Chrystee

I'm sorry to keep talking about this, but even if nobody answers I don't have a lot of friends to talk to and it helps to get it out
So I've posted before that I'm getting divorced. Recently my husband told me that a big part of the reason for him was that we were sexually incompatible (why didn't he say anything years ago?) One of the things for me was that some of the things he wanted to do I was uncomfortable with but I tried..some of the things I just didn't like or didn't feel good. Recently he started saying things like "well most people like this" or "normal people enjoy this". No matter how many times I would say "well I'm not 'most people' i'm me" he never got it and kept pushing.
Fast forward a little bit and I found out that he was talking to a friend of his often about sexy time...and this friend...well she is a topless burlesque dancer, has a husband but sleeps around with tons of other guys and has been pushing him to date one of the other girls they are friends with. I have nothing against the way she lives her life, but I think it's fair to say that her idea of what is "average" sexual "normal" probably isn't what most people would agree with. I mentioned that to him and he didn't understand at all what I meant
last night he also told me that he had invited this girl that he likes over for dinner and was going to cook for her. He also didn't understand when I told him that sounded like a date...and he told me he didn't want to think about until the divorce was final. Also he didn't understand how another friend that he's known since he was a kid made him dinner and that wasn't a date, but cooking for the girl he has a crush on is a date.
I've also been finding it so hurtful that this girl he wants to date has some of the same habits and characteristics that he said he hated in me

@@cookarue - Thank you!
@@OutsideMatchInside - Done. Also, please don't judge my therapist. My process may not match your own, but derogatory language makes it difficult for me to have grace for myself and give myself permission to make mistakes, learn from them, and grow.
@@princessprotein - Agreed on some points. Disagreed on others. Are you referring to Mrs. Smye? If so, SHE wants the marriage to end, and I'm choosing to respect that. Please read the entire thread prior to responding.
@@lachellove - It went... as to the quality of the going - I'm not sure how to measure it. This is my first dating relationship and my first breakup ever (at 27). There were a lot of tears on both ends, she kept asking "what could I have done differently? But don't worry, I won't try to change myself for you" and I kept choosing not to go there - I trust her intent, but not that she wouldn't carry my potential words around with her as a 'recipe' for 'fixing' herself. She insists she wants to be besties - I'm open to the idea, but insisting on a break first so we're starting from as close to scratch as possible and so she can let the emotional dust settle a bit and make an authentic, fully informed decision as to how she wants to move forward rather than just the "DONT LEAVE, I"LL DO ANYTHING" vibe I got yesterday.
And now, today, I feel like a total jerk. Cognitively I know that's not rational, but emotionally it's where I'm at. More soon in terms of my internal processing, updates on Mrs. Smye and on Little Smye.

Smye the actress pulled a disappearing act on you, correct? Then after a time, she came up and said, let's just be friends. As you've posted before, you're looking for more of a relationship than a friendship. Also, you're sexually attracted to her (I assume), so you, yourself aren't necessarily going out just to hang out with a buddy. More than likely, your hopes are that she'll decide after a time, to take you into consideration. If she wanted to take a leap into dating you, she'd have kept dating you from the get-go. Or at very least kept in contact with you. Women who put off a man aren't interested in that man. Therefore my assumption is that she's using your attraction to gain attention that she's lacking from men recently, in order to boost her confidence. Not that she's changing her mind and wants to date you seriously.
I don't mean to sound harsh, and I know you've been through a lot. So, I hate to notice something and not make mention of it. I don't want you looking at this situation with the actress through rose colored glasses. From a bystander point of view, I'd be very wary of her intentions. Also, I think your time would be better spent on meeting women who don't blow you off.
As far as meeting women who want to rip your clothes off, and tantalize your brain - it's going to be hard. There aren't many people who make good matches or are on the same level as you will be. Hence, the moving on to the next woman, and the next, until you find a better match that's as interested in you, as you are her. It will happen. But you can't spend your time with the wrong woman, if you're looking to meet the right woman.
Sorry for the long, possibly unwanted, post. Lol.

1.5 months is nothing... people don't even start to reveal their whole nature until well after that.
The kids aside, the anxiety attacks aside, I would consider the premature discussion of your future as a major red flag. It is less likely to be love, more likely to be neediness.
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Don't stay anywhere too long with someone who can't even take care of her own issues. As far as the actress goes, she's told you she's not interested in the long run. She disappeared, and now she's back to using you in order to regain her confidence (most likely after someone broke up with her). I, myself, am guilty of that in the past. String along a man that's interested so you can feel good about yourself, even though he's not what you want and know it.
There are PLENTY of fish in the sea, and it's time to go fishing again. Stop looking at the old fish in the freezer you already caught.
Dating shouldn't be so serious. It should be fun, and exciting. So if you're over the woman who clearly needs you more than you want her... Find someone who's fun and wants to rip your clothes off!

Here's the deal -- the goal isn't to make her adore you after you end the relationship.
The goal is to end the relationship.

Get out. Now. Right now.
Moving forward, DO NOT and I repeat, DOOOO NOTTTT have any exclusive relationships right now. I'm with my 'better half' nearly a year and we've only mentioned the 'L' word to make sure neither of us are using it. Believe me..it works for us, and likely many others as well. Point is, you seem like a very intelligent man based on the posts I've read. This is not the time for your little head to be making decisions. Use the head between your shoulders and not between your legs. You can't be in love with anyone after 6 weeks of dating. You are in lust. And now the lust is gone because you are seeing the red flags.
Tell her whatever you need to in order to end it. She'll hate you no matter what you say and you know it. Just man up and do it.

@@Smye Thats a tricky one letting someone down easy ...I hope that goes well for you, she might understand and she might not. I agree,children are always the first priority so there's no time to wait it out. My girls are very smart and retain a lot of their surroundings, so you are right to want your son around someone that is emotionally stable. You will get to where you need and want to be. I personally feel the actress would be a good start. Friendship that is. That's the best way to start!!

today is my 1 year surgiversary! 125 pounds gone total, I feel great!

today is my 1 year surgiversary! 125 pounds gone total, I feel great!

today is my 1 year surgiversary! 125 pounds gone total, I feel great!

today is my 1 year surgiversary! 125 pounds gone total, I feel great!

Probably married would be my guess!

@@funke4real I have several friends who have had their surgeries with Dr. Kligman! I almost did my surgery there, but decided on Dr. Tran in DC. I've heard that he has a sort of bad bedside manner, but is a VERY good surgeon, as is his partner (I cannot remember her name though). However, I would NOT recommend their plastic surgery, as my friend did not have a very good experience.
Good luck!

Hello everyone
I'm very new to this group and thinking about having my sleeve done at the University of maryland Baltimore with Dr kligman. Is anyone familiar with him ?
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I'm in lusby....southern Maryland

My first thought is that the dude is married and chickened out...luckily for both of you. Understandably frustrating, but you dodged a bullet.

I had RNY nearly 18 months ago. I stopped losing after 6 months. I've been very disciplined, following all the rules. I never reached my goal and probably never will. I hover around 172-178 and I'm 5.4
I decided to go for skin removal and am set for surgery next month. All the naysayers have said horrible things. Stuff like, "it's way too painful, worse than RNY", and the more sensitive comments that have to do with weight gain. I don't want to hear about the whole Tummy Tuck being for nothing if I gain weight again. I won't gain weight. I'm not that person... and I'm not in denial. I am a person who is grateful for every gift I get, and I can handle the challenge of staring sugar in the face and walking away.
I'm looking for positive support, someone to tell me that I'm not insane for going through a double hernia repair, abdominoplasty, and Lipo on my back all at once, because I'm tired of dragging around the baggage of the fatlady I once was.
Thank you.

I said it once, and I'll say it again - there will ALWAYS be someone prettier than me, funnier than me, thinner than me, and fatter than me - but my husband married ME. Does my husband think, the more of her the merrier? Yes. But there will be nobody else who is me, and that is why I know he still loves me. He didn't marry me because I'm physical perfection (lord knows), or because I'm always so sweet (I've got good days and bad), he married me because we have the same drive, we can tolerate each other when we're out of line, we accept each other's imperfections, and we work daily to make things work. You're married, so I know there's been other things in your time that have come up, and you've worked through. This is another one of those things. So what you're not his physical idealness? We're there not other women he looked at on the planet and thought they were pretty (before surgery)? I'm sure there were, and they will exist after surgery as well. But no other woman will ever be YOU, so unless he's told you he doesn't love you, believe that he does love you... No matter your size. I told my husband it's helpful if he lies to me and tells me how wonderful I look, lol. He laughed, and he said "but YOU are wonderful". I'm sure your husband thinks you're wonderful too.

You changed yourself to better yourself health wise. Only you can decide if you want to be healthy or in a marriage with someone who dictates your appearance and ultimately, your longevity.

That's what I was hoping!

I could be taking it the wrong way, but I did find the two posts by Babbs and Ann pretty insensitive.. Like.. maybe my husband doesn't love me because he is attracted to bigger women? I had no idea how to take that. I hope that wasn't the intent..

@@Chrystee, I agree with others here who have said it most likely isn't you...with that said, should you end your marriage over this? That is a question that really only you can answer.
Other than the low intimacy contact, and the fact that your husband admits to liking BBW more, how is the rest of your relationship going? Do you still love him? Are you still attracted to him? Are you asking for more sex than was there before the weight loss? Like I've said in past posts here; my husband has a diminishing sex drive. I used to call him a hounddog because he was always hounding me for sex! I do enjoy sex, and I pretty much always gave in to his demands, but I did not really need it as much as he did. Now that we are older, and yes he lost 80 lbs over the last 4 years (he used to be 285 lbs and now goes between 205-210), and unfortunately I've gained belly weight because of insulin use, I wouldn't say the roles are reversed, but I would like a bit more intimacy than what we are currently having. If my husband didn't want to have sex at all anymore, I don't think it has to do with my body. If that is the case, and he swears to me it is not, then perhaps things will change once I finally have my surgery and begin loosing weight. If they stay the same, then I would suggest some self-play toys for you. Trust me, it helps. I truly love my husband, and yes I still find him attractive but in a different way then I did when we were in our 20's. I love my husband's silliness and his smile. I love his huge hugs and childish teasing. I love his love for our children and family, and his love of all animals. Sex is a plus in a marriage, but realistically it is not needed (if that is the case) to remain happy with your mate.
These are questions you need to ask yourself. If you man likes BBW and you are not that anymore, then he will need to come to terms with it. If not, don't feel like you are not attractive. You are beautiful.

I do not know how old you are or how long your relationship is - but my husband and I married in our 20s. I remember as we began to get older, and I wondered about attractiveness, things he mentioned, struggling with both of us getting older and I told him, look at some point, if we both are fortunate you will be married to an 80 yr old woman who is still interested in being sexually active - so get over whatever issues you are having. I am a feminine woman in love with a manly man. that ought to be enough. Thankfully he dealt with those issues and we have never had another hiccup no matter what my weight has been, or no matter what our age has been. You deserve this, he does too, and so I hope that he can reconcile any issues he may have.

If he doesn't love you, that doesn't mean something is wrong with YOU, especially if his problem with you is based solely on your weight or dress size. To me, that speaks VOLUMES about him.
Think about this... What if you were to be in a car accident and lose a limb? Would he be justified in no longer loving you because you were disabled? What if you were in a fire and your face got burned? Is it OK for him to no longer love you after that? What if you developed a thyroid disorder and got really fat? Or cancer and got really thin?
Would you love him no matter what?
You are you for your insides much more than the outside. Yes, initial attraction is based on looks a lot of the time. Love over 10, 15, 20 years should be so much more than that.
Don't battle his demons for him. Value yourself.