Jill Temkin MA

For many of us, Thanksgiving takes an enormous amount of emotional energy to get through, since it has traditionally been the one time a year that we were “legally allowed” to stuff our selves (along with the turkey)! Now I am no mathematician, but even I can figure out what might go haywire when you add cultural “permission” to over eat (Thanksgiving) with the stress of reuniting with family members!

 With families come emotional buttons that have been embedded since childhood and are visible only to a select few. This can affect the depth and tone of how we communicate with those who have impacted our lives the most. Add to this the expectations of having the perfect family holiday and it is no wonder that Thanksgiving can feel more like a minefield than a celebration for those of us who struggle with our relationship with food. 

 So, how can you show up for Thanksgiving this year in a completely different way and leave feeling nourished (instead of stuffed) and joyful (instead of disappointed)? By changing one simple but profound thing: your focus. What might your holiday be like if you were to intentionally shift your focus from your relationship with food, to your relationship with the people that matter most to you? Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on our many blessings, not the least of which are the important relationships in our lives. You can increase the prospects of having an emotionally connecting and satisfying holiday with your family by doing only one thing in advance. Noticing your profound (and authentic) gratitude for the people who make a difference in your life. 

 Here are three simple steps that can make gratitude and appreciation tastier than any prize-winning stuffing at your Thanksgiving table:

 1. Make a list of the people you will be seeing who have made a real difference in your life.
 2.Write down bullet points of the contributions each of them have made and how their support has impacted you.
 3. Express these sentiments to them – in a letter, email, call, poem, conversation at the dinner table, etc.

 What better way to set the emotional table for a heartfelt and meaningful holiday than by telling people how much they mean to you. Even if there have been hurt feelings in the past, if it is equally true that there are examples of loving acts, kindness, and compassion toward you, than remembering and being present with that reality will shape your life (and theirs) in immeasurable ways. If you are willing to share what you love about the people closest to you, and how their presence in your life has made a difference, you will be amazed at how great you feel and how much easier family gatherings can be when people are in a state of gratitude and appreciation for one another.

 Warning: This approach to being with others might feel so nourishing, that you may want to use it in daily life, rather than saving it for special occasions! Have a wonderful and connecting Thanksgiving!

With families come emotional buttons that have been embedded since childhood and are visible only to a select few. This can affect the depth and tone of how we communicate with those who have impacted our lives the most. Add to this the expectations of having the perfect family holiday and it is no wonder that Thanksgiving can feel more like a minefield than a celebration for those of us who struggle with our relationship with food. 

 So, how can you show up for Thanksgiving this year in a completely different way and leave feeling nourished (instead of stuffed) and joyful (instead of disappointed)? By changing one simple but profound thing: your focus. What might your holiday be like if you were to intentionally shift your focus from your relationship with food, to your relationship with the people that matter most to you? Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on our many blessings, not the least of which are the important relationships in our lives. You can increase the prospects of having an emotionally connecting and satisfying holiday with your family by doing only one thing in advance. Noticing your profound (and authentic) gratitude for the people who make a difference in your life. 

 Here are three simple steps that can make gratitude and appreciation tastier than any prize-winning stuffing at your Thanksgiving table:

 1. Make a list of the people you will be seeing who have made a real difference in your life.
 2.Write down bullet points of the contributions each of them have made and how their support has impacted you.
 3. Express these sentiments to them – in a letter, email, call, poem, conversation at the dinner table, etc.

 What better way to set the emotional table for a heartfelt and meaningful holiday than by telling people how much they mean to you. Even if there have been hurt feelings in the past, if it is equally true that there are examples of loving acts, kindness, and compassion toward you, than remembering and being present with that reality will shape your life (and theirs) in immeasurable ways. If you are willing to share what you love about the people closest to you, and how their presence in your life has made a difference, you will be amazed at how great you feel and how much easier family gatherings can be when people are in a state of gratitude and appreciation for one another.

 Warning: This approach to being with others might feel so nourishing, that you may want to use it in daily life, rather than saving it for special occasions! Have a wonderful and connecting Thanksgiving!

"Be careful how you talk to yourself because you
 are listening." --Lisa M. Hayes What we say to ourselves, and how we say it––matters. When we put our negative thoughts about ourselves into words and say them (even if it’s just in our own head) those words have a far greater impact on our physiology and behaviors than we imagine. According to the article: Figure Of Speech: How The Words We Choose Shape Our Lives, by Dr. Habib Sadeghi, “Research from the University of California at Santa Barbara clearly shows that a weak message repeated twice becomes more valid than a strong message heard only once. Repetition increases our mental validation of anything we’re exposed to. “Now consider how many times (a day) you falsely call yourself stupid, untalented, ugly, or anything else, and you begin to understand how your internal (messages) shape (and perpetuate) a false self-image.” Simply put, we tend to believe and integrate as “true” what we hear. Particularly if we hear the same words, said in the same way, over and over. That is how racism works. That is how sexism works. And that is how our inner-critic works. Developing an “updated” honest but compassionate self-image is the key to success after weight loss surgery. All of our internalized systems––mental, emotional, psychological & physiological––need to work together in order to manifest our goals. To create alignment between our thoughts, self-talk and actions, we need a sort of spiritual “chiropractic adjustment” that will retrain our brains to focus on what we are accomplishing instead of focusing on our flaws. As you might imagine, making this sort of radical shift in our focus and attention isn’t something that comes naturally to most of us. Particularly since we live in a culture that has a significant amount of fear, judgment and distain when it comes to obesity. Most of us have learned to hate and fear obesity the same way the culture does. But for us, hating obesity leads to hating ourselves and treating ourselves with the same disrespect, impatience and distain that we see and feel from others. Here is a 10-Step Process that I developed that you can do on your own to transform critical self-talk, so you never have to poison yourself with unkindness again. Consider this process your path to inner “poison control!” 1.) Look in the mirror and say the things you notice about yourself (out loud). 2.) Write your comments down. 3.) Look over your list and circle the words you use most to describe yourself. 4.) Do these words come from your present experience, or are they steeped in your past view of yourself? 5.) For each circled word, go back and write “past” or “present.” 6.) Now go back to the beginning of your list, and write the phrase: “I am telling myself that I am…” before each of the words you used to describe yourself. (For example, if I wrote the word “fat” as something I say about myself, I would write: “I am telling myself that I am…fat.”) 7.) Notice (and write down) how you feel in your body as you give yourself this message. For example, “When I tell myself (that I’m fat) I feel…(sad and disappointed) 8.) Next, look in the mirror again and finish the following sentence: “What I need to remember when I talk to myself this way is”…(that I am doing the best I can, or, I have lost ___ pounds and am down __ sizes, for example) 9.) Then add: “And remembering this helps me feel more…”(hopeful, for example.) 10.) Now, put all of your statements together like so: “I am telling myself that I am (fat). When I tell myself this, I feel (sad and disappointed). What I need to remember when I talk to myself this way is (that I am doing the best I can, and I’ve lost __ pounds and gone down __ sizes). Remembering this helps me feel more (hopeful). Next, rinse and repeat, as they say on shampoo bottles, by doing this process with all your critical “self-talk” statements. Learning how to complete your thoughts by adding compassionate and accepting language can serve as your anecdote to years of poisonous self-talk. If working with your inner critic on your own feels like an overwhelming task, you can start creating more alignment between your thoughts, self-talk and actions by signing-up for a complimentary conversation with me, Jill Temkin, the author and Director of Living Thin Within. I would be happy to discuss how I could help you to maximize and sustain the health and weight loss results you are working so hard to achieve! Go to: http://www.livingthinwithin.net/free-consultation.html Or, Check out our unique services @: http://www.livingthinwithin.net/services.html

Weird question: Would you ever knowingly poison yourself? I am betting your answer would be no! Yet, how many times a day do you talk to yourself in a way that diminishes your value or undermines your self worth? Every time we call ourselves a name (stupid, fat, an idiot) or repeat a message that confirms we are somehow lacking, or not enough, we are essentially ingesting a small dose of poison and wondering why we don’t feel so well. "Be careful how you talk to yourself because you
 are listening." --Lisa M. Hayes What we say to ourselves, and how we say it––matters. When we put our negative thoughts about ourselves into words and say them (even if it’s just in our own head) those words have a far greater impact on our physiology and behaviors than we imagine. According to the article: Figure Of Speech: How The Words We Choose Shape Our Lives, by Dr. Habib Sadeghi, “Research from the University of California at Santa Barbara clearly shows that a weak message repeated twice becomes more valid than a strong message heard only once. Repetition increases our mental validation of anything we’re exposed to. “Now consider how many times (a day) you falsely call yourself stupid, untalented, ugly, or anything else, and you begin to understand how your internal (messages) shape (and perpetuate) a false self-image.” Simply put, we tend to believe and integrate as “true” what we hear. Particularly if we hear the same words, said in the same way, over and over. That is how racism works. That is how sexism works. And that is how our inner-critic works. Developing an “updated” honest but compassionate self-image is the key to success after weight loss surgery. All of our internalized systems––mental, emotional, psychological & physiological––need to work together in order to manifest our goals. To create alignment between our thoughts, self-talk and actions, we need a sort of spiritual “chiropractic adjustment” that will retrain our brains to focus on what we are accomplishing instead of focusing on our flaws. As you might imagine, making this sort of radical shift in our focus and attention isn’t something that comes naturally to most of us. Particularly since we live in a culture that has a significant amount of fear, judgment and distain when it comes to obesity. Most of us have learned to hate and fear obesity the same way the culture does. But for us, hating obesity leads to hating ourselves and treating ourselves with the same disrespect, impatience and distain that we see and feel from others. Here is a 10-Step Process that I developed that you can do on your own to transform critical self-talk, so you never have to poison yourself with unkindness again. Consider this process your path to inner “poison control!” 1.) Look in the mirror and say the things you notice about yourself (out loud). 2.) Write your comments down. 3.) Look over your list and circle the words you use most to describe yourself. 4.) Do these words come from your present experience, or are they steeped in your past view of yourself? 5.) For each circled word, go back and write “past” or “present.” 6.) Now go back to the beginning of your list, and write the phrase: “I am telling myself that I am…” before each of the words you used to describe yourself. (For example, if I wrote the word “fat” as something I say about myself, I would write: “I am telling myself that I am…fat.”) 7.) Notice (and write down) how you feel in your body as you give yourself this message. For example, “When I tell myself (that I’m fat) I feel…(sad and disappointed) 8.) Next, look in the mirror again and finish the following sentence: “What I need to remember when I talk to myself this way is”…(that I am doing the best I can, or, I have lost ___ pounds and am down __ sizes, for example) 9.) Then add: “And remembering this helps me feel more…”(hopeful, for example.) 10.) Now, put all of your statements together like so: “I am telling myself that I am (fat). When I tell myself this, I feel (sad and disappointed). What I need to remember when I talk to myself this way is (that I am doing the best I can, and I’ve lost __ pounds and gone down __ sizes). Remembering this helps me feel more (hopeful). Next, rinse and repeat, as they say on shampoo bottles, by doing this process with all your critical “self-talk” statements. Learning how to complete your thoughts by adding compassionate and accepting language can serve as your anecdote to years of poisonous self-talk. If working with your inner critic on your own feels like an overwhelming task, you can start creating more alignment between your thoughts, self-talk and actions by signing-up for a complimentary conversation with me, Jill Temkin, the author and Director of Living Thin Within. I would be happy to discuss how I could help you to maximize and sustain the health and weight loss results you are working so hard to achieve! Go to: http://www.livingthinwithin.net/free-consultation.html Or, Check out our unique services @: http://www.livingthinwithin.net/services.html

We all know that change doesn’t happen in a vacuum; it’s dynamic. As you change, your relationships with those closest to you change too. Yet, most of us are caught by surprise when our dynamics with those closest to us begin to change in the aftermath of our weight loss surgery (WLS). Understanding why these changes occur, and how to address them, can make the difference between deepening the intimacy and connection we feel with those that matter most to us—or losing it. Prior to having WLS, most of us had at least one person in our lives (a partner, parent, child, friend, etc.) that expressed concern about our health and longevity and supported our decision to have the WLS. That person had a stake in wanting us be alive, well, and in their life for the long haul. So we are understandably hurt and confused if the same person that initially supported and encouraged us begins to change their tune as we become healthier, thinner, more mobile and more social. Obesity is often a family disease. The family is the core unit of all social relationships across cultures. Even if we are not connected to our original families anymore, we tend to recreate the family systems we grew up in with those closest to us. When one person in the family goes through major changes (like WLS) the rest of the system experiences “aftershocks,” like in an earthquake. In the Earth’s case, the “aftershock” is a natural way to release the remaining tension and pressure so equilibrium can be reestablished. In our loved ones case, I would argue that the same holds true. When we lose weight and become more available to work, run errands, and socialize with others, those closest us may feel threatened and may (unconsciously) do or say things in an attempt to reestablish old roles, routines and responses. They don't do any of these things to consciously hurt us or make life harder for us. They are just trying to get back into equilibrium. They just want life to feel “safe” again, on solid ground, like they did when we were over-weight and our roles were clearly defined, predictable and exclusive. It’s important to remember that our loved ones may be used to having us virtually all to themselves, so suddenly sharing us with a broader social network may be challenging and difficult for them to adjust to. One of the biggest oversights in the WLS preparation process is the lack of education and communication about how our WLS will impact those around us. The focus of the preparation is generally on how the surgery will impact us, not on how our weight loss may effect those closest to us. This common (and often painful) oversight usually results in no one being adequately prepared to deal with the complicated range feelings that arise (all around us) as a result of our WLS. The bottom line is, we all want to feel safe, loved and know that we belong. Wanting safety, predictability and reassurance during any transition is a normal, natural response. We aren’t the only ones that need support during our WLS transition. Those closest to us are going through their own tough transitions; it’s just not as obvious, because there are no pounds and inches melting away before our very eyes. So, if you’ve noticed that your loved ones are doing or saying things that feel like they are trying to sabotage your weight loss progress, or blame you for not being as available, you are not alone. But it may be helpful to understand that jealousy and sabotage (whether it’s self sabotage, or actions taken by another) can always be traced back to that deep desire to “protect” and preserve the equilibrium, or status quo—even when that status quo made everyone miserable! Because like it or not, even misery (that we are used to) is predictable, and change—even if it’s positive—is not. It’s critical to understand that your family, close friends and loved ones need their own source of support to adjust to “the new you” in order for the transition to work for everyone. If your partner or family members are willing to acknowledge that your WLS transition is difficult for them too, that’s half the battle. The other half is getting everyone the support they need to make the transition as productive, healthy, and sustainable as possible. Talking to our loved ones about getting the support they need is key, so we don’t resort back to old behaviors (like overeating) in an effort to make them (and us) more comfortable in the moment. So, the next time you find yourself getting confused, angry, or reaching for food you didn’t intend to eat after a loved one says or does something that triggers or hurts you, ask yourself if they may be feeling scared or threatened, and just looking for any way possible to get back to “normal” again. If the people that matter most to you are willing to work together to explore, understand, and consider one another’s experiences and needs with respect and compassion, than you have a chance to make your relationships more meaningful and intimate than ever. With this sort of foundation, you can work through your collective transitions with a new appreciation and understanding of all that is possible for each of you now. To do that, I recommend that you and your partner (or family) either participate in: Structured coaching, designed to help each person identify and implement practical strategies to move through his/her individual transition with more ease, understanding and support; or, Couples or family counseling (with a professional in your area) to help you work through more complicated, longer-term relationship issues. Whatever you choose, understand that your WLS can be framed as an opportunity to increase the satisfaction and depth you experience in your closest relationships, or, it can be framed as something that shines a light on the growing divide between you and those closest to you. How you frame it, and the actions you take based on that belief, is up to you.

I completely agree! If we enter relationships when we are NOT in touch with our own value and worth, and then begin to feel better about ourselves, it is quite natural to want to have relationships that reflect where we are now…not where we used to be. This can be quite scary for many couples, but by the same token, it's an opportunity for both individuals to get more clarity about what they each want and need. In some cases, this could mean leaving a relationship that doesn't support you to make healthy choices or take good care of yourself. In other cases, it might mean that both partners have "settled" in certain ways, and that they each need to do some work so that they can come to the partnership with new eyes, and more clarity about how they want to be with each other in the future. The beautiful thing is…once we begin to get a sense of our non-negeociable self-worth, anything is possible.

Thanks so much for letting me know that you enjoyed my article!!!

Prior to having WLS, most of us had at least one person in our lives (a partner, parent, child, friend, etc.) that expressed concern about our health and longevity and supported our decision to have the WLS. That person had a stake in wanting us be alive, well, and in their life for the long haul. So we are understandably hurt and confused if the same person that initially supported and encouraged us begins to change their tune as we become healthier, thinner, more mobile and more social. Obesity is often a family disease. The family is the core unit of all social relationships across cultures. Even if we are not connected to our original families anymore, we tend to recreate the family systems we grew up in with those closest to us. When one person in the family goes through major changes (like WLS) the rest of the system experiences “aftershocks,” like in an earthquake. In the Earth’s case, the “aftershock” is a natural way to release the remaining tension and pressure so equilibrium can be reestablished. In our loved ones case, I would argue that the same holds true. When we lose weight and become more available to work, run errands, and socialize with others, those closest us may feel threatened and may (unconsciously) do or say things in an attempt to reestablish old roles, routines and responses. They don't do any of these things to consciously hurt us or make life harder for us. They are just trying to get back into equilibrium. They just want life to feel “safe” again, on solid ground, like they did when we were over-weight and our roles were clearly defined, predictable and exclusive. It’s important to remember that our loved ones may be used to having us virtually all to themselves, so suddenly sharing us with a broader social network may be challenging and difficult for them to adjust to. One of the biggest oversights in the WLS preparation process is the lack of education and communication about how our WLS will impact those around us. The focus of the preparation is generally on how the surgery will impact us, not on how our weight loss may effect those closest to us. This common (and often painful) oversight usually results in no one being adequately prepared to deal with the complicated range feelings that arise (all around us) as a result of our WLS. The bottom line is, we all want to feel safe, loved and know that we belong. Wanting safety, predictability and reassurance during any transition is a normal, natural response. We aren’t the only ones that need support during our WLS transition. Those closest to us are going through their own tough transitions; it’s just not as obvious, because there are no pounds and inches melting away before our very eyes. So, if you’ve noticed that your loved ones are doing or saying things that feel like they are trying to sabotage your weight loss progress, or blame you for not being as available, you are not alone. But it may be helpful to understand that jealousy and sabotage (whether it’s self sabotage, or actions taken by another) can always be traced back to that deep desire to “protect” and preserve the equilibrium, or status quo—even when that status quo made everyone miserable! Because like it or not, even misery (that we are used to) is predictable, and change—even if it’s positive—is not. It’s critical to understand that your family, close friends and loved ones need their own source of support to adjust to “the new you” in order for the transition to work for everyone. If your partner or family members are willing to acknowledge that your WLS transition is difficult for them too, that’s half the battle. The other half is getting everyone the support they need to make the transition as productive, healthy, and sustainable as possible. Talking to our loved ones about getting the support they need is key, so we don’t resort back to old behaviors (like overeating) in an effort to make them (and us) more comfortable in the moment. So, the next time you find yourself getting confused, angry, or reaching for food you didn’t intend to eat after a loved one says or does something that triggers or hurts you, ask yourself if they may be feeling scared or threatened, and just looking for any way possible to get back to “normal” again. If the people that matter most to you are willing to work together to explore, understand, and consider one another’s experiences and needs with respect and compassion, than you have a chance to make your relationships more meaningful and intimate than ever. With this sort of foundation, you can work through your collective transitions with a new appreciation and understanding of all that is possible for each of you now. To do that, I recommend that you and your partner (or family) either participate in: Structured coaching, designed to help each person identify and implement practical strategies to move through his/her individual transition with more ease, understanding and support; or, Couples or family counseling (with a professional in your area) to help you work through more complicated, longer-term relationship issues. Whatever you choose, understand that your WLS can be framed as an opportunity to increase the satisfaction and depth you experience in your closest relationships, or, it can be framed as something that shines a light on the growing divide between you and those closest to you. How you frame it, and the actions you take based on that belief, is up to you.