Smye

@@lachellove - thank you, your support and just to be heard is incredibly welcome and helpful.

@@princessprotein, my apologies if you felt my reply was rude - that was not remotely my intent. You may find this to be easier to read.

Also - Recently I've veered away from discussion of my own internal processes towards a synopsis of my actions and pursuit of new relationships. And although I will absolutely keep you all updated on The Cartographer, The Actress, Trivia night, boardgames, mushroom cultivation, etc., I want to take a moment to reflect on and hate some of the larger impacts this whole endeavor is having on my person. Continue reading - I think you might get a good chuckle... or else a sob. Highlights include urine, narcolepsy, and elections to city council. And yes, the dates are wrong - on purpose and to protect the privacy of those involved.

@@lachellove - oh yes. And when I do take her up on it, thankfully, she's very clear about wanting to start 'as friends.' And I'm glad it's interesting - it wasn't the original purpose, but it's certainly perk. All - feel free to ask any question any time - I am comfortable saying I'm not comfortable going there

@@lachellove - agreed and thanks for the support @@OutsideMatchInside - oh no, you're fine. I was just stating my needs and my reality. I appreciate the supportive intent to no end.

@@cookarue - Thank you! @@OutsideMatchInside - Done. Also, please don't judge my therapist. My process may not match your own, but derogatory language makes it difficult for me to have grace for myself and give myself permission to make mistakes, learn from them, and grow. @@princessprotein - Agreed on some points. Disagreed on others. Are you referring to Mrs. Smye? If so, SHE wants the marriage to end, and I'm choosing to respect that. Please read the entire thread prior to responding. @@lachellove - It went... as to the quality of the going - I'm not sure how to measure it. This is my first dating relationship and my first breakup ever (at 27). There were a lot of tears on both ends, she kept asking "what could I have done differently? But don't worry, I won't try to change myself for you" and I kept choosing not to go there - I trust her intent, but not that she wouldn't carry my potential words around with her as a 'recipe' for 'fixing' herself. She insists she wants to be besties - I'm open to the idea, but insisting on a break first so we're starting from as close to scratch as possible and so she can let the emotional dust settle a bit and make an authentic, fully informed decision as to how she wants to move forward rather than just the "DONT LEAVE, I"LL DO ANYTHING" vibe I got yesterday. And now, today, I feel like a total jerk. Cognitively I know that's not rational, but emotionally it's where I'm at. More soon in terms of my internal processing, updates on Mrs. Smye and on Little Smye.

@@cookarue, she didn't quite pull a disappearing act - I was too flippant when I referred to it as 'ghosting' previously. Though perhaps I'm being naive in choosing to believe her words. Our exchange back when we last met went as follows: "Hey Smye, So.. I think I need to cancel our get together next Sunday. I’ve decided that I need to pull back from OkCupid and further dates for now. unsure emoticon I had a couple other dates last week that got emotionally intense, which was very confusing and somewhat upsetting for me since I feel like I’m still very early in the process. I’ve been thinking about it for the last few days and I believe it would be a good idea for me to take a step back and reassess what exactly it is I’m looking for. I hope you can understand, and I am sorry- I’ve really, truly enjoyed the couple dates we’ve had and was looking forward to the next one, but I think ultimately I’m just not in a very solid place to be dating right now, and that’s not a good way to step into dating. I believe that when the foundation isn’t healthy, someone will likely eventually end up getting hurt because old baggage will creep in and do damage to any new relationship. I’m seeing some things in myself that definitely need to be sorted out before I get to that healthy place. If you’re open to me contacting you sometime in the not-so-distant future when I feel like I’m on more solid footing, I would love to keep that possibility open, but if not I will of course respect that as well. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you as much as I have so far, and I feel regretful that the timing just isn’t right right now to continue to do so. Thanks, Actress" "Hi Actress, Thank you for your message. I so appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and authentic in your process and will absolutely respect your needs here. I admire your commitment to self care and making sure you remain healthy through this process. To be certain, I'm disappointed. I like you a great deal and am hopeful for the opportunity to continue to get to know you. I understand entirely needing to be in a healthy, independent place prior to diving into a relationship ill-equipped. I wish you the best in getting yourself into a place that you're ready and interested in pursuing a relationship. In the meantime, if it's not a poor choice on your part, I'd love to keep in touch as friends, then possibly pursue more when/if you're ready assuming both of us are on board. Or, if it's healthier/more supportive for you to go radio-silent for a time, I'd love to hear from you when you feel like you're on more solid footing to see about exploring a possible relationship at that time. As mentioned previously, I'm in no particular hurry & I wasn't kidding when I said that time with you, by all measures thus far, is well worth waiting for - be it as only friends or someday more. I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your mother and her partner. Take care, and let me know if there is any support I can provide. Smye" "Hi Smye, Sorry for not responding to your message right away. I really appreciate your understanding and for being so supportive of my need to take a step back. Honestly, I just got to a place last week where I realized my emotions are still just not sorted through properly, and that I’ve been seeking distraction from dealing with some of the hard things that I need to sit with and deal with over a period of time. I think maybe for the moment I’d like to go radio silent to get some space and take stock of things, but I am not at all opposed to being friends and picking up getting to know each other when some time has passed and I feel like I’m in a better spot to do that. Would that be okay? I really do enjoy spending time with you, too. So… I guess I’ll be in touch, then? And until then I hope all things for you go well, and your school and with Atticus and otherwise, and I look forward to catching up again before too long. The Actress" "Good afternoon Actress, Radio silence it is. Congratulations on your realization and determination to keep yourself healthy. I look forward to reconnecting at some point, but please take as long as you need. And if I never her back from you, sure I'll be disappointed but will not resent you, instead trusting that it's in your best interest. Take care, I wish you the best, and thank you for the time together we've had thus far. You have my profound respect. Smye" Through the creepy magic that is Facebook, I happen to know that she spent the intervening months seeking counseling to help her get to a place where she was healthy to pursue other relationships. So far as I know, she's not said "let's only be friends" but rather "let's just be friends for now, no guarantees" which, to be honest, is precisely what I'm looking for. Friends first (though yes, she is gorgeous), then more if it works. Thanks again for your support by the way - your post is in no way unwanted or harsh. And in no way will I exclusively date this 'friend' until and unless we're sure we want to exclusively date. Now off to actually break things off with The Cartographer - this is going to hurt. A lot.

@@gowalking, no worries, I wasn't kidding when I said 'thanks.' And you definitely got it I'm particularly wary of hurting myself, my kid, or potential partners, so I, like you, am constantly shouting at myself internally to 'think with your brain, not the other head,' I appreciate it.

In my first two weeks of online dating: 17 men have invited me to anonymous sexual encounters (if this is even a faint whiff of what women experience on these sites, I apologize on behalf of those of my gender who behave this way) 9 of the men I've contacted have responded with "And you're not looking for romance with me, right? Just friends?" (Yes, absolutely, definitely!) 7 folks have responded "You're 27 and a principal? How dreamy/fancy/ambitious/areyourich..." No, just no. 6 women I've contacted have responded with "yeah, I've gotten that 'my wife is gay' line before, not thanks, not looking for a hookup." (Neither am I. And really? Guys use that to get laid? Ew!) 5 of the folks I've contacted have been interested in long-term pen-palling (no problem there) 4 women have invited me to 'kink parties' (never been, not interested at this time) I've met up with 3 folks who seem like they'll make fine friends (I had a blast, I weirdly miss them already). 2 of the friend-types I've met up with have, on my ask for a second get-together, felt the need to insist "and it's only friends, right? Right? Right?" It's exciting, it's fun, it's mind-numbingly terrifying. Mostly, it confirms that I'm absolutely new at this and need practice. And that I love people. And how lonely it is to be 'the boss' at work, in such a public position of community leadership and functionally single - it basically eliminates 'fraternizing' with all of those I spend time with day to day, not to mention that fact that my colleagues are all 20-40 years my senior.

@@VSGAnn2014 - agreed, though I do have the cooccuring goal of being kind and compassionate while remaining authentic. @@cookarue - HA! Thanks. As for ripping my clothes off - we'll see. The ones who've wanted to do that have been either insufficiently intelligent or else just plain crazy - but hopefully. As for the Actress - what did I miss in terms of 'not interested in the long run?' @@CowgirlJane - Agreed on all counts - excepting the 'kid aside' part

@@gowalking - Thanks for your passion. To be clear - I like The Cartographer, I've avoided the L word (with her, if not internally) and well... we've not slept together, kissed on two occasions, and held hands - not quite sure that counts as 'in lust' or thinking with the 'head between my legs,' but thanks for your support.

@@lachellove, I think so. In the process of writing the above there were so many red flags that jumped out at me. If I didn't have Little Smye to consider, perhaps I'd give it longer to see... but I'm looking for his next mama and his wellbeing wouldn't be well served with The Cartographer where she is. Perhaps she'll heal, make gains and then we try again, but I don't think he can afford to have me 'wait it out' as it were. Now the only question is how to go about this in a way that is as honest, as compassionate, and as caring as possible while remaining entirely authentic. And the 5-years celibate streak continues!

Yeah... I cant be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally dependent upon me for more than in the midst of crisis... I need to be in a relationship where we compliment one another, not complete each other... Damn. And The Actress? Am I interested? Yes. But does she actually have anything to do with The Cartographer? Nope. I think that may well have been my guilt over hurting The Cartographer trying to find a scapegoat. I've been faithful to Mrs. Smye, in a sexless, romance-free marriage, for over 7 years... The Actress isn't it.

Updates: The Cartograher and I started dating exlusively Jan 29. I've met her family, she's met mine. Everyone likes one another quite well. But... I've been wondering about my future with The Cartographer since Friday. She's delightful, wonderful, fun, smart, funny, and incredibly depressed/panicky. Were I in a committed relationship, the solution is simple - we'll work through this, I'll support you 'in sickness and in health' etc. but only 1.5 months in... Well... I'll continue Oh and she's been talking kids, marriage, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking for a forever partner, not casual dating - but I'm not there yet... nor do I want to be at this stage. Anyway... On Friday we were watching Agents of Shield on her couch, and all of a sudden she pulled the blankets over her head and trembled, nonresponsive for nearly an hour. I did my best to support/comfort etc., but to no avail. Eventually she came out, bedraggled and exhausted and let me know that "Smye, your love is the only thing that kept me here, that keeps me going right now." Since then, she's had to go home early every day this week due to panic attacks. I don't blame her in any way, or think any less of her as a human... but I do wonder "is this how I want to spend my life? And is this someone who could effectively co-parent my son given the incredible emotional demands that being with him takes? Since then, she's talked about how my love keeps her going over a dozen times in ways that feel co-dependent/unhealthy and, frankly, I can't reciprocate even if I wanted to. I do love her, to be sure... but shit. Then yesterday I came over for our usual Wednesday night dinner date and, well, shit... when she kissed me, it actually felt negative. I didn't think I could feel such a thing as a desire to not kiss someone... I always thought I was that guy who'd be psyched to kiss a wall if it kissed back. So there's that. And tomorrow she's getting her IUD - damn - and I've been planning her birthday with her mom for next weekend AND we've got that cabin reserved... Oh, and then one other complication... There was recently a moderately sized gas leak explosion in a large nearby city. It was also in the same general area where The Actress lives (I think its several blocks away - not sure though) And my first thought was "OH SHIT! THE ACTRESS!?!?!?" And The Actress has been on my mind since And then, not 20 minutes ago, I receive the following texts from The Actress: "Hey! So... I'm gradually emerging from my radio silence. It was much needed. Are you interested in hanging out again at some point? I can't promise more than friendship but I really enjoyed spending time with you and would like to again if you're open to it!" And just now got: "Also, I downloaded Coffee Meets Bagel a few days at the recommendation of a friend, and guess who I saw there today??? You!! I was going to 'like' you, but didn't need to because I already have your number, ha. ;)" DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN Sure... I could say "ABSOLUTELY" to The Actress, pursue friendship and continue with The Cartographer in the hopes that her declarations that "I'm not usually like this" are true and it clears up soon... but that feels slightly slimy as I definitely still have feels for The Actress. OR - I could turn The Actress down (not doing it) because I know I want more than friendship. OR I could meet up with The Actress, see how it goes, and then break it off with The Cartographer before it goes more than friendship (probably not a good idea - definitely 'cheating,' at least emotionally and just not something I'd feel good about) OR... OR... OR... I could tell The Cartographer "Hey, I love you, I like you, but I need us to turn down the intensity until you're more stable." and go back to 'casually dating' if she's game... and lose that relationship if not and at least get friendship (hopefully more... DAMN IT) with The Actress. FUCK FUCK FUCK What I don't want to do is bail on The Cartographer prematurely... or on just an emotional whump-surge BUT - there's no way in hell I'm staying in a relationship on false presences Any thoughts, suggestions, questions, virtual hugs, ideas, anything related are all much appreciated

They DO also help cover the turkey neck from all the loose skin.

A slightly more detailed update: http://gaywifeconfusinglife.blogspot.com/2016/02/the-cartographer-brief-introduction.html

Well, the Actress seems to have ghosted entirely (or is legitimately seeking her own therapy/doing her own work, in which case, well done Actess, I can't wait to reconnect - be it as friends or more - when you're ready). On the other hand, The Cartographer has now emerged... more about her to come. Mrs. Smye has started dating (though she doesn't use that term just yet) and I'm so excited for her! She also met The Cartographer last week and they seem to get on quite well thus far. Lastly - The Cartographer made my therapist cry, in a good way. This is going to be fun!

@@betrthnever, great question. Your answer is here.

@@TinyTink, I will say, from a financial perspective, that kettle bells are far easier to make and customize if you're going to be having lots of different sizes to save some cash. Instructions here