BarnGirlWK

Hi, I'm BarnGirlWK. I live in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

Like many of you, I have been successful at weight loss - over and over and over again. Sadly, the success was short-lived. I have never once made it to goal weight. I have never kept it off. I have no idea what I'm supposed to look like at a normal/healthy weight. And now, dare I say?, I will find out.

I'm excited/nervous/scared/hopeful and all of the other emotions. And it is emotional for me.

For me, my weight and weight loss and every effort I have made related to weight is emotional. I have asked myself many times over the years, "Am I unhappy because I am fat, or am I fat because I am unhappy?" And I am unhappy with my weight. Generally happy in my life, or perhaps only as happy as I can be as an overweight person.

I am well aware that there are things missing in my life because I am overweight. I am well aware of biases and judgements placed on overweight people. And I am certain that there are opportunities that will never be mine as an overweight person. I used to argue to the contrary. But I no longer do. I have learned that these statements are true.

My weight started to become an issue when I was an emotional/hormonal teenager. From the day of my birth, I lacked affection from my mother. Just a fact. Which has been substantiated. That is over with now and is no longer controlling my feelings. However, the behaviours which keep me overweight/protected must still be there. The home I grew up in was not one in which there was snack foods, junk foods, soda pop. So, guess what I spent my money on when I started babysitting? And so my story about my weight began.

The first time I joined Weight Watchers was when I was 19 years old. And I was 60 pounds lighter then than I am today. I have been on Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers (numerous times), Dr. Bernstein, Herbal Life, Slim Fast. I have tried acupuncture and hypnosis in hopes of treating my being overweight. And all were successful. For a time. I am aware of my diet habits: if I know the rules, I can follow them, but the results better be noticeable and fast or I lose interest. Success on the scale keeps me motivated, but I can only 'eat like that' for a certain period of time. And that period of time varies according to my commitment, willpower, success. I never, ever, ever considered any of the eating plans I tried to be permanent lifestyle changes. I always considered them to be temporary. Even with my declaration of "I want to get to goal weight and evaluate how I feel, what life is like, how my body feels because I am sure that once I do, I will want to stay there."

I am now in my 40s and am still in the same place. That place being: unhappy with my weight, desire to be thinner, all other facets of my life pale in comparison to the prominent place my weight holds in my world. What is different now is that as I get older, I also face health concerns related to being overweight: high blood pressure, diabetes, cardiac health, etc. And I DO NOT want any of those conditions. BUT, if I don't get rid of my weight soon, those condition could very well be in my life.

I have been researching weight loss relentlessly this year 2014. Supplements, plans, miracle pills, workouts. And it can be a case of 'information overload' and believe me I have used that excuse many times as excuse for not starting my next journey to get thin.

I am a regular exerciser. I really am. For the last four years, I have been at the gym 4 to 5 times a week. I am a regular. I am accountable. I have made many friends there who I feel accountable to. And the people at the gym have seen me at a few different sizes over the years. Two weeks ago, one of these people said to me, "I am concerned about you. You are here all the time, but I have not seen you losing any weight in that last little while. And I think you may actually have put weight on." Yes, she meant to be helpful as one former overweight person to another overweight person. So, that was one of many 'ah-ha' moments in my life recently. Another one was also at the gym. I have become irritated that my belly is in the way when doing some exercises, especially floor exercises. AND, my ankles, knees, hips seem to be feeling the strain of carrying excess weight for so long. And I know that I am ready.

And ready I am. In the last three weeks, I honed my research in on bariatric surgery options. And I decided on gastric sleeve surgery. One phone call, and I was booked. Deposit paid. I am scheduled for August 24.