff and I went down to see him. They were giving him a couple units of blood because he was so weak. Amazing that he can get to 76 and never have been in the hospital before. This is really tough for him. Anyways, today I spent a few hours at the daycare so some of the staff could go to the funeral of the woman who was shot last week. I don't remember what I told you guys about that. Anyways, she was my postal lady and one of her daughters was in Michael's class. Jeff had to work and I can't go to a funeral alone, so my presence at the daycare allowed 2 of the staff people to go instead. Tonight I went to do weights. The instructor is a KILLER when it comes to the ab workout at the end. My problem isn't so much my abs...though they aren't great....but I have no back strength in my lower back so when we hold our legs and our hed off the deck, I get charlie horse pains in my incision spot. It's about all I can do to not scream and I feel like the biggest wimp. Frustrating. Tonight's ab workout was HELL! I think we did over 200 reps of different combinations in like 15 minutes. I thought I was going to DIE!!! I didn't do 200....because my back couldn't take it, but I did a BUNCH!!!! I leave Thursday morning to go to Billings to see Michael and then on to a math conference. I'll be on most nights but not Saturday. I'm staying on the ranch with Michael that night. ... or rather in the housing there and Michael will be in his lodge, but there isn't internet access there. Now...Karri! I'm so worried about you. I hope your body handles the infection better this time. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us in the loop. Karla!!! You ROCK. You just keep dropping and I keep gaining. you're going to pass me soon! You should be so proud of yourself. AND... since you are about a foot taller than me, you must be just HOT!!!! You go girl!!! I'm sos excited for you. Keep it up! All this stress and you are still about to stay focused. Great Great Job. Thanks for the info about the quilt. I watched a few of those videos. I never thought about you tubing quilt making. the quilting process makes more sense since I watched them too. I'm going to order some really pretty flannel that I found in a catalog to make that quilt for my pink ribbon quilt raffle this year. They look really easy to do, but have some real class. The videos only had 2 layers though, will 3 make it better? The one in the catalog looked like it had cotton on the front and flannel in the other two layers....but I could be wrong. I'll do it all flannel though. It will be so cool! Probably do a sample one for Jai first though before I attempt the pink ribbon one. Just to make sure I know what I'm doing. Candice, your appointment sounds like a great thing. I think if I were to follow those instructions I would e able to get focused again. My biggest problem is that I can't get any solid protein in. Meat of any kind sticks bigger than life. String cheese is a no go. If I let my kashi sit for a little while it will usually stay. But so I'm never full for more than 1/2 hour or so. Anyways. I can eat apples but most other fruits and veggies stick....grrrr. I had 2 apples today though. It was good. My biggest hurdle is that since I can't eat solid protein Ieat a LOT of junk. I need a HUGE kick in the ass. Jeff's surgery will probably be later in March. He's going to Vegas the end of this month and he doesn't want to be on mushies for that trip. The more I can't eat anything the more he's pushing for a revision. I just don't know where we are going to get the money. I still owe my mom for most of my band surgery. I did talk to her about it and she's not stressed about it, but it's hard to think about another surgery when I haven't even payed this one off yet. Okay...now I'm getting down again. Time for a little bit of r and r gaming and then off to bed. I probably won't be able to pick up a pencil tomorrrow let alone type. My arms are going to be rubber. Love you ladies. Have a good night!!!

quilters help me please. I'm looking for something new to try. I found this quilt that you can buy but think I can make something like it. Do any of you have a pattern or suggestions? Mod Girls Quilt 38 X 38 at TheQuiltedCastle.com

Home. It's been a long couple of days. I'll talk to you about it later. Nothing bad, just tired. Love you ladies.

Good Lord, Give me strength! I need your prayers for strength please! Thursdays just SUCK! Today especially. We had family therapy without Michael today. His 28 day review on Tuesday brought up some things that we needed to discuss without him. It was tough and all the horrible things from last weeks session came to light. I ended the session feeling pretty good, but again I ended up in tears at some point during it. sheesh, I'm such a wimp! On Tuesday in his review something was said about Michael talking about his bio father. I had no idea his status as I haven't heard a peep from him since Michael's 5th birthday. I sort of liked it that way. No...I REALLY liked it that way. But, I figured it was time to bite the bullet so this morning I tracked him down. How can a man suck me in like he does? I'm just SICK about it. He is so manipulative and charismatic and charming. He turns everything around and I hate him for it. In the first 5 minutes of talking he says, "Oh, I was thinking about you last Monday, Happy Birthday." What??????"???? And then he says, "I backed out of Michael's life because you asked me to. I wish I would have known he was having issues. He could have come and lived with me at any time." Yeah!!! And ended up DEAD! I just don't know what to do. I know that he will be this amazing person to Michael. It took me 3 years to break out of his spell and then only because my dad showed up and dragged me out. I don't want Michael sucked in! Anyways. I told the counselor I had contact information and what she thought we should do about it. She said she would bring it up to Michael in therapy and we will see next week during family therapy where that leads. All in all....not a great morning so far. So please, pray for strength for me. I really do need it. Love you ladies. You're the best!

Pretty quiet day today. Jai and I just hung out for most of it. Talked to the insurance case worker about exit strategy. I'm not feeling very confident but I don't think she'll ask for us to bring him home before March. After that, it's anyone's call. Sister in law went back to work and even though they treated her like CRAP when she went in to talk to them, she is returning tomorrow. She's nuts! Her husband is pissed and I'm feeling like a sucker for getting sucked into it. I spent 5 hours yesterday trying to comfort her, look for solutions, letting her vent...and still it meant NOTHING! I just can't believe it. Better luck next time I guess. Have weight lifting at 7. Jeff wants cheap pizza, so I'll have kashi and yogurt with an apple and pb cup for a snack when I get home. food today has been really good. I was going to make stuff for Michael's care package, but decided not to. Yeah me! Hopefully I'll be stronger tomorrow and able to do it without snacking the whole time. I'll check in later ladies. Have a great night!!!

Janet, I feel so torn about your new puppy for you! A boxer? Really? They are SOOOOO much work. They need so much attention. They need so much exercise! I hope Andrew knows what he's gotten himself into. On the other hand. They are the most gorgeous animals. I've always thought they were so very sweet. But, they need too much attention and work so knew it wouldn't be good in our house. I can imagine your struggle. Sorry about the funeral. I avoid them as much as possible. Gotta run. Talk to you later.

Good Lord! There is something seriously wrong with the people in this town! Murder suicide last night. I'm sick. I know this isn't unusual to happen in a lot of towns daily....but in a town this size it just doesn't happen. These are young people. And the woman involved has 2 daughters. One a classmate of Michael's. She was my mail lady. I saw her yesterday and thought, "I really like her." What in the world is wrong with this world? Yes, there will be REASONS given and will make sense, but it just isn't right!

Hi there ladies. My relaxing afternoon didn't happen. Imagine that. Had about 1/2 hour this morning to myself and now just getting back to it. Have to leave in about 15 minutes to pick up kids and dogs. Have to take the big dogs so they can get their toes cut. Sheesh! Got my eyebrows and other stray hairs taken care of. That just SUCKS! But at least you can tell for sure now that I'm female. Came home for Michael's 28 day report. Encouraging on some fronts, discouraging on others. Called the program we are looking at for after and they won't take him until next January at the earliest. Not sure what I'd do with him in the meantime. Afraid that if we discharge him now we will have to make him a ward of the state. If THAT happens, God help me. His caseworker from the insurance company called to visit while I was making other arrangements so I don't know what she wanted. I think she's going to start pushing for his release soon. I'm hoping we can get through March at least. I think they will make a case for easing transition. If we had more services in this area I think it would be a harder sell. We will see. I'm not going to stress about it until it comes to pass. So after all of that my sister-in-law comes over in tears because she walked out of her job because it was so horrible! This is the same SIL that won't come for dinner at my house, won't invite us to her house, and at Thanksgiving was HORRIBLE to me. So she comes HERE for comforting. Really? Are you kidding me? So she spent the entire afternoon with me trying to comfort her. I just don't get it! Anyways, that's my crazy day. I'll be back later tonight. Going to look into that Beck audio tonight. I think it would be a great thing to listen to. Oh...and I called and left a message with my therapist to book another appointment. I'm going NUTS! I swear it. Okay...gotta get on the road. Later ladies! Love you! You are really my last bastion of sanity!

Karla, don't you DARE feel guilty about not wanting your mom to live with you! Was she a loving, giving, nurturing woman? Has she ever been? Would you want her for a room mate if she wasn't your mother? Is there any way you would let a complete stranger with the same personality move in? You are beginning to heal yourself. The last thing you need is someone coming in and dragging you back to that place. I'm so sorry your dad is doing so poorly, but don't let that cloud your honesty about your mom! I know that is harsh, but the hurt in your eyes when you talk about your mom just breaks my heart. It is all right there on the surface. Your life means more than that. Janet, which book did you get? I see a workbook and then a couple of others. I see an audiobook but it's abridged so I don't know. I thought I would look and see what they have on itunes. Went to weight lifting. Felt good. I'm going to hurt! Lord help me! Made me really want to put more effort into getting some exercise back into my daily routine. It just makes me feel powerful. I don't feel powerful most of the time...but when I'm working out, I do. I need to make that a priority. Okay...gotta go. I'm beat. Have to take Nick to school, Jai to daycare, dogs to the groomer, have my facial hair pulled, and michael's monthly review all tomorrow morning. Maybe not a big thing except the groomer is 15 miles out of town on some hairy roads. Lots to do in the morning, nothing to do in the afternoon. Imagine that. Okay. Night ladies. Love you!!

My doc, before the band, was trying to tell me that if I just ate 100 less cals a day that I would lose a pound a month and that would be a nice easy loss....all I could think was, "I'd be dieting for 5 years before I lost 60 pounds. Are you nuts!!!" But when you look at it the other way, eating 100 extra cals a day .... that's scary!

Quick update, just wanted to let you all know. I got a FB chat earlier from a lady here in town. I know her a little, but not a lot. She wanted to encourage me to start the weight training jumpstart class that's starting tonight. It will be MWF @ 7 for the next 2 weeks. She said there will be about 6 women. Made me feel good that she thought to invite me. As I've said before, I'm pretty low key here in town, but she thought of me. Next, for those of you who like spanx... A couple of weeks ago on QVC there was a TSV on a different company's shaper. Anyways, I LOVE my spanx but they are pricy and I have 2 that I need to get smaller to get back into already. I also was looking for one with a prettier neckline for under my cardigans. Anyways...these were only $30 each. Now I am at the high side of medium again but refused to buy the large. They are a little tight to get on, but I absolutely LOVE them. Just thought I would let you all know about them if you're looking for something to supplement your spanx. I would NEVER give up my spanx. The material though....to die for! Anyways, this is the link Kathleen Kirkwood Heavenly Touch Shaping Tummy Tube Camisole - QVC.com Some of the reviews sound like they got something very odd in the mail. I don't know....but I LOVE mine. Okay. Those two things....now I'm off to get stuff done. Love you ladies!

Alright ladies! As usual, yesterday's post was all about ME! Now I want to talk about YOU! Phyl, did you find anything WONDERFUL in Mexico? I don't remember hearing. When do you go on your cruise and where are you going/leaving from? Jeff and I are talking about doing a cruise next year after the 3-day from San Diego. Spending Thanksgiving indulging ourselves. Do you have any good cruising tips? I really worry about looking like a doofus. I saw on FB where Earl was going to go enjoy his RC's. He was going through withdrawls it sounded like. Wasn't he driving you nuts? LOL Janet, I'll have to check out this "beck solution". I have a book called something like the 7 habits of successful WLS patients. I'm thinking maybe Jeff and I should start looking at it. I've really got to get back on track. I can't believe how far I've slid. As for your nephew, since beating him is out of the question, how about tarring him and feathering him with his damned bird's feathers? Or tar and roll him in bird seed? That would just gravel me. You're much too good! Karri, 2 20-hour days and you are calling yourself old? No one...even 18 year olds....could do what you are doing without exhaustion. I'm glad that at least part of that was having fun. I really think it is awesome that you are part of this game group. It is so good for you to take that time for you. You always sound so happy after you've gone and played...even if you are exhausted. I wish there was something like that around here. I've thought about doing something like that, but it's not going to happen in this world. Candice and Karla, thanks for the quilting suggestions. I'll see if I'm up to it. It makes me nervous. Now just one question....Karla, it sounded like I shouldn't have bound it yet. Is that right? I have it all put together. The batting is attached along each side where it was bound so it won't move. Did we screw up? Okay....gonna run. I'll be back. Snowed in.

This therapist just knows how to push my buttons and without being able to see me, she doesn't know my buttons have been pushed. I have spent a LONG time perfecting that "normal" voice. She knew I was upset but had no idea how badly. Each day is better, and she did say, "When this gets messy is when we are making progress." As for the quilt, jelly roll???? Got me

Hi ladies. Long time no chat. This is probably going to be long. I've gotta stop disappearing! Wednesday I went and helped at the daycare so that some of the staff could go to that friend's funeral. Jeff had to take his dad to a dr. appt. and I didn't think I could do it alone. So, better that I watch the little ones and let the staff show their support. Had a really good time. Those kids are adorable. However, I could NEVER do it for more than a few hours. I was with the 4 and 5 year olds. They are so danged cute! Had to reschedule therapy with Michael. will discuss that in a few paragraphs. Jeff's dad's news wasn't great, but could have been worse. He has to go in Friday to have part of his colon removed because they found some cancerous polyps. The doc says he is pretty confident that they are well contained and this should be the extent of the trouble, but that we won't know until they actually open him up. It isn't lap. so he will have to be in the hospital for 3 or 4 days. That will be in Williston which is 85 miles from here. Trying not to stress out about that. Will just keep praying. Then therapy on Thursday with Michael. Jeff couldn't come home so it was just M and I. It's always worse then. It about tore me to pieces. Won't go into details but did write myself a letter to try to get it out and then just crawled into bed to try to sleep it off. Jeff came home and it was not a nice afternoon. Jeff of course, because of our friend, was worried that I was going to do something to hurt myself. I assured him that I may be miserable but I did have my senses about me. It's been a tough few days but I'm working through that too. Nothing big the last couple of days, just trying to get out of the funk. I need to get sewing on Michael's quilt. At least get the front done. Jai's is finished except for quilting. I was going to just tie it but Jeff says it would be nicer if it was actually quilted. I don't think I can get it through the inside of my machine, even though it's just lap-sized. So...I need to find someone to hire for that. Blizzard conditions today. Probably the worst I've seen it in 3 or 4 years. Not snowing right now, just blowing, but the drifts are getting really bad. I went out a couple hours ago to get something for lunch and take back a movie and if it continues for long I'm guessing we won't be getting out for school tomorrow. Okay...going to run and watch the game. Just wanted you all to know I'm alive. Will post messages to the rest of you in a couple of hours probably. Love you ladies.!

Hi ladies. Quick check in. I'll try to pop in tomorrow early, but have things to do....will share those tomorrow. Janet, the runs, add a bit of canned pumpkin to her food at each feeding. I used a 1/2 can to 1 1/2 cups of food, so it's not a lot. A couple table spoons for Angel should be enough. Do that for 3 or 4 days and then stop. Often that will "reboot" their system. If it doesn't, there is usually something more wrong. I've checked this with 2 vets and have heard it from a TON of grey owners, so it is a safe thing. Make sure you use JUST pumpkin, not pie filling....silly but I bought the wrong stuff one time. Okay...running away. Have a ton to do. Thanks for the late birthday wishes. I had a nice day...no presents or toasts, but a good day none the less. I spent the evening with one of my best friends who moved away years ago. We have sorta fell outta touch but we got to spend the evening talking over coffee. It was WONDERFUL. Okay...NOW I'm running away. Love you ladies. Have a great Wednesday!

Hey all. Quick check in. Tired and need to call it a night. Food HORRIBLE today. Tomorrow WILL be better. I had typed Hopefully, tomorrow....but took out that hope. It just WILL be. Too much road time. Left home at 6am, drove 100 miles to workshop, 230 drove home and then right back on the road to drive another 150. I SUCK at road time. Karla, yes, the training tomorrow is with Katie so I can be a science trainer. I'm looking forward to it. Hopefully I'll get the chance. The director didn't want me, but I needled my way in saying that Katie had suggested I come. No way our CSPD director would even THINK of turning OPI down. Okay...going to crawl in bed. I have a feeling that science may kick my butt tomorrow. I've only got a chem MINOR and it's been YEARS since I taught it. Anyways. Talk to you all later. Love you ladies!

Well ladies, it is official, I'm so excited to do my workshop tomorrow that I can't even sit still. i keep checking my packing over and over and over. Like that disney commercial where the little boy can't sleep. I feel EXACTLY like that. Jeff has decided to put off the last meal until he finds out what's what with his Dad and Rose can't come back to watch the kids until Feb 6th. He goes to Vegas the end of Feb so he thinks he may wait until March. I've told him that's a bad idea because there is NEVER a "good" time. We'll see if he listens to me. I'm so afraid that if he waits he'll come up with another reason not to go through with it. Then again, if he waits until March, we might have more money so I can have my revision done. I just don't know. Phyl, can we get an actual address to the house so we can check it out on Google Earth? I want to show mom where it is exactly. Just wondering. I guess I should try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a very long day! Hugs ladies. Love you all!

well....hit reply before I could say goodby....kinda spaced that out. Love you ladies. Talk to you later tonight but probably not again until Tuesday night or Wednesday afternoon. Hugs to each of you. Oh...and I like the house on the ocean, just wasn't sure it was big enough (especially if some of the husbands are coming). I've got a queen aerobed that I can bring too....so I'm sure we'll figured it all out. Let me know how much of a deposit I need to send and to who.

Good afternoon ladies. Hope you all are having a great Sunday. I'm doing well. Jeff told me yesterday that he got his approval from Dr. A. He has to do 10 days of some breathing exercises and 7 days of a pre-op diet. It's a pretty easy pre-op. It's like Atkins jump-start. Lucky SHIT! I had 14 days of protein drinks and only 1 meal of meat a day! But, probably better because I don't know if he has the stamina to do liquids for that long. :w00t: He has to take his dad to the doc Wed. to see about some polyps they found in his colon so he doesn't want to do anything until after that. He did say he wants to start the pre-op tomorrow so that if they say he can go in a week, he will be ready! I don't know what bit him in the butt but I'm not complaining. Sherri losing her husband has brought to the front all my fears about losing Jeff. On that note, the autopsy found a small brain tumor. From what I understand they had just begun doctoring because of some stuff, but nothing had found this. They are beginning to think that the tumor was in a place that affected his mental state and that's what brought on the suicide. It's horrible but I think it could give everyone a little bit of peace when the time comes. So sad to lose someone so young. Stopped by the funeral home on the way home from church and signed the guest book. Jeff won't be home on Wednesday because of the dr appointment and I don't know if I'm strong enough to go to the funeral alone. We'll see. I'm going to leave very early for my PIR workshop tomorrow. I'm really excited that I've been hired for this. It makes me proud that my name is out there. I'm really looking forward to it. Then I go directly from Opheim to Glendive. I think it's probably a 4 hour drive. Tuesday morning I have science standard training all day and then back home Tuesday night. It's going to be a very long couple of days. Tired and grief may not mix well which is another reason I don't know about the funeral on Wednesday. Jeff is having last meal syndrome today. It's kinda funny, but he's all ready to get on the right track tomorrow.

Hi ladies. Quiet day in my world. Mom and I did some housework and then we just sort of hung out. Phyl, I love that house. The only other one that I saw that I really liked was at Seattle vacation house rental unit_3030525 - Elegant Waterfront Manor It wasn't as cheap and don't know about being available that week, but it's a beautiful property. Rose and I will be driving so we can help with shuttling too. My headache is back. I just can't seem to shake it. I'll be doing really well until about 4pm and then bam! kicks my butt! I have movies to return so I'll talk to you all later. Love you ladies!

Good morning ladies. Late night, tried to sleep in, but the kids didn't like that idea. They just keep fighting and yelling. I think I might have to throw them out into a snowbank. I'm loving the idea of a house instead of a hotel for the July get together. There are so many nice ones in the area with so many different positives. It will be a tough decision. Okay...I've gotta go get ready for the day. Don't know what we're going to do, but going to do it, even if it's wrong.