loopylou

Most of you know I am in the process of getting divorced. We are still living in the same house and will be for the next 3 weeks until I finish up my job and move to Sydney. Well today things hit a bit of a snag. Initially when I said I wanted to leave I told hubby I would like $3.60 (amounts have been changed to protect the innocent), but would settle for $3.00 and he agreed. Then when it looked like things were really going to end (I always knew they were but I dont know if hubby did) he secretly went to see a lawyer, and reneged on our agreement, he came back with an offer of $1.80, moving costs and health insurance for a year. I didn't want to fight so I said I would accept $2.10 and the other costs. He had it all drawn up and told me to take it in to another lawyers to get signed. So today I had my appointment and the solicitor refused to sign it as he believed it was unfair (this guy is legal aid so I dont think he is milking the situation) he said he was thinking more along the lines of the original agreement ($3.00). I told all this to hubby as soon as I got out and he has gone beserk!! He said I should have demanded he signed it and then signed another waiver to say I wouldn't sue the lawyer for not doing his job properly (I didn't even know you could do such a thing). He's been crying, throwing things, threatening to throw me out (and the cat on the street) and accusing me of being out for his money. I dont understand it. I didn't ask the lawyer to try for more money, I really wanted him to say it was ok as is and leave it at that. I dont know what to do... I think things are starting to turn nasty and I really dont want that, but I also feel like hubby is trying to blackmail me into sticking with his agreement. He really could do some damage - I wouldn't have anyway to get to work so I could lose my job, I would only be able to take what I could carry so I would have to leave all my stuff behind - I dont care about furniture and stuff, but I have artworks and many many books. I dont want to rip hubby off but I am interested in what my lawyer thinks is fair - is that really so wrong? Hubby is making a song and dance about me reneging on our agreement - but he did the very same thing, and honestly, if my solicitor thought it was fair and signed the agreement I would have too. Any advice???

How beautiful.

I know that the standard line around here is "you must work with the band, make healthy choices... blah blah blah", but that makes me turn cold every time I hear it, because I know that if thats true I have no hope. I am not trying to be negative or give newbies a bad impression, but who are we fooling... Have you guys really gone from out of control MO people to moderate and healthy people just because of the band!!?? The thing that gets me is - if I could think about this healthily, eat healthily and make more healthy choices then I wouldn't need the band in the first place! Having a little bit of silicone wrapped about my guts doesn't and hasn't changed my psychological hang-ups. I have spent the last 10 years in therapy trying to work through my psychological hang-ups, all the while getting bigger and bigger, so really - the only reason I ain't stuffing myself stooopid is because it makes my tummy hurt (my band). And I really am counting on my band to do a great portion of the work for me because if I am relying on will power I'm without hope. I understand that people can make (what Dr Phil likes to call) 'life decisions' to the effect of "I will not eat myself to death anymore" but surely that could have been done without the band? Have you really all suddenly become full of will power and dedication just because of the band - 'cause I know I haven't. If you can tell me how to flip that switch in my brain please do because I am at a loss. Life decisions?? made 'em every day baby, and ignored 'em again by dinner time. Baggage? Are you kidding? I have a moving van that follows me around... food addiction? Puuulease!! I have taken food out of the garbage to eat. Binge eating? My favourite sport, watch me go!!! Psychological hang-ups?? There aren't enough pegs in the universe. So if anyone else tells someone to 'work with the band' I think I might vomit, on them (watch your shoes ladies!!). Look, I know this has come across sounding bitter and sarcastic and thats because... well because I am bitter and sarcastic. But really I am just a bit tired of this pollyanna attitude. I didn't have major surgery to 'jump-start' a new diet or healthy eating regime, I had it because I had no other earthly choice; I was killing myself. So if what you are saying is true and you can 'eat around the band' or 'not really want to change' then I might as well give-up now, because then it can't help me. I am full of shame and disgust at myself here, but I am just trying to be honest.

Thankyou Deb Thankyou. This is a language I understand, to me, this is honest. This is looking under all the crap and finding what food means to us. For me it means - independence, acceptance and soothing. And until I can change this set up in my brain I will have to fight every step of the way to lose weight - because ultimately I am fighting myself. I need to redefine what food means to me. I was talking to my psychologist today and saying how I eat or cut myself when I am trying to say "HEAR ME!!!" What I need to do is start saying the things I need to say rather than swallowing them. She encouraged me to think of food and razor blades as similar items - items I use to squash myself, quiet myself and ultimately hurt myself. I need freedom from those around me - controlling parents and hubby - but also from within myself. As much as they squash me I also squash myself when I choose to reach for that second helping or the razor blade instead of speaking my mind. So I want to say thankyou to you all for listening because this thread has been very healing for me - I have said some things I normally wouldn't say. I always wanted to be "the nice girl", "the kind girl" and to do that I have had to eat and swallow all that is in me that is not nice or kind. So thankyou all for giving me room to be not-so-nice and allowing me to feel the power of saying what I need to say instead of eating my words (literally). Loulou

Thanks Susan and Jaqui, Kelli you make a good point about immaturity - but still seem to be toting the party line. Deb - yup already there, saw her today. Kathy I thanks you for your words and I understand how Christ helps at these times (I used to be a born-again Christian myself and still look back at those days with longing - even though I know I can no longer believe.) And yes Sarah venting has made my feel somewhat better but I still feel that people are treating this rather too shallowly - I disagree with Jaquie when she says the not everyone who is over weight has "underlying issues". I think we do, unless perhaps like Vines there is an underlying metabolic disorder. We are all addicts. And like all addicts we are running from pain - 20 pounds you can put down to bad lifestyle choices, but to get MO - man we are in some serious pain.

Thanks Susan - must run now though I am late for work. I didn't mean to come down hard on Deb - I think she just caught the major blast of my frustration - sorry deb!!

And Susan thanks for your calm response - I guess I thought I would find some kindred feeling here!!!! (or as you put it 'someone who really understands my struggle') - I already see a psychologist already who keeps me (mostly) sane; it was fellow feeling that I was looking for thats all. But thanks for your positive energy - It is appreciated. And no I am not after a 'pity-party', I am just waving from the bottom of the barrel and looking for someone who truly 'gets' what I am going though down here, even if they are not down here with me.

Deb - but why do we want to consume too much?? Please dont take this personally (I am sure you were just saying what others were thinking) but... when someone says to me "just eat less" I'm sorry but that tends to make me angry. I have spent thirty years trying to lose weight not thirty minutes!! Of course I need to cut down what I am eating - do you think I'm an idiot??? A nurse said to me once "just put a little less on your plate" - I balled for an hour and eventually had to be sedated!! I am here with my heart and guts hanging out and the best advice is 'eat less' - well I'm sorry that aint going to cut it. Doesn't anyone understand my frustration here!!??! The food is a symptom, not the problem!!!?! I dont eat because I have no willpower - I eat because if I dont I am cutting my arm with a razor blade to cover the pain that not-eating reveals!! I know you guys aren't psychologists but *$#&*#@ doesn't someone else get this?? I dont want someone to tell me what to do, I want a discussion on what we can do now (surely I am not alone here) - ok we are here we are banded and all this emotional crap is coming up like vomit and ...."just eat less" - I dont *$&@*@# think so!!! Look weight loss is the last thing on my mind here, I just want the pain to stop. I am looking for people with hearts and blood and messy feelings not little automatrons with rule books. Does anyone hear me?? I mean really hear me??

all hail da Queen!!:humble:

Ok so I am getting divorced. I am leaving my husband of 2 years (we have been together 6) and I need some advice. I love my husband but I dont want to be married to him anymore; I probably shouldn't have married him in the first place but I was very depressed and so wanted to feel loved. I am trying my hardest to help him through this - because he really has no friends or family he can talk to - but I dont know what to say, how to make it easier for him. I would love for him to be able to see that we love eachother but more as brother and sister not like lovers, and that we can still be friends and care for eachother even though we are not together. Should I just back off and let him deal with it (which is hard 'cause we are still in the same house for the next month and he keeps asking me to stay :cry ), should I simply stick to my guns and keep quietly refusing to stay, or should I pour my heart out to him and tell him everything - hurtful or not - about what I want and why I dont want him? So far I have done a bit of all of these - but I think I am just confusing him. I would love it if we could have a 'divorce' ceremony and even a honeymoon - 'a farewall, I love you and wish you all that is good in the world' - kinda thing, like a wake. But I think thats probably expecting way too much from him. How can I help him through? I am not just doing this out of love (I wish I was) there are certainly elements of wanting to ease my own guilt, so perhaps the kindest thing I could do is nothing. Oh, and if I hear that "goodbye my lover" song again I think I will cry myself to death!!

thanks girls - things have indeed been rough, and yes I am in mourning already and it has started the doubts creeping in, but I have not let them get a foothold and I wont. I'm gonna make it!!! (can I borrow your quote for a while Mandy?)

Susan, I hope you do wonderfully and I hear what you are saying. I guess I am just facing my disappointment at realising that I will never be thin without following somebody elses rules. I feel ripped off by my doctor who did not tell me the truth before he banded me and I feel upset when I am reminded of that here on the forum. The last thing in the world I want is for people to feel bad for succeeding. But I think we are too quick to point people to "the rules" rather than attempting to begin healing some of those emotional scars that make us eat in the first place. I am not failing because I lack will-power, I am failing because I have been so damaged that eating into oblivion is the only thing that makes the pain stop - all the rules in the world aren't gonna fix that. So what is? What now? I guess I feel we sometimes use "the rules" as a bandaid, rather than trying to heal the real problem - the pain we are trying to cover with by eating. It seems a little shallow to point someone in the direction of "the rules" when they are almost suicidal with emotional pain. I dont know what the alternative is, but I know we won't find it that way. Perhaps you are right and I should never have been banded - but I have, so now what??

Thanks Desi - I was writing while you posted

Thanx Aimze - lets stick together hey? :high5: Kimmy Kimmy oh dear .... I dont think I said anywhere in my post that I expected it to be easy. gogetgoget - :biggrin1: senorita - yes I love that book, especially the bit where she links where the fat sits on your body to particular emotional issues - I found that very powerful. (does my butt look big in this???? lol) Heathergurl - no my doctor didn't tell me anything much at all. I didn't have a psych eval. he didn't even know I had been seeing a psychiatrist! He didn't ask. I haven't had a meeting with a nutritionist - before or after banding... and I didn't have any pre-surgery tests. He told me how the band would be fitted, risks involved and that he would adjust it so that i would lose 1kg per week - thats it. He will not answer questions by phone and is only up here once a month. The only thing he ever said about food was at my first fill where he told me I may now have trouble eating bread and red meat (no such luck I'm afraid - roast beef sandwich yesterday for lunch!!) ah, Photonut, I dont think you quite deserve a vomit, maybe just a little hicupping PB :heh: But seriously, my emotional/eating issues are pretty complex and difficult, but man, I dont want to be a size 6, a nice comfortable 14 will suit me perfectly. tvgrrl - grouphug!!! Mikey - I guess I am rather sensitive to guilt-trips and I understand that others can find them helpful, but for me... gag-reflex all the way. And mostly I have just been picking out the helpful info from the 'official party-line', but I guess last night it got to me. I guess sometimes I would love to hear from those who are suceeding in losing weight even if they aren't following all the rules (thank-you Anwyn!!) and got it all together. I am just asking for a little warts-and-all talk here not this sanitised 'lets all be good little bandsters and eat our Protein first and go to heaven :flock: " crap that everyone seems to be spouting these days. Thanks for your measured and thoughtful response to my post . New Sho - thanks for your kind support. I know people are only trying to be helpful when they try to encourage 'recalcitrant bandsters' to follow the rules but it just seems to upset and shame us more than anything - at least imho. If we have grown up fat we have had the whole world telling us how to lose weight and what to eat when, so I guess I would have liked our brothers and sisters here to understand that and listen with empathy instead of offering "the rules" as if they are a cure for everything. And I think we are quick to attack our fallen comrades because we are so frightened of becoming one of then (see for example that '25% failure rate' post). We dutifully repeat our mantra of "the rules" to ourselves to keep ourselves 'on track' and then when someone "falls" we have to repeat it louder and with more gusto to cover our fear - almost like 'failure' is catchy, and give the poor 'soldier' another lesson in "the rules" to calm ourselves down and remind ourselves that we (unlike them) are going to be ok. Thanx for your suggestion to read the journals because, no I haven't done that yet - any suggestions where to start? Alexandra - I guess it is a bit of a balancing act isn't it. The idea is to be as "strong" or as "good" (although I prefer the terms healthy or consistent instead) as you can and then allow the band to minimise the damage when we are not. :whip: leatha g - not regaining is so important for me too. I'm sure there will be fluctuations amd times when the scale goes up but what I really hated was the ol' "lose 30 put on 40" cycle that I was in - and I really do hope the band can help curb this tendency. :thumb: mousecrazy - yes I am hoping the band will help me eat more moderately, for goddess knows I can't seem to do it myself!! And you are right about the rebelliouisness thing; 20 years of my family telling me "don't eat that!!" does send me into 'oppositional defiance disorder' mode when my lap-band family does it to me too!! (How was that? was I civil enough? ) Anwyn you rock!! :peace: I'm thinking a BBQ meatlovers pan pizza sounds good - must get that protein in!!! babs - thanx for you story, I think I can live with lots of yummy fish and the occasional slab ....er ....slice ...er sliver of cheesecake. :laugh Kelli - thankyou for sharing I am willing to make different choices, I am even willing to change, I just get so tired of all the propaganda - you know??:bored Hey Deb,thanks for starting this :clap2: It brought up some angst that I didn't know was there!! My doc is the only one who does bands in my area, he is a good surgeon he just didn't go through the preparatory stuff with me. Even though I never expected the band to be easy I certainly didn't expect us all to be slavishly following silly rules and "shoulding all over" someone when they aren't doing do well. Chalk me up for a vote for compassion. Chalk me up for a vote against self-loathing. Chalk me up for a vote for finding new ways to self-soothe. And finally, chalk me up for a vote against guilt-trips. (except of course for those who give guilt-trips they should feel bad!!! OOoooh noooo I just guilt-tripped the guilt-trippers!!! Shame on me!! )

But guys, the thing that gets me is - if I could think about this healthily, eat healthily and make more healthy choices then I wouldn't need the band in the first place! Actually I'm going start a new thread so I dont hijack wwhyknots post. (see 'working with the band' about to go up in Support.)

I think you just became my hero

I think the piece of explanation I am missing is that basically you can say anything and then claim you were joking and thus abdicate responsibility for saying it. Just try joking about whats in your luggage at the airport these days and see how that goes down!!!

someone told me something once that really made sense to me - they said "when people say they are joking about something they are really simply trying to avoid being responsible for what they said". Like the time my Dad told me he didn't like me - later when I asked him to apologise he refused saying that he was just joking - joking or not, he said it, that has consequences. Hmmmm not sure if I made the point exactly the way I wanted too - hope you understand what I mean.

I dont know which band I have but it does have 'pillows'. I dont know how much fill I have, but I dont have any restriction either and I am scared that I have a leak or something. You have done so amazing with your weight loss,having no restriction especially, :clap2:, I've barely lost a thing in 6 months!!

I think losing weight makes us feel very vulnerable, on so many levels. For me I know that part of my eating problems stem from being sexually abused as a child - so when I am not eating, not as big, not as protected, I dont really want anyone near me. Even emotional closeness makes me feel raw.

My Doc says I should be 'nice and tight' now but I can still eat anything I want, and large amounts.:hurt

Date Banded: 1st August 2005 Country: Australia Doctor: Kierath Eroded: NO, but pulmonary embolisms and no restriction. Date Removed: They ain't getting it back!!!!

:think so sorry to hear of your loss. Blessings to you and yours.

Hi guys - I am moving to sydney next month!! Hope you will all be at the airport to greet me! So tell me where is the best place to get really good organic groceries? Heehee, see I am planning to be all helathy and everything already - isn't it funny how we think by moving we will suddenly become different people! lol, really though, any favourite healthly shopping spots?? Gotta start planning here...

Thankyou Elisa