Keeper

Hi Jill, your story speaks directly to me! I can only imagine all the feelings you have had over the course of your journey. I've been going through a really rough head space for a while, and can I say that your words are actually very reassuring to me? My journey does not and has not looked anything like I thought it would. I thought I would be 100 pounds down 1 year post-op and that would be my one and only surgery. Instead, I lost 45 pounds in about 7 months. I started having trouble with what I thought was my band, but turned out to be gall bladder attacks. my husband and I decided to have a surgical fertility procedure done shortly before this, and 3 weeks after that surgery, I was under the knife again to have my gall bladder removed. so in 11 months, I had 3 different surgeries. I had Fluid removed before my gall stones were diagnosed, and my band has not been the same since. Now I am 14 weeks pregnant, and whereas I am excited by this (ecstatic, actually!!) I am mentally freaking out because I am not "on plan" or where I thought I should be. of the 45 pounds I lost, I've gained 30 back. Not all at once, and obviously I will gain during pregnancy. I know I am blabbing but what I am trying to say is I love knowing that there are others who are success stories who take a little more time. That gives me hope that I can start over once this baby is born. I'm trying to remember to give myself grace in the meantime and to just let my story be what it is - my own story.

Warning - this is probably going to be long. In fact, I might even be writing to myself simply because I haven't fully expressed all that I am thinking to anyone, so maybe I just need to get it off my chest. The short: I feel like a total failure. I don't feel like my band has failed me because I think I am the common denominator in my weight issues. I lost 35 pounds relatively quickly after I had surgery in Nov 2014. I had several fills and got to what I believed was my sweet spot and I had hired a private trainer and was exercising. Weight never 'just fell off me' but I was more or less happy with the way I was looking and feeling, around April/May of last year in particular. But then I had to go back to work, my private training sessions ended, my husband transitioned careers and a few other life events. I stopped losing weight. At my lowest weight, I had only lost a total of 50 pounds (around 6 months post-op), but once I started working again, my weight plateaued. And then a few months later, I actually gained a few pounds. Then life REALLY happened. My husband and I decided to have a fertility procedure done that required me to have surgery. Almost immediately I had what I thought was a problem with my band because I had the worst case of nausea and vomiting that I had experienced to that point. I had horrible chest pains and I thought I must have eaten something that got stuck, and even went to the ER. I saw my after care doctor and they did an x-ray and said the opening to my band was thinner than the under wire in my bra (both visible on the x-ray) and they too thought it was a band issue, so they removed fluid. It is the only removal I have had. Long story (sort of) short, it was not a band issue. Turned out to be horrific post surgery induce gall bladder attacks and within 4 weeks of having had my fertility surgery, I was back under the knife to have my gall bladder removed. Most awful experience ever. My band has not been the same since. I feel like I can eat anything and to any amount. When I feel full now it is because I am literally full. I do get stuck on occasion but even there, I think it is because it seems as if I can eat anything and forgot all of my previous changes (eating slower, chewing thoroughly, etc). so my bandiversary came and went in Nov. I've avoided any and all reference to my band because I feel like such a failure. I haven't been on these boards in months. I don't want to read success story after success story and be reminded that I suck and that I am still fat a year later. And now my situation is a bit changed, too. I am pregnant (and SUPER excited to be so), but I have already gained a couple of pounds. I am tempted to have my band emptied completely (my band and pregnancy are not getting along so great at the moment), and then just start brand new once the baby is born. However I do not have any bariatric coverage with my current insurance so I don't know if it is worth it to do that. I am emotionally drained and exhausted. I know pregnancy hormones are part of that, but I felt this way before getting pregnant. If anyone has read this all the way through, I would love some advice and or encouragement. I welcome my changing body but I cringe, literally cringe at the idea of gaining a bunch of pregnancy weight. It's just so hard to have so many mixed emotions, including shame. I'm just kind of at a loss and wondering if others have been here.

I am basically 6 months post-op. I have lost 35 pounds, but I want to quantify that as "only 35 pounds." I struggle with this almost every single day. BUT. I now weigh 249. I have not been under 250 since late teens/early 20's. Yea to a new decade! Or maybe I should say old, haha. I have now worked out with a private trainer twice a week for two months. This was unimaginable a few months ago! I have an actual waist. Not just columnar hidden by chest and hips. I have rock-hard, well defined legs. I walk up my flight of stairs (I live on the 2nd floor) without huffing. I bring in laundry or groceries without straining my arms. and one of my favorites?? My hubby can wrap his arms entirely around me, locking his fingers together. Also, my kids call me skinny but I think they have joke, but I'll take it! So whether you are stalled, hit a plateau, fighting the 'only' demon like me, remember your NSV's. They are a vital part of this process.

"perfection is not possible. Success is." #'s on a scale, clothing tags, calories - whatever - they're feedback, not failures. and my mantra this month, though it is not weight related is 'kindness matters,' but that can actually refer to our journey because we need to be just as kind to ourselves as we are for others. <3

@@Miss Meg I would agree with others that adding exercise in makes a difference! I walk to school almost every day to pick up my youngest son. When I got started doing that, I tried to throw in an extra mile or just take a walk around the block. But about 2 months ago I joined a gym and worked out with a private trainer. I still have to fight the "only" demon- I've ONLY lost 35 pounds, etc. - but working my body has shaped it in ways that I am surprised by. Even when I step on the scale and it barely moves, I flex my calves and am like 'holy sh!t - they're like rocks!' That helped with the mind motivation. But you aren't alone - I am in Dallas and it is hot and muggy already! And all I still want is comfort food, lol.

Buzzfeed can be, well...buzzfeed. But then you get those little gems like the following. I smiled the whole way scrolling through these photos. Enjoy! http://www.buzzfeed.com/javiermoreno/the-beth-project#.jaZ2ozbPD

For me, green is several hours between meals and eating smaller portions. I don't measure my food so I'm not good at saying how much I eat in a sitting, but I'd say typically around half a cup, sometimes more depending on the density of the food. Took me a while to get here though. I've had 6 fills. Most of them in .5 increments. I have to eat so much slower and smaller bites after the last fill I had. I had had a couple of really small stuck episodes before but it was due to eating too fast, not small enough bites. Oh yeah, I learned real quick this last time!!! I hear you on the hiccup thing. I am happy I finally got to this point. I felt like it took forever lol.

Yeah for close to green! On days that I feel I am not getting enough protein I add a shake. Not as a meal replacement necessarily but as added protein and counting toward my hydration. Good luck!

I'm glad they listened to you. I've never had anyone take fluid out before adding. That seems counterproductive to me. Definitely hang in there!! You can do it! :-)

I love your attitude. I find myself saying 'only' as a way to discount any success that I have had. I've lost 35# and I am staying to say the same thing - those are gone forever. So much healthier! Always lose a good 3-5 pounds after a fill but I'm in green now. I'm still not losing as fast as I want but by reminding myself that that weight is gone has helped tremendously. As for meal planning, the best thing you can do is stock up on protein-centric foods and not buy the items that don't help you succeed. I have had to cut out most carbs like bread and pasta (not by preference, mind you!) because I get stuck if I don't. I don't tend to be a meal planner, however. For me, just having the right foods help me make good choices. That's sometimes hard since I have a husband and 2 boys who can and do eat everything they want, lol. Be sure to follow your doc's post-fill liquid/soft recommendations. Add exercise if you aren't currently. And as always, listen to your band. Not sure helpful all this is, and it can certainly be slow sometimes, but I'll be rooting for your one-derland!!! I'll be ecstatic when I get to 200! :-)

I've read that some people go Duran in size and some don't. I would LOVE to be in camp smaller!!! I have worn an 11 most of my life. Cute shoes are definitely limited. Needless to say, this makes me happy at even the prospect!! :-)

my doc prescribes codeine for his patients, but I'm allergic so he gave me tramadol. I have a HIGH pain tolerance and I thought I was going to die. It got much easier by days 4 and 5. I do wish you had something stronger tho! Not sure how little your littles are, but mine are 11 and 7 and I could not keep up with them at all, at first!

I am still obese so I still identify with larger people, but I do feel an *intense* longing to reach out to folks that I see, to tell them that there are options - even though I know that they *know* that. We knew it when we were at our heaviest; we just didn't think it was possible for us. I see this struggle with my identical sister the most. There were a few years when she was 'thin' and healthy and I wasn't. 4 kids for her, marriage, life, same old-same old issues that cause us to become so unhealthy, and she got as heavy as me. But now, for the first time in our lives, I weigh less than she does. She is so happy and thrilled for my success, but jealous, too. I see her struggle with thinking how impossible for her this all could be. I had a moment earlier this week where I had a complete meltdown over...everything. The fact that I 'let myself go' for as long as I did, for being so unhealthy, for being so un-fit. I was so angry at myself. I can very much identify with the self anger you describe. I think it isn't just anger, but a despair of sorts as well. I know that when I look at my beautiful two boys that I don't want them to ever end of like me, or go through the things I have. I'm glad you shared this.

Just another thought; another benefit of going slower is that it helps your head and body adjust to all of the changes to keep our weight off permanently. I know that has been true for me :-)