Twilight

Karri, I'm sorry if I sounded bossy. I'm just worried. I do understand money issues. I was a single mom going to school full time on nothing more than loans. Then I was a single mom trying to live on 1k a month with 750 in bills before food and gas. It sucks and I do understand the nothing in the bank. I guess I didn't understand that it was THAT bad for you right now. I knew things were tight but I'm sorry they are so tight. Deep breaths. This too shall pass. I wish there was more and better I could say on that front. My point with the 5 pounds was that you are GREAT at losing. You are an expert at it. You did an AWESOME job losing your 100 pounds. I doubt that you would gain 5 pounds. You are too committed to your running and such. But if you did, you would be the first one to see it and lose it again. No I wouldn't want to gain 5 pounds. None of us would, but if we did you would be right there telling us that we need to focus and turn it around. That's all I was trying to get across. I wish you better luck trying to find someone to talk to. Trust me, I've been trying to find a therapist for my son for months. Finally have an appointment 200 miles from here on Monday. No one wanted to touch his case. Finally found someone who would listen. My PCP had to do it though, no one wanted to talk to me. It's tough but it's important too. I'll keep sending good thoughts. Again, I didn't mean to sound bossy or anything, I'm just concerned. If we can help, I hope we do. Nothing I can do financially or medically but I can lend some support if it will help. Hugs

Karri, I thought about you all night. Had a really hard time sleeping because I wanted to help you. You have been such an inspiration and driving force in my weight loss. I hate to see you hurting like this. I don't know that I have great words of wisdom, but these are what kept going through m mind. Get thee to a nuttery!!!! Okay, just thought I would insert a little humor there. I know that you are budgeting every penny and with DH only working part time it's really stressful, but you have insurance for a reason....because if you need to go, you need to go. Your mental health is every bit as important as your physical health. Even more so most of the time. It doesn't matter how much weight you've lost if it drives you crazy. If I had to choose I would be fat and sane instead of thin and nuts. I can live, love, work if I'm fat....I'm seriously in trouble if I'm crazy.....those things that are so important won't matter. Does that make sense? What is the worst thing that could happen if you gain 5 pounds? You don't fit in a size 4 anymore? I seriously doubt that you would have those 5 pounds for long. You've bounced around a bit in the last 9 months...up a pound or two then down 3. You know the answer when it comes to losing. So if you gain 5, you get to lose 5. .... and you're GREAT at losing. You say you don't think you're anorexic. I don't know the exact definition of the illness. But this obsession with how to get AROUND eating the food isn't healthy. We have an eating disorder. For so long it was OVEReating. Now you've transferred that to UNDEReating. It's still a disorder. No matter what name you put on it, it's not healthy. You need help to get through this. As much as we love you, we are not trained to help you here. We can't discuss the deep issues. We don't know the background. We can't just sit and look in your eyes while you dig to the roots. I don't know what your insurance policy is. I don't know how good it is. My suggestion would be to call the customer service line and ask them what their mental health policy is. If they want specifics say that your family (we are family here and DH is just as concerned) believe you have an eating disorder. I'm sure they will have some policy in place. Call them. TODAY!!! Take a step in the right direction. It may be as simple as getting on a med regimen. Remember when I was going nuts about my "cudding" problem? You told me to get to the doctor...talk until someone listens....don't give up until someone HEARS you. Now you take that same advice. PLEASE!!!! You'll never feel better until you get this under control. You are in a size 4 and worried about eating a hamburger bun. You have got to do something. Take a deep breath, find the number for your insurance center, and CALL! Tell us what you find out. We all love you and are sending good thoughts your way. I'm sending you all the strength I can muster to help you through those calls. CALL!!!

Just a quick check in. I'll be on more tomorrow. I promise. I just wanted to post to Karri....Read your blog and wanted to cry for you. I'm so sorry you are having such a horrible time. I'm sending you huge hugs and a shoulder to let it all out on. Please share with us so that we can support you. Don't hold that all in. Sharing it lets all of us carry a piece of this burden for you. It will make your life easier. I will think about what you said and see if I can come up with any gems of advice. Until then, please just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Steph

My dear husband is so special! He definitely made my day. I got home and he told me that he forgot something in the truck and would I go out and grab it. Out I went and he had a wii fit!!!! The lady at Pamida called him today and she had put aside one of them yesterday for herself and she found out that we didn't get the other one so she called him and said she could always grab one whenever they come in so if he wanted it we were welcome to it. Wasn't that sweet??? It was a horrible evening. I was at school until 7:30. I left in tears and cried most of the way home. I can't even explain the tears. It is just so hard. It was so nice to get home and have that special treat. I haven't opened it. I'm not sure if I'm going to right now....I'm exhausted. It may have to wait. Just wanted to share the good news. Talk to you all later.

Good afternoon ladies! Taking a break from cleaning classroom and such. My ipod ran out of juice so I'm letting it recharge a bit and then I'll attack again. At least it gave me a good excuse to come visit you all. I wanted to get wiifit. My dh was supposed to be at the store when they opened to get it....our local got 2. When I talked to him yesterday he said he didn't make it there until 10 and they were both sold. GRRRRR. Oh well. I didn't really NEED it....just WANTED it. We'll get it someday. I'll keep my eyes peeled for it. But I am hugely jealous of your guys who got it. Had a great bbq last night with my students and a couple of collegues. about 15 kids showed up. We all played around in the back yard and then we went in to play wii for a bit. They had a hell of a good time watching me box! Got the snot beat out of me by one of my students. I really wanted to cream him!!! I think he'll brag on that for years! We were going to burn their math projects but it was awfully windy so I told them I would invite them back again to do that. They were pretty impressed that I would ask them back. God I'm going to miss them. Only broke down and cried once today. I've been procrastinating a ton though. I should have been done in here by noon but I keep finding little things to put my mark on before I leave. It's horrible. You can definitely tell my heart isn't necessarily in this anymore. I want to stay!!!! it will all be alright in a few days but right now, I want to stay. Drinking more Water today. Almost have 3 bottles in and will fill up another time before I go home. Will have a 5th before bed. I think that's pretty good. Okay. I'd better get off of here and get something accomplished. I'm going to be here until midnight at this rate. Karri--you had better get some rest. You're going to have a breakdown if you don't. Remember, even though we think we aren't, we are only human. You can only do so much and you are asking a lot of your body right now. Give it some rest and it will thank you for it. Okay....now I'm going....really.....

Okay Denise. What was so great about that? Are you doing it? You have my curiosity peaked!!! Tell more! Now....I want to say AWESOME for you! As fat people we let way too many people walk all over us day after day. We didn't like ourselves and thought we deserved it. We DESERVE respect and common courtesy. If you aren't getting that you MUST stand up for yourself and never back down. I say bravo!!!!!! Now the question I have for you is, do you feel powerful because of it? Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into assert-a-bitch these days and I need to step down. When I'm logical I don't think that is true, but when I'm emotional and not thinking quite so clearly I think it is. No matter, you did a great thing by standing up for yourself. I'm very proud of you!!!! KUDOS

I tell you, I love it! You can pick it up and read it for 5 minutes and then put it back down. It fits in the glove box so if you're out and about you can look at it. I do think they focus more on fat and not enough on the other stuff....but that's just me. Well.. gotta run. if you all have a chance, say a yippeeeee!!! Kids are done and I will be tomorrow!!!!!!! Bu-by now

Kate, My husband is very overweight. I begged. I pleaded. I talked til I was blue in the face. I gave him every reason. I want him to be able to play ball with the kids. I want him to be around for their graduations. I don't want to worry everyday that I'll get "the call." I couldn't afford to live without him. His kids needed him. I even found out how we could afford it and penciled it out for him. Trust me. I tried it all. Nothing worked. I've not given up. I've put it on hold and if he comes to the choice on his own then I will support him completely. Men can't be given all those reasons. They need to come to it on their own. It was that way with my father, is with my brother, my two sons, and it is DEFINITELY that way with my husband. It's only a good idea if they come up with it. He has all the pro's in front of him. He is living my success. I mention it to him a couple times a month to see if he's thinking about it and then I drop it. It's got to be his decision. As for "the band will work for everyone." Maybe I'm reading something into your post that I shouldn't, but the band will NOT work for everybody. If your not ready for it, you will eat around it. You have to make a commitment to your band. You have to do 80% of the work. If you're still going to eat the junk, drink the soda, not exercise, the band will not make you thin. That's a huge commitment you're going to have to make. He shouldn't take it lightly. As I said, maybe I read what you said incorrectly. If so I'm sorry. I agree with an above poster that said, "write the letter, just don't mail it." Often we need to express the emotions. We just need to get it out. That doesn't mean he needs to read it. And if you want to write it all down as many letters to him, he may find it wonderful if/after he comes to the decision to lose the weight....whatever method he chooses. My advice to you would be to encourage. Talk about the great new foods you are trying now. New recipes that he might like. Talk about the benefits your finding in drinking all your Water. Tell him about your gym successes. If he's close enough, ask him to walk or work out with you. Set up an exercise challenge with him. If he is actually trying to change his habits, set up a reward system with him where he does something special for you when you achieve a goal and you do something for him when he achieves his. Share the benefits you're seeing in losing weight. ... like sleeping better, feet not hurting, less back aches, better blood work. Odds are that your successes will strike a chord with him even if they are things he hasn't shared with you. If he truly is the strong stoic type he's keeping a lot of worry inside and not sharing it with anyone. He will take your words in and start putting it all together. He'll get there. Maybe not to the banding decision but hopefully it will open up the communication avenue and he will get involved and excited...he may even open up to you. Just make it about you for now and eventually he will make it about him. Those would be my 12 cents....inflation you know....

Super job sghatl!!! Live it up and enjoy the new you! That is a huge milestone to achieve. Do something awesome to Celebrate it. What is your next big goal?

It looks like you had a wonderful time Chris!!! I'm glad you made it back. Wish we had all those fish here in Mt. for dinners. I'm learning to like a few different fish dishes. Not a huge selection of ocean fish out here but what I've tried I've enjoyed. Share your experiences. I'm so jealous. I'd love to do a cruise. I'll have to wait until kids grow up though.

Glad you didn't have to wait all the way until 2:30. That would have killed me. Today was my last day lunch. They do a special meal for everyone leaving. This year it is 3 seniors and 3 teachers. I chose taco salad, watermelon, creamed cucumbers and cinnamon swirl bread. Before you jump, the requirements are protein, veggie, fruit, bread, if you want dessert. I can't give up creamed cucumbers and refuse to even try. I ate too much and shouldn't have. I just couldn't stop. Some days I really wonder if there is a band in there. I chewed really well and all so I didn't get stuck, but I wonder if I shouldn't have been able to eat that much. Drinking tea now. My water consumption has been very low the last few days. I need to up it a lot. I won't give excuses....just write myself a ticket. Is everyone else doing well with their water????? Gotta run. Awards night.

Great job you guys. You should be very excited! A whole new us and it hasn't even been 6 months! You're all doing great! Having a stressful, not eating exactly great week. Last week of school and too much to do. So far it hasn't been hitting the scales so I must be getting it off somehow. Who knows. Okay...gotta run. Have a great rest of the week!!!

Good morning 7's!!! Back for another round of semester tests. Oh yippee!!! However, I rode my bike to school and my saddle bags don't have room for my laptop so I don't have it today. My desktop faces away from the kids so I will not be on much today. Besides I have hours and hours of work to do. I should be doing it anyways! I'm procastinating. We got some of our testing scores back yesterday. The ones that don't count of course :wink2:) My freshmen all scored grade equivalency of 13+. My 8th grade wasn't quite so hot but my 7th grade are all above grade level too. That is pretty awesome! The state testing results won't be back until after school starts this summer I don't think, but I'm impressed with what the kids have done. On those days when I worry that I'm not reaching some of them, these days help. Besides the fact that I am leaving PeeWee a really tough act to follow! At least I know that the kids are prepared for him. Karri, I don't know how you can fast that long. I would be DYING!!! You'll be in my thoughts today. Sorry you couldn't go in first thing this morning. I've always done my fasting while sleeping. I sleep in and then go have my blood drawn as soon as I get out of the shower. The big downfall for you will be not getting any calories in, being hungry when you are done, and then because you are hungry, eating too fast and sticking. Be careful this evening. I'll be thinking of you. Phyl, that outfit may be baggy, but it is very flattering to your face. I think it looks wonderful. The color is great on you. Don't worry. You will find wonderful clothes for the spring and summer. I'm sending my shopping god's to your shoulders. They are always sitting on mine. I could use some days where I find absolutely NOTHING to buy. So you take them. Use them wisely however, they can become addicting. Return them when we meet you on the train. I will want them back for that trip. Ruby and Janet, I'll send some cold your way. When I rode my bike down this morning I really wanted to wimp out ten miles into it. I was FREEZING. I'm sitting here in front of my space heater trying to warm up. It really wasn't all that cold but at 70mph the wind chill is a @#$#$. My fingers are finally working again however. Tonight will be fine. Supposed to be mid 70's. That's JUST RIGHT. Well...kids are turning in tests....gotta go correct them. Have a great day everyone. Don't forget your water!!!!

Phyl!!! They are beautiful! And so is Grandma! You may be frustrated at the slow scale but I can see a difference even from your avatar....and you ARE wearing the same shirt so it is a legit comparison. How proud you must be of your family. And of yourself. Happy Happy DaY!!!!

Karri, your nut sounds like a nut....the screwy kind!!!! I would say it may be time to find a different nut. Have you talked to a trainer at the gym? Maybe they need to have their head examined before they give out any advice. I think setting a healthy goal, like running a marathon in a year, is amazing, healthy, and entirely realistic. Your body has been through a lot in a year but it's not like it has been cancer or a car accident or something. People all the time come through those catastrophies and go on to some pretty amazing things....in a couple years' time. I don't think you are doing anything crazy. I guess I understand the PS not wanting to send your body into shock and all I have to go by is what I've seen on tv, but they took off a ton of skin on some of those people on big medicine. I would guess that your body would be better prepared for the surgery and you would have better muscle tone to build on if you continue to work out. But again, not a doctor. Good luck with your nutty nut. Mine pushes exercise, exercise, exercise every month at our meeting, so I think your is just nutty! Maybe we should call her Squirrel.

Points taken. Thank you all for putting me back in line. You all said things that made so much sense. I guess they will think I'm skinny. Oh well. I am feeling so much better that the number on the scale is secondary anymore. I like the way I'm beginning to look in clothes. My feet don't hurt when I walk anymore. My aches and pains are from exercising and they make me smile now. I did do this to become healthy. Skinny (and I can't help it, I want to be skinny Ruby. I think it's a beautiful word) is just a bi product of the journey. As for my mom. I love the fact she is doing something to improve herself. I think it's funny that she sees herself as fat after looking at me for the last 20 years, but whatever. We all know that body image is in the eye of the beholder. I wish she wanted to get healthy instead of thinner. She wants to fit in a size of jeans, not be able to play with her grandkids. She wants to not have to buy new panties, instead of wishing she didn't huff and puff when she goes up the stairs. I guess I'm just not saying it right. I WANT her to be healthy and however she gets there is great. For the last couple of years, since my dad died, she really didn't care much about her health. But my reasons for doing this aren't her reasons. Whatever I believe is MY belief, and I can't force it on her. Now....Karri, you should celebrate the weight. You were really worried about upping your goal weight and it really bothered you. Now you won't be able to say that it was just the TT. It was YOU. You did it! Celebrate it. Your body will adjust to whatever you are throwing at it. Don't panic if you're under 150. I'm sure the PS will be able to do just fine with that. Denise, you can make it through this week. You don't have to kill her. I know the desire, but stay strong. Just paraphrase Jesus, "Forgive her, for she knows not what she does." It's one week. Phyl and Janet, about the scallops. I bought some and they are in the freezer. I want to cook them but don't know what to serve with them. Can I grill them and how do I know when they are done. I keep reading "don't over cook them" but how will I know? Do they go well with fruit? Could I kabob them with mushrooms and peppers and pineapple? Suggestions? I'm a grilling fiend when it's nice and will grill 5 nights a week now. Okay....lunch. Half done, only half more to go! Have a great day 7's

Good morning 7's!!! I had a great day yesterday. Rode over 200 miles! That was my first big ride and I guess I did it up big. Before that 15 miles was my max. My tailbone hurt by the end though. Holey Hannah I almost cried trying to sit through graduation. Last year when I bought my bike the seat was nice and cushy. Yesterday I realized that it wasn't the seat that was cushy, it was my butt! It's not so cushy anymore. We're talking about getting me a better (read bigger) bike. I don't know, I like mine, it just doesn't have a lot of power. The zoloft must really be working because I didn't even cry through the graduation. I usually sit there and bawl. It really is sad though. I'll miss my pipsqueaks. Can I have a bit of a meltdown here though? This is going to sound very irrational but I need to get it out and my DH just isn't going to get it. My mom was here, as you know for a few weeks. She has always been small. When she had her restaurant we actually worried about her getting too small. At one point she was shopping in the children's section (she is also very short). Well so she was all hung up on my weight loss. But also very hung up on her weight gain. Now for my mom, at 4' 11" and 130 pounds, I just rolled my eyes. I told her about tracking her meals and seeing that she is eating well and balancing out her nutrition. I thought that was important because she can eat one meal of eggs and toast a day. anyway.... Last night she calls and asks about daily plate and I gave her the address again and she says she walked a mile and how excited she was and now she's looking into joining a gym. Great for her, I'm really excited about it, but a little concerned that she thinks a size 8 is fat. But then I talked to my BIL and he says "I hear your getting really skinny." uhhh....no???? What has my mom told them? What are they expecting? I'm proud of me but what if they think I'm going to be skinny when I get out there at the end of the week. I have this crazy fear that they are going to look at me and think, "So what's the big deal? She's still fat!" I wanted to go out next week and everyone be proud of me and now I think they are expecting something I'm not. Now how are they going to be happy? I know that there is no way they won't be excited to see me down almost 60 pounds, but I really think they are expecting something I'm not. See....completely irrational. grrrrr. I hate it when I'm irrational. And as irrational as it is, I can't get it out of my head. I dreamed about it last night. How stupid is that? Okay....semester tests today so I'll be online quite a bit today. I have to sit very quiet and still. So I'll correct tests but other than that, surf the net. Have a great day 7's. See you in a bit.

Good evening 7's!!!! Hope you are all having a great weekend. DH and I had a funeral this morning and then when I came home I wasn't feeling well so I spent some time on th couch. Now that I'm feeling a little more human we are going on a motorcycle ride. I'm trying to decide if I'm up to driving tomorrow on our 150 mile loop. I am afraid I won't enjoy riding behind him for that long but not sure I'm up for the drive. I just don't know. Tomorrow is graduation and then semester test time. I'm going to be out of my classroom on Thursday so that PeeWee Herman can move in. I hope he enjoys it. Wednesday I am hosting a bbq at my house for any of my students and the faculty that want to come. I said I would supply burgers and dogs and they could bring everything else. I doubt there will be too many but who knows. The might surprise me. Well...sounds like DH is firing up his bike. I better run. Have a great night and enjoy the rest of the weekend.

I agree with Peaches. You are now a luxury model!!! A sports coupe per se. I know you don't like to put "garbage" in but have you tried the protein powder stuff to add to things. body builders use it so it can't be too awful??? Another thought I had was what about adding juices to your liquid side? Drinking a couple v8's or something might be easier than eating even MORE food. I don't have ideas for calorie dense foods though. If I think of something I'll mention it. Everything I come up with seems to be milk based or bad for us stuff. I'll keep thinking though... Okay, back to the muck out of the classroom. I have collected way too much stuff to have only been here 6 years. I have a good 3 car loads to take out of here. And I'm not leaving a damned thing for snot-nose. He gets the furniture!

Morning all. Just a quick check in. I've been busy busy this morning and have a ton more to do. I will check in and out. Janet, I would be lost without my laptop. It is like an extension of my body. I can't watch tv without it (my adhd). It sits on my desk, it sits on my lap. I don't even go to the den to do any work. It is where ever I am. Phyl, getting back up and running is such a pain in the butt. I spilled coffee in mine last year and was without for about 2 weeks. We bought a external thing to read my old laptop's drive and transferred that way. It was SOOOO much easier. Karri, you didn't check in. Hope the kids didn't suck you back into their pit of life drain. They can do that you know! Especially at this time of year. Hope your training is going well. Peaches, we missed you. Glad you checked back in. Linda, can I come too???? I'll just call you calgon. Take me away!!!! Okay. I'd better run. Lots to do. Hope your water intake is going well!

Good afternoon ladies. The stress of the year is making me crack. I want to strangle most of the kids and those I don't want to strangle I want to do worse to. I have semesters to write, papers to grade, reviews to build, and I don't want to do any of it. I missed my son's spring concert today because there was no way I could get out of school for it. My mom is leaving tomorrow and I should go home and spend the evening with her instead of here but I really do need to stay. And the sweets are getting the better of me. I will walk tonight and work off the calories and stay under for the total, but honestly once I let it touch my lips I'm sunk for awhile. My willpower goes out the window. I have to crack down and get back on track. It's crazy because I've been getting tons of complements this week and I feel great, and I fit into smaller sizes and I love all of that....and still I sabotage myself. How stupid is that? I need to really sit down and think about why I'm doing this and get a grip on it, but right now I need to do 8 other things to. grrrr....and still here I sit typing this out instead of getting some of that done. How stupid is that? Okay....logging off until late tonight. I hope you all got your water in today. Water patrol does NOT want to have to start writing tickets. I have too much to do. Take that off my hands and behave yourselves please.

Are things starting to feel better by now? What a horrible ordeal to have to go through. I hope your next months go much easier on you.

Do you feel like you need a fill? Are your portions staying under a cup? How's your Water intake? I know you said you are doing it all right, but we'd sure love to help. Have you tried tracking your intake on a tracker like dailyplate.com ? It helped me a ton to see where I was putting all my calories and at the end of the day where they actually added up. It also helped motivate me to start walking. What does your team say about your loss? Are they any help at all? Sure would like to help you. Let us know what we can do.

I had another fill yesterday. PA seemed amazed that I wasn't getting stuck or having trouble with any food. She said I must be following the rules pretty well because most people would be having problems. I think she's crazy, but okay.... I'm down another 6 pounds last month and I won't be going back for 2 months. I'm down to medium tops and size 14ish pants. I'm also only 5 pounds shy of being overweight! I can't wait!!!!! By the end of the month I'm going to be "just fat!"

Hi all. Completely un-lapband-related rant!!!! I hate my replacement!!!! He's an @$$!!! How dare he come into my classroom and act like what I'm doing is not right? Who the h-e-double hockeysticks does this boy think he is? He graduated from college LAST WEEK!!!! Tell me how my classroom could run better. Tell me how he is going to change this that and the other thing because it would be much more efficient. Ask me how soon I can be out of my classroom! Tell me that kids these days need to know technology and how important it is. Quiz me over the math I know! Who the @#$% does he think he is?????? He subbed for me yesterday and didn't correct a bleaping thing. Even after I set out the answer keys and told him how to do it. Just leaves a freaking stack for me to correct. And then when I say something about hating correcting papers he tells me that I should be thankful I'm in a small school then because if I wasn't..... Uh....HE JUST GOT HIS FREAKING DEGREE LAST WEEK! HE ISN'T EVEN FLIPPING CERTIFIED YET!!!! Okay...don't get me wrong. I am not the best teacher in the world. I have a lot to learn and daily tell myself what I can do better. But to have some snot nosed, still wet behind the ears, lives at home and his mommy cooks him dinner, wears his jeans like a16 year old hanging down to his knees, boy tell me what I'm doing wrong is just insulting! Kids these days really need to learn their place. I want to cry. I want to shoot him. I want to pee in all the corners of my classroom so he knows it's MY territory. I want to eat a great big tub of frosting. Sugar it out of me. However, I have a bunch of grading to do and 5 semester tests to write, so I will just sit here and fume. Someone just shoot me!!!!