FuelMan

Me too....... I was on Prozac for a couple of years and the side effects where too much, so the shrink cave me Zoloff. It was great. I tell people that I have made 2 big changes in my life, first I quit drinking & drugs, been clean for 24 years. And then it was tak'in Zoloff. I am now on Effexor, because the Zoloff is a killer on the sex drive (Effexor ain't much better, but a little), but if it was a toss up between having an orgasm or not killing anyone or myself, I pick, not killing anyone or myself. There is still a lot of fun in bed, but as for me, orgasm's are few and far between, no biggie. Before the only thing I wanted was to make decision weather it was genocide, homicide or suicide. Today, I am becoming the person I was born to be, I am no longer afraid of crowed places or close rooms, or made up stress. I used to think, I would trade places with anybody in the world, everyone had it better then me, and that just ain't true. At one time I thought, my whole problem was being FAT, and I lost almost 300 lbs. I was 230 lbs. Now...... my life should be normal and I should be happy, right??? Wrong....... I ended up sitting in the driveway with a 38 in my mouth. Now what's wrong with this picture?? It was another 10 years before I started taking Zoloff, but since then.... I have my whole life in front of me and it's much better, it's like I started over. Now, I am a loving father, husband, friend, son, brother and I have the whole world in front of me. Someday, when I get to goal weight I will try weaning off the Effexor, but for now I am happy taking it for the rest of my life. Great thread. Butch PS. It takes sometimes 5 weeks to take effect.

I hear what your say'in Tommy, but food is a comfort thing, and eatting brings that comfort, no matter what the cost. being fat can be a gene-O thing, but eating to where you are 100+ lbs overweight is more then genes or just eating a little too much. It's not genes that cause us to eat ourself's into a grave, or into a wheelchair, it's self hate and low self essteam. I can understand that there might be a few out there that might not fit this, but........... let's be real, eatting like we are going to the chair ain't no way, no how normal. Butch

Now, as for fears.......... The fear of some animal bitting my foot while lieing in bed. Or if I am near a car at night, something coming out and bitting my foot. I think I have this fear, cause I'm fat and have a heck of a time reaching my feet, and if there was some furry big tooth animal latched on to my tootsie's, I would be not be able to reach him and yank him off. Just the thought of it makes my toes curl up, and I pull my feet under the chair. Butch

I have had the band fo almost 3 years and you have to give it time. And remember this is a tool, not the answere. There are pleanty of people who have learned to "Beat The Band". So follow your doctors advice, and go for fill's often, or when needed. If you can eat too much???? You need a fill. Talk to al lot of people, and take wht you want and leave the rest, there are no doctors here, and make sure you don't go doing something stupid, without checking with your own doctor. Butch

I have had this band for almost 3 years, and I have.... as for lately done the same thing. I know all about addiction, like some others I have been Clean for over 24 years. I have also lost over 1500 lbs in that time. Until this LAP-BAN. The 200 I have lost....... ain't never coming back. What is needed is a fill. That goes for me also. I need to have my band tighten, when I can eat too much, and throw up, my band is too loose. I would have had a fill last year, but here in North Central Florida, there are a couple of doctors who do the surgery, but they won't do Fill's on anyone who did not get there Lap-Ban installed by them. So I am going back to New York this spring and have it done there. I am pissed at the dostors down here, but what can Ya do. Even though I have been able to eat like normal people, I am still loseing weight (Thank GOD), but I still have a long way to go, and I ain't gett'in no younger. Make an appointment for a fill with your doctor, and you will be, back on track. Butch

This is a "Way Kool" thread. I have been following it from the beginning. The way each of us see's the world and everything around us, like men, women, money, sex, etc........... is quite different. We each see things, through our own eyes, and interprets it in our own mines. That mind is effected by the many things we have been through in our life's. NOW, that being said......... the fact that so many people see things differently, who's FAT, who's a SLOB, who looks good........... and so on. What some people would think ugly, fat, sloppy, is within there own mind, it's all relative. "One Man's Meat, is Another Man's Poison". What I think is, that the reason we are FAT (and I mean FAT to the point of being unhealthy) is because we are trying to comfort some past hurt, or abuse. If you look into every FAT person's past, I'll bet my bottom dollar that there is some hurt they are trying to comfort. The hurt may be large or small, there again it's a relative thing. You see, my hurt seem's larger and more important then everyone else's. But..... in reality we are hurt, and we are all trying to heal and deal the best we can. We should try to support and encourage each other to work through that past hurt, it's better then blow smoke up each other's "butt's". The last thing I want someone to say is: "Just put a smile on you face, and change you altitude, you are beautiful just the way you are,......... and so on. BULLS___T. I need a good dose of reality, " I AM FAT" and I am going to kill myself with food. I might not be ready to hear this, but that don't mean I don't say it. If I am your friend I will try to break your denial of you self-image. I am in total agreement with "CLEVERGRRLY", she has the right idea. This thread is not about make-up, and looking good to the outside world. It's about why do I hate myself so much, I am trying to kill myself with FOOD. Ain't that the real point of the matter??? We are "EATING OURSELF'S TO DEATH". I heard one time someone say: "We are digging our own grave, a forkful at a Time". Now that struck me as right to the point. I am still wishing we would have a "FAT AWARENESS DAY". My own little day dream. Butch

I see it as fat is not the problem, as I have lost tons of weight. And I was even almost normal for about 10 min's. What I think is, that FAT is doing something for me, I am comfortable, and the eating makes me feel loved, warm & satisfied. There's some deeper problems then just the weight, the weight is a side effect of the problem. Some people do drugs, drink, spend, compulsive sex & porn, work, ect............. whatever. We do any number of things not to feel some long ago hurt or abuse. The thing today is to know that you are doing this and you are the only one that is going to be able something about it. This is just my process, and maybe it will help someone. I have become enlighten to the fact that I am FAT. I don't need anyone asking or saying anything about my being FAT, because...... I am the one to bring it up. I am the one to say I have a problem with food, I am the one to ask, "Is that Chair going to hold ME?" There are all kinds of way's to bring it up in my daily life, I am fully aware of my weight. I don't go around wearing stuff that is too small, I am not in denile!!!! I wear stuff that either fits, or stuff that is a little too big, because I have lost weight. Anyway....... I think we should have a "FAT AWARENESS DAY", where all FAT people can come and be themself's, we can talk openly about how we feel, and what (if anything) we are doing about it. Well, it was just a thought. To "Dody", I know the show you are talk'in about, that lady dressed up as FAT on city street's. Well..... let me tell you, if that lady dressed up down here in my neck of the woods (back wood Florida) she would have been treated just as well as anyone else, in fact she might have had a pass made at her, or maybe been asked out on a date, LOL, no kidding.

I truly love this thread. I did write something a week or so ago, and just forgot about it. Well, now that it's been bumped up again, and I have read the added comments, MAN, do I feel uncomfortable. I don't know anyone who was fatter then me, maybe I might have seen someone, but I never knew if the person was fatter then me or not. I still don't have that....eye for judging who is fatter then me, and who is not. To tell the truth, I was eating in the Olive Garden, in Ocala the other day, and this really fat guy sat near me. I could not hear what anyone else at the table was say'in because I was to busy watch'in this fat guy. I was so uncomfortable, I mean this was just Sunday evening. I wanted him to move, or I wanted to move myself, but, was afraid to get up that someone might judge me with this other fat guy. At first when I moved to Florida's central west coast, it was great that there are so many really fat people, it's like I was not alone. In New York ( The North Shore of Long Island to be more to the point. The Gold Coast, Yuppie Heaven) there was not too many fat people. It's like when you saw another fatty you wanted to run up and say Hello (well........ maybe not run, but walk quickly). I was like 600 lbs. and I was scared S___Less to go to my kid's school, or to the mall, or to a public place for fear of being made fun of, or some little kids making fun of me. I mean, this had to be so hard for my family, and friends, mostly my kid's. I was forever making sure I was in a safe place. When we had to go out for dinner, I would have to check the chairs before hand, to make sure they would hold me. It was very hard, and very humiliating being that fat. You would think I would have some compassion for other fatty's.......... NO WAY, I truly HATE them. They say, you only hate in others what you hate in yourself. Well... I hate being fat. I have hated it forever. I thought being fat was my whole problem, if I was just skinny, everything would be great......... Well, that ain't quite SO. When I first lost some tonnage, like almost 400 lbs. and was 235, and plenty buff. I thought all my problems should be gone, right???? NOT....... I ended up sitting in my driveway with a 38 revolver in my month. Something wrong with this picture??? Dam right. Being fat was not my problem, it was the effect of my problem. I have to dig around in my past and figure out why I found so much comfort in food. Of course, while doing that I was, back on my way to the size 68 pants & 7X shirts (good thing I did not give them away). All this time I was still trying to lost weight and keep it under some kind of control. Now, the Lap-Ban, and whole cow......... I am finely ready to lose some weight. I have lost some 200 lbs. and still looking at more weight loss. I am an enlighten fat person, and know my limitation's, and I know how I look and I am not afraid to call myself fat or take a good honest look at ME. I still however....... Have this aversion to other fat people. I am embarrassed for them. I guess I am embarrassed for myself as well. OH, what craziness, I wish I could have talked to this other fat guy the other night, but it would have been too embarrassing. We should have a......... FAT AWARENESS DAY. Where all fat people can come together and talk about being FAT. What do you think?????? I guess we ain't all that enlighten????? Butch

I sure will, thank youso much for the info. I live 60 miles north of Tampa, near the coast. So it's a lot easyer to go there then NY. I am so happy, I really don't want to go back, I love Florida. Thanks again, Butch

I am not near any kind of goal weight, but after losing 200 lbs. there is quite a bit of excess skin. I mean..... quite a bit. But the skin you can see, ain't too bad, although there is more wrinkles. When I first found this out was when I was riding my bike (motorcycle, LOL) and when I got over 70 mph, my face started do'in this crazy thing, waves started at my neck and waved right up my cheek. It felt weird, so I looked in the mirror and I had to slow down because I was laughing so much. It was the weirdest thing I ever saw, or felt. Now I have to be careful if there is any girls around and not go too fast or keep my head down when riding. You Know, How Can You Look Kool When You Got Waves Ride'in up your Face. Butch

I to also came from an overweight household. Mom was always on a diet, or pills. I caught the brunt of her anger at her out of control eating. I was also her eating buddy when she needed comforting. I guess, I found out early just how comforting food can be. What I did not know was how destructive overeating can be. As I grew up, there was always a weight problem, and I was always the biggest kid in the class, so you can image the jokes and teasing. I did learn to fight and shrug stuff off, or laugh. I never went to doctors for that same reason, "you would break a finger, and the doctor would tell you to go on a diet". I understand more now, and I see things in a different light. I was trying to lose weight all those years, by bulling my way through it. I have lost over 1000 lbs in the last 20 years. 200 lbs off & 200 lbs back on. When I was at a more normal weight, I had no idea who I was. I would look in the mirror and not even see me, I could not be this person. So many feelings came up for me I had to start eat'in, like I was going to the Chair, or I would fly off the face of the earth. Today I am an enlighten fat person, and I know who I am and who I want to become. I except myself with the "Jelly Donut", this way I can except myself without it. I know I am fat (370) and there is stuff I can and can't do. But, it's not like I don't know it, DAM who do you think lives in this body??? Anyway, this is a great thread, and I would love to see it keep going. Best to all you guy's, and keep up the good work. Peace Butch

I have been banded since 2/18/02, I am down to about 370. It is the best thing I have ever done (besides getting clean: no drugs and alcohol in 24 years) I wish I had done it a lot sooned. I did look into the "By Pass", but it was too scary for my fat ass. So when the Ban came out I got right on board. Since moving to Florida the weight loss has been kind of slow. I need a fill, and no doctors down here will do it, what BULL ____!! So I will have to go back to NY this summer to get filled up. But, all in all I am, Sooooooo happy with my weight loss, and the Lap-Ban. I have told everyone about it. Butch

I totally agree with the "Gentlespirit". When we have had enough of life by cause of a incurable disease, it is time to go. Not all of us can do this, but...... the ones that choose to take the final exit, should be able to go with friends and loved one's around. My best friend in the world had to go out alone. He had AIDS and it came to a point where living was tuffer then fighting the disease. He fought it as hard as he could for years, and finely after a year in bed with all kinds of illnesses due to the AIDS, He took the last step. That was back in 86' when there was not much you could do about AIDS but wait. Even after all these years I am still heart broken over this. He had no one to support him as he slipped away, no one to hold his hand, and make him feel a little comfortable. He was so afraid we would get into trouble over this. I blame society for this. We are so ill prepared for the end. In my 25 years clean from drugs and alcohol, I have dealt with a lot of death. Burying many friends, due to AIDS or overdose. And I see just how unprepared we are. My mother-in-law is dyeing because of her lungs, and she is scared senseless, I try and comfortable her but there is no dealing with her. When she finally goes she will be out of her mind with fear. Shame on the medical industry, they hype us up thinking we can live forever, with enough drugs. And they charge by the day, pumping more and more drugs, and more test at the cost of our......... what? Money? Insurance? Peace of Mind? Sorry about the rant but I am so upset at how the "West" deals with death. We are all going to die, we might as well get use to it from the beginning, dealing with it in a spiritually manner. I guess this has nothing to do with WLS, or losing weight, but...... I still say "If you are sick enough to eat yourself into Morbid Obesity, you are digging your own grave a forkful at a time".Butch

Ya know, this thread has been going on for awhile, and I do see & hear myself in most of you. I know eating compulsively is a way to deal with life, and it seems a comfort. It makes me feel loved, or that I am loving myself. Then there is the outcome, the FAT. Now everyone knows I have big problems (no pun intended). OK, now I am dealing with it, it being the fat and the reasons for complusive overeating. I am dealing with the fact that I am a good person, and I am a wonderful friend, father, husband, worker, human. You see there was a time I did not feel like that, I thought I was not worth the air God gave me to breath. As I thought of killing myself on a daily bases, I know now it was God who wanted me around for some reason. I am just figureing out now. I needed to hurt the part of myself that was no good, or faulty. I need that part of me dead. I know it sounds strange, but the crazy thing is I believed if I killed off part of me, the real part or the good part would keep on living. WELL...... now I know better, I have to deal with my shortcomings, and with the help of God, I am dealing with them. I feel like a worth while person, and a part of my own life. The thing that really piss's me off is this........ They add stuff to the food to make us eat more and comsume more food. Then when we get FAT. Now, they have this "NO FAT RULE" in affect, and the rest of the world makes fun of you, and you are the butt of every joke and no one sees you as worth while. It's a crappy rule this "No fat rule" but, Madison Ave. can't make money, and the diet company's, and the exercise company's, and all the weight loss business's would go down in smoke. Weight Loss, is a 9 billion dollar a year business, and they can't lose that money now!!! They will do whatever it takes to keep it going. So we must become enlighten fat people and fight this "No Fat Rule", and fight the big business GREED. Sorry for the rant.Butch

Well........ I have a fatal disease, it is Compulsive Overeating. The death I am talking about is the death that comes from the inside, out. It's that "Hole In The Soul" stuff, that you try to fill with food.......And there is never enough. It's not like having a Fudge Sunday....It's like having a 5 gallon pail of ice cream and 2 or 3 quarts of fudge. I mean eating till you are sick, and you cry yourself to sleep, just to get up the next day and do it Again. When you can't fit out the door, and you are still eating. You can't fit in the car, so you get someone to get your food or have it sent in. There is never enough. You eat before a party, just incase there is not enough, or you don't want to eat too much in front of people. You eat alone in the dark. You stuff that don't taste good. This is the Pain of which I am speaking, I know there is more painful way to die, AIDS for one....... but, this is real to me, and I can touch it and talk about it freely, for once in my life. I don't need to hide it any more, and I can call it by name.... "I will never except myself without the donut, unless I can except myself with the Donut". I am free for the first time in my life, and I am the thinnest in about 10 years. I will never be back there. I am still 150 lbs over weight, but I will be losing that as soon as I can find a doctor in this backwards part of the state. Or I will have to wait till I go back to New York this coming summer. Butch

See now you guy's are talking. When someone dies from a heart attach, diabetes, liver disorder, or other related fat deaths, and they are really fat (like over 100 lbs over weight). Then in my book I would see it as a self inflicted death, suicide. I can't think of any other more painful, or more sorrowful way to die, then to eat ones self to death. Butch

I have said before and I will say again, that if a person is more then 100 lbs over weight, there are not in control of there food and are putting there life at risk. I have been fat my entire life, running from what I was feeling inside, not able to deal with the feelings of self loathing, I ate to fill that lonely place inside where I was so empty. I ate and acted the clown, I was fun to be around, and was always cracking people up, I was the life of the party, and someone everyone loved to be around. I was always invited to all the party's and gatherings, never letting anyone know how bad I felt inside. Just like Jenna's Mom, I loved my food, and loved to eat. If I just kept it to party's and going out times, that would have been fine, BUT......... It was the time's ALONE, when no one was around that the real self bashing took place, I would eat everything in site, I would eat all day and never rested till it was all finished. I remember going to someone's house for a morning get together, and stopping at Dunkin Donuts for 2 dozen Donuts. On the way to the place I ate one of the dozen's. And when I got there, and putting the other dozen on the table, I looked so carefully for just the right donut I would have for Breakfast. NOW, if that is not trying to kill yourself....... WHAT IS??? I talk to a lot of fat people (including myself) and there are many stories, and if you are more then 100 lbs overweight, believe it or not you have a serious problem. And only you can be the one to know the truth for sure. If you eat alone or in the car where no one can see, how much you are eating and, you are hiding your eating????? Then you are silently trying to kill yourself!!! That is suicide on the installment plan. Please be honest about your eating, and tell someone how much you are eating when the lights are off and no one is home, eating in the dark. My sister has been in the mental ward 3 times since her WLS, and I do believe it is from having her crutch of overeating removed. If you are some of these people on this post who cannot see how badly your health is by being so fat, and you are telling yourself a bunch of lies so you don't have to see the truth of your state. Please be honest with yourself and start telling the truth of how you are eating, and how much you are eating, let the truth set you free. Be an "Enlighten Fat Person". Butch

I have been through a lot of stuff trying to lose weight, (Just Like Most of you guy's). And one of them was going to a eating Disorder Hospital in Orlando, the name of the place was Orlando General Hospital. It was there I learned just how badly we fat people are trying to kill our self's with food. It's not an overt thing it more covert in nature, but killing our self's we are. I think it is good to look at this disease honestly and don't pull any punches, I know how hard it is to address this aspect of our disease, but it is necessary in order to recover (with the help of the Lap-Ban). I would image there are some who have medical problems, but if we are fat enough to get surgery to combat overeating, then there must be quite a problem. As for me, there was no doubt about it, I was killing myself a day at a time. With a top weight of a whopping 600 lbs. who the heck was I kidding. In the last 20 years I have lost over 1500 lbs but never keep it off longer then a week without starting to go right back up. I am so overjoyed at this weight loss I am doing now with the Lap-Ban, and it is a great tool in order to keep me right on track. Even though I am not losing right now (because I need a fill), but I can't gain any more because of the Ban, thank God. I see myself as an ...................... "Enlighten Fat Person".

Very, Very Good, I am lov'in to read this and finding another person who is doing this on the long term plan. I have had the Lap-Ban 3 years this Feb 18th. I have lost some 200 lbs......... but I still have 150+ to go. I am trying to get an adjustment down here in Florida. I had the Ban installed in NY, and now there is no one her in North Florida who will do a fill on someone who has not had them install the Ban. "Dam Doctors". So.... I am not able to eat like I am going to the chair, but I can overeat some, and I don't like being in all this control, I do need a fill. I still have to lose a person (150 lbs) before this is over. Anyway, your story was anything but boring, once I started to read I could not stop, you did a wonderful job, and your story is inspiring. Please keep writing and keep up the good work. Butch

I wrote on this a couple of days ago, and the bars where just about even. NOW, I look back and I see that the NO's are way out in front. Not that this is a race, but who the heck is voting??? I wonder how honest you fatty's are being. Just to make a point.... If you are fat enough to get the LAP-BAN??? Then you where killing yourself a day at a time, suicide on the installment plan. If you are fat enough where it is a question of health and welfare, and you choose to keep eating...... that is not correct behavior or sane thinking and acting. To me is killing yourself with food. Maybe it's just my simple way of looking at this, and there other ways, but I just don't see them. Butch

I to think the same way, BUT........There is no way for me to know who is fatter? I have to ask my wife or one of my girls, "Is that guy fatter them ME??? Most of the time they say he is not fatter but, it's a different kind of fat. Where mine is a big belly that hangs down in front and goes around the back. My legs, sholders, and neck is kind of normal. Or at least it is now that I lost half the weight I want to. Before I was just fat all over. I think I even got shorter, I tell people I lost fat on the bottom of my feet, that's why I am shorted. And even when I was my fattest, I never saw myself as fat. Except in PIC's or in a large window with a lot of other people around, then I saw just how big I was. Ain't it funny that image is not in my head when I want to eat? But....... to be total honest, I am offended at fat people, you know you project out what you hate in yourself. Since moving to Florida there are so many more fat people down here, you see them everywhere, in the gas station, supermarket, shopping mall, everywhere. On Long Island I was luck to see 2 or 3 fat people all day, and people would say shit to you or kids would say stuff, but not down here...... there just too many fat people. Funny Huh???? Butch

I once heard the a compulsive overeater is like someone digging a grave, one fork full at a time. Man, that is a horrible image. But.......to be quite honest, taking the big plunge has been my safety net most of my life, I would think, "If it ever got too bad, I would just pull the plug, and put a cap in my ass." You see, I have never been scared of death. Quite the opposite, I have lived on the edge a lot and taken a lot of chance's, and believe me I have the body scare's (inside and out) to show for it. But, the digging my own grave thing has always been in the back of my mind, I somehow seem to want to kill myself in a slow and painful way. Like punish myself for not being enough, or for being so rotten. Whatever, I was killing myself with food, there is no other way to look at it. Just like a Junkie, or a Drunk, or a Anorexic..... I want to kill myself, or hide the real me under a much fat as I can. But.......To really be honest, once I started to look at myself and start to work on knowing ME, and looking to a Higher Power for some kind of help and insight into His will for me, then I was ready to look at surgery for the first time. Once I made up my mind I was going to do the ban and I did a lot of research on all the ways I could go, the ban was the only way to go. I was scared and nervous about the whole thing but the thought of death never went through my mind. And suicide is no longer an option. Butch from Florida

VERY GOOD, I think my face blushed, and I turned around to see if anyone was watching. I was going to click off and go hide my head. BUT....... I read ahead and I'm glad I did. Good for you DeLara, It's not about judging others when they believe differently. I say a few things, like, how much God means to me, and this is my own Higher Power, and I don't force it on anyone. I also might make a side wards, stick it to them about the government. BUT..... I where really to say how I feel I think a lot of people might be offended, and might throw stones at me, so I am respectful. That does not mean I keep my mouth shut about SEX!!!! It's too important a subject to be set aside. I used to go to OA (meeting for fat people, using the 12 steps) and I swear I could make the whole room pucker right up by saying anything about sex, or sexual abuse. Believe me sex and food are very closely related. I am a grown up and a mature male, who can think for himself, and knows what he wants, and what he doesn't want. If I read anything that goes against my grain, I just say to myself that person has the right to there own thoughts and ideas, no matter how wrong they are, JUST KIDDING...... Life is too short to take yourself or others too serious. As far as masturbation goes I vote yes, both for one self and for others. If this is a poll, then my vote is with DELARLA, thanks for the merry-go-round of feelings, it was great. Namasta, Butch

This is where I have been for almost 8 months. I stay the same weight and eat pretty much what I want. Religion keeps me from eating meat so I don't do that, so to get Protein I need shakes or a lot of Beans that I suck at cooking, so it's the shake at least one a day. The bad stuff is the protein I get in cheese, or fatting stuff like that. Still with 2.3 cc in the band I can eat almost a full meal at a restaurant, it takes awhile but can be done. Now if I want to not eat???? Just take a big bite of something, and swallow, like pizza, a sandwich, whatever...... Once that big bite of food is in the pouch? It will not let me eat anything else. I have trained myself to eat sooooooo slooooow, and I can get most of the meal down. NOW.......... if I get this next fill, (which I am scared crap of) I will be full right away, that will end my overeating, for sure. So Lady's, if you are having trouble eating too much???? Get another fill, that will stop even, mashed potato's, in fact, you have to drink Water slow. So there it is, use the band, and it will set you free. If I could control my eating, HECK....... I would not need the band. The only reason I got the darn thing to start with was because I could not eat correctly, no matter how much I worked out, or what I ate or didn't eat. Let's be honest girls, if we could diet why would we need the band??? What I think is a lot of use are overwhelmed with fear, fear about losing the weight, fear of not getting enough food, or fear of being thin???? I wonder?? So there you have it. 5 cent's therapy. PS. I will let you all know when I go, and get my next fill, when I overcome this fear to reach the next Leave, to start losing weight again. And stop beating the band. Namasta, Butch

It's not that I am frighten of women, or my wonderful wife. It's just a feel'in inside that someone thinks of me in a cute Or sexy way. Sexy ani't me. It just don't fit, like last years pants. Seeing myself as cute is very different, and I keep try'in to act it, BUT man is it hard. MAN, If I told you the amount of therapy I have had in the last 25 years....... I could pay down the national debt. I am just now finding out how hard this is to lose weight and be aware of it, see the change, and feel the difference it makes in my life. I have gone through most of my life with blinders on. WELL..... not today, I am awake and feeling, no Bull. I am feel'in everything, in spades. No dumb ass mantra, of how I am a perfect being, and full of light and love......... I use to say that stuff and never believe in the crap, well today with a mature connection with God, and wide open, feel'in everything I am doing this. It might take awhile, this is not the most taken path, and it's taken me a long ass time to get here, BUT, here I am, lump and all, AND I DO MEAN LUMPS. LOL, LOL, LOL, Butch