winknsmile

Hi Bariatric Pals!
      My name is Ellen-Nora (winknsmile) and I am very excited to have found this site as I start the research of discovery towards deciding whether weight loss surgery is the right choice for me. I am hoping that with everyone's experience I will be able to gain some insight on the different types of surgery, the good, the bad and the ugly of this whole process towards a healthier lifestyle. What I think will be most beneficial for me is that all of you have been there, felt the way I am feeling now and can relate with the hard choices that lay ahead of me.
   When I read about everyone's journey they seem to start from the few weeks or months leading up to surgery. I guess since I haven't gotten that far in this process I will start my journey as a little girl! Well, I guess you could say little! I was a normal size baby but as I started growing up I noticed that I found comfort in food. I enjoyed everything about it cooking, eating, and especially the way it made me feel. I had two older siblings and because I was not as thin as most of my classmates I was picked on quite often with words that hurt me more than I probably even realized. "Fatty", "Twinkie", "Lard A__" etc. Even though my family was supportive about me losing weight and it was always a subject of conversation there was always cookies and snacks available. It seemed that even though they would want me to lose weight my mom especially also would try to make me feel better by giving me a special treat..lol She of course meant no harm in this, just trying to be a loving mother but obviously the wrong approach to this continuous ongoing problem. Out of this I learned to have false confidence...I developed a sense of humor about my weight. I figured whether on the playground or at my home if I was the first to crack the fat joke then they couldn't do it. Like being the pink elephant that walked in the room, everyone saw it but instead of ignoring it I wore my fat with pride! Well at least everyone thought so...
  Things started getting a little different in middle and high school. I always had guy friends that liked me because of my humor and I did have a very good looking boyfriend in middle school. But in high school I didn't date much, I was always popular but I was the friend that the guys would call to ask my opinion about the other girls they were interested in dating. I would always hear "If they were only like you, you are so easy to talk to". I wanted to scream out, "WELL THEN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!" They couldn't date me, the other guys would make fun of them for dating a chubby girl..lol I probably tried every diet under the sun in high school, but nothing seemed to stick. I always would go back to the food as comfort. I did get asked by one of the most popular guys in school to the prom which was awesome. I will always love that guy because I can remember what he said to me as if it were yesterday, "I was thinking who I would have the most fun with at prom and every time your name came popping up in my mind...so would you like to go to prom with me?" PRICELESS!
     I received an associate degree in Acting and fine arts. My director in college told me (after my mother spoke with him about my weight) that I would probably have to sell myself as an actress as a character actor if I didn't lose weight. I told him that I would sell myself as Ellen-Nora. With that convo my confidence dwindled in the thoughts of being an actress, even though I was so damn good. I got rave reviews! But that lack of confidence deep down for a future in the arts lead me to marrying the first person that really showed me a lt of interest. I got swept me off my feet with wining and dining and flowers...omg the flowers! I had never had that much attention before...he proposed without my family even knowing him and another surprise after being engaged for a couple months was that I was pregnant! The priest said let the people do the math and he married us in the church.
   Most women see a weight change when they get pregnant and then it just is hard to lose. Amazingly during all three of my pregnancies with my boys I was the healthiest I had ever been. I actually lost weight when I was pregnant. I had a doc that was strict with me, he told me that this was the most important marathon I would ever run. So I watched what I ate and walked 2 miles a day. I listened and so pregnancy and delivery was a breeze. I gave birth all natural,
  But life after babies would soon get stressful with three babies my husband decided to go off the deep end with drugs and alcohol. Needless to say, my world was turned upside down! I'll save you the details with all that, but lets just say several years of trying to help him I decided that my kids were worth much more and so was I. Best decision ever made! After some time healing and moving back in with my parents I decided to go back to college and finish my BA this time in Sociology. This gave me much confidence to go back and make good grades! Near the end of finishing I met my current husband Dave. He has been my rock and my children's father.
   Dave is a high school Band director and so all of my kids learned how to play instruments. We have 5 boys (3 mine+ 2 his). They all now live with us accept my oldest is at Davidson College and my senior this year just got accepted to Wake Forest and will be attending there in the Fall. We will have two boys that will be seniors in HS next year. Talk about your empty nest syndrome!
  Some how through all this craziness I got bigger, and would lose, and gain it back, etc. I have sleep apnea, type 2 diabetes (my youngest son has type 1 since age 2), hypertension, depression, etc. I went to a seminar on weight loss surgery and I left there wanting to try a low carb diet one more time! Maybe I had some more fight left in me...maybe this time I could do it! I did lose some weight and lower my A1C level but they had me switching antidepressants and it had side effects that made me more tired and therefore more hungry too! My current weight is 280 (I think) and I am at the wall again banging my head trying to decide what to do. I see all these wonderful people that made that decision to have the surgery and they are running now! Living life to its fullest! I want to be that person that I always imagined I could be with out this noose around my neck. I want to be healthy, I want to be able to drop my meds and my CPAP mask for a life free of possibilities. I want to ride a rollercoaster again without wondering if I can fit in the seat of not. I want my children to be proud of me, I want to see them graduate and I want to hold my grandchildren or better yet run around with them.
   So, I am going to be referred after the holidays to Dr. Fuzz in Winston Salem NC at Wake Forest Hospital. I am hoping to have a consultation and so direction then. Until now, I  am here ready to learn about your journeys and hopefully soon I will continue my path into a before and after story of my own.
Thanks for reading this...
Ellen-Nora