Smye

@, thank you

When I first started this thread, I was in a time of utter crisis and had no idea what, precisely, I needed other than the general list of guidelines I put in my first post. Now I'm still in a time of significant grief. Although Mrs. Smye and I have what appears to be a solid plan in place, I'm seeking a suitable therapist, she's continuing her work with hers and we're both reaching out for support while turning towards, rather than away from, each other, it's hard. It hurts. I'm mourning the loss of the marriage we had even in the midst of celebrating the marriage we have and the friendship we will continue to have. I'm thrilled, really and truly, that she's learning more about herself - I'm even excited at the potential of 1, 2, 3, or 10 years from now for both of us to be in relationships where we're entirely fulfilled while maintaining our friendship throughout. But I still cry myself to sleep and still find myself yearning to lean in for a kiss or to initiate lovemaking. In short, I know that this still hurts and that I still have a lot of work to do on and for myself. But I'm okay with never being 'over' the loss of our romantic marriage - I don't think one ever really, truly does get over it, nor am I convinced I even want to. But I know what I need from you all now, my bariatric family. What I need is, in many ways, what most of you have been doing already - I just need you to sit with me in my grief, to validate and honor my pain, to Celebrate with me when a day goes well or when we have a 'victory,' and to offer me virtual hugs when I ask for them or you simply think they're warranted. In short - I need a community to bear witness to my process, validate my experience, and remain present with me throughout. Thank you for all you've done and for all you do! I'll keep this forum updated regularly with what's happening, how everyone is doing with the changes, etc - writing this all down is a huge part of my own processing, so thank you for bearing witness.

@@drmeow, Thanks - and I appreciate your co-denial with me (as I mentioned on page 3 I think of this thread, your theory was one I hoped for) but realistically there's VERY little in the literature to support such a theory, it doesn't seem to be how latent human sexuality actually works - damn! But you're right on, we've got a great friendship and, I believe, will make it through this with a lot of joy alongside the inevitable (and appropriate) pain and grief. I'm working on holding both at the moment - I'm so excited for her to be embracing who she is and she's reported feeling elated to not feel any pressure to be romantic with me (from herself and from me), but I also sobbed while driving between district meetings this morning in grief over the loss of all my future plans for romantic evenings, dinners, ice skating, etc. What a weird mind-twister, let alone the heart. Thank you for your support! @@Rogofulm, right on! And let me tell you, right after disclosure, I absolutely though "I wish so badly I could just stuff my face right now and make a conscious decision to find comfort in food." But - though I know to remain vigilant and never feel 'safe' from food as comfort - as a result of my own process and identify shift through this process am in a place where I know that even in the moment of eating, I wouldn't actually feel any better - not to mention the awful physical pain of eating the junk. The issue I'm having isn't so much the temptation to take comfort in food, it's having to remember to eat at all. Just finished 2 oz of homemade goat Jerky though after reading your post - so thanks for the reminder. Eating enough and the right things is just as important as not eating too much or the wrong things. To everyone, thank you again for your support! I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture. I'll post this note back on the first post also.

@@Stevehud, thank you man. I've gotta say, when I got the message that "stevehud has replied to your post" I felt shocked that I hadn't already thought to just message you directly. Thank you for your constancy and support, whether it was preop, post op, or this whole business - you are a good friend and I value your insights and kindness to no end. @@toasty, Thank you! I will and I do. I appreciate all of the outpouring of 'you're not alone.' Especially when I realize I'm currently on cloud 9 and my next moment of grief and shame and utter despair is right around the corner. Thank you. Oh, and you're right on, my friendship is gold, it's completely priceless, but I do indeed need to be careful not to put it above or before my own wellbeing. Thank you.

@@butterfly23, thank you. Your support and feedback mean the world to me. Especially your feedback on my feedback and the genuine-ness (not sure of the right word) in your thoughts, they mean the world to me through this. @@bellabill, thank you for your candid thoughts coupled with a willingness to recognize the differences in our experiences. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine the pain of our experience will ever go away. I am so thankful, having read your story and others like it on the Straight Spouse Network to have the deep history and background with Mrs. Smye that I have - there were never lies, no hidden secrets, just a long delayed process that she was willing to share openly with me. As devastating as it still was/is, I cannot imagine having to play act after disclosure, not to mention having aspects of my partner I didn't like. I still love her and like her as my best friend, and genuinely believe I always will. I feel so lucky as to be struggling at the moment with something akin to 'survivor's guilt' in all of this. I'm not sure if you've read everything I've posted so far, but I recommend you do, it helps build a better picture and writing it all in real time has been therapeutic as hell for me

@@Miss Mac, Not precisely, we're certainly not calling it an open marriage, nor are we going to be pursuing what would be 'typical' of an open marriage - though it's fair to call it a derivative of an open marriage. As I understand open marriages, the idea there is to keep the core partnership as primary while pursuing 'getting needs met' outside of the marriage. We're both pretty certain this would get ugly quick for both of us. In our case, rather, we'll be remaining married strictly platonically as best friends for the time being, but when and if (it may not happen, we'll see) we start dating, the idea isn't to 'meet sexual needs' with long or short term flings, but that we're actively seeking a new forever partner. Once that new partner is found for either of us, we divorce amicably, while remaining best friends throughout. Ideally even living in the same neighborhood or as housemates with the other couple. Our marriage would be intended to end, a placeholder representing our forever deep love, not to mention the social, financial, legal etc benefits of remaining married in the meantime. But after each date debriefing as we would with anything else, helping one another problem solve along the way, etc. Oh, and SUPER clear communication throughout. And all of this AFTER she settles on whatever her identity actually is, this is all new enough she'd rather not wait. And since we're family, our future dating will be as it would be with any other family "look, you marry me, you're marrying my mom/dad/sister/family too." Does that make sense? Also, thanks for asking! Answering this question really helped me continue my own processing here.

My process is about ME, hers is about HER, and ours is about US! What could be more lovely? And more painful? It's odd, but I feel I'm big enough to hold both inside me.

@@gowalking, agreed agreed agreed agreed agreed agreed and she already is and always has been And thank you. AND I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine...

@@Pinkgirl1234, although I'd agree with you for many couples in my situation, you are grossly mistaken. I appreciate your willingness to do the unpopular, go against my wishes and 'tell it like it is' - no sarcasm, I really admire your commitment to authenticity. However, I hope you'll agree (and if you don't, oh well) that you don't quite understand the dynamics of my marriage once I get the chance after work tonight to write out our current resolution. Short version - we'll both be finding new exclusive partners when we're each ready as individuals, divorcing at that time, but maintaining our incredible friendship through it all. I'll even likely help write her OK-Cupid (or whatever service she uses) profile and walk her down the aisle - and vice versa. And yes, she really and truly is just figuring this out now - I don't know how deeply part of the LGBTIQ community you are or aren't, but it's a thing, it happens, and it's not anybody's fault. As a society, all we can do is accept that the experience of folks who discover their sexuality "late" in life (keep in mind, we're significantly younger than you probably think we are - we both graduated high school and college very early and were married at an age most could call unconscionable) might not reflect our own but is still real for them, and support and love those around us in spite of not understanding. But seriously, your outrage on my behalf is weirdly comforting . I will say though that your fervor did have the effect of making me feel silenced by you rather than helping me 'find my voice.' For what it's worth. @@katladee, she does, I do too, and thank you! You've been a lovely support! As have all of the folks on here.

@@pink dahlia, doesn't change the fact that you're dead on and supportive as hell in the meantime. Thank you.

@@pink dahlia, thank you!

I just wrote amassive update/response, and my laptop died. Short version - THANK YOU EVERYONE! I have a LOT of grieving to do, but we are and always will remain best friends and family. We are (I know this sounds fake but it will make sense when I post next) closer than ever, will likely divorce in the next few years, but are in no rush, and honestly I've never had such a satisfying or intimate evening than tonight was. I'll post the full deal later, but basically life hurts like hell and is INCREDIBLE all at once. It's incredible what having been best friends for 17 years before we married can do for us. Thank you thank you thank you. More to come. Oh, and because things feel super stable and wonderful right now, @@katladee, oh yes. I cook. Check out this blog for a good place to start. I don't actually know any of you, haven't met a one of you, but I love you folks! Thank you so much for helping me through the most painful day of my life - without you all I would not have been in the right place to come home to my wonderful wife and reach such a wonderful place as where we are now. Again - I'll explain in full when I have more time.

@, Thank you! Me too, I just wish I knew what they were and that they could fasttrack us - I'm so sick of being in pain/afraid.

@@katladee, thank you! And yeah, the hardest part WLS-wise right now is eating at all. Also, to be clear, I have no illusions that she'll "try the lesbian thing" or "get it out of her system." Human sexuality doesn't work like that. Nor would she EVER be willing to actually act on her attractions until our marriage was over and over. I'm more open to that than she is and, well, let's just say I'd rather set the house on fire (though I wouldn't). It's more that I find myself hoping it's a phase similar to what a preadolescent goes through rather than a 'phase' that the parents of those in the LGBTIQ community hope their children will 'grow out of' when they're in denial. Most likely though, I'm just in denial.

@@Djmohr, thank you! I'm weirdly still unable to let go of the hope that as she continues her work with her counselor she'll somehow find an attraction to me as the exception to the rule or that this is the apocryphal (and, if I'm honest, horribly intolerantly minded) 'phase' she's going through before discovering she's hetero or that it's like what I went through when I was 8 or so and was attracted to any and everything just because WOW, TESTOSTERONE! But I think I know that none of those fit. After all, we've got everything else in place for a nauseatingly idyllic marriage - so it would make sense that as her sexual identity is forming she'd form a sexual/romantic attraction to me along with, if not instead of, anyone else. After all, if she's not truly a lesbian, how on earth could some stranger on the street who's attractive compete with best friend/spouse for the last for what amounts to our entire lives. Thanks for letting me vent a bit more. @@MEL0129, thank you. And I agree, I will keep her fully abreast of my own process - I just wish I didn't find myself coming sobbing to her about her every 20 minutes or so. But yes, it is our problem. Honesty's never been an issue, nor will it be.

@@OKCPirate, yes I've always been heavy, but thankfully Mrs. Smye suffers from face blindness - a portion of which being that she actually can't tell by looking at someone if they're overweight . But yes, WLS absolutely changes things - here though I think it was more that our life was finally stable enough for long enough that she felt safe enough to actually explore her own sexuality in ways she was not able to do as a child in a particularly yucky home. And yes, thank you for the other words - listening is what I'm trying to do. But as we've always told one another absolutely everything, I'm struggling not to unload my own grief on her in the meantime while searching for a new counsellor for myself. I know it's slowing her process, but it's where I'm at for now. The plan for tonight is, once our little guy goes down (assuming he goes down before 10), to try and hang out as friends and focus on enjoying, even reveling in our friendship rather than the grief/despair/etc I feel or the shame she's feeling.

@@Chrystee, thank you! I'm still holding out hope for 'both/and.' @@Floridagirl2, thank you! I wish there were an e-way to actually get all these hugs

@@jess9395, Thank you!

Oh, and we have a kid with special needs - that doesn't throw a messy wrench into the whole debacle.

@@Bean80128, thank you. Every comment like yours is a buoy for the next 3 minutes. It's almost pathetic (I know it's not really) but after 3 I need another - so thank you for being this one. @@LipstickLady, yeah, I agree. I don't actually think we'll ever stop being friends or loving one another - I just don't want to be only friends, you know? I've craved her as my life partner since I was 5. But I want her to be happy, truly happy, and to be able to love her partner as I've loved her, even if that means that partner isn't me. One the one hand I know one of my two my 'nonnegotiables' through this all is that I need for us to both be loved and to love fully and to feel all of that love. The sucky part is that the other nonnegotiable I've got is that I need to stay partnered to her . I guess that's why this takes time. @@Joz31, See my comment to Bean80128. Thank you! @@MEL0129, Excruciating is exactly the word. And I feel so guilty for my own pain because I know it's so much of what's hurting her. Thank you!

To clarify my response to @@Inner Surfer Girl, although I just want it to end and have this vague sense of "Can I just die please?" I am not in any way suicidal, experiencing suicide ideation, or considering self harm. I just reread my post and realized I would be concerned were I not the author and so wanted to clarify.

@@Inner Surfer Girl, thank you thank you thank you. It's so weird, I know I'll get through this, but I feel so deeply that the world should just stop spinning, how can anything normal carry on? But it does. @@leag78, I'm not in a place to hear that right now, but when I am (as I cognitively know I will have to be at some point), I will read your post thoroughly, thank you. @@Miss Mac, but I truly can't fathom being happy with anyone else either. Sure, I know I could love again blah blah blah (I don't buy the one-and-only soulmate stuff), but I think I'd always feel like I was emotionally cheating on my future spouse should I go that route because deep down I'd always be longing for my current wife and best friend rather than really deeply loving newspouse the most. @@dhrguru, thank you! Your last line was phenomenally supportive.

@@OutsideMatchInside, thanks. I'm loathe to use reddit as the one other gentleman I found there who had submitted something similar received a great deal of bile and venom from those on the site - I'm not in a place where I'm resilient enough to take that right now.