F_it

People sometimes tell me Im a survivor when I share personal experiences I have been through as a child and adult. Some even think that I must be strong, brave, or determined. What most of them dont know, are the other stories that I didn't share. Anyone who has been through semi-traumatic experiences might relate, the strength to survive tends to drain you, and sometimes it wasnt even inside you to begin with. It just feels like you pull it out of thin air, when its suddenly needed, and when youre done with it, poof. Its gone and all you have left is fear, and an unexplainable craving that needs tending to.

Fear is my biggest obstacle. It really does its very best to tie me down. And Ive submitted too often, for too long. Afraid of the nos, afraid of the yeses, afraid of endings, afraid of beginnings, afraid of being unwanted and afraid of wanting , afraid of the past and the future, afraid of failures and successes that might lead to unknown pain. I dont mind pain. But Im still afraid of it.

I had a spark of courage in 2012 when I hit rock bottom at my highest weight ever. 275 and I suddenly realized Id just thrown away my twenties. So for my 30th birthday I wanted to give myself my life back. Started losing weight slowly and steadily.. Then at around 35lbs loss a series of events took my focus off weightloss.. I got pregnant with twins, but only one survived.
I managed to keep the 35 off, but Id lost confidence and felt intimidated, although all I had needed was a little fill to pick myself back up from where Id left off.. it just took me a while to get over those damn fears and re-prioritize myself!

And here I am now.. Ive had enough of the fear. So Im saying get to your green zone already! Get out of your head and up on the elliptical dammit! Stop hesitating and own those heels you love so much but are too shy to go out in. Ive changed my workout playlist, and Ive changed my mantra. Im trying fierce on for a change, and so far its looking hot. And whenever that fear starts creeping into my head, I say: F*** It! And Effing it seems to be working so far! :-)