diyana

I am not sure exactly when it started. Some time into my re-ascent into morbid obesity, after the Lap-Band surgery failed, I stopped being a girl. First I grew out of all my jeans. Even my fat jeans, the one pair I had saved "just in case." I started wearing sweats all the time; at home, to the store, to the movies... Then it was my hair. I cut it short because I just couldn't be bothered to fix it. Why? I was always in jeans and tee shirts anyway, so what was the point?
 
Then I stopped wearing makeup. I guess I just figured it didn't matter anyway, no one is looking at my face. I suppose it made me feel a little more invisible. I really wanted to be anonymous, nondescript. If I don't call attention to myself, maybe no one will notice how much weight I have gained...
 
So here I am, refusing to buy clothing, even bras and undies, in "this" size. I need to punish myself for doing this to myself. Again. Or do I?
 
Maybe I really don't want to be invisible. Maybe I do want to feel pretty again. Maybe I don't want to be uncomfortable all the time, everywhere I am. I want to cross my legs again. I want to be able to walk through the mall and not get winded while I am shopping for jeans. I want to walk up to the makeup counter at Macy's and say, "Make me pretty" because I want to FEEL pretty. I don't want to get rashes in my skin folds. I want to grow my hair.
 
First thing I am going to buy when I am able to shop at a normal store is a pink Seahawks jersey. I tried to buy one last year, but I can only shop for shirts in mens' big and tall. They don't make pink Seahawks jerseys in mens' big and tall. Next football season I am going to dress like a girl.

I am 4 weeks post op, for 3 of those weeks I was off work. And being one of those people that live paycheck to paycheck never seeming to be able to save anything I've found myself basically out of cash. This wouldn't be such a big deal if I weren't still dealing with learning how to eat again, and my body's slow progression in handling less food and losing weight. All of these things lead me to having a panic attack Friday morning, heart beating what felt like out of my chest and of course I'm a weepy mess. I also had a dear friend and mentor pass away, but I think I've mentioned that in previous entries, it's an on going thing.
 
My surgeon's office, Barker Bariatric, has been very helpful. They gave me many protein samples, although none of them have wowed me to be honest. But they are to help make sure that I can at least make it through to the 22nd when I get my first paycheck.
 
The emotional stress of this whole process cannot be overstated. If you have a tendency or even diagnosis of depression, anxiety, or any mood disorders you will need to keep in close contact with your mental health provider. I never felt like hurting myself, but certainly the guilt of putting myself in this situation was and continues to be overwhelming.
 
When you have your psychiatrist consultations be honest with them about who and how you are. MO people are fantastic at pushing things under the rug, and down playing the severity of situations. Perhaps you will be denied surgery, but consider that you being alive with extra weight on might be better than you going down a dark road of depression and possible suicide. Counseling might be a great way to getting help as well.
 
I have a huge support network of family, friends, and other WLS patients who have been vital to my survival through this initial phase. I pray you find the same, Face Book has several WLS support groups, of course there are some here, your own town should have a face to face support group. Even if you don't feel like you have supportive family and current friends the WLS community is full of helpful people and you'll find a few that can help.
 
If you are a paycheck to paycheck kind of person like me, expect that at the end of your leave of absence at work that you will probably be hurting for money, and might just freak out if your cupboards start to get bare and you run out of milk to mix with your protein shakes.

It's official - all of my Pre-Op requirements (except the weight-loss and 1 test) are complete. I've also satisfied all of the initial insurance requirements for approval - so all of my docs have been submitted for pre-approval. Fingers crossed! The PC at my surgeon's office says they usually hear back within a couple of weeks. I may start calling next week just to 'check' on things.
 
All my tests came back good with the exception of an umbilical hernia, slight Hiatal hernia and some of my blood work was off (iron, live enzymes, etc - nothing unexpected). I think my least favorite test was the Upper GI (swallow study). I've never had one, so had no idea what to expect which was probably a good thing. That stuff they make you drink is DISGUSTING! I barely made it through the test without throwing up. I really hope I don't have to do another one right after surgery, because I can't imagine how I'd be able to keep it down.
 
The only things I have left to do are get my infusions of iron and turn in my 24hr urine test. I figure I'll do that next Sunday and drop it off on Monday when I have to bring the hubby to the hospital to do his testing.
 
This is probably going to be my least favorite stage - where I get to sit and wait until we hear back.
 
I'm still on the mostly-liquid diet and plan to stay on it until 10 days before surgery. Then I'll go on my clear-liquid diet in prep. As of last Friday I had 17lbs left to lose. It's been a bit slow-going this week, but I didn't really start until Monday. Either way, as of today I'm down around 5lbs ... so 12 left to go! If I can get my butt in gear, that (hopefully) shouldn't be a problem at all.
 
As we get closer and closer to approval, I find myself getting more nervous and scared. I think it's normal. I keep wondering if this is really the path I need to go. I mean, I'm losing weight on this pre-op diet, so why not just stick with it for a while until lose weight? The problem is I fell into that trap before and I know how it ends. I lose a good amount of weight (usually in the 60-80lb range), then I start slacking off and before you know it I've gained it all back. There's nothing that's FORCING me to stick to it and keep from cheating. There's no consequences other than slowly tightening pants that I can ignore for a while. I know I need more than that.
 
I need help to keep me on track for longer than a few months. Restriction, malabsorption and physical side-effects if I don't follow plan. Yes, I know I can't count on those side effects but at least I can count on the rest. I'll have a smaller stomach that will feel full sooner. I'll have lost a good portion of the stomach that releases the hormone that makes me think I'm hungry.
 
I think my biggest fear is having this surgery and then becoming one of those people that doesn't lose or winds up gaining back most of their weight. I hope I have the mental and physical strength to keep that from happening.