txfirefly979

(stumbled upon this forum in doing research)
 
I've struggled with my weight since high school. (although lookin back, cant believe I thought I was fat then!) lost some weight (unhealthily) sophomore year in college.   post college the lbs packed on (despite working out regularly at a gym and playing volleyball weekly in a league).
First saw PCP at age 23. tried Synthroid, Metformin (pre-diabetes), anti-anxiety drugs.  2 years later had gained almost 50 lbs.  Depression really set it (although I've never stopped working out 3x a week) and is getting worse due to self-image (I love myself and know I have valuable qualities but looking in the mirror and feeling MISERABLE in my body plus not being able to move (bend, etc.) the way I want to makes me literally CRY).  got married at 29 and a year later couldnt believe how much heavier I was just a year out. 
PCP doc agrees about losing weight so sent me to endocrinologist in Sept 2014 ---- who was AWFUL! did ZERO tests, had no answers (or inclination to answer me) on WHY I'm gaining weight when eating healthy and working out.  Just sent me out the door to meet with nutritionist (who prescribed the AWFUL new govt "food plate" <--wayyyy too many refined carbs!) AND a Rx for weightloss (Qysmia).
After researching, it is an ANTI-seizure drug (not epilietic!) along with more poison for my body.
STILL I tried it for over a month (was supposed to lose 10lbs).... and GAINED 1 lb! plus it was $200 EACH month.  and I really didnt like putting that in my body (major birth defects if accidentally get pregnant)
 
First debated surgery Oct 2014 but mom cried and begged me to try again.  Spent $$$$ getting hormones tested and doing sugar/gluten/dairy free diet for 2.5 months. Natural dessicated thyroid has definitely helped with energy levels and I'm off anxiety meds (except for panic attack "as needed" meds) but STILL have gained 10lbs in 3 months, so I'm decided that surgery is the only route that is going to help give me the boost since I haven't been able to lose ANY weight in almost 7 years. 
Now 30 and we would like kids in next year or two BUT I dont want to be a 300lb+ mom who cant keep up with her kids (hubby is thin). Also have 2 aunts who are morbidly obese with type2 diabetics and mom (all are sisters) is mildly overweight.  I dont want to end up like my aunts! They're both on so many weight-related medications and are just unhealthy! (which I've tried to avoid by cooking at home and not eating out).
 
Live in a rural area so there ARE no fast-food joints to eat at.  We eat out 2x a MONTH at maximum (usually after church) so eating at home 99% of the time.  eat a lot of chicken and fish and venison (deer) as well as veggies (very little red meat) grill and saute and bake almost all of our food (never fry).
 
 feel so frustrated that I cant lose weight with diet and exercise!  All of my coworkers and family always comment about how healthy I eat and often I work out but NOTHING WORKS (and of course, no one ever comments how good I look because I keep GAINING WEIGHT!).  I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself... because I know what I'm putting in and that just doesnt compute!  Genetics and portion control are my best guess (and yes I keep a food diary - myFitnessPal app) on why I'm so fat. 
 
Blood and hormone testing in OCT 2014 show I'm still pre-diabetic (originally showed in 2009) and definitely hypothyroid (symptoms confirmed, TSH still within "normal range") so I think both of those things will hopefully be resolved or at least improved with weight loss. (hopefully???)  ALSO worrying is that majority of excess weight is in my midsection (which I keep reading puts me at risk for heart attack, stroke and other serious crap)
nervous about surgery but DEFINITELY more scared of what weight I will be at if I don't do this.  Self-pay patient (insurance requires 5 yrs employment AND 5 yrs M.Obese BMI of 40).  since we're putting off baby at min 1 year, I would like to have this done in the next 1-2 months (March 2015). 
 
advice/suggestions, esp from those with similar height/BMI (and those doing/done G.sleeve BEFORE having kids) is VERY welcomed.  I'm a  worrier and already worrying about a leak in the staple line or my stomach getting cut during the surgery.  Also cant decide whether to tell mom/family (we're super close) because I dont want them to talk me out of it (she wants grandkids ASAP).  I already feel awful and guilty that I'm even considering surgery because I feel like a failure for NOT being able to lose weight on my own but I'm TIRED OF BEING FAT!!!!