Gailypooh1

It is an official new year. whoohoo. Today, Carl and I went thru all of my old clothes. I am preparing for a new me. That sounds just so cliche. I am nervous, scared, anxious and more than ready for friday. I am sooo going to miss food. I hope to replace food with exercise. The thought scares me but I need to do this or I will die. Die. DieT. Too close for comfort. I will either die of medical problems or die from depression.. which is a medical problem but.... whatever. I cant wait to be a skinny bitch. lol. So many find that statement offensive. I guess I cant explain what it really means to me but it has no bad connotations at all. I hope this year will be better than last year. I hope to come back out of my shell or atleast crawl out from under my rock a bit more. It just seems that the fat me doesnt want to do anything but sleep. I hope the smaller me want to go out and see the world. I am tired of being reclusive and anti-social. I hate people but thats because of how they have treated me. The collective "they" have ruined things for so many. They are done ruining things for me. I'm tired of being treated like crap cuz I am fat. I dont treat others badly because of how they look. Some people are just ignorant fools and dont deserve my kindness yet, they get it anyway. My biggest frustrations lately are from others who are soooo critical of me and my desire to have the lap band. These are people who dont know what its like to be me. I must show a positive side of myself because no one seems to really know how miserable and sad I am. There is one girl at work who is getting pudgy but is still a stick. She is the one person I had hoped would be a support person to me and she is soooo damn critical of me and the whole thing. She keeps telling me just to lose it on my own. Yeah, like thats so easy. I lose 1 pound and gain 2 back. Whoops.. failed again, 2 more points deducted from my self-esteem. My sister-in-law was to have been a support system too but boy did she screw that one up. I have never felt too close to her and that has kinda bothered me. I was really hoping this shared experience would bring us closer together. Instead it has ripped us apart and is causing problems in my marriage. The marriage thing can be fixed. The whole thing with her... who knows. Right now, I dont want o see her at all. She claims what she said was just "words." She of all people should know that words are really what hurts the most. Wounds heal.. words stay with you forever. My brother is against this whole thing too but he has not taken the time to talk to me avout it. Shit, he thinks I am going bypass. I truly dont have time in my life to deal with negative people. My mother says to me the other day.. "you are going to be so pretty when you lose the weight." So, being me, I ask if I am ugly now. My mother tried to remover her foot from her mouth to tell me that I am pretty now but... If she wasnt old and well, old, I would have told her what I was thinking at that moment. Which was, "way to bring me down mom." She had good intentions with her statement but it still bothers me (obviously). My husband has been good thru all of this. He has been acting up lately though. He doesnt see that his behavior is killing me. The attitude coming from him is sooo hard to deal with right now. He doesnt realize he is behaving badly. He need to chill. I actually feel like my banding process may affect our relationship in more ways that just what is going on with his sister. He is so all about food. The second we leave the house, he is all about where are we going to eat?!. Its hard for me cuz I hate cooking so I just go eat with him and heaven forbid I make a good food decision. I dont think he is going to handle the food changes well. I hope I can resist that overwhelming temptation to go out to eat all the time. I think I may be done venting/rambling. Friday is going to be here before I know it. I am scared. I will do this. I will be fine. I will be a skinny bitch. I will leave the house. I will take care of myself. I will say F.U. to all the ney-sayers. I will not cry. I will not fail again. I will not let myself down yet again.

I am on my way to the hospital in a few minutes. I weighed in today at a whopping 229. I am ready to do this. I am not looking forward to staying at the hospital overnight. 23 hour day stay. YUCK. I hate Baystate's beds. Last time, I got to go home to my comfy couch. I am looking forward to that. OKAY... fingers crossed, prayer said. I am outta here for now. I hope to return a banded woman!

I am on my way to the hospital in a few minutes. I weighed in today at a whopping 229. I am ready to do this. I am not looking forward to staying at the hospital overnight. 23 hour day stay. YUCK. I hate Baystate's beds. Last time, I got to go home to my comfy couch. I am looking forward to that. OKAY... fingers crossed, prayer said. I am outta here for now. I hope to return a banded woman!

Seriously, I just KICKED the top stair on my staircase. I am sitting here with ice on my damn toe thinking thoughts that are a bit more crude than OUCH. Today was a loooong freakin day. I wasnt even thru the door at work, my time card not even swiped yet when it began... "Tomorrow:bounce:are you excited???" I give up. Then our computers go down at 7:05 am. So, I clean out my desk and bring my uneaten and not liked protein bars to a coworker 3 offices away and get stuck for 40 minutes or so explaining the lap band and how it isnt the gastric bypass. I am explaining this to 2 skinny chicks that I'd really just rather kick. The day drags on and then its lunchtime. It begins again. One full hour of not being able to enjoy my last salad and orange for a long while. Now, I know that this is all my own fault. If I had kept to my plan of not saying anything to anyone, I wouldnt have to defend/explain myself daily. But, I have a big yap. Besides, after the failed attempt at banding in November, everyone knew. So, after 5 million hugs and pats on the back, I got to go home. I am 14 hours away from sliding in to the hospital and 15.5 hours away from la-la land as the doctors once again attempt to band my stomach. Now if only we could band my rampant thoughts. I have come to realize that no matter how much weight I lose, I will always be the fat girl. I have the "good personality." Someone told me that today... "you have such a good personality." Screw you. I developed this so called good personality because I was fat. I have told my husband that I am so tired of being nice to people. Especially people who dont deserve nice. There is this one person in my life that is driving me insane. She downs me daily for doing this yet she bitches constantly about the weight she has gained and how she cant lose it... blah, blah, blah. Serious verbal diarrhea from her. I consider the source but I just want to yell BACK OFF BITCH. I dont. I am NICE. I may stop being nice someday but for now, I suck it up. I'd like to think that she is experiencing jealousy but I dunno. Jealousy is an odd thing. Today, (everyone had words of wisdom) I was told that I will know when I have acheived success because other women will be rude to me. I'm thinking other women are already rude to me. Only now I hear fat bitch and later I will hear skinny bitch. Whatever. I am off to eat my last ever kit kat as I have convinced myself that I can never have another one. That's not such a bad mind game to play with myself...

Seriously, I just KICKED the top stair on my staircase. I am sitting here with ice on my damn toe thinking thoughts that are a bit more crude than OUCH. Today was a loooong freakin day. I wasnt even thru the door at work, my time card not even swiped yet when it began... "Tomorrow:bounce:are you excited???" I give up. Then our computers go down at 7:05 am. So, I clean out my desk and bring my uneaten and not liked protein bars to a coworker 3 offices away and get stuck for 40 minutes or so explaining the lap band and how it isnt the gastric bypass. I am explaining this to 2 skinny chicks that I'd really just rather kick. The day drags on and then its lunchtime. It begins again. One full hour of not being able to enjoy my last salad and orange for a long while. Now, I know that this is all my own fault. If I had kept to my plan of not saying anything to anyone, I wouldnt have to defend/explain myself daily. But, I have a big yap. Besides, after the failed attempt at banding in November, everyone knew. So, after 5 million hugs and pats on the back, I got to go home. I am 14 hours away from sliding in to the hospital and 15.5 hours away from la-la land as the doctors once again attempt to band my stomach. Now if only we could band my rampant thoughts. I have come to realize that no matter how much weight I lose, I will always be the fat girl. I have the "good personality." Someone told me that today... "you have such a good personality." Screw you. I developed this so called good personality because I was fat. I have told my husband that I am so tired of being nice to people. Especially people who dont deserve nice. There is this one person in my life that is driving me insane. She downs me daily for doing this yet she bitches constantly about the weight she has gained and how she cant lose it... blah, blah, blah. Serious verbal diarrhea from her. I consider the source but I just want to yell BACK OFF BITCH. I dont. I am NICE. I may stop being nice someday but for now, I suck it up. I'd like to think that she is experiencing jealousy but I dunno. Jealousy is an odd thing. Today, (everyone had words of wisdom) I was told that I will know when I have acheived success because other women will be rude to me. I'm thinking other women are already rude to me. Only now I hear fat bitch and later I will hear skinny bitch. Whatever. I am off to eat my last ever kit kat as I have convinced myself that I can never have another one. That's not such a bad mind game to play with myself...

Journey? Why the drama? It wasnt a "journey" to fatness... it was an adventure revolving around food. So I am on a JOURNEY to lose weight. Oh what-the-f-ever. I have one more loooong day at work til Friday. I am really getting tired of the questions.. "whens your BIG day?." "Are you excited?" Okay, enough already we went thru this in November when I had to have a fatty liver and a doctor who wussed out and didnt finish the surgery. Friday's the day, YES, I am excited. What do they want me to say??? I'm scared shitless? Well guess what? I am. I am a food addict going to rehab the hard way. I grew up watching family members smoke, drink, do drugs and I swore I would never be addicted like that. Oh shit. I'm addicted to food. My lungs arent black, my liver has no cirrohsis, my brain cells are intact (for the most part) but dammit, I now weigh 225 pounds. I went thru my clothing on New Years Day. I have pants/shorts from a 22 to an 8. Okay, the 8's still have the tag on them but obviously I must have thought that I'd wear them someday. How does one go from 168 to 240 in 5 years? Holy crap. So, being the pack-rat that I am, I have clothes to downsize in to after Friday. Some of them I cant wait to wear again, some of them I cant wait to wear for the first time. I have bikini's that are just calling my name. I dont know if I will wear them this summer or next but I WILL WEAR THEM. I might even wear them in public... heheehee. Right now, I will not get my thunderchunk ass in a bathing suit. I think what I most look forward to is getting rid of the granny panties and wearing cute undies again. Why dont the hanes-her-way people make attractive undies for us big girls? Once ya hit a size 8 undie, why do they only come in white? After a zillion trips thru the washer with all the other clothes, they are an attractive shade of grunge. One would think that big girl's would want nice undies to attempt to feel good. Think about it... we are big, we wake up and shower washing our excess fat lumps. Dry off, indulge in some self-lothing then put on a grungy looking pair of granny panties.. WHOA.. way to feel sexy. Maybe I will make affordable and yet NICE undies for big girls....

It is an official new year. whoohoo. Today, Carl and I went thru all of my old clothes. I am preparing for a new me. That sounds just so cliche. I am nervous, scared, anxious and more than ready for friday. I am sooo going to miss food. I hope to replace food with exercise. The thought scares me but I need to do this or I will die. Die. DieT. Too close for comfort. I will either die of medical problems or die from depression.. which is a medical problem but.... whatever. I cant wait to be a skinny bitch. lol. So many find that statement offensive. I guess I cant explain what it really means to me but it has no bad connotations at all. I hope this year will be better than last year. I hope to come back out of my shell or atleast crawl out from under my rock a bit more. It just seems that the fat me doesnt want to do anything but sleep. I hope the smaller me want to go out and see the world. I am tired of being reclusive and anti-social. I hate people but thats because of how they have treated me. The collective "they" have ruined things for so many. They are done ruining things for me. I'm tired of being treated like crap cuz I am fat. I dont treat others badly because of how they look. Some people are just ignorant fools and dont deserve my kindness yet, they get it anyway. My biggest frustrations lately are from others who are soooo critical of me and my desire to have the lap band. These are people who dont know what its like to be me. I must show a positive side of myself because no one seems to really know how miserable and sad I am. There is one girl at work who is getting pudgy but is still a stick. She is the one person I had hoped would be a support person to me and she is soooo damn critical of me and the whole thing. She keeps telling me just to lose it on my own. Yeah, like thats so easy. I lose 1 pound and gain 2 back. Whoops.. failed again, 2 more points deducted from my self-esteem. My sister-in-law was to have been a support system too but boy did she screw that one up. I have never felt too close to her and that has kinda bothered me. I was really hoping this shared experience would bring us closer together. Instead it has ripped us apart and is causing problems in my marriage. The marriage thing can be fixed. The whole thing with her... who knows. Right now, I dont want o see her at all. She claims what she said was just "words." She of all people should know that words are really what hurts the most. Wounds heal.. words stay with you forever. My brother is against this whole thing too but he has not taken the time to talk to me avout it. Shit, he thinks I am going bypass. I truly dont have time in my life to deal with negative people. My mother says to me the other day.. "you are going to be so pretty when you lose the weight." So, being me, I ask if I am ugly now. My mother tried to remover her foot from her mouth to tell me that I am pretty now but... If she wasnt old and well, old, I would have told her what I was thinking at that moment. Which was, "way to bring me down mom." She had good intentions with her statement but it still bothers me (obviously). My husband has been good thru all of this. He has been acting up lately though. He doesnt see that his behavior is killing me. The attitude coming from him is sooo hard to deal with right now. He doesnt realize he is behaving badly. He need to chill. I actually feel like my banding process may affect our relationship in more ways that just what is going on with his sister. He is so all about food. The second we leave the house, he is all about where are we going to eat?!. Its hard for me cuz I hate cooking so I just go eat with him and heaven forbid I make a good food decision. I dont think he is going to handle the food changes well. I hope I can resist that overwhelming temptation to go out to eat all the time. I think I may be done venting/rambling. Friday is going to be here before I know it. I am scared. I will do this. I will be fine. I will be a skinny bitch. I will leave the house. I will take care of myself. I will say F.U. to all the ney-sayers. I will not cry. I will not fail again. I will not let myself down yet again.