Twilight

Hi ladies. I'm better. .... Or rather, I'm finished. Not feeling so hot. I think I may have gotten sun stroke yesterday. By the end of the day any exhertion made me nausous. Today, any activity at all makes me want to hurl. go figure.....me...hurling? Like that never happens :confused: Okay. Pink ribbon is over and it wasn't as great as I had hoped. It was really windy and hot and buggy out so the ride wasn't so great. I stayed behind to get the carnival and food taken care of. So I ran my butt off all day. Not as good turn out as I had hoped for....oh well. I'm not going to stress out about it. I'm going to count money tomorrow and hope I broke even. I don't think I made anything for the PRR. May ask my bike club to donate. We are non-profit so I think there are funds that we need to spend. We'll see. Karla, I got on the scale the day I said I was going to. It was 176. I will get back on tomorrow and report my number. Food has been pretty good for me this week. Only one binging evening when I went to the drive in. Jeff wants to go tonight to see Salt, but who knows. We are both pretty wiped out. I also have been chugging Water all day trying to rehydrate from the sunstroke. We'll see what the numbers say tomorrow. Karri! I love you! I sure hope you get some results with your time relaxing. I promise, you can always come here and I'll try to take care of you :scared2: There's no stress in my life, right? :crying: Candice, Peter is so cute. At least he took care of the ice for you. I know you told him you would buy it, and he didn't agree, so he dealt with it. And now, one less thing on your plate. I LOVE it! Alright ladies. As promised. I will slow down for a little bit. I will be doing a few things but nothing this stressful for a while. Love you all so much. You worry too much about me I'm going to be alright. Talk to you later. Have a great Sunday.

Quick driveby May not be online for the next 48 hours. it's pink ribbon time! Hard to believe it is here and I haven't panicked yet. But...the next 24 hours will probably be insane. I don't have all the people coming to help that I had hoped but it will be enough. I haven't gotten a lot of replies on my emails from bikers...but it will be enough. I'm still waiting on my doo rags, but if they don't come, something will work out. I refuse to panic. Okay...so...I refuse to curl up in a puddle because of the stress. That's more like it. Anyways....thanks for your offers to help ladies. You have no idea how much I wish you lived closer. Pink Ribbon being the least of the reason :biggrin: Anyways....you'll be tons of pink ribbon help in November when you show up to cheer me on. I love the idea of see you guys then. Okay...got too much to do to sit here. Love you ladies.

This is a little scary!!! I'll try not to worry but it's a little freakish! News : Arizona fugitive may have ties to Sidney : Sidney Herald, Sidney, Montana

Hi ladies. Tough week. I swear, life around here never seems to get any easier. There have been some tough stuff happenings with Michael while we were gone. I guess the Sherrif was over at our house 3 times while we were away...even though Michael was staying with another adult. Craziness that I really don't think Michael did and some girls are involved in making false reports. Anyways....he's been served with a restraining order...stupidity for stupid things that I'm almost positive he didn't do. Waited around Monday for someone to come here and tell us what the hell was going on and no one came. So yesterday morning we called a lawyer and then went to see the judge and the sherriff to see if we could come up with some answers. Sheriff said he would have his officer come over last night to explain things and show me the "evidence" so waited all night and no one showed up. Gave sheriff a call when we read Michael's texts where one of the girls involved said she had the "original" note that caused all this mess....and still....no one showed up. So frustrating. Anyways, that was my headache yesterday. Today, pink ribbon stuff. Was on the radio live for about 3 minutes. Scary! I'm sure I sounded like an idiot....but good advertising. Everything is coming together, but that stress caused an excruciating migraine. I was in bed for the last 3 hours and finally the light isn't killing me so I'm sitting here quietly trying to feel human again. Had some very strange dreams while I was resting with my migraine. Woke up and couldn't remember how long my dad had been dead because I was sure these dreams were so real. Scary! Tomorrow is therapy and final Pink Shopping...and then Friday is cooking for rally day. Saturday craziness and then I can sit back and breath a little easier. I'll be back in a bit. Time to rest my eyes again. Love you ladies!

Hi ladies! I'm home! It was an absolutely crazy weekend. I've never worked so hard in my life. I must have stirred that kettle 100 or more times. I really wanted to lay down and cry. It was very very hard and I'm paying for it today. I have zero energy and zero ambition. I've given myself permission to be a bump on a log today and tomorrow I will buck up and get busy. I didn't know I could pop that much corn or make that much money in a weekend. My sister owned a restaraunt and she used to complain about how crazy it was when she had a $500 day. I helped her sometimes and that WAS crazy. So...Thursday night from 6-11 we made a little more than $400. Than Friday....honest, we sold over $1300. Saturday was another $1000 and then yesterday was almost $700. It was crazy! I can't believe how crazy! Unless you have watched it made you wouldn't understand....but that's a LOT of freaking corn! Food wasn't great but wasn't horrible either. I had planned on having the motor home there so I could go back and eat there. Well, as it turned out, we moved the motor home to a campground so we were forced to eat "fair food." Jeff would go buy a brat and I would have a couple of bites. He'd go buy ribbon fries and I'd eat 1/3. I worked really hard on staying hydrated and not indulging too much. Have to admit though, the cotton candy booth was next door and I ate one stick Fri and another Sat. I think if it was down the road I could have stayed strong, but then again, maybe not. That smell was driving me to distraction all freaking day! Then I'd get really tired by about 930 and my will power would give out....so....I know that cotton candy is definitely one I don't have ANY power over. Or at least one that can overpower all my good intentions. So...today....rest. Tomorrow, balls to the walls for pink ribbon event. Next week, school starts and no more committments for quite a while. So yes...I'm slowing down. Trust me! Phyl, I wish I would have seen you were going to be in Glendive earlier. I would have planned on coming down to see you. It really isn't too far. Just 3 hours or so. But, I have big plans to get done tomorrow and Wednesday so I guess it's a no go. When you come next time I will definitely make it. Jeff really wants to meet you guys. Linda, when I went to Women of Faith I listened to a really good speaker about just what you were talking about. His name was Marcus someone.....he really spoke to my heart and made me look at things differently. Look into the WoF website and look him up. He might put things in a great perspective for you. Karla, love you! Congrats on your new low!!!! How exciting is THAT? I need to step on the scale but I've been avoiding it like the plague. Imagine THAT! Okay. No more procrastinating. Tomorrow morning I'll get on and POST MY NUMBER! I'll need your guys' help to keep me focused on me and get those numbers down where they should be. I'm counting on you Karla. Gonna run and play with nick for a bit. Love you ladies!

Hey there ladies! Wonderful news! I don't have to go to Glendive to set up popcorn until TOMORROW!! I'm so excited. That gives me one more day to work on house and laundry and pink ribbon rally stuff. That lets me breath a little easier. I know you all think that I take too much on and should slow the heck down. I met a lady that has a LOT of the same issues I do. bipolar, depression, adhd, anxiety. She totally got it! She said, "if you don't stay over busy and feel overwhelmed by it, you put everything off until it's too late, feel like a failure, and then you don't even get outta bed in the morning." EXACTLY. If I didn't have 1000 things to do today, I would put the 4 things off and get NONE done and then spend the day beating myself up over it. If I keep trying to get the 1000 things done, I'm too busy to get down and at that end of the day I can look back and feel like I got something completed. Hard to understand if you aren't in my skin. Okay. Taking kids to daycare and then PRR stuff. Talk to you later ladies. Love you!

Oh Phyl!!! It's okay if you cry and whine! We don't like that you're in pain (emotionally) but it's okay if you feel the need to whine! I remember that frustration about being in pain and no one listening and going to 3 different docs and them all treating me like I was nuts. I remember thinking that I was ALWAYS going to hurt and that no one cared. It made the pain worse it seemed like. Not only did my back hurt and my head hurt but so did my heart! Whine away! I would suggest accupuncture. I didn't go and didn't go and didn't go but when I finally gave in, I did find some release. It only takes 45 minutes and many many chiropractors are trained in it. It really was less uncomfortable than the tENS machine....but similar feeling. If you don't get something done, you're not going to enjoy your trip in the least! And by Sept. you might be losing your mind. Wipe your tears lady. We hear you! We love you! We are listening. Don't feel bad about sharing the burden of your hurts! That's why we are here. Love you!

Hi girls. I'm home. I had to read 3 pages and only have today to catch up on everything...including house stuff, so don't panic when you don't hear from me again until Monday. I'm alive, just busy. I was at my teacher thing. It went alright, not great. There was one guy there that was just an @$$ and finally, during the 3rd time I was presenting, I lost it. I asked the group as a whole what I was doing wrong that they thought it was okay to attack me when they didn't treat any of the other presenters that way. Of course, most knew what/who I was talking about and by the time they came up after my lesson I had cooled off, but then I was embarassed about my outburst. I left with my tail between my legs and that's the last impression most will have of me. I'm a little upset by that, but....letting it go. Home yesterday....left MLC at 12, left Helena at 130, home a/b 1130. Very very long day and I'm beat, but have a million things to do today for pink ribbon rally as well as getting ready to go pop corn tomorrow afternoon. However, I'm taking the morning for me. took kids to daycare and now I'm doing this. I need this me time. Candice, you little flirt! I'm surprised that Peter didn't get jealous and come to his senses. He should. He's got a hot momma and needs to realize it Janet, the bangs are AWESOME! You do look like Candice a bit now. Phyl, you have a million things happening in your world. Crazy! I thought retirement was supposed to be relaxing? Karla, go out and party more often. It's good for you! Just take it slow with the guys. Start as friends and see if it blossoms. Remember, Jeff and I went out for 2 months before he even held my hand. It was over 6 months...probably closer to a year before it ever got to the bedroom. It was weird...but amazing. okay....finishing a show and then shower...I'll see you ladies later. Love you!

Candice, Just my opinion..... It's not your place to play ref between the couples. They are your dear friends and they should be able to put their differences aside for the evening to celebrate Peter. It sounds like there are enough people there that they will not have to interact that much. And they are grown adults. They can be civil to each other. If they can't handle it, they can excuse themselves politely and leave. If one starts to make a scene, remind them that his is PETER'S day and that he loves them but would rather the drama is taken elsewhere. Goodby, end of story. That's how I would handle it.

Just saw this yummy recipe on FB. I think you could cut down the cheese a LOT and lower the cals. Use I can't believe it's not butter instead of the butter and low carb tortillas. Someone do the calculations if you want, I just like the look of it. Simple, yummy, grilled pineapple....Don't know what I could do to the chicken to make it easier to go down but I'll think about it. There's gotta be something. Chicken-Pineapple Quesadillas Ingredients · 8 whole Flour Tortillas · Butter Or Margarine · 2 cups Grilled Pineapple, Sliced · 3 whole Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breasts · Salt And Pepper, to taste · 3 cups Monterey Jack Cheese, Grated · 1 whole Jalapeno, Sliced · Cilantro · 3 Tablespoons Barbecue Sauce Preparation Instructions (To grill pineapple: cut wedges, stick on skewers, and grill over low heat. Cut into slices.) (To pound chicken, place inside a Ziploc bag and pound with a mallet or large can to flatten to uniform thickness.) Sprinkle with salt and pepper and Cajun spice (or cumin/cayenne, etc.) Drizzle olive oil on a grill pan and grill on both sides until done, brushing with barbecue sauce. Set aside and slice into very thin slices. Warm griddle over medium heat and put sizzling butter or margarine in the pan. Slightly warm and toast tortillas on both sides, then remove from griddle and set aside. To assemble, sprinkle four browned tortillas with grated Monterey Jack. Arrange chicken slices evenly over the surface. Add pineapple slices and jalapeno slices. Sprinkle on cilantro. If desired, drizzle extra barbecue sauce over the top. Add second browned tortilla on top of each one. (You’ll have four complete quesadillas at this point.) Add to oven to warm, or back to skillet to warm, until cheese is melted. Cut each quesadilla into eight wedges. Serve with sour cream, pico de gallo, and lime wedges

Alright ladies. I will try to catch you all up on my world. It's going to be a crazy 2 weeks so I need to get a lot done. It was fair weekend so that meant set up on Wed night Thurs morning. I had only planned on doing kettle corn stuff and then thought I needed to plug my pink ribbon stuff so called and asked for a spot to set THAT up. got it and then had to scramble to figure out what I wanted to do there. Why do things seem like such a good idea until you get into the details...and why do I commit myself before I get into the details and find out it's a bad idea? Weird huh? Then popped corn Thur-Sat. Ugly storms all weekend but the worst was Saturday. We got emergency tore down but that made Sunday tear down horrible because everything was filthy and we were tired and grumpy and it took almost 3 times as long to do it. I hate that part. As I said, food wasn't great, but what fair food is? I did 2 walking tacos and then Sat. I went to have 4-h plate lunch of roast beef sand and beans. Well... they were out of most everything so I ended up having the inside meat of a sloppy joe (which they call slushburger around here) and a piece of pie. I have to say I did amazing on my liquids being as it was so freaking hot! Calories were fine, just quality of food wasn't. I have another fair to go to out of town and will stock the motorhome with better choices, but the problem is getting to them. I'll make sure to get something good for breakfast, but after that it's a crapshoot. Today, doing aftermath stuff. Laundry, deposits, ordering supplies, all that stuff. I'm very tired and run down. I have to leave here on Thursday to go see our counselor. I did make an appointment just for me in the morning and for the family in the afternoon. I'm going to bring up the food stuff. We have worked for 6 months on my social anxiety and parenting issues. It's time to talk about my "other" life. Then on Friday I go to western MT for my teacher stuff for the weekend. I have one more lesson plan to be worked out before I leave, and then when I get back its off to the other fair. Then....5 days to breath and Pink Ribbon Rally. But after that...school is in and I slow WAY DOWN! I'm pretty excited about that. Okay...off to order supplies. Later ladies. I love you!

Fly by. It's been a crazy few days and I am exhausted. Ended last night with a horrific storm. Thankfully no tornadoes. Had to do a hurry up job of shutting down last night and a little more work because we were a little worried about our equipment blowing down and getting ruined. By the time we were done with tear down it was pouring and blowing and miserable. We sat it out in the motor home for about 1/2 hour and then Jeff when and pulled the cord to the motorhome and we drove it home. That was NOT the plan. Exhausted today. Going to relax today, but tomorrow I have to hit the ground running. Putting labels on bags, but that is IT today! So...I'll be on later tonight ladies, but wanted you to know I'm around. Oh...food??? It was fair food...what can I say? Not great! However, I worked really hard on limiting the amount since I couldn't limit the "goodness". There was no time for me to shop and cook and take good stuff. That's a whole other issue. Gotta run. Talk to you later!

Okay...I don't have time to read this right now. Want to, need to, but want to say something to Candice and then HAVE to get out to kettle corn. Ladies! I love you all...but this one is for Candice. I'm not singling her out for anything but THIS MESSAGE!!! Candice, this might all have been said already, but I'm going to say it too. I love you darling. You are the most splendid woman I have ever met. Being with you makes me feel special and alive and amazing in a way I don't feel with my other friends. Jeff loved you. My kids thought you the best! I sobbed for 1/2 hour after you left here and another 1/2 hour after you left the beach house because I miss you so much when you are not with me. We spent so little time together, but you make it amazing. I want you to know how much you are special!!! Control? I get that! I have other control issues. My kids don't listen (take my control away from me), my husband doesn't let me finish something I'm trying to do because I'm not doing it fast enough (takes the tools outta my hands), they don't eat what I cook (taking what I control and make it feel bad), make me feel guilty when I do something for me (control again). I know how crazy that makes me feel. I never thought of it as why I overeat though....but here's the crazy part. When I'm controlling what I'm putting in my mouth, I'm putting crap in and that makes me feel outta control too! It's like I don't even have control of that part. It's like I'm punishing myself for letting others control me and so I'm proving to myself that when I'm in control of THIS one thing that is all "up to me" I can't even handle that and so it's proof that I deserve all the rest of the crap! I am not worthy of the control. The one step I took control of, my band, I'm flicking up and so, once again, proof that anything I try to control I can't....and therefor, when everyone else takes control, I deserve it! Stupid right? But that's my life. I get it. we are sick. very very sick. They have hospitalizations for anorexics and bulemics because they need the mental help to fix all these thoughts...but us? we're just fat. we're just doing it to ourselves. we could stop if we wanted to. anorexia and bulimia can kill a person, they NEED the help. Does any of this crap make sense? are you kidding me? and feeding myself to death isn't killing me? ahhhhh!!!!! I want to scream. I don't have any answers darling, I just want you to know I am so there with you and what you said hit a really tender spot. I don't want you to hurt in any way because I'm a little protective of you because you are such an amazing woman and I want to hurt anyone who hurts you. I don't know what it is about you and our relationship but it's very special to me....and I'm fighting mad that someone is hurting you! We need to talk more about this, but I'm already late getting out to the fair. I will hopefully have a chance to catch up to this later.....We really do need to talk! I'm babbling and I don't have time to put this in more coherent order. Just hug yourself for me please. and YOU control how long and how tight I squeeze. Really!!! Put your arms around yourself, cry if you want to, and hold on. If I was there, I would be. And don't stop until YOU are ready to! Tell your friend Michelle thank you for putting a new light on my actions. I think it's something I'm going to need to talk to my counselor about. I'm going to call and make an appointment. Gotta scoot, but love you!

Okay ladies. Probably my last post until Sunday night. It's a crazy weekend. I've got 2 more things until I can call it a night tonight...love you!!

Hi ladies! Janet, I think I missed something. Where is it that Candice is eating crap? I've been reading all about her exercise and great stuff, but maybe I missed something. I was looking at the recipe she posted thinking it sounded great....the family would eat the pasta as I can't, and the nutrition info looked positive. Share with me, please before I make em. Candice, what are Aunt Flo beans....good for easing discomfort during Aunt Flo's visit, or you really have an Aunt Flo? I love beans but family doesn't so much. As far as San Diego, the girls were talking about coming over during my 3 day walk and be walker stalkers. Jeff and I are then talking about going on a cruise right after. You and Peter could join us! It could be a mini 7's reunion. 3 days in San Diego, Jeff will need someone to pal around with while all that estrogen is out and about. Earl, Peter, and Jeff...now THAT is a fun thought. Remember, it's the weekend before Thanksgiving (ours) and then we are cruising out of L.A. on a 4 day which means we will get off the boat on Thanksgiving day. Okay. I LOVE that idea! Ladies? San Diego in November....any of you that can make it. I think it would be amazing! Let's see...what else was I going to say. hmmmmm. I forget. I might be back when I remember. Love you ladies!

Phyl, I don't know if you know this, but baby cows have a time of day that they just start running and jumping and chasing each other. It's just about dark, depending on what time that is. It's like recess time on the playground. I think Zoey must be part cow dog :scared2: Wonder what she would do if you started to moo at her. Went to toy story 3 tonight. Stupid movie made me cry. How dumb is that???? Things aren't going smoothly around here in any fashion. Pink ribbon is frustrating, but I'm faking it until I make it. It will work out. I know it will! Michael is turning into a little prick! I'm ready to throw him out...but then he got mad tonight and went to the sheriff and told him I DID kick him out....who then called the county family services who told him that I CAN'T kick him out (but I didn't) and now has to have a home visit with me because he said I threw him out and the sheriff called her before calling me. When he called me and I explained what happened and he went to Michael with my side, Michael said, yes, that is what happened and he "messed up." R U KIDDING ME? Messed up? If that isn't the under statement. Anyways.....stress is up, which means that any freedom I had in my band is gone. frizzle frazzle fluffybump! Food sucks, exercise sucks, attitude sucks....but going to stay positive. Oh...and thanks you guys for the kind thoughts and prayers. This area has been rocked by tragedy all year. Started with a couple of suicides, then a murder suicide, 2 car accidents, now 2 tornadoes. That may seem like not that much but when the county only has maybe 3000 people total...it's been a rough 6 months. We need some good news! Anyways. I'll see you tomorrow. Just wanted to pop in.

good morning ladies. Just a flyby! busy getting pink ribbon stuff lined up. It is shaping up to be something special. I'll share more about that later. There were a couple of tornados up here last night. 2 died. Very sad and unusual for our area. That makes 3 deaths in the area in the last couple of months from horrible weather. So sad for our community. gotta run. Have extra kid today. See you!

Hi ladies. Drive by post. In Great Falls, on my way to Lincoln for nephew's wedding tomorrow evening. Then driving home on Saturday. Long 1000 miles in less than 72 hours, but I guess.... SIL is with me. She's been pretty positive so far. I'm keeping myself as positive as I can. Jeff and I did counseling together today, no Michael. I think it helped both of us a lot I know I got stuff out of it. Jeff said he did. Now if he puts it into practice. I know I have a hard time making some of the changes she suggests even when they sound like good ideas....so we will see. Keep your fingers crossed for us. Okay...had to drive an extra 100 miles. didn't leave P'wood until after 5pm. Was planning on stopping in Havre but fair in town so had to drive an extra 110. Only 90 more miles to Mom's but I'm beat. I'm tired and need to sleep. Talk to you soon ladies. Love you!

Hi ladies. Hope you are having a good day! I'm feeling a little better today. I finally had my say with Jeff last night. I told him that, as my husband, I expect him to be my greatest cheerleader, my strongest advocate, my protector. When people hurt me I need him to stand up for me and tell me how horrible they are and how wrong they are and how awful they are. I need him to wrap his arms around me and make me feel better. I need him to be someone I can depend on. I think he "got" it, but I don't think it's going to make a huge difference. Tomorrow we have family therapy and I'm going to talk to him about just him and I going. I think maybe both of us would benefit from some help in this area. So...today is better. I have a horrible rash/pain under my left breast. it's below my bra line and above my port. It's making me crazy. It doesn't really hurt or itch or anything...it just makes me crazy. I've put anti-itch stuff on it. No real change. I covered it with some gauze to keep things from rubbing against it. I can't really explain the feeling. All I can say is it is annoying to the point of distraction. I have to get some work done. The guy who heads up my summer programs that I've been doing the last 5 years just emailed me a few days ago and asked me to do it again this year. I'm honored that I've been selected, but he drives me crazy that he only gives me 2 weeks notice. I don't know if he thinks I can just pull these lessons out of my butt or what! Anyways. I have a lot of prep to get done if I'm going to do it well....so. I'm off like a prom dress! Love you girls!

Let me try that again!!! Phyl, you're the best. I needed that smile. I love you for it! I know I said I would quit bitching but this one just makes me crazy now !!!! Last night, when Jeff came home from his parent's house, I asked if he had said anything to his dad. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "No." Okay....deep sigh. Oh well...what do I expect? So, about 1/2 hour ago, his dad comes over and says, "Jeff says you're upset with me and I need to come talk to you." To which I replied, "Yes, I'm a little hurt." To which HE says, "Well, Steph, I don't know what to say besides you're going to have to get over it." THAT WAS HIS APOLOGY???? GET OVER IT???? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???? Then he completely changed the subject and I just sat there uh huh ing and trying to hold my temper and my tears. So he gets up to leave and brings it up again. Again saying, "I don't know what to say Stephanie, except you're going to have to deal with it because that is just how I do things." To which I said, "There are a lot of teasing matters, but finding a girlfriend to take care of Jeff because I'm not doing the job is out of line." and he just says, "I don't think so, you're going to have to get over it." Who the hell does this man think he is? Come in my house and tell me to deal with it? Get the hell out! But no, I can't say that. I can't stand up for myself. I can't get in his face. He's my FIL. I must show restraint. I don't want to cause problems. He's Jeff's dad. I don't have the right to yell at him. Are you kidding me? I want to scream and yell and punch things. Instead, he walks away thinking it's been "handled". AHHHHHRRRGGGG!!!!! I am going to explode!!!

Okay ladies. Obviously the week after my friend TOM is here is my week to get all emotionally broken down. I'm going to rant here and then turn it loose. I just need the people closest to me to hear me and that is you! I don't need advice, I don't need help, I just need to be heard. I love you ladies. Okay...so I'm falling apart. I've given you the whole Jeff lowdown and yes, he's a man, and he's clueless, but I told him exactly what I needed to hear from him. "I love you." "You matter most to me." "My dad is an ass and I'm mad at him too." "I would never find someone else." And he says to me, "well now that you said that, I can't say it because it wouldn't mean anything." WTF!!!! are you kidding me? So instead, we ignore that I'm upset. We pretend that nothing is wrong. I brought it up again last night. He sat there, looking at me for about 2 minutes in complete silence. Finally I just walked away. Now...when I got back from vacation his aunt came over and asked me if I would let her help me clean my house because she has "too much time on her hands." Well that killed me. But I sucked it up and said I would appreciate it but it killed me inside. I know this family. The discussion will be all through the phone tree what she did and how hard she worked and she's 70 years old and shame on me. but if I would have said no, that would be rude too. So...I said yes, thank you. Well...I told Jeff about it and he said, "I'll help you get started and then it won't be bad. We just need to all pitch in." Okay. Well...that was 3 days ago and nothing. Not one mention of pitching in. So, today she shows up and the house is a disaster and I'm humiliated and no one cares but me. She's a dear dear woman. i love her with all my heart, but the anxiety in me now is pulling me apart. My heart feels like it's about to beat outta my chest. I want to go take a couple of xanax to calm down but know they will put me to sleep and then she'll be back tomorrow and it will still be a disaster and it will all just continue. I'm a wreck! Jeff doesn't get it. Kids were monsters while she was here. Michael pulled a few nasties on me. Then, last night not one of the 10 women that I had contacted about my pink ribbon rally meeting showed up. NOT ONE! They all thought it was wonderful, "call me" "I want to help" "don't forget to give me a jingle". No one! I could see a few not coming but all 10? Really? Now, that makes this pink ribbon thing hard but what is worse...and a lot worse...is that social anxiety thing again. I have a hard enough time putting myself out there like that. It takes all I have to organize something like that. My number one fear is that no one will show...and guess what??? No one did!!!! I can come up with a million reasons why that make sense and have nothing to do with me personally but the voice in my head...that fat worthless whiny bitch voice....keeps telling me "I told ya so. I told ya. You're not worth it. You suck." I keep telling her to shut up but she's like a bad penny....she keeps coming back. So...I've been cleaning kitchen and downstairs. I'll keep busy because then the voice stays away a little bit. and I'll suck it up and move on. But....it hurts and I hate it. Okay.....moaning, whining, bitching done! I'm a big girl and I didn't get where I am today by being a milksop! so...deep breath. I WILL overcome all of this! I AM strong. I AM worth it. I CAN do it and I don't NEED anyone to help me succeed. I would like them, but I am ENOUGH!!! I love you girls. Like I said, I just needed to say it and be heard. When Jai lays down for her nap, xanax will come out and I'll lay back with my stress cd's and deal!

Hi ladies. Karla, call mom, 406-362-4666 and have her check on the sewing machine. If you have 3 days and it's there, maybe you can take a drive up there and pick it up. If she isn't home, leave a message. If you don't hear from her let me know. I'm making a flying trip out there this weekend for Jonathan's wedding. Driving out Friday morning, driving home Saturday. Won't have time to think, let alone check on machine. Phyl, she will only be a puppy for so long. Enjoy it while it lasts. That energy is amazing. It's like having a baby all over again, but not nearly as needy. She has really been good for you. I hear it in your messages how happy you are. I see the smile on your face everytime you talk about walking with her. You sound so positive these days. I LOVE IT! Yesterday...what happened yesterday???? Oh. Church twice. I really have missed that second church. Jeff was out at the farm and he really needed to hear this sermon. It was AWESOME. It was about marriage and it really spoke to me. I think it really could have been a positive for us. I'm going to see if it is online because I really would like Jeff to hear it. After that I went out to the farm. Jeff's sis was out there. I've told you how horrible she is and how I keep trying and trying to woo her. Well...I did it again. I invited her to drive out to Lincoln with me. I don't know what came over me. I really do want her to like me. I want to like her. I keep thinking that if I keep trying, something will happen. Well, she said she would see if she could get Friday off of work so I might have ruined THAT trip. Not ruined but now that I think about it, I don't think it was a very smart idea. Imagine that. I act first and think later. After that, when Jeff and his dad came in, his dad made an assinine comment about finding Jeff a girlfriend since I'm never home. I gave him some dirty look and told him that was enough and he just kept on and on. I looked at Jeff like, "are you going to do something about this?" and he said nothing. I all but told Dale to shut the hell up...but he's my FIL and I can't talk to my elders like that so I excused myself, got kids ready and then left. Jeff came home and we had a blow up because of it. I told him that I didn't appreciate him not sticking up for me. He asked me if he thought it was okay for him to tell his dad to shut up. I said, "No, but a simple, 'Dad, Stephanie is a great wife and I have no desire to have anyone take her place.'" would have sufficed. He just looked at me like I had two heads. I told him I didn't appreciate that he never sticks up for me. He never is my champion. It kills me. I hate it. Well...he didn't seem to care that I was sitting there in tears. with a roll of his eyes and "sorry" it was over. I wanted to kick him. I wanted to scream and yell and show him how hurt and angry I was....but no. Just sat there. Hurt....and that was the end of it. So...yesterday sucked eggs after noon. Today...hopefully better. I have a ton to do and a haircut at 2. May go to the massage bed. Pink ribbon organization meeting tonight. Friend just FB'd me asking if we were walking tonight so after that I'll go walking for a couple of hours. It should be a much better day. Love you ladies. Sorry for the vent but I think you know that I just have to get it out before I explode and then I calm right the hell down. You're all so good for that. Karla, Janet...there is really good stuff about being single. I may come join you one of these days.

Janet, do I have to admit what a walking taco is? Okay. I'll tell, but remember that the other choices were....funnel cake, corn dogs, chicken strips and fries, and a bunch of other fried foods. ... To make a walking taco.... cut a lunch size bag of doritos down the side add a handful of lettuce, some tomatoes, onions a scoop of taco meat put on a couple table spoons shredded cheese. Garnish with your favorite taco toppings. I put on salsa only instead of the guac, s.cream Stir it up and eat it. I can't eat a whole one. I usually eat all the veggies and 1/2 the meat and some of the chips. Jeff usually gets the rest. I don't even WANT to know the calorie content. On a positive note, pre-band I could eat 2 whole. Now, not even 1.

Okay...I actually measured everything I put in my smoothie... yogurt 130 cals, 12g protien 1 c frozen fruit, 70 cals 2tbs rasp puree 20 cals (strained rasp only) 1/2 c v8 fusion light 25 cals 1/4 c sf creamer 60 cals So, for 305 cals I get 2 servings fruit and 12g protien. I just saw a commercial for special k protien shakes that reminded me that I used to use THAT instead of creamer and that might be a good trade off for me. I forgot all about it. I could add protein and lose cals, but for 300 cal meal, that's not too bad.

I'm back ladies! Not as long of a ride as I had planned, but the wind made us rethink our original plans. Candice, thanks for the chx salad info. I think I will try it with home cooked chicken. I wonder how it changes with thighs instead of breasts? I know they aren't as good for me, but I can usually eat the dark and rarely the white. You are very right about the "real food" comments. So here is my question. I am willing to get rid of the coffeemate creamer if I can find something "creamy" to replace it with. I've tried making my smoothies with skim milk and just don't like the consistancy. Janet...toot toot toot! You need to do that for yourself! You deserve to be proud of yourself. You've earned every single bit of it! Phyl, Zoey's haircut story was too funny. Banned from Petco? How could one little itty bitty darling cause enough mayhem to be banned? It's not like she's a pitbull. Anyways...I agree with others. Find a personal groomer that does it quietly, one groomer, one dog at a time. See if you can get her brushed by the groomer once or twice before you take her back for a bath and brush before you take her back for a bath, cut, and brush. It might be a little pricey but you'll have found someone you trust with your dog and Zoey will be much calmer. My SIL''s dog just about goes out of his mind with excitement if you even say the groomer's name. He loves her THAT much. Mine, not as much, but they are good. Oh...and I think the 5 day pouch test is a good idea. I go to Lincoln on Thurs or Fri so it would be good to be back on the right path before that roadtrip. Karla, glad the puppy is doing well. I hope you cool off enough to eat something. Okay...food today.... smoothie this morning, a couple of diet sodas on the road, a "walkin taco" ...or 1/2 of one...for lunch (best of all available choices), and then walleye and calimari for dinner. I'm really tired so hopefully I will go to bed before the munchies hit. If they do, I'll probably mix up some sort of smoothie. I'll try it with more juice, no creamer (just for you Candice:tt2:) Night ladies. Love you all.