pers

I am not sure exactly when it started. Some time into my re-ascent into morbid obesity, after the Lap-Band surgery failed, I stopped being a girl. First I grew out of all my jeans. Even my fat jeans, the one pair I had saved "just in case." I started wearing sweats all the time; at home, to the store, to the movies... Then it was my hair. I cut it short because I just couldn't be bothered to fix it. Why? I was always in jeans and tee shirts anyway, so what was the point?
 
Then I stopped wearing makeup. I guess I just figured it didn't matter anyway, no one is looking at my face. I suppose it made me feel a little more invisible. I really wanted to be anonymous, nondescript. If I don't call attention to myself, maybe no one will notice how much weight I have gained...
 
So here I am, refusing to buy clothing, even bras and undies, in "this" size. I need to punish myself for doing this to myself. Again. Or do I?
 
Maybe I really don't want to be invisible. Maybe I do want to feel pretty again. Maybe I don't want to be uncomfortable all the time, everywhere I am. I want to cross my legs again. I want to be able to walk through the mall and not get winded while I am shopping for jeans. I want to walk up to the makeup counter at Macy's and say, "Make me pretty" because I want to FEEL pretty. I don't want to get rashes in my skin folds. I want to grow my hair.
 
First thing I am going to buy when I am able to shop at a normal store is a pink Seahawks jersey. I tried to buy one last year, but I can only shop for shirts in mens' big and tall. They don't make pink Seahawks jerseys in mens' big and tall. Next football season I am going to dress like a girl.