Twilight

You guys are all doing well. I know it is frustrating to not see the scale move. Just stay positive. It WILL happen. I'm not dropping as fast as I want and today I saw my double chin again. I thought it was gone for good! Concentrate on making good choices and getting your Water in. I wasn't doing either of those things and decided that it wasn't the foods fault that I wasn't losing. I'm making sure I have enough liquid and chewing the hell out of my food. I'm making sure that I feel it, smell it, taste it, and have gotten everything out of it before I swallow....because why eat it otherwise. I don't know if it will help but it can't hurt, can it? I step on the scale to make sure it hasn't gone up from my last appointment and after that I don't even look at the number. I refuse to let that number control me. I went shopping and bought new underwear and bras. I haven't worn this size unders since high school. My bras are a little snug but 2 inches and 1 cup size smaller....so the differences are there. I bought pants in a 16 thinking I'd wear them in a couple of weeks maybe and they are fitting perfectly now. I was going from a 20 to a 22 at time of surgery. I bought a size 16w swim suit. My scale may not show a HUGE loss like some, but the results are piling up. Stay positive guys. We can do this....and really, 3 months, in the grand scheme of things, is a blink of an eye. It takes a baby that long to figure out how to roll over....and that's the only thing it's working on. It's going to take us some time to perfect this new living....we've got a ton of other stuff to occupy us. Hope this wasn't too preachy....most of it was for my benefit so I won't give up either.

Janet-- so sorry you are feeling icky. I get horrible headaches. I call them migranes but don't know for sure if that's what they are. All I do know is hat they are horrible and knock me down for at least two days. Back on track after a horrible weekend. I say horrible but considering how I ate BB (before band) it wasn't all that bad. I didn't have soda, I didn't gorge myself, and I didn't eat so much I pb'd....so...I had a few cookies and a candy bar. I indulged and shouldn't have but also didn't lose my cool with my son like I would have 2 weeks ago. I had a family weekend and not once yelled at anyone. I laughed, joked, and carried on with my kids like I would have never done 2 weeks ago. And only once did it cross my mind what other people were thinking about me. On the pb issue, I have not done so since I was defilled 1cc. I'm hungry now but I'm not getting sick. Maybe I was just too tight. I have been eating the 1 c that I'm supposed to. I've been getting in my liquids. I worry that I'm eating too much and not losing the weight but I'm not obsessing about it right now. We'll see where I end up in a month, and if I'm losing and can eat without pb'ing then I'm going to stay here. I'm testing this week and I always bring something in for the kids to eat so that if they didn't have breakfast, they aren't starving. In the past it has been donuts and candy bars. Today it is trail mix, bananas, and water. So see Kari, I feed my kids too. I don't know what I'll do to change it up the rest of the week, but this works for me. Carpenter comes today to start tearing out my closet and baby room to make my bathroom bigger. I'm so excited! I can hardly wait. I know in 3 weeks I'll be crazy cranky about the mess but it's a great thing today! I'd better get something done. Keep your fingers crossed for my kids. They need to do well. I hope I've done enough!

Oh...and I watched some of the "I can make you thin" show last night. It was interesting....and I think I'm going to take some things from it, but some of it was like, "Yeah...right!" Interesting though.

Hi all! Happy St. Pats to everyone. I'm back from a long weekend. It was busy busy and traveling with three kids is always a treat! I did really well on food and drink until yesterday. I caved and I know I shouldn't have but after some trouble with eldest I just lost my entire mind. I was crushed and all I wanted was chocolate. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to scream. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted chocolate to sooth myself. I bought a candy bar and ate it. I can't even really say I loved it because I can hardly remember eating it. But I did what I did and there is nothing else to really say. I also ate a few (3 I think) chocolate chip cookies. Something in me needed those comfort things and I just gave up fighting. I'm okay with it and I know that I am moving on today. I'm on a much more even keel and feel better. Just a melt down moment I guess. I did pick out a tub, fixtures, and a new kitchen sink for my house. That was exciting! I am getting really excited about the remodel work that's going to start tomorrow. I have a ton of things to do tonight to get ready though. Moved baby into toddlers room last night and will finish moving her stuff tonight. I'm hoping that the topsy turvy won't throw me into another tailspin but I don't think it's too big of a problem. Well....back to the students. Have a great day!

Hi all....crazy night so I didn't get on here. Between my dysfunctional family and all the crazieness that goes with life, it was 11 before we crawled into bed. I won't bore you with all of that and hopefully I can share of few things later....but....wanted you all to know that I didn't fall off the face of the planet. We are taking the family to Minot tonight to stay at a motel that has a water park...very cool....and then go onto Bismarck to shop for my new bathroom stuff that they are going to start NEXT WEEK!!!! I'm actually looking forward to the water park because I got lasik last year and can see....and I'm not afraid of getting into the tubes!!! I'm going to really enjoy it. And climbing all those stairs!!! They don't even worry me. I have no doubt that I'll be up and down all night. Zoloft seems to be having some strange effects. I'm exhausted in the evenings like usual but the minute I lay down in a dark room I'm wide awake. So...Im not sleeping well. However, big blow up last night at home and I didn't even ever raise my voice. I don't even think my blood pressure went out of control. That was nice. However, today the super came to talk to me and he was upset and my ears started ringing. It was almost like lightheadedness. I don't know. I like how much calmer I am but some of the other stuff...I'm not sure. I'm still not eating a ton so that might have something to do with it. Oh....and when I yawn, it makes me gag....like my tongue is too thick in the back or something....I can't explain. But I'm blaming it all on the zoloft because it all started when I started taking it. I know it has to build up in my system but dr. said that since I was so sick and dehydrated and my system was going to be trying to right itself, it may not take the week to seven days that it normally does. Anyways....gotta go. For anyone who knows what I'm talking about..... Happy pi day!!!!!

Karri -- feeding your students....shame shame!!! Just kidding. Mine come in and ask if I have anything to eat and I always offer them the Protein bars I keep in my desk drawer. They never take me up on them....imagine that! I've been working on problem solving all day and now....I've got problems. I am so discouraged. But instead of going to the kitchen for peach cobbler last period, I went and got myself a glass of Water. Just as good and drowning my sorrows! Okay...going home after a long day but will talk later. I'm sure I'll pop up with something positive....it's there...I just have to think about it a bit.

Karri, My advice and my advice only....don't sacrifice your tummy tuck for this. The tt is important to you. It is important so that you feel good about this whole process. I will tell you how I think I would feel if I did this for MY bf/dh. I think that I would resent the fact that I had to live in a body that made me uncomfortable so that he could have a part time job. Now it may seem really rational to do that right now and that's not saying that it isn't the rational decision to make....but in times of stress (and you know they are coming) we don't think rationally and I would bring it up as something HE stood in the way of. Now that is JUST me. You may not have those issues. We've already determined that I'm insane. Now I started this 3 hours ago so I'm going to post and see that you've already made a decision. Oh well!!!

Good morning all! So excited for Ruby!!! I can't wait to hear how happy she is! I was talking with DH the other day about how he was going to have to pay for that next because my girls are looking so depressed. He was okay with it. And so I plan on making him keep that end of the bargain. After 3 c-sections and 100 extra pounds I'm sure my tummy is going to need some help too.....wondering if my scar will end up by my nipples though....hehehehe All these size 8's happening lately and I'm getting so excited to maybe be one of them someday! Way to go you guys! I think I may be having some side effects from the zoloft. Is it too soon to say I've become a raving bitch on it? Not actually, but one of the teachers said something today and I thought something not so nice, but normally I would NEVER have said it....and today I did. As soon as it came out of my mouth I wanted to DIE. I blamed it on the zoloft but I know it was just me being catty. I hope THAT doesn't continue. It might have something to do with the math meet last night that I didn't get home from until almost 10. I didn't sleep well at all and then staff meetings make me cranky. But lets go with zoloft. It makes me queasy too. I'm finding that if I keep water or coffee on my stomach it doesn't bother as much, so maybe that's a good thing. I didn't however bring lunch today and there is NO WAY I can eat what's on the cafe menu. I'll figure something out. I just wish I would have been thinking this morning. Okay....I dont even remember what I was going to say in this post and I think I'm just rambling now, so I'll sign off for now. Talk to you all later.

Karri, I'm the crazy one, remember? You'll be just fine. Just try to take it one meal at a time. try to add 100 calories to each meal this week. If that works, then see if you can add 50 more each meal. By then you should be about there. When you think of it that way it's a little less overwhelming. It's doable that way. I'm still pretty icky today but I'm wondering if some of it isn't the zoloft. One of the side effects is nasua and since I haven't really eaten anything in over 48 hours, maybe it's not happy in there. I did try to get some yogurt down at lunch and it settled a bit. I have to take all of my students to the math competition tonight and I really can't afford to be sick. A fellow teacher said she would take them but I hate to put it on her. I don't know....guilt guilt guilt....you would think I was Catholic. (no offence, I used to be) I did weigh in this morning and after pushing fluids in yesterday....I think I almost got to 100, I was still down so maybe with TOM visiting and the extra calorie burn with being sick I really did lose more than I thought. It will just make next month's weigh in all the better. Now....for this trip. I'm reading two different weekends and I just want to make sure I've got it straight. The LAST weekend in July or the one before it? Did I miss, in my delusionary state, where we are staying? Someone asked about other stuff to do. If there are any baseball/football fans, there is the twins/vikings stuff in town. I don't know if they have the same stadium or if they are different, but I know they are there. I'll do some more checking on tourism in the area and get back to you all on that.

I went for my fill today and if I took todays weigh in as official I would say I have lost 41.5 but since I was so sick the night before I know a lot was water weight from being dehydrated. So I'm claiming 183 as my weight. That gave me an 8 lb loss this last month and I'm happy with that. I want to be under 175 by april 1.

Karri, What an AWESOME end to a long weekend. I am so envious. You are definitely an inspiration. Not even a year to goal! I can just imagine the cloud you are floating on. If your students want to hang you ask them to wait until your new body is finished at the tailors. You want to look good in the headlines:ohmy: I would love to meet you in July but think this is a MUCH better use of funds. You're going to be gorgeous!!

I went to the fill dr today. She wasn't as....how should I say this....receptive or helpful as I had hoped. She was a little concerned about my being sick. She took out a cc so that maybe I could get water down easier and heal. She did worry that once I was feeling better I would be much more hungry, but she thought it was the best thing to do. I have to say that almost immediately I felt better. I've not yakked since. She didn't seem capable of helping with my other problems though. She almost seemed like I had broached a subject she was completely unable to deal with. She suggested that maybe I might want to see about finding someone to talk to about this....uhhhh??? duh!!!!! I left there almost feeling worse about myself than I did last week. I'll give her that she is new to doing fills for my dr. and she really is trained in endocrinology not craziness. As upset as I was over the outcome there, I didn't let it stop me. I immediately called my PA's office and got an appointment with her this afternoon. I drove home, took a 2 hour nap, and then went and visited with her. She was awesome. After talking to me for almost a half hour, she gave me some coping mechanisms and then put me on an anti-depressant. She suggested that we work together for a couple of months regulating that and trying a few things to help me cope and then if we still needed more help she would recommend a therapist. She suggested two but said she thought one better than the other and since he is 2 hours away she said if we start this summer when I have more time, it might be more beneficial. I'm healing....I wish it was like magic and I felt better, but this too shall pass. On the plus side my weight loss was 12.5 lbs. I'm not sure how much to count since I KNOW there is a bunch of dehydration in there. I was thinking 8 lbs. Does that seem fair? Okay...I'm going to go and rest some more. Talk to you all later. Thanks for worrying but hope I've put some of your concerns to rest.

Sorry to worry you ladies. I'm doing fine. I'm tired and my body is sore from the heaves, but other than that I think I'm alright. I'll ask the dr. in an hour if she thinks so too. My biggest concern is that I damaged something inside or that they will throw me in the hospital in a strange town. And to whoever said they didn't think I'd go if I didn't feel well....you all made me swear I would talk to my dr. today. I couldn't go back and find the message but I believe I got a pretty stern talking to by some of my mother's on this board.....and I was being an obedient daughter and doing as I was told. Had I come up with some lame excuse like I had a touch of a tummy thing, I'm sure the lectures would have come!! (Now you should know that I'm giggling as I wrote that because I know how silly it is....and that you all have my best interests at heart). I slept for another hour or so but my body couldn't take the bed anymore. I'm hungry but afraid anything I try to put down will irritate an already angry stoma....maybe they have a banana down at the Breakfast bar....that might be okay. Other than that I'm sure it's toast and muffins and those are just going to cause their own set of miseries. Well, I'm going to log off and check out. I'll be home late this evening as long as all goes well. BIL has a 50th bday party but I may beg off. I think sleep would be better. Oh...and I forgot to add to my ramble about Sucky Sunday....tom decided to come visit too! When it rains, it pours!! Have a great day you guys. I'll talk to you tonight or tomorrow.

Good morning all. Wow what a day! I started feeling icky yesterday about noon but figured it was because I hadn't eaten before church. So I made son a pb & honey and took a bite to bring blood sugar back up. Honey usually does the trick in no time. Laid down to rest for an hour since DH and I had been out on a service call the night before and then got packed up to leave. By the time I got to my classroom I had serious runs and by the time I was finished there it was coming from both ends (ewwww!!! sorry!) So I had to make a decision. Was I going to try to get to my appt. this morning 3 hours away or just go home. You know I was pretty insistent on this appt. today. There are a ton of things I need to talk to my dr. about. So....I figure it can't get much worse and I should be able to rest stop convenience store time everything. Well, I made the 3 hour drive in about 5. It was intense hell. I checked into the motel and just sort of melted. By 2 am I was seriously worried because I was dizzy standing and cold. My normally veiny hands were flat as pancakes. I was seriously worried about dehydration. Called dh and he wanted me to call an ambulance but there was no way in hell that was going to happen. I told him I'd go back to sleep for a couple of hours because laying down, everything stopped and as long as I didn't try to drink water or something I was not throwing up. Well, woke up at 4:30 and it has seemed to have broken. I could drink water and not cramp up and was actually feeling like I might live. My veins are still very thin and that will be priority number 1 when I see my dr. today. I don't know when I should worry and when I should sleep it off. I probably should have gone in, but there is that not wanting to bother anyone part of me.....another issue for therapy. I got some pinapple juice and water into my system....about a cup and now I'm going to crawl back in bed for a couple of hours. Dr. appt is 3 hours away and I'm only 15 minutes from there. I look like hell and don't feel too much better. I guess on the plus side, my weigh in should be phenomenal!!! Maybe I'll sleep soundly and this will all have been a bad dream. TTYL

Peaches!!! I would LOVE to come to Canada! The beach sounded WONDERFUL!!! But then mall of America popped into my head and now I'm all kinds of obsessed! I've never had a true REASON to go before so I've always stayed away. Now DH can't deny me. I have a reason AND he's on "the list". He hopes I have a good time :thumbup: Now as for when, I think the weekend mentioned before works for me. The weekend after also does. Before that I have a few things, but I could probably work around just about any weekend except the 4th. I'm getting so excited. I'm like those little kids in the Disney commercial when the mom comes in and says they need to sleep and the little boy goes, "but we're too excited to sleep!!" rolling round on the bed. That's me! Well, I'd better stop here and finish getting ready for church. I'll check in later and share some of my thoughts. I went on a road call with DH last night because it was an hour and a half drive one way and I worried about him falling asleep....but that's another story.....and I had a lot of time to think about a lot of stuff. I'll share it after church. Happy Sunday all

:huh2:Throwing you a party:sad: We will have dancing Will will have laughing And a BIG GROUP HUG!!!:cool2:

Oh...and I checked the chart today and didn't know that at my last month weigh in I had dropped myself from MO to just O! I have a ways to go until just overweight, but I passed through seriously obese without knowing about it!!! How exciting was THAT! I love QVC and I LOVE to shop. And just think about all the walking we can do together in the mall! I'll have to check it out further because I really don't know much about what is there except QVC. DH might have a problem with that but since he bought himself an $8k four wheeler today, I don't think he's going to have a wheel to stand on! I am in where ever we decide to go. I'm going to have something to strive even harder for!!!

Okay...I changed my name!!! I don't mean to offend anyone. You all have been awesome about welcoming me with open arms. It's just that I don't want anyone thinking, "What's with that pushy broad, she just started here and thinks she has a say!" But I feel like one of you all and don't want you all to think I don't. Okay. Yesterday I sat down with my journal and really did some soul searching. I don't know the root cause of my problems and may need some serious therapy to get that. I'm going to explore that possibility....but just like walmart is 90 mins away I don't know where I will find a GOOD therapist. I will ask dr. about that on Monday. If she can't come up with something I'll go to my GP and ask her. Anyways....I was really thinking about where I was 3 months ago and where I am today and what I can show for my last bit of time. I went back and thought about all the reasons I did this and how close I am to my goals. This was never about numbers but about feeling good enough to be a good mom. I run up stairs now. I go downstairs to talk to my son instead of calling him up to talk to me. I don't wait to walk down the hallway at school because I need to get it all together before I make the trip. I prefer to make 6. I put on a pair of scrubs yesterday (I always wore them 10 years ago as comfy pants) that I hadn't worn in at least 6 years if not closer to 9. I moved my bra closure to the shortest set of hooks and it doesn't form a separate roll. I think I could go down to a 40! I get down to play with my kids on the floor all the time. I can't tell you when the last time I was out of breath just standing up was. In the last 3 months I have had ice cream once. I haven't had a soda since Thanksgiving. I now have a veggie with EVERY meal. I now make my kids have a veggie with every meal. I have cut down the bread consumption in my house to 1 loaf every 10 days or so instead of every 2 days or so. I haven't had to flavor my water to hide the fact that it is water since I don't know when. Tonight I was craving fish. So why am I so down on myself? Well, those issues I talked about yesterday still exist, but I don't need to focus on them, do I? TOM is coming to visit soon....very soon. Testing starts in 2 weeks. DH is being a major unmotivator (his idea of being supportive is saying "I'm going to Dairy Queen, you don't want anything do you?" instead of "I'm going to dairy queen, can I bring you back something?" and only eating it in front of me like I won't want it (among a million other make me cranky things). There are a million reasons I was focusing on the wrong stuff yesterday. I still promise to discuss with dr., but today I'm focusing my mind on the new world that is open to me now that I am nearly 35 pounds lighter. Have a great weekend all. I'll be on and off the next few days.

Oh oh oh!!! I've gotta idea. How about Minneapolis....the mall of america!!! We will all need new clothes!!!! Maybe no one lives there, but there's a GREAT MALL!!!! Okay, and I can take the train so it works better for me....but that's me being stingy and I'm not even an official 7...so I've gotta hush. I was just thinking, central, not so far south that it would be miserable, and MALL!!!!!!!!!! I love to shop!

As of right now you only need a passport if you are flying into or out of Canada. If you are driving you only need a CERTIFIED birth certificate and drivers license. I'm not sure when that changes. And I'm from Montana....not Tennesee. I think I can talk DH into letting me go away for a few days....heheeheh...leaving him with a 1 yr old, 3 yr old, and a 13 yr old. He'll love me for ages!!! I have some positives to type but school's out and I'm going HOME!!! I'll post from there. Talk to you soon.

Oh gosh. So much to say and after the last post I'm feeling like I'm a big mouth. I'll try to keep it to half a page this time. I have a very iffy relationship with God. I spent much of my younger years thinking it was all a big lie, then my early 20's trying to figure it out, my late twenties trying to fit Him into being a single mom of an ADHD child, and a few years ago almost a FULL YEAR so angry with Him for taking my father from me. Now I'm beginning to learn to trust again but it is still very hard. I'm still learning to give it up to Him. Now...off that subject. Onto my TMI....Thank you so much Indio for the wonderful posts. I have been ruminating over all that you said. I've got a lot to think about. You said a lot and were dead on in many ways. A few points...bulimic?? I don't know. I don't know enough about the disease/disorder but from my understanding and what I was doing before....I don't think so, think cow and cud not up and chuck. There is a difference and I hope you can, and can't, understand that. Now, maybe because I am eliminating it from my system...but not because I'm worried about calories but because it hurts to sit where it is. So I don't know but I will ask my dr. about it Monday. And yes, I promise to talk to my dr. on Monday. I actually talked DH out of going with me so that he wouldn't be concerned when I'm in the office for 30 minutes or more instead of 5. I will have 3 hours to think while driving there and 3 hours to think driving back. Tonight I came home and made beef stew for family.The only horrible thing I put in was 1/4 cup of flour in the whole pot. Everything else was extremely healthy. I did not walk tonight but so far have spent a very productive and thoughtful night. I am thinking about tomorrow and have a good plan in place. I will wake up with yogurt for a change and maybe not need the junk when we have coffee in the morning. I have good stuff planned for lunch. 13 year old is going to make chx and pasta for dinner and I'm going to make a nice big salad for that. So far tonight my only "snack" food had been my v8 fusion. I guess I didn't do too good with keeping this short, but thank you all for your kind words. I did manage not to cry in front of anyone....but had they walked in at the right time I was a blubbering idiot. Love to you all! I appreciate it all.

I have a underactive thyroid and have been on thyroxine for years. I too thought I wanted to go to the other side when they started me on meds. When my levels got to just barely normal, I wanted them to continue to increase my dose so that I could sway the other way. Well...then I looked at some side effects to having a hyperactive thyroid. These are a few of the symptoms.... feeling nervous, irritable or emotional tremor (shaking) sleeping poorly being intolerant of heat and sweating more than usual losing weight despite increased appetite (10% of people gain weight) feeling tired and having weak muscles increased heart rate or palpitations having infrequent periods or problems with fertility having more frequent bowl movements or diarrhoea shortness of breath, especially when exercising loss of hair or finer hair than usual swelling of the thyroid gland in the neck - a goitre Now...I know it sounds like a good thing when we first hear of it. Afterall, it was one of the reasons my dr. gave me for gaining weight....so lets go the other way and get rid of these thighs!!!! But the down side for me was not acceptable. Did you express these concerns with you GP? Did you say, "hey, wait, we don't seem to be on the same page!!!" Maybe they could put it in terms that make sense to you....and if you don't like what they have to say, seek a second opinion. Good luck!!

Just went back and peaked at the last few days worth of stuff. I really didn't think I was so far behind! I have a couple of things.... Indio! I'm in my 30's and after 2 days with my little ones I'm PRAYING for Monday. It had nothing to do with your age, and everything to do with kids these days. When I was a kid it was "get outside and play". Now it's "what should we do together?" I'm glad for your sake that you didn't have to watch them. Don't feel like they would have beaten you though because I think you are tougher than you think or let on! As for getting strong....go for it. The PE teacher here told me an at home exercise to do in the kitchen....soup cans start with them touching at waist level (thumbs out) and raise them shoulder high and shoulder wide and then back down to waist middle. Had no idea soup cans were so freaking heavy!!!! Do as many as you can, rest 3 minutes and repeat 3-5 times. As for the secret bandster, right now I'm feeling like a rotten bandster and don't think I will deserve squat come July! I keep up all the stuff I'm about to confess and I'll be back up to 220 before Easter gets here! Okay....now for the confessions. I'm having horrible food everything. Cravings, choices, chewing,...the list just goes on and on. My intentions are even bad. They say confession is good for the soul so I'm here to beg forgiveness. I know I have done wrong...I know what is right...I just SUCK AT THIS!!!! I've been eating anything and everything the last few days. It started Sunday for dinner I had family over and made a pot roast....and potatoes and gravy....and biscuits....and SIL made cheesecake....You see where this is going right? Well, I ate the potatoes and a biscuit and a small piece of cheesecake. Thank goodness my dear sweet 1 year old was birding me the whole time so I really only had 3 small bites of cheesecake....but the choices I made!!!!! Good lord I'm a glutton. Since then I've been eating/snitching some candy...and I went to the store on Monday to get a Ben and Jerry fix! I ate about 1/3 of the container and yesterday ate another third. I've been drinking ZERO water. I've not been walking for days. And honestly I feel silly telling you all of this because it makes me sound like I plan on stopping....and with this "I don't give a #$^$ attitude I can see me eating the last 3rd tonight while I sit on the couch doing jack. So maybe confession doesn't do jack for my soul. I don't know. I DO KNOW that I've got a really crappy attitude. Okay...so here is what I think could be maybe going on. But there is a huge TMI alert surrounding this next bunch of stuff. I really insist that if you are at all squeamish you want to not read this. In fact if I could put a screen on it that the curious could then remove I would....but I don't know who all to ask about this and I feel more comfortable with you all than anyone else. But please....stop now and don't read any further if in doubt!!!! okay...so when I was thinking about getting banded it was because I didn't believe I had something in my body that told me what FULL felt like. I would eat and eat and when I was tired of eating or thought that I had had enough I quit...and then in about a half hour I would go back and eat again. The only way I knew it was beyond time to stop was because I would "cud up". I don't know how else to put it. I wouldn't burp...I wouldn't throw up....it was just this involuntary esophogus action and something would come back with it. Now most times that would make me stop, but not always. And as sick as that sounds, it could happen 10 or 15 times before, I guess, it was digested enough to fit into my stomach. I'm so sorry. I know that is gross. I haven't even ever discussed it with my dr. or DH it's so gross. Anyways. When I get stuckish....I don't call it stuck because from what everyone else says, that's painful...the same thing happens. Honestly it is no more difficult to "cud" than to swallow, it just takes thinking about it. And it happens a lot. I don't chew, I feel that pressure, and to relieve it I expel. Okay...and then as horrible as it sounds, I then go eat some more. So....I've been getting rid of most of the good food....and in my head, since I haven't consumed hardly ANY calories....that means I can eat the junk....and since I'm not consuming the calories, why should I work out. I know!!! I know!!! I'm horrible and being beyond out of line! But now I feel like I'm in a hole that I can't dig myself out of! I think this is something only I can get ahold of....but I feel like such a failure that I'm climbing the walls depressed about it. Okay....TMI alert has expired. Back to stomach friendly discussion!!! I have a fill scheduled for Monday and I know I have some tough stuff to discuss with dr. I really don't think my condition has anything to do with being too tight, but more about being too lazy to chew correctly and too greedy to make good food choices. I did have some pork chop casserole the other night and when I cut my pork chop into small bites and chewed well, I ate about 3 oz of meat and was completely full and comfortable. I know it is possible. Just not what I'm doing. So I don't know what to tell my dr. about the questions they ask. Am I hungry....yeah, because I'm doing horrible things. Am I nauseous....no, but eliminating anyways. Do I need a fill? I need a lobotomy is more like it! I wasn't even going to go for my appt, but have decided that I really need to discuss everything with this woman....problem....I am embarrassed to even discuss it. So....I think it was MsPris that asked about depression. Right now, I'm about as low as I was right before my last pregnancy, and honestly not sure what I should do about it. I thought this was going to help my depression....not make it worse, and yet again, here I am feeling like I failed at another diet. Bad thing is, this one cost me over $13k to fail. Okay...before I lose it in front of my students, I had better go. Good thing my desk is behind them and they can't see me, only I can see them and keep them on task. Night guys.

I will poll on the 10th after my appt for the month. I try to keep to their scale because mine is never the same. For the month I am hoping for a 8 pound loss. That is the team's goal for me and I will take it. 2 pounds a week is good enough for me! To push myself harder I am going to commit to 3 days per week of exercise instead of my 1 or 2. I'm seriously considering an elliptical machine. I'm thinking as it gets nicer out I'll start going outside more and my kids are going to want to play....so I need to get in better shape for them. 3 days sounds kind of wimpy compared to a lot of you, but it's better than I was doing before, so I'm going to say it's good. I'm with Chris. I would go nuts writing down everything. I work with the guidelines and am struggling on the chewing. But I'm not going to keep track of all the calories. If I had time to do that I would have time to exercise every day. Neither is true. My big spring time goal is to lose 1/4 of me by graduation.

Tomorrow I am wearing a skirt to work that I bought when I first began my teaching career in 1999! There are still a few of those things I can't wear, but I'm into most of them!