okelly44

I've been overweight most of my life, with varying degrees of success taking it off now and then. But my weight has steadliy climbed since I quit playing sports and had kids. I'm not a binge or emotional eater as far as stress or anxiety goes, I seem to just really enjoy food as a reward - a real foodie whose portion sizes were much too big. I finally got to a point at 349 where it was getting hard to shave, find comfy seats in theatres, and move around in general.

I've always been athletic and fairly comfortable at a bigger size, but this was way over the top. When I didn't even feel in control of my own limbs or balance anymore, I knew I had to do something. I started our area's bariatric program in 2012 and in about 10 months lost 60 pounds. Basically I was eating 1,200 calories a day and going back to the gym 5 days a week. At first it was easy and I thought I had it all figured out. I was very active again, went hiking, white water rafting, etc. with the family and felt the old me coming back. But I began to rest on my laurels.

I started letting Saturday be a free day where I didn't have to police myself (so tiring!). Then I added Sunday, then Friday night, and for most of 2013 I was just in a holding pattern -no gain no loss. But then.... ugh.. my few days of going easy on myself turned into 6 weeks over the holidays and I came out in 2014 with 20 pounds back on. That was a huge reminder to me that this fight is NEVER done.

I started looking at it from an addicts perspective after finding that I could most identify and relate to the issues and mindsets of friends who are struggling with sobriety or addiction issues. Many of their mantras such as "one day at a time" really made sense to me. I came to grips with the fact that food is my addiciton of sorts, and it will be a forever fight. Once I accepted that, I began to see surgery as a tool rather than a cop-out. In fact my one alcoholic friend said "if there was a surgery to help me stay sober you can bet I'd be on the table in a flash!" So I decided to have teh surgery, but didn't tell hardly anyone. Part of me still felt weak for having to take this drastic step. yet, I felt like I proved with the 60 pound loss that I could do it. The forced restriction of the sleeve would just make it easier - a tool as they say.

I got the sleeve 6 weeks ago and really hope it will provide the extra boundary I need to make a diffrence in my weight for the long term this time. I'm finding myself in an unusual position - scared. Scared to fail once again, scared it won't make much difference, scared I'll stretch it our over time. But i hear these are common fears. I hear you lose a certain percentage of the excess weight (as opposed to all of it?) so I just hope I can make this tool work for me to the fullest extent possible. Nervous but really hopeful.