Keeper

Hi Jill, your story speaks directly to me! I can only imagine all the feelings you have had over the course of your journey. I've been going through a really rough head space for a while, and can I say that your words are actually very reassuring to me? My journey does not and has not looked anything like I thought it would. I thought I would be 100 pounds down 1 year post-op and that would be my one and only surgery. Instead, I lost 45 pounds in about 7 months. I started having trouble with what I thought was my band, but turned out to be gall bladder attacks. my husband and I decided to have a surgical fertility procedure done shortly before this, and 3 weeks after that surgery, I was under the knife again to have my gall bladder removed. so in 11 months, I had 3 different surgeries. I had Fluid removed before my gall stones were diagnosed, and my band has not been the same since. Now I am 14 weeks pregnant, and whereas I am excited by this (ecstatic, actually!!) I am mentally freaking out because I am not "on plan" or where I thought I should be. of the 45 pounds I lost, I've gained 30 back. Not all at once, and obviously I will gain during pregnancy. I know I am blabbing but what I am trying to say is I love knowing that there are others who are success stories who take a little more time. That gives me hope that I can start over once this baby is born. I'm trying to remember to give myself grace in the meantime and to just let my story be what it is - my own story.

Warning - this is probably going to be long. In fact, I might even be writing to myself simply because I haven't fully expressed all that I am thinking to anyone, so maybe I just need to get it off my chest. The short: I feel like a total failure. I don't feel like my band has failed me because I think I am the common denominator in my weight issues. I lost 35 pounds relatively quickly after I had surgery in Nov 2014. I had several fills and got to what I believed was my sweet spot and I had hired a private trainer and was exercising. Weight never 'just fell off me' but I was more or less happy with the way I was looking and feeling, around April/May of last year in particular. But then I had to go back to work, my private training sessions ended, my husband transitioned careers and a few other life events. I stopped losing weight. At my lowest weight, I had only lost a total of 50 pounds (around 6 months post-op), but once I started working again, my weight plateaued. And then a few months later, I actually gained a few pounds. Then life REALLY happened. My husband and I decided to have a fertility procedure done that required me to have surgery. Almost immediately I had what I thought was a problem with my band because I had the worst case of nausea and vomiting that I had experienced to that point. I had horrible chest pains and I thought I must have eaten something that got stuck, and even went to the ER. I saw my after care doctor and they did an x-ray and said the opening to my band was thinner than the under wire in my bra (both visible on the x-ray) and they too thought it was a band issue, so they removed fluid. It is the only removal I have had. Long story (sort of) short, it was not a band issue. Turned out to be horrific post surgery induce gall bladder attacks and within 4 weeks of having had my fertility surgery, I was back under the knife to have my gall bladder removed. Most awful experience ever. My band has not been the same since. I feel like I can eat anything and to any amount. When I feel full now it is because I am literally full. I do get stuck on occasion but even there, I think it is because it seems as if I can eat anything and forgot all of my previous changes (eating slower, chewing thoroughly, etc). so my bandiversary came and went in Nov. I've avoided any and all reference to my band because I feel like such a failure. I haven't been on these boards in months. I don't want to read success story after success story and be reminded that I suck and that I am still fat a year later. And now my situation is a bit changed, too. I am pregnant (and SUPER excited to be so), but I have already gained a couple of pounds. I am tempted to have my band emptied completely (my band and pregnancy are not getting along so great at the moment), and then just start brand new once the baby is born. However I do not have any bariatric coverage with my current insurance so I don't know if it is worth it to do that. I am emotionally drained and exhausted. I know pregnancy hormones are part of that, but I felt this way before getting pregnant. If anyone has read this all the way through, I would love some advice and or encouragement. I welcome my changing body but I cringe, literally cringe at the idea of gaining a bunch of pregnancy weight. It's just so hard to have so many mixed emotions, including shame. I'm just kind of at a loss and wondering if others have been here.

Buzzfeed can be, well...buzzfeed. But then you get those little gems like the following. I smiled the whole way scrolling through these photos. Enjoy! http://www.buzzfeed.com/javiermoreno/the-beth-project#.jaZ2ozbPD

I am basically 6 months post-op. I have lost 35 pounds, but I want to quantify that as "only 35 pounds." I struggle with this almost every single day. BUT. I now weigh 249. I have not been under 250 since late teens/early 20's. Yea to a new decade! Or maybe I should say old, haha. I have now worked out with a private trainer twice a week for two months. This was unimaginable a few months ago! I have an actual waist. Not just columnar hidden by chest and hips. I have rock-hard, well defined legs. I walk up my flight of stairs (I live on the 2nd floor) without huffing. I bring in laundry or groceries without straining my arms. and one of my favorites?? My hubby can wrap his arms entirely around me, locking his fingers together. Also, my kids call me skinny but I think they have joke, but I'll take it! So whether you are stalled, hit a plateau, fighting the 'only' demon like me, remember your NSV's. They are a vital part of this process.

"perfection is not possible. Success is." #'s on a scale, clothing tags, calories - whatever - they're feedback, not failures. and my mantra this month, though it is not weight related is 'kindness matters,' but that can actually refer to our journey because we need to be just as kind to ourselves as we are for others. <3

@@Miss Meg I would agree with others that adding exercise in makes a difference! I walk to school almost every day to pick up my youngest son. When I got started doing that, I tried to throw in an extra mile or just take a walk around the block. But about 2 months ago I joined a gym and worked out with a private trainer. I still have to fight the "only" demon- I've ONLY lost 35 pounds, etc. - but working my body has shaped it in ways that I am surprised by. Even when I step on the scale and it barely moves, I flex my calves and am like 'holy sh!t - they're like rocks!' That helped with the mind motivation. But you aren't alone - I am in Dallas and it is hot and muggy already! And all I still want is comfort food, lol.

For me, green is several hours between meals and eating smaller portions. I don't measure my food so I'm not good at saying how much I eat in a sitting, but I'd say typically around half a cup, sometimes more depending on the density of the food. Took me a while to get here though. I've had 6 fills. Most of them in .5 increments. I have to eat so much slower and smaller bites after the last fill I had. I had had a couple of really small stuck episodes before but it was due to eating too fast, not small enough bites. Oh yeah, I learned real quick this last time!!! I hear you on the hiccup thing. I am happy I finally got to this point. I felt like it took forever lol.

Yeah for close to green! On days that I feel I am not getting enough protein I add a shake. Not as a meal replacement necessarily but as added protein and counting toward my hydration. Good luck!

I'm glad they listened to you. I've never had anyone take fluid out before adding. That seems counterproductive to me. Definitely hang in there!! You can do it! :-)

I love your attitude. I find myself saying 'only' as a way to discount any success that I have had. I've lost 35# and I am staying to say the same thing - those are gone forever. So much healthier! Always lose a good 3-5 pounds after a fill but I'm in green now. I'm still not losing as fast as I want but by reminding myself that that weight is gone has helped tremendously. As for meal planning, the best thing you can do is stock up on protein-centric foods and not buy the items that don't help you succeed. I have had to cut out most carbs like bread and pasta (not by preference, mind you!) because I get stuck if I don't. I don't tend to be a meal planner, however. For me, just having the right foods help me make good choices. That's sometimes hard since I have a husband and 2 boys who can and do eat everything they want, lol. Be sure to follow your doc's post-fill liquid/soft recommendations. Add exercise if you aren't currently. And as always, listen to your band. Not sure helpful all this is, and it can certainly be slow sometimes, but I'll be rooting for your one-derland!!! I'll be ecstatic when I get to 200! :-)

I've read that some people go Duran in size and some don't. I would LOVE to be in camp smaller!!! I have worn an 11 most of my life. Cute shoes are definitely limited. Needless to say, this makes me happy at even the prospect!! :-)

my doc prescribes codeine for his patients, but I'm allergic so he gave me tramadol. I have a HIGH pain tolerance and I thought I was going to die. It got much easier by days 4 and 5. I do wish you had something stronger tho! Not sure how little your littles are, but mine are 11 and 7 and I could not keep up with them at all, at first!

I am still obese so I still identify with larger people, but I do feel an *intense* longing to reach out to folks that I see, to tell them that there are options - even though I know that they *know* that. We knew it when we were at our heaviest; we just didn't think it was possible for us. I see this struggle with my identical sister the most. There were a few years when she was 'thin' and healthy and I wasn't. 4 kids for her, marriage, life, same old-same old issues that cause us to become so unhealthy, and she got as heavy as me. But now, for the first time in our lives, I weigh less than she does. She is so happy and thrilled for my success, but jealous, too. I see her struggle with thinking how impossible for her this all could be. I had a moment earlier this week where I had a complete meltdown over...everything. The fact that I 'let myself go' for as long as I did, for being so unhealthy, for being so un-fit. I was so angry at myself. I can very much identify with the self anger you describe. I think it isn't just anger, but a despair of sorts as well. I know that when I look at my beautiful two boys that I don't want them to ever end of like me, or go through the things I have. I'm glad you shared this.

Just another thought; another benefit of going slower is that it helps your head and body adjust to all of the changes to keep our weight off permanently. I know that has been true for me :-)

exactly - I totally agree! and like you, (and I read this yesterday and laughed), if chocolate is wrong, I don't wanna be right! :-)

couldn't have said it better. Very few people outside hubby and sisters know about my WLS. I am a stay-at-home mom who home schools my oldest. i don't get out much. THIS is my main form of support. Drama NOT needed.

I don't know if my comment will add anything new to this discussion, but I wanted to share a conversation I had with my husband yesterday. I had one of the worst days since surgery and even before surgery yesterday. I joined a boot camp at a gym a few weeks ago and am working with a private trainer to help me n my way of getting fit. I go twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Well last Thursday I wasn't able to go because of getting a fill and another doctor's appointment that day. So I knew yesterday was going to be hellish, but still. I literally cried during the workout. I felt so ashamed at how hard it was, and angry that I let myself get to a point where I was so unhealthy and unfit. I literally high-tailed it out of the gym when it was over and sobbed in my car. When I was calmer, hubby and I talked and here is what he said: We all carry two demons inside of us, the one who tells us we are nothing and the one that tells us we are perfect. The demon who tells us we are failures stands around trying to sell tickets to his fun house. Normally we are able to ignore it and go on about our days, but when we feel our most vulnerable, we succumb. We enter the fun house full of mirrors that reflect our failures, our regrets, our fears, our imperfections. And we are no better for having paid this visit to the fun house when we leave. His words stuck with me all day and even into today, though I feel much better. I am still so early in the process. I have only lost 30 pounds so all I see is a fat person when I look in the mirror. I do try to find things about myself that I love. I have thin wrists and ankles, beautiful hands. I can appreciate my stretch marks from having carried two amazing children. My breasts have been saggy and flat-ish since puberty, lol (meaning I have never liked them and don't expect that to change. But they look good in a good bra!). I am in the camp that wants to get healthy, as of now. I am terrified of becoming dissatisfied once I lose weight. I don't want to wear a bikini necessarily, but I want to wear a one piece without a skirt. I have a tattoo on my wrist that says "I want, I want, I want." it is a quote from a book, but it has pertained so accurately to so many points in my life. The wanting but not knowing what I want; the wanting of things that seem impossible; the wanting of someone who has hope. Like I said, I don't know if this adds anything, but as everyone above has stated, we have all felt this one, in one way or another. There are those of us that are 'jealous' of where you are - having lost your weight, feeling happy, proud, excited for you, and wanting the same for ourselves. We all battle this differently. I guess I just want to send virtual hugs and just say, "I *get* it. You aren't alone."

hi @@Drband14, getting your first fill is exciting - starting to get fills and expecting results is what keeps us going! But, and I know you have probably heard/read this, but just be patient with the process. I did not start to feel restriction until around my 3rd fill, but even then i could still eat foods with ease and more than I should. I know that, especially looking back, but it gets so much better. As for shakes, I disagree a bit. I agree that animal source of Protein is probably best, but don't forget the overall picture of making sure you are getting enough protein in a day. I am never really hungry for breakfast; I've just never been a big Breakfast eater anyway, but even more so now. I like using a shake at this time because it helps with hydration in the morning as well as giving my protein a start to the day. I drink my coffee, a glass of Water, sometimes a shake and don't really eat until lunch. And I believe I am at my green because I am not eating large quantities and if I don't slow down or chew thoroughly enough, I am def at risk for getting stuck. But there is nothing like the feeling of not being hungry. But it took me 6 fills to get to this point. Everyone is different. There are people n here who have never had a fill or only one post-op. And then others like me where it takes time and doing it incrementally. Just hang in there and do your best to follow your doc's recommendations. I find the idea of no carbs for 3 months daunting, but if you can do it, that is awesome! I actually don't eat a ton of carbs like bread, Pasta, etc, but let me just say - chocolate goes down just fine, thankyouverymuch - lol! It's good you have a nutritionist to see. That really is helpful and helps with accountability. Just hang in there and accept that everyone is different, and you will start to see and feel changes as you continue on this journey! good luck :-)

the water/restaurant one cracked me up. I never really drank and ate at the same time which has often baffled people, and all the more so post-op. I learned a long time ago to just place my hand over the glass when the server comes around so that they don't keep asking me over and over if I need something else.

you are so brave and awesome! I have always hated to run. hate it. But there is a part of me that wants to do this because I can only imagine what a sense of..empowerment one has when they can conquer running. Either by learning to love it or simply ding something that they once upon a time couldn't do. But I hear you on hip pain. I joined a gym and there are days that I ache, more my knees than anything. but congrats! Proud of and for you!!

The one and only time I ever had a similar sensation was the day of my very first fill, when I was drinking a cup of Water in the lobby before leaving. I hear people say all the time to not drink too fast, and there is a part of me that is just perplexed, lol. Don't get me wrong, I am not a wolfer or chugger, but I don't exactly pause between sips. I am almost curius to know what this feels like, but in the meantime - I'm good! but I do hope your discomfort goes away. I have heard some people advise to just give your fill a few days to give your body time to adjust. As always, listen to your body and see your doc if things don't get better. Take care!

I posted last month that I thought I was at green. Nope! I didn't lose a single pound last month and I didn't change anything - except for join a gym, lol. I got half a cc and now have 6.5 cc's in my band. But, really, I am going to give a teeny tiny mini rant. All of my fills are done at an aftercare center, which is fine. My office has been in flux since my frst fill and have moved twice. My 1st fill was at their old office, all the others at their 'new' temporary offices, and by my next follow up they will be in their 'new' permanent office. The nurses who take the vitals have all been the same but I have seen a different tech every single time. Not a bad thing, just noting. For my 2nd fill they used an x-ray and when I mentioned that on my 3rd visit the tech just shook her head and said there was no reason for that, lol. Anyway, so the guy I saw this time came in and proceeded to...offer all kinds of information, and saying how most people at my stage don't actually need a fill; they need a dietary adjustment. i was a little annoyed at this, but I chose to look at it as an opportunity to learn and all that jazz. So asked a question here and there and his response was "you need to quit watching Oprah and Dr. Oz." Say whaaaa? A) I never mentioned them or anything they might have said considering diet or the band and I don't watch them at all! And then when I asked a question about losing goal weight in the first year, that I had read several places where it has been said that if you don't lose a significant amount of the weight you need to in the first year, it gets a lot harder after that. He told me I need to stop reading ".com" articles and start reading ".edu" articles. At that I actually snapped back, replying that my husband works at a university and I know just how reliable all their publications can be... So aggravating! I am sure his intentions were good. There was part of me that thought - gee, I should have had this about 3 fills ago, lol, but mostly I walked away thinking the visit could have been so much more helpful had he just been nice instead of a jerk. ok, rant done! If you read this far, laugh with me! :-) I guess I get the last laugh because I really believe I am at my green, and I am happy and satisfied. I will go for at least another follow up visit, but I think I am done with fills.

I had my 5th fill (they have all been slow and incremental - slow and steady) last Thursday, and I think I can say with authority *this* time that I think I am at green! :-) I didn't lose a pound this past month. I was frustrated, especially after feeling so great initially, but I can say this. Yes, you (I) do get hungry, but comparing today to last month is night and day. I've never been a Breakfast eater so depending on what time I get up my first meal would generally be around 10. Today I don't think i ate until noon. And I am just now sort of getting hungry, but I know i will be cooking dinner soon. In the past I would have run for a snack, but right now I am like, "meh. I can probably wait." That feels amazing!!

I just had my 4th fill and I feel great. I have not felt very hungry at all these past few days. Leading up to this fill, I could go about 4 hours between meals but I could still eat larger amounts than what I knew I should be doing. My doc's office was happy since I had lost 8 pounds since the last fill, but I knew I wanted another fill. I have high hopes that this could put me at my sweet spot. I am 6 cc's in my 10 cc band.