JustSomeGirl

Big day, first day below 200! 15 more pounds and I'll be down to the weight I was when I got married 12 years ago. It's just incredible that it keeps happening. I was out having some lunch ramen with my husband today (and was, like always, full way before he was finished, which I think is probably the worst side effect, having to wait around while he eats!) and besides learning that ramen noodles are the absolute devil, which is sad, I mentioned that it's been long enough since the surgery that I've pretty much forgotten what it's like to be a person who could eat a "normal" portion of anything. Now I just see the food people get and I'm like "that is an improbably gigantic amount of food for a person to eat" all the time. It's weird how you get adjusted to the new state of being. I don't spend a lot of time thinking too hard about my diet. I stay away from sweets for the most part, and try to focus on the first things I eat being proteins, followed by veggies, and carbs last unless I'm really having a craving, but then I know I'll feel bad afterwards. It's weird, I feel like my body is much more in tune now with eating healthy over eating bad. I feel better when I eat healthily, and I can confidently say pre-surgery my body felt the opposite. I guess all those reward signals from my brain were drowning out my body saying "this is going to make you feel bad later." Not so anymore, and it's like, killed my food lust so it's a lot easier to be clear-headed and think logically about eating being a process of fueling my body, not something I do because I love it. I still do love tastes of delicious things, but I'm happy with tastes now. People I tell about the surgery (my mom, for example) just can't understand the idea of how it works. But it's miraculous. This is by far the smartest thing I have ever done for myself ever. I just regret waiting so long.

You know what one of the best things about this whole surgery business is so far? Knowing the scale isn't going to go back up. Sure, it may waver or fluctuate a couple pounds, esp. right before/during Shark Week, but when I check a milestone, like "below 210" or whatever, I know it's going to stay that way. It's absolutely exhilirating and nothing like what it used to be stepping on the scale.

It seems like it's all nothing until it's something - it's been notoriously silent from all my friends/family, and I've been using the fact that I'm fitting into clothes that haven't fit me in at least 5 years as an indicator that I'm still doing ok. Then today, I see someone I haven't seen in a couple months wandering the hallways and: "At the risk of getting into trouble, have you lost weight?" and I'm like "YES OH MY GOD THANK YOU!" And then three more compliments in the next ten minutes. I could get used to this I feel like I'm plateauing every ten pound or so, but I'm ok with being down about 50 lbs in 2 months, so I'll just keep sticking to high protein and low carbs (it makes me feel better anyway). I've noticed that the healthier the thing I'm eating, the happier and better I feel, which I think is a beneficial side effect. I have been lifting weights, mostly, because I'm not too stressed out about the cardio (I feel like as of right now I don't need the extra calorie burn), and I'm also noticing a difference there. First time I lifted, I thought I was going to faint, but I'm getting stronger and more capable every day. I feel amazing, and am so so happy I did this. I feel like I rescued myself from a terrible fate.

I'm stalled out, I think. I got sleeved on August 28th, and I'm down about 40 pounds give or take a few, but I am just so annoyed at this stupid like, nothing nothing nothing, boom 5 pounds down pattern that's going on. I know I ought to step away from the scale, and I know that I've got to keep losing weight - I'm not really tracking things too closely, but I'd say I'm generally getting about 800 kcal a day. Cleared by doc to lift weights and go running, and it's the exercise that makes me really feel those fewer calories - leg day at the gym yesterday (for the first time since surgery) and I felt as weak as a lamb. Had to take longer breaks in between sets, and have lost so much strength in just a month and a half. I also have this pervasive fear even though I'm down officially one pants size, that I'm going to step on the scale and it's going to be like "ha ha, joke's on you" and I'll be back to my original size. Or that I'll just stop losing weight, and I'll be stuck at 227 for the rest of my life, like some sort of weight-loss Jackee. Also, and this is SO petty, I feel embarrassed about even talking about it, but I'm really annoyed that nobody has noticed the weight loss, or said anything. I feel like I can tell the difference but I also had a lot of days where I felt like I looked good at 270, so I've learned that I can't trust my own self-perception. NOTICE THAT I'M LOSING WEIGHT, WORLD!