Twilight

oops forgot. Who wasn't sleeping??? utube guided imagery and look for one that is very very soothing for you. It worked wonders for me more than anything, even sleeping pills. The effects have lasted for days!!!!

Okay ladies. This is a fly by. I finally got caught up on the reading and I have a ton to say, but it was enough to read it all. i will try to pop in tomorrow. Phyl, you look so beautiful! I can't imagine the transformation you have undergone. You glow! Love you! Candice, computer problems suck. Glad you got them fixed. Janet, have I told you lately how special I think you are. You are such an inspiration and always care about each and every one of us. Thank you for being you! Karla, you know where you can store ANYTHING! I'm pretty sure there is space for everything you own in mom's basement now. So don't you dare think about selling your quilting stuff. Just stop it right there! As for the other issues, I wish I had something to offer. Just know I'm thinking of you. NE Montana always needs teachers and lots of these itty bitty districts have teacherages. Outlook I had a 4 bedroom 2 story, for $50 plus utilities. I know it's a long time down the road, but it's a thought. Keep an eye on the OPI site. Okay....me....went to see Michael. It was hard. Had family therapy. Michael blew up and walked out, Jeff and I talked about some ghosts in my closet....then it was over. We talked all the way home which was very nice. We came to some conclusions. It was a hard couple of days. okay...other things but going to put those off until later. I have to leave for my therapy tomorrow morning at 630 so I'm going to call it a night early. Sleep well ladies. Love you all.

Hi ladies. Jeff came home sick yesterday when I was getting ready to sit down and type this, so I didn't get it done. I have a lot to say, so if you'ld rather no deal with it right now...don't worry. I'll never know the difference. Therapy.... We started talking about attachment disorders. She seems to agree, after I described Michael's first few years, that it is entirely possible. Guess what....NO TEARS!! Yeah me. She said that there are definitely different ways of dealing with RAD kids (aka RADishes) that others with other attachment issues and that I need to talk with the people down there for more insight. She told me something that I'm going to need to keep in mind whenever I get down on myself about how things have gone. She said, she could have given me a different child, with the same set of circumstances and he would have bounced back without a problem. It is just a combination of a hard beginning and Michael's brain. She feels certain that if we did brain mapping we would see some misfires and crossed wires. So I need to remember that more than my parenting caused this and to keep it in perspective. It's NOT my fault. I can own that now. Then we talked about me not knowing how to play. We talked a LOT about that. How it makes me feel, why I don't feel like I can let go, and then how to get started. We talked about what I DO right now, like reading, talking about Nick's day, snuggle time with the kids. Then we talked about what I've tried and why it doesn't work. Wii with Nick has not worked because I stress out when he doesn't do it "right". Coloring with the kids and Jai getting all upset about the colors I'm using which drives me crazy. We talked about my anxiety about the "right" way to do things and how I overthink way too much. That I need to let go. She suggested being the follower. Let Jai tell me what to do. Play with the kids by doing exactly what they do. If Jaimi rocks her baby, I rock my baby. If she makes her baby talk, I do to, saying the same thing. I agree, I have to let go of that "not THAT way." feeling. Jaimi and I are going to roll out sugar cookies and use cookie cutters today. That will be my first test. Can I let the imperfect cookies be? Can I let her do it herself. Thinking about it makes my heart race, but I will do it. I have a rubber band around my wrist to snap anytime I catch myself telling Jaimi "not that way!". She did say to not be so hard on myself. I do a lot of the right things right now. I should celebrate the fact that I am playing with the kids. I am talking to the kids. I have a great realtionship with them. And then stop stressing out. We then talked about how to reduce my anxiety. She gave me a cd of guided imagery for me. We did one in her office. It was good. Then last night I looked at some others, but don't know what I want to do about buying some. She gave me one for Nick for him and I to listen to at bedtime. We did one last night. OMG it was fun. He LOVED it. I slept better last night than I have in weeks. I think I need to do one before bed every night. Okay...told you this was long. I learned so much. I just wanted to share. I'll be back later ladies. Love you all!

Good morning girls. Hope you all slept well. I did, but it was the nyquil doing the snoring. Jai is having nightmares. Don't know what that is about but she can't seem to sleep more than a couple of hours. I just don't know what I can do for her to make it better. Maybe just a phase she has to get through. It makes sleeping for me difficult though. Jeff doesn't wake up much and goes right back to snoring within seconds. I'm awake for a half hour at least. Anyways, I'm off to Williston today for parental therapy. I have 2 big things to talk to her about. RAD and my inability to "play". I think this is really going to be important for me with all the kids. I need to be able to play with the little ones and just PLAY and I need to be able to talk to my older one. I just don't relate to the kids. So those are my two big ones. Okay. Have to get Jai off to daycare. Talk to you all later today. Hugs.

Janet, actually the story of Michael's first few years reads like a story of RAD kid. No abuse, but lots of neglect. Michael's dad was/is an alcoholic ass. When we had Michael, I was back to work within 2 weeks because I was out of unemployment benefits. He didn't work and his two older daughters were living with us. it was up to me to cover expenses. I was working an average of 120 hours a week. Scott didn't believe it was his place to "babysit" so Michael had to be in daycare. Except we couldn't afford that but the neighbor woman was home on disability so she watched him. Problem, she was deaf. When I was home I was either sleeping or trying to cope smoking pot. I was hanging by a thread, honestly. At 6 months, my parents came out to Missouri, said "Get your toothbrush, your formula, and get in the car." I did. I can't say much about the next 3 months. I ate, I slept, I roamed around the house, I know I tried to be a mom but I was clueless. After 3 months I sort of snapped out of it. I got a job, went back to school. This was at the time that they started putting time limits on welfare. I had 18 months, period. I went to school, worked when I could, and got my degree. There really wasn't a lot of time for my son. I did what I could. I did the BEST I could. I'm over the guilt, for today. But...what I'm reading about RAD. He's all over that! He has all of the symptoms. I started with just attachment theory. There are 4 types. He was a type 3 baby. Ambivalent/resistant. Yesterday I felt like I had broken my kid. Today, I still feel that way but now, it's a matter of how to make lemonade out of these lemons. It's not hopeless. I have to continue to be strong. Some days I don't have that strength. Today I do. There isn't a book in town on RAD, but my niece, who is in college, gave me her user name and password to invade her college library and read some online books. There are a few I can order. I'm going to wait until after next week when I go to YBGR. Hoping they can give me some resources to look at. Hope that helps. Thanks for the love Janet. I love you so much!

snuggled in for a little bit and dozed, but little girl doesn't understand that she can't snuggle as close as normal...so she's probably getting sick too. I'm not sure about these muscle aches. They are sore to the touch almost. It's crazy. Like I've worked my butt off and ache all over, but sitting on my butt is NOT supposed to be that strenuous. Going to go to the library in a bit and get some books. I have a lot of reading to do. I got a few different titles from a RAD bulletin board. Hoping that my library has at least one of them. But...will find something I'm sure. I'm also going to take a bunch of books on cd to them and see if they can use them. Once you listen to one, it's sorta pointless. So I need to get them outta here. If I want to listen again, I can always go check them out, right? Okay...so, off to fix my hair and put some color on my face. Will take little angel to the library and hope she is a good girl. Talk to you later ladies! Love you all.

Morning ladies. Wow, yesterday was a tough one. Looks like not only for me. Karla, hugs darling. Remember I am here for you if you need me. You are very strong. It will amaze you how strong you will be able to be when the time comes. Believe in yourself. I know it's very hard for you, but you are strong. Phyl, amazing. Super amazing. All i can say is WOW! Candice, I hope you are staying home with Peter today. You two need a little alone time. Kari, missed you. Trust me, I am right there with you. My depression is kicking my butt. Stay here with us. We will try to help you through it. Okay...therapy was very hard yesterday. Most of the time I was crying. Michael, according to the therapist, was sitting there completely blank. Imagine that. She wants me to read up on attachment disorder and part of his diagnosis list was reactive attachment disorder. So I looked THAT up...more tears. Then Jeff came home and I finally had it out with him. MORE tears, actually break your heart sobs. The afternoon ended with a migraine. Finally at 8 or so I was up and feeling human. But Jeff didn't want to bring up the problems we had discussed at noon...so I guess he just really doesn't give a flip. grrrr. Anyways. Today is a new day and I hope it is better. I'm still feeling crappy but no worse than yesterday so I'm pretty sure it isn't swine flu. Body aches and cough, but no vomit or worse, no fever or chills. I'll get over this too. Okay...going to crash on the couch while Jai watches a couple of her shows. Have a great Wednesday everyone. Hugs!

Okay. Jai is at daycare, not sure the daycare wanted to keep her since I am sick, but she is healthy. I wouldn't have sent her if she had shown the least bit of ick. No sniffles, no cough. I'm the sick one. If I can get her healthy through Halloween, that would be nice. I doubt it, but it would be nice. Anyways...now without her sitting here and me trying to push her away so she doesn't get sick, I can talk to each of my lovely friends..... Phyl, I would LOVE to do water aerobics when the pool is open here. I thought about starting a class but don't know anything about it. I think I would probably have 10 girls who would come if it was started. I wonder if there is a tape program that would lead us. Just someone saying what to do and counting and all of that that we could listen to and I could show how. Otherwise I just don't have the experience. I know how much you love yours though and I'm so glad that you get to go. Is there a YMCA near you in WA that might have a program so that you don't have to miss it all summer? Just a thought. As for the PS. I think I have heard of burn centers doing something for people who donate their skin. I would look into it. Even if they payed half, it would be a great step in the right direction. You could research it this winter and maybe have it all set up for this spring. Candice, I was thinking about your darling Woody yesterday and your pain. I hope that you are feeling better. The pictures of all the good times must make you feel happy. If you still need some therapy, what about making a scrap book of those pics. I bought one for Michael at Hobby Lobby that had the pages all done and I just had to add pictures and write. It took a couple of hours and turned out wonderfully. I enjoy scrapbooking but it takes so much time and this was a great way to give Michael something special. Writing wonderful stories of your darling on those occasions or of things that you loved about her, might be very theraputic. Kari, I'm waiting for updates. Remember, you and I are in the exact same boat. We need to support each other. Karla, I'm with you on having no one to go out with. It killed me to admit in therapy that I have no friends. Not to discount you ladies, but we were talking about women who I could go to coffee with and swap child rearing stories with or daycare. You all are my sisters and I love your support but that wasn't what we were talking about. Anyways, last night in Bible study I admitted to this group that I have no prayer team or anyone that I support that way. It makes me really think about my loneliness in a new light. It's very very hard, but I've shut myself out too. We can talk and find something to help. I agree, you need to get out. You need to find ladies to support you face to face. Let's see what we can do about that, together. hmm...there was something I wanted to say to you Janet, but a coughing fit came at that point and I just don't remember. I'll think of it later and post again :cursing: Gives me a reason to get back on here today. Happy Tuesday ladies. Love you all!

Good morning ladies. Hope you all had a restful day and night. Was a little more productive yesterday than the last few weeks. I cleaned a few cupboards out, changed the litter box, did some laundry. Nothing big, but it's a start. Jai helped me like a trooper. I think she had a really good time. It was a good day. Then last night, I went to bible study. it was a good study, but half way through my throat started to tickle. By bedtime I was coughing. Today it's full blown sick. Not horrible yet and hoping that it doesn't get as bad as it seems to be here in town. A friend has had it for 12 days and still feels like crap. 80 kids were out sick from school yesterday. I won't even go into what the teachers said when the idea of shutting school was brought up. Lets just say my hackles went up. I have therapy with Michael today on the phone at 10. Hopefully no migraine from this one. Got a call from his lodge last night and they want to move him to a less restrictive lodge. I have really mixed emotions. I'm happy that he is progressing. I'm worried that with more freedoms he will start taking advantage and sneaking...which will cause a relapse. One of the reasons they want to move him is because there are a few older boys in his lodge that tend to be a little more violent and they don't want Michael to become a target. So far he has stayed out of it and adapted well. Glad that they want to keep him safe, worried that Michael hasn't EARNED the move to more freedom and will take the wrong message from it. Can you tell I over think EVERYTHING? Karla, a reverse tummy tuck is not reversing the process, like it sounds. I was really confused too. The way Karri explained it, if I have it right in my memory, is that a regular TT usually happens from below and everything is tucked "down". In a RTT the incision comes above and things are pulled "up". Now that I write that, I think I'm wrong, but I KNOW it has to do with where they incise and where they pull from. In Sept. she had mentioned not being able to swing the RTT and only doing the breast reduction. I hope she has figured out a way to do it, but worry that it will add a bunch of stress that she doesn't need right now. I haven't been able to really talk to her. She's much too busy, but I should send her a message. Okay. Gotta get Jai to daycare and me into the shower. Have a good day ladies. I'll be around all day cuz I feel so cruddy.

good morning ladies. I am here before Janet? What's up with that? Had an alright weekend in some ways. I wish I had more energy. There are a million reasons I don't and all of them seem very lame. But, it is what it is. Karla, I've found that most recipes that take more than 15 minutes to prep are no better than the ones that take an hour or more. If it's not quick, I'm not going to do it. Glad you found a good school lunch though. Its great that you like veggies so well. It really limits my food choices when I'm not crazy about hardly any veggies cooked and raw I just can't seem to chew them well enough. Phyl, your walking amazes me every day. As for Earl, I so get it. My mom has been "quitting" for 20 years. And then she sneaks. Drives me nuts. Like we can't smell it. grrrr. Anyways, it is very hard not to be frustrated. But think about it, he cares enough about what you think and how you feel to hide it so it won't hurt you. Jackie, I am so sorry that you are sick. It sounds aweful. I'm with you guys that the swine flu scare seems to be pretty extreme. If I read everything correctly it is actually less likely to kill than the seasonal flu outbreaks. It sounds more extreme in the way you feel, but not as deadly. At least that is what I've taken from it. I guess the other difference that makes it a little "scary" is that it doesn't seem to be seasonal, more contagious, and lasts a lot longer than the normal flu. I think something that makes it seem bad is that we normally call stomach virus's flu...and this just seems so much worse. I had the true flu a few years ago and I did think I was going to die. I can see why people are so freaked in some ways. Especially if you've never dealt with it. But it is very overblown in my opinion. Okay...off my soapbox. Candice, hugs to you waiting for Peter. Saying your final goodbys will be tough but also healing. I know it will help. Forget about the people who don't understand. You are perfectly normal and going through normal emotions. There was something else I was going to share, but I can't remember.....imagine that! Hugs ladies. Have a great week!

Good morning ladies. Or almost good afternoon. I had a rough night last night. I guess it was a combo of therapy, Candice's loss of her dear Woody, and the pics Phyl posted of the second hand store....but I was in a huge midnight funk missing my dad. I didn't sleep very well and heart hurt when I got up...so I just snuggled up and snoozed all morning. No giant plans this weekend. I'm glad because I need to seriously regroup in my head. I'm not doing anything lately. My head needs some real time. Going to tell Jeff to take the little ones to the farm on Saturday and leave me here so I can have some time alone to put everything in place. I need some quiet time just to organize my brain. Does that sound dumb? I think it does. Oh well. So that is me. Candice, I'm so very sorry about Woody. I can't imagine putting any of my darlings down. I've lost two cats to car accidents and that was hard enough. She's in heaven loving every minute of feeling free of her pain. Be at peace. Hugs ladies. Later.

gotta share my dinner. It was awesome! 1 boneless pork roast, 1 med onion sliced, 3 cans pork and Beans, 1 1/2 c bbq sauce, 1/4 cup b.sugar, 1 tsp garlic. Now..I only put in 2 cans pork n beans and not even a cup of bbq sauce, nowhere near that much b.sugar. Put in crock pot and let cook all afternoon. Shred the pork when ready to serve. I served it to Jeff on a bun like a pulled pork sandwhich. I put 2 hotdogs in it for the kids. I ate not quite a cup of the conconction by itself. nutrition facts: for original, 1 cup equals 217 cals, 6 g fat, 56mg cholesterol, 404 mg sodium (can you get low sodium p & :thumbup: 16 g carbs, and 24 g Protein. It was delish, and mushy enough that I could eat it without any problem. I'm guessing not so many carbs in mine because I cut down the bbq sauce and the b.sugar. I have about 3 cups left over and will eat on it all week I'm sure. It will heat up nicely in the microwave. Going to let it set for an hour or so before I try to put anything else in my stomach...but it was AMAZING. I'm thinking french fried onions for crunch would be good, but they aren't the healthiest and I haven't been putting them on anything lately. Anyways...just wanted to share.

There is a ton that you all can do in San Diego. There were these groups of women who just drove the route all day every day cheering, blaring their music and cheering everyone. They are called "walker stalkers." I would love to stalk a walk. It looked like so much fun. You get to dress the pink, be silly, decorate your car, and not have to walk!!! How much better does THAT get? And I have to say they were very inspirational. Whenever we were feeling at the end, they would drive by, everyone would woop and all was better again! San Diego is the week before Thanksgiving next year. And Jeff and I are talking about doing a cruise after to Celebrate. Okay...gotta go get dinner on the table. Hugs

Okay...now it is time to turn my life to you guys. I have been focussing so much on me that I haven't had much to say to each of you.....so here it is. Janet, I'm sorry your gym is closing but I think it could be a really good change. I know it is farther and less convenient but the change of atmosphere might be envigorating. I don't know what zoomba is but a new exercise might be fun. Enjoy it and make it an amazing positive in your life. As for the losing 2 days a month...that just SUCKS! However, it isn't every other Wednesday...which would ROYALLY suck. At least you get the long weekends. And think of the appointments you can make during that day when you would normally have to take off work. It could work to your advantage. Change is hard, but I see lemonade in your future. You're so good at taking a rotten situation and making something of it. You'll do it here too. Love you hon! Candice, the wedding pictures were amazing. You are so absolutely beautiful. That dress was a stunner and I think you looked so very very happy. so sorry you are missing DH. It's funny how much we miss when they are gone. It will make his homecoming that much sweeter though. Love it! As for the dogs...Wood didn't freeze to death and they are SOOOO good at making us feel guilty. It's those eyes. Phyl, I'm so envious of your trip. It sounds like so much fun! And all the walking you are doing. I hope you know how inspirational you are to all of us. Your determination and spirit are so uplifting. Thank you. And it doesn't sound like Earl is freaking out about the shopping too much, so enjoy it!!!! Next year when I'm in San Diego for the breast cancer walk, I hope you and Janet can make it over. I miss you guys! Karla, you are an amazing teacher. You have to believe that. You could teach earth science with nothing more than your voice if you had to. Don't stress about the materials. Do what you can with what you have. If all you can do is prepare powerpoints with pictures of the things you are talking about, that's all you can do. I know that you can do it. Suggestion, call UofM paleo center and see what they can do for you. I know they have amazing materials. There was this great lab with taking sedementary rocks, disolving the "cement" with some acid, and then classifying and such. I can't think of the prof's name that was in charge of the paleo project but any of them up there could help you. I remember her first name is Heather...but that's all. There is a TON you can do without much for materials. I KNOW you will do a great job no matter what. you ARE amazing, even if you doubt it most of the time. Kari, we need to talk because you and I are falling off the wagon with the same issues. I know that most of mine is because everything I eat seems to stick but together we should be able to work through it. I too have gotten caught by the soda monster...and junk food has become a way of life. Let's support each other back to health! Karri, I know you said that you struggle here because you don't have time to say something to each of us. Believe me, I get it. I've been there for the last month or so. But, please, check in. We miss you and even with the stress of work, we want to hear about the amazing things YOU are doing with those kids. You don't have to be superwoman. Hearing that from more than just DH might make you feel like you can take a breath. Come say hi. Love you and miss you. And I miss hearing about your workouts! Jackie, so sorry you are sick. I've been feeling like crap too, but not as badly as you have. I did get my butt off the couch today and cleaned a bit and that not only helped my attitude, I seemed to also have a little more motivation. Of course now I'm back in my chair....go figure. Also, I'm sorry for your loss. It's so hard to lose a member of your family, but for him to have been so very young makes it doubly hard I am sure. Hugs to you...and if you were here I would make you some delicious chicken soup....to make you feel better. I'm sure I missed a few things, but remember...I love you all!

Karla, I'm not going to pretend to be a success at eating right now, but I will add my 2 cents anyways. I do KNOW what I should do, it's just that I'm not DOING it. I agree with Candice that your afternoon meal sounds really light on solid Protein. I also know how hard that is to do at school. One suggestion may be to put a 1/2 cup of kashi in your lunch for afternoon snack. I would eat it like chips or nuts, dry and crunchy. I LOVED it that way! It's just sweet enough to feed that sweet need and crunchy enough to feed the "chip monster". It also really helped me stay full longer. Now, what it didn't feed was the salty need. The answer for me was Jerky. I am/was a sucker for Hi-country jerky you know. 3 pieces was an ounce...solid protein, and would sit in my pouch/stomach absorbing liquid making me full. Kashi and yogurt is a GREAT meal when you break down all the nutrients in it. I considered it solid protein because the kashi does have that "stick with it" quality. There were times I would eat it for Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Oh...and don't forget the protien in Beans. a bean burrito or just a cup of mushy beans with salsa can be a GREAT snack. Keep changing it up so you don't get too bored. Finally, don't forget those amazing smoothies you made this summer. They are WONDERFUL for keeping you full. Now for me, the big problem now IS protien. I can't seem to get anything solid in right now. I was doing better and I think I'm going to try it today. Lunch meat is a good try because it is already sliced so thin. It's pretty easy to get it chewed up well. I bought some tziki sauce at costco to put on it and am going to try it. I'm afraid my Iron level is super low because I haven't had any meat lately. I think that may be a big part of my low energy level. I'm going to go have a blood draw later this week. Anyways. Those would be my suggestsions. Janet has great insight also. Take what works, and leave the rest. Love you. You are doing amazing by the way. I'm so very proud of you! Hugs darling!!!

Good morning ladies. Not such a good morning here. My back is hurting worse than yesterday and now my legs have decided to join the fun. Yesterday was therapy at 10am on the phone. It was really stressful. My head started bothering me in the middle and by the end of the hour it was a full on migraine. Took a shower and layed in the dark until 230. Still no relief. Finally took some tylenol which got me through until 8 and then took some pain pills from when my back was bad. It helped me sleep, but everytime I moved Jeff said I moaned. When I got up this morning I could hardly walk. Jeff came and got Nick to take him to school for me. Now I'm just sitting here trying to deal. As for therapy yesterday, the therapist finally got to see the defiance of Michael. She wanted to take a contact off his contact list because he was calling her all the time and never me. Long story short, we decided he could call her twice per week but only if he called me 3 times a week. He was pi$$ed. OMG! It started a good conversation about how he views the rules of the world and she really got a look at his anger/calm/anger/calm quick change. I was starting to think he was going to have them fooled...but it came out. She is a really good therapist. I'm really impressed so far. Well, michael called last night to check the time of something...and then he wanted to hang up. To which I said, "Calling me for 45 seconds to ask a question like that does NOT count darling." He was PI$$ED about that. We did talk for about 10 minutes finally, but it was like pulling teeth. I wish they recorded the calls and could hear how I try to get him to talk and how he just won't open. I got the feeling that he makes it sound like I avoid talking, looking, touching him like he has the plague....which I do NOT, but he won't let me. You can only pull so many teeth before he doesn't have any more to pull. Anyways. I'm going to lay on the heating pad and see if I can get some of this pain to ease. grrr...I hate being sick! Have a good day ladies. Love you.

Good morning ladies. I had planned on catching you all up yesterday but then my day got interupted and I never got back to it....not that any of you know anything about days like that :cursing: Michael....what can I say....we had therapy together for the first time on Thursday. It was tough. I got some good out of it and I hope Michael did too. The best part was seeing him and his therapist interact and her push him past where he wanted to be. It made me feel good about where he is and that he may really get some help there. She said some things that really hit home with me, have really made me think. She says I need some real deep therapy myself. I know she is right, but just like my tough time with getting Michael help...I don't know that there is help around here. I will work with the therapist I have now and hope that she will get me somewhere parenting wise, but I just don't think she's going to push me to really reach those deep dark places that I really need to look at. For his birthday we got him a guitar and I made him a scrapbook. Of course he loved the guitar and just couldn't stop talking about it. The scrapbook, not so much, but I'm hoping that in his quiet times it will mean a lot to him. I'm working on another for him. A life and times of Michael. Him with people who love him. The one I did for his birthday was just people who care about him. ... this one I hope is more about his relationships. Of course, once he got his gifts and had dinner, he wanted us to take him back to the ranch. We could have had another hour, but he wasn't interested and I wasn't going to push the issue. I got 2 hours. Its more time than we've spent in a long time. Convention was amazing. I really got a lot out of it. More than anything I got a real desire to go out and do more teacher inservice training. Of course, that is the last thing that Jeff wants me to do because then I'm gone. So...I guess what I really got was another "too bad, so sad" experience. I was just starting to get food in, and then therapy. Instant tight for the last 3 days. Today I did get a small bowl of kashi in. I'm going to concentrate really hard on my choices. It seems that if I drink something warm right before, which is of course a no no, I can usually get food to stay. That is going to be my goal. I have been splurging with a latte every morning. Today I chose to cut it back to sugar free syrup and skim milk....and only 16 oz instead of 20. I also was going to hop on the wii this morning after taking the kids to daycare, but then...of course....when I was getting Jai out of the tub I pulled a muscle in my back. Now, it hurts to breath. I know I'm not really hurt, it's happened before, numerous times....but...if I don't sit very still it hurts like a ..... So here I sit. Going to work on my website for BITL today. Karla, your lesson is up. I think I have therapy with Michael at 10 so I need to get ready for that. It might be 1030...I just don't remember for sure. Oh...day 2 of my bible study was amazing. For anyone who likes to do bible study, Beth Moore seems to be an amazing speaker. She really has some interesting insight. In just this last week I have gotten more insight from the bible than in the last 2 years listening to my pastor. Amazing!!! Well...gotta go. Talk to you all soon. Hugs ladies. you're all amazing.

Drive by post. I'm home. Glad to be here. I am dying to crawl into my own bed. Will talk to you ladies tomorrow. Hugs Karla. There are a hundred lost opportunities in each of our lives. Many don't touch us deeply, others do. This one is big for you and my heart hurts for you. Resolve yourself that this is a wake up call to not let more days go by without making the call, saying the words, or doing the thing. Live life like you may not get another day to do so. Again, hugs to you darling. I hurt for you.

Quick check in. Took some tylenol pm and going to sleep shsortly. Can't concentrate on my reading. I have 2 pages to catch up since my last post. Tomorrow morning. Karla....I'll check for more about fireman....from what I read, no show. No crying. If he didn't show he isn't worth your tears. Don't give him that power! He doesn't deserve it. I'm wondering about cruises out of San Diego. Thinking about doing one next year after my walk. Finish walking, then board a ship for a few days. Walk is the weekend before Thanksgiving so we could cruise for the holiday...and call it our unChristmas. Planning on doing charity for Christmas this year. There are too many disadvantaged in so many ways. We need absolutely nothing. Bought the kids 2 toys each and will do funds to charities for everyone else. Okay...dozing off. Will catch up tomorrow. Convention over and I'm going to sleep in and then play with kids. Will tell you about Michael's bday party later. Hugs.

Drive by....I have a ton to catch up on..... In Billings for convention. Janet, I may not be in the classroom but I am still a teacher. I WILL be going to convention every year. Actually I have been renominated to the state math teachers board. I have been spending a LOT of time on standards development and a statewide grant. I may not be in the classroom but I am definitely a force to be reckoned with in the state math teacher community :thumbup: ummm....got through last night mostly. Sad time in the car talking to sister when she told me how happy Michael is at YBGR. He says he never wants to come home. It's only been 10 days...give him a month or so. We'll get through this. And then in the waterpark with the little ones, I was sad that I didn't have this great relationship with Michael. had so much fun with the kids!!! 2 hours of fun! Okay....been working for an hour and a half. Now I need to get to convention. Talk to you guys soon. Hugs.

Drive by post. Today is Michael's 15th birthday. I didn't get down about that until about 8pm. Now...crushed. Talked to him. He didn't want to really talk. Had to go real quick. I've done well not to cry so far, but tonight is pushing that. I guess it's pity party time. yes, I know it is best for both of us. yes, I know that I did the best I could. yes, I know that it will be better when we get together again. But no matter what I KNOW....I hurt in my heart. Going to go before I cry. Life sucks! the big one! Happy Birthday darling. I love you more than you know!

Hi ladies. Drive by post. Busy today building a website for my BITL grant. I've put it off until I can't put it off any longer. Has to be up by Thursday morning. did as much as I could do. Now waiting on admin to get me the rest of the files. Have another hour or so once all the files are here. Kids are doing great. getting along and happy. Amazing how the mood has changed. Jeff is loving not having to lock his office, car, and can have soda in the fridge. We are able to let our guard down and it really has changed the mood. Michael's birthday today. Miss him. Will call him tonight. Get to have lunch with him on Thursday and then Friday night get to take him out for his birthday dinner. Really looking forward to that. Leaving tomorrow at noon for teacher's convention. Will be spending until Sunday down in the big city :biggrin: Staying at hotel with Water park for the kids. Will buy their halloween costumes. Maybe do build-a-bear with them. Might be able to find a corn maze and pumpkin patch. Oh yeah...and do the teacher convention thing too....I guess...since that's why I'm going :yikes: Started a bible study last night. Have never done one before. Not at my church but sounds interesting. We are studying the book of Daniel. 11 Monday nights. Have to give up football for it :thumbup: I think it will be really good though. Last night was week 1 and I really did get a lot out of it. Plus I will meet some other women around town. I need some friends besides you guys. I love you guys but f2f would be nice too :wink5: Okay...drive by turned into stop and go. Later taters. Love you!!!

Good morning ladies. I woke up this morning with a fantastic amount of energy. Normally I wake up and struggle to get Nick ready for school and then come home and watch tv with Jai...or rather she watches and I snooze. But today, I'm raring to go. I feel so good! Was talking to my SIL last night on the phone and was telling her how the gloom in the house has lifted. Even the little ones are getting along better. They still fight but not like they did. And last night they played TOGETHER for over an hour without even a raised voice. It was so nice. It's not perfect, but it's an improvement. Today I start anew. coffee and a protien drink for Breakfast. No junk. Going to get a walk in today even though it's chilly. Will put coats on the dogs and take them for a nice jaunt. Going to keep in mind my goal of being healthy and remind myself that if I am physically hurting myself with my eating, and not healthy, I can't be what I want to be with my parenting. Jaimison is ready for her bath so I'll sign off for now. Those of you with days off today, enjoy!

Jackie, one of the reasons I buy a lot of tops on QVC is because the plus size styles are the regular styles....so I don't have that problem. I too like the plus styles better in the stores. Oh well...we will get through that too. I saw the pics on facebook. I thought it was really cute except the MILF comment. That would have really bothered me. the rest...hilarious! I'm glad the girls had fun. Can tell you guys have a GREAT relationship. Treasure it!

Hi ladies. I didn't check in yesterday. I was going to tell you about my therapy. We had a good talk about things. She gave me a lot of things to think about. We talked about my constant worrying about if I am doing the right thing or if I'm a good parent or if I've made the right choice. That seems to be a big issue for me. I need to be able to be comfortable with my decisions and stay strong. Because I'm always waffling the kids are able to twist and turn me and tie me up in knots. We talked about why I don't feel so helpless in my classroom. That I don't doubt I'm doing it right there. I am confident. So why do I feel that way with all those other kids and yet with my own, I'm a nut case. Lots to think about and lots to work on. Talked to the guy who has day shift in Michael's lodge. He doesn't seem to want to talk to me so I just wanted to check on him. The guy says he seems to be doing good. Making friends and settling. I'm glad. I sent him a birthday card today. We are going to take him to dinner next Friday. He has a 3 hour pass for that. I'm looking forward to it, but glad it is only 3 hours. More than that and it will probably be fighting. Okay. There were other things I wanted to talk about, but oh well. I'll chat later. Hugs to all of you!