Trace Lynne

The first couple of days after surgery are a bit fuzzy, but that is to be expected. I tried to ween myself off the pain meds fairly quickly. Now, I only use them at night, if needed to help go to sleep. I haven't used them for the last couple nights. My new stomach and I are still trying to negotiate terms, and each day is spent trying to figure out what things we do and do not like. The only major hiccup I have had in this process is that I woke up this past Thursday night/Friday morning about 3:30am screaming in pain. It was an excruciating pain on the upper-right part of the abs, just under the rib cage. I suspected it was a gallbladder thing. I contacted the doc as soon as his office opened in the morning, and they had me come in for an exam. The doc seems to think it had something to do with gallbladder too. He sent me to get tested and have an ultrasound done of the area. By about 2pm in the afternoon, the pain left about as quickly as it came... and I was able to relax enough to fall back to sleep. Something positive that came out of the doc visit is to see that I dropped almost 10 lbs since surgery. All together, I have lost like 47 lbs, I can hardly believe it. I'm almost at the 50 lbs mark since last spring. How is that even possible? I've never been this successful at losing weight... and most of that weight came off pre-op! So, as I've approached (and maybe even hit) the 50 lbs mark, something I've noticed about my morning/evening walks with the dog is that I feel phenomenal. I mean, as I walk, it feels like there is less gravitational pull on my body... almost like what I would imagine walking across the surface of the moon would be like. I walk faster, the pressure that used to be on my knees and lower back is gone... and my clothing is hanging on me... making it feel like I'm flowing as I walk. I know that people still seen the 300+ lbs version of me, but that version of me is becoming less by the day. I still have a long way to go before I hit my goal. However, with as fit and energetic as I feel at the moment, I see myself more as the person who has already hit that goal. I hope I can continue on this strong in the coming months as winter approaches.

My surgery was on Thursday, 8/28... I was in the hospital Thursday, Friday, and they let me go home yesterday. I was a bit loopy all of Friday, and I wasn't completely there yesterday. Luckily, my nephew was able to hang out with me all afternoon. I told my nephew that one task I've been assigned from the doc is to release the CO2 that is caught in my gut. He made a game of it and started rating my releases on a scale of 1-10. After a while, he started to join in. I mean, what teenaged boy would pass up a gas passing contest?? At one point, we were laughing so hard that things got a little out of control, however, I feel a lot less like the balloon I came home as. I mean, this is about how I felt (link below) http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Tv6DJxVDN-Y/UK573JF6a2I/AAAAAAAAB3o/dH6KjTjJoSQ/s400/violet-beauregarde.jpg I feel a bit groggy today, but that is to be expected. I don't hurt anywhere, just am a bit uncomfortable at times. I managed to consume about 600 calories yesterday and about half the water I need. I'm glad I haven't hit that point that so many people talk about when they are nauseated and/or throwing up. I'm taking the pain meds as needed. Mostly, before I lie down to sleep. I'm sticking to the doc's orders on how to consume food and how much to move. Just not quite to the amount he wants me to be consuming. It feels weird that I have no hunger or appetite, I'm consuming as best as I can, and thinking of it more like medicine than food. Something to keep me healthy and going while I recover.

I have three full days left before surgery. These last couple of days have been a little more difficult. I'm supposed to be on all liquids, no protein bar. I want nothing more than to chew something. I want to eat food. My craving for food in my mouth has consumed my thoughts today. I couldn't focus on anything else for very long. I haven't gotten anything done that needed to be done. I have been sticking to the plan, but it is so difficult. I've spent much of today angry and grumpy... and crying from the frustration I feel. The dog and cat have done their best to distract me. I actually took a nap earlier today. I don't typically nap. Lost in thought today, trying to distract myself, I went through a whole roller coaster of emotions. In less than 5-days' time, I will be sitting in the hospital, surgery will be completed, and the tool I've been waiting 10 years to deploy will be in hand. I will be past that milestone, past the anxiety and nerves I feel today. I will have the rest of my life ahead of me, without being controlled by the constant hunger I've felt for the last couple years. I will be able to get into shape and live the life I've always wanted. I've lost my youth in this process. I am 35 years old, I'm no longer the 20-something idealist who wanted to save the world. I am no longer the person who stayed out to all hours of the night partying and dancing. I missed most of the things I wanted to do in my mid-20s, because I was so caught up in working long hours, doing my master's degree, and getting ahead. That isn't what I wanted for myself. I hardly made time to date in my 20s. I had a boyfriend during college, and a couple short-term things since. Most of my adult life has been on my own. My nephew once asked me why I would choose such a lonely existence. ... This is where some of the soul searching comes in... For as long as I can remember, I have feared relationships, just as much as I have feared being on my own. I always wanted someone to love me... but I was always the fat girl, the weird girl... I didn't fit into anyone's mold or ideal. I grew up in a small town, and I was never asked out by the boys I went to school with... not once... Not my entire time in high school... I did have a date to junior and senior proms, but that was because I dragged along friends who were younger than me (and in band with me). I was always told there was something wrong with me, and I feared I would always be alone. In college, I started dating someone my first year, and I held on to that shred of hope for 4 years past the expiration date. He was horrible to me, and he even admitted that to me years later. I wanted so desperately to have someone be there for me, that I let him drag me down. It was the worst break-up I could have ever imagined. It took my years to want to try dating again. After college, I thought work and grad school could help me fill the void I have always felt in my life. I loved my job and used to joke about how I was married to my work. I did my best in school, and my last semester gpa was 3.54. I was doing so well. Then I broke up with my job in my early 30s, or rather, I moved on. I was ready for a new adventure. I was promoted and one of the youngest people at my level in the entire department. I thought I was doing so well. I thought I could take on the world, and started dating again, all of the wrong people. Within a few months, I was so incredibly miserable. Oh, and let's not forget about all of the money I spend to fill the void. I bought a house, had a new car, filled my house completely... I had so many clothes that I couldn't possibly wear them all. I filled the closet in my room, the office, and the upstairs room. I decided to moonlight as a photographer to help distract me from how miserable I was at work and in my relationships. I had all this amazing equipment, $1000s of equipment. In dating the wrong people, I felt so worthless. The last guy I dated would come to visit on the weekend, and we would do nothing but fight. Or rather, he would spend a couple hours yelling at me about everything, my house was a mess, i was too fat, I worked too much, you name it... we would go through the spiel, every weekend. He left me and moved on... was married by the following summer. I was devastated that I meant so little to someone that they could turn around and marry another less than a year after we had been making plans for the long-term. I was done. I couldn't take it anymore. I had one of those moments in life where I sat at a crossroads, and a quote from my favorite movie popped in my head. It was time to get busy living or get busy dying. I chose living. I made a radical change that shocked everyone. The next day I put in my 2-weeks' notice at work, I got rid of my stuff, I turned my house back over to the bank, I packed up my camera, laptop, and some clothes and I hit the road. I ended up in a small village in central america, working with a non-profit and feeling free and like myself for the first time since I was in college. I was living off my savings, with the intent to continue south, working along the way as I could find it. Unfortunately, family issues summoned me back to the US within a year. I wasn't done with my journey, but things needed to be handled state-side. Not to mention, I had a few loose ends to tie up before departing further into the jungle. I had not finished my master's degree. I stopped 1 class shy and took a break for personal reasons. I had some stuff in storage that I need to rid myself of. I need to lose my excess weight and get healthy again. Sorry... tangent... I came across someone while I was traveling who was rather insightful... She told me that there were still things I needed to fix about myself and how I perceive myself. She said that I would not be happy in a relationship until I am happy with myself. Looking back, she was right, I was always miserable in those relationships. I was never searching for a partner for the right reasons. I don't know if I know what those reasons are, or if I will ever know. She told me that I would be in my mid-to-late 30s before I felt alive and whole, but I needed to do that for myself before bringing another into the equation. Its been a couple years, I'm state-side... I'm now 35 years old... and everything fell into place to allow me to have surgery just a few months after my birthday. Looking back, I am sorry that I missed out on the vibrance of what could've been my 20-something life, but I'm convinced I needed to have those experiences to truly be ready for these moments over the next few days, weeks, months, years... If I would've opted for the surgery in my mid-20s, I would have not taken the chance to find myself. I did, in the jungles of central america, find myself more than any other moment I've had. I was on my own two feet, I was in a place I didn't speak the language, I felt good with the work I did. Most importantly, I was not defined in terms of anyone else. I was strong, independent, free willed... and the only thing that stopped me from continuing further on the journey was a choice I made to return state-side and help my family.

I did it! I did it! During my initial appointment with the surgeon in July, he stated that I needed to lose another 15 lbs prior to surgery. My Pre-op appointment with him was yesterday. I've 16 lbs since my appointment with him in July, and I've been greenlighted for surgery next week. Yes, a week. I'm now at 7 days and counting. My nerves are a bundle, and my excitement is off the chart. I have lost over 30 lbs since my birthday at the end of MAY (in 3 months' time). That is crazy. No other attempt to lose weight has been this 1) consistent or 2) successful. I'm fitting back into my dress clothes that I bought last summer when I returned from working in Central America. Still need to drop another 50 lbs to be pre-knee injury/surgery weight... but I'm getting there. I now have less than 200 lbs before I hit my goal. Sorry, my thoughts are not cohesive today. Lots of things on my mind. I start my all liquid/no solids consumption tomorrow. To do pre-surgery list: 1) start all liquids (8/22) 2) do final blood draw (8/22-8/25) 3) pre-registration call with the hospital (8/26) 4) final pre-op nurse check-in/weigh-in (8/26) 5) get my POA documentation signed/notarized/filed (8/26) 6) review/go through 24 hour pre-op checklist (8/27) 7) pack for hospital stay (8/27) 8) stop all liquids by midnight (8/27) 9) show up to hospital (8/28) My leave of absence from work has been handled. My work is being temporarily transitioned to a co-worker while I'm gone... my nephew will be taking care of the house/dog/cat while I'm gone. I should see if my trainer will get a pic of me tonight when I go workout. That would be fun to see a difference, even from a few weeks ago. Waiting it the worst... patience is not my forte... sigh.

I went to my pre-op appointment the end of July, and the surgeon wanted me on 4 weeks of the liquid diet and to lose an additional 15 lbs. The surgery, of course, ended up being scheduled about 6 weeks out. I took the extra 2 weeks as an opportunity to phase in the liquid diet and spaced out the 'this is the last time' foods... I'm about 2.5 weeks our from surgery, and I've lost 10 of the 15 lbs requested by the surgeon. I also decided not to leave it entirely to chance (or my own will power), I'm working with a personal trainer to get fit for surgery (and beyond).

Hi. I'm a single, 35 year old female who is about 2.5 weeks from surgery. My official start weight was 363 lbs. I'm now 340 lbs, as of Friday's weigh-in. I was told 10 years ago that I would never lose the weight without surgery, and it's taken this long for me to decide to go through with it. My biggest fear at the time was how much I would miss out on travel-wise. I love to travel and didn't think the RNY was conducive to travel. I was working in a village in Guatemala last year when I came across someone who had been through the procedure and he told me how much better travel is post-op, now that he can go hiking and do the things he had wanted to do. I returned to the US for a job and the opportunity presented itself this past spring. I still have about 200 lbs to lose, and am worried about excess skin and all of that. But I'm working with a personal trainer to help strengthen the my muscles. I have always been that wonderful girl who is a great friend, but not datable. I'm curious to see what happens in that respect. Will I still remain invisible? How will it effect me? I'm so used to being picked on and laughed at that I ignore comments from guys. Yet, even with the weight I've lost since May, people are noticing a difference in me. My coworkers and nurse from the weight mgmt office all have asked me if I'm seeing someone new, because I'm radiant and glowing of late. And really, I feel alive for first time in years. Post-op, I have a date with my snowboard and the slopes over the winter holiday. My nephew, who turns 20 this fall, and I plan to participate in a warrior dash next summer. I would also love to connect with other single females in their late 20s to mid-30s who are going thru with the RNY. Or have gone thru with it. I want to know your experiences.

I can hardly believe that the surgery is 3 weeks from today. It will be about 3 months after I started this whole thing, and as long as I stay on track, I will have lost 25-30 lbs prior to surgery. That, in and of itself, is unheard of. Amazing. Last night was the worst night I've had so far. I couldn't do anything to curb my hunger, and I had a whole bunch of stuff come at me at once. I was ready to punch someone. I decided to remove myself from that situation before I exploded. I grabbed a bottle of water, my dog, and we went for a walk, despite my house being full of guests. I couldn't take it anymore and just needed to leave. As soon as we were out walking, I burst into tears. I was so hungry, so frustrated, so upset. I was thankful that the darkness outside could mask my tears a bit. We kept walking until I had calmed down. Everyone who was at the house had left or was in bed by the time I returned. I love my family, but I can't stand them at times. I haven't been entirely open with them about everything that is going on, but it would be nice if they could try to understand the boundaries I've given them. I wish they wouldn't look to me whenever they needed something fixed in their own lives. As one of my friend's said this morning, They always seem to look at things from their point of view, but never can look from your point if view and be understanding. Wouldn't it be nice if people could be understanding? Wouldn't it be nice if kids would understand better that their actions/words really can hurt others? Wouldn't it be nice if people didn't tease or pick on others because of what they look like or what a person can/cannot eat? I have to remind myself that there are things I can't change, I can only control/change how I respond to those things. And by going through this process, I'm making a big change in my life about how I handle things.

Last week I met with my surgeon. I was so excited and nervous. I knew that meant I would finally be out of limbo. I brought my support person along. I was ready, they say that surgery can be two weeks out, or 4 weeks, depending on the surgeon. He did his assessment and said, well, I think you're a good candidate, but you have a lot of fatty tissue in your midsection. I need that to loosen up and shrink, or that will make surgery more difficult. He said he wanted me on 4 weeks of product and to lose 15 lbs. I can do it, I know I can. I've already lost 14 lbs in the last 2 months, I just need to drop another 15 lbs in the next month. Easy, right? Then I went to the front desk, and the only available time they have for me is August 28th. SIX WEEKS? UGH! So much waiting, so much work. I picked up the liquid product, and I'm working towards consuming all 4 things during the day. I tried product cold turkey before, it was very difficult, and I thought I would give myself a couple weeks to ease into it. I really don't like the flavor of any of it... but its what the doctor wants. I am down to one meal of real food a day, plus the product three times a day. I plan to be on it full-time by this weekend. My calorie intake is down to 1,000 calories a day... and I'm feeling so moody. How have others dealt with this? I'm so hungry within 1.5 to 2 hours after I've had the shake or soup. I've been trying to consume more water, but the hunger monster starts to rear his angry head, and I'm so afraid that I'll snap at someone or just start crying. Yesterday, I was having issues with my computer at work because of the bugs from the new system migration we went through. I wanted to drop-kick it down the five flights of stairs. I was just so frustrated and angry... then I started crying. I'm afraid of what is going to happen when I drop reduce to the 800 calories/day consumption. To help with losing some of the weight, I've also enlisted the help of a trainer. I'm seeing him twice a week, going to Zumba class once a week, and walk/bike with my dog on the off nights. My muscles are sore... I'm tired and struggle to get up in the morning,... but I'm still trucking along... It would be nice if I could exceed that goal of 15 lbs...

I got "the call" on Friday. The surgeon's office called for my consultation. I will finally be able to set a date and tell work when exactly I am planning to be off on leave. To this point, it's a moving target. Over the course of the many appointments, I've had different health care professionals tell me different things about how this works. I will see the surgeon on Wednesday, and depending on what ever the formula is for setting the surgery date, they will give me a date either 2 or 4 weeks out... and I start the liquid diet phase... I'm continuing to follow the eating plan... however, I strayed a little this weekend. I went for a breakfast burrito yesterday... I could only eat a portion of it, though. Then I proceeded to spend the afternoon moving furniture and boxes around, trying to organize my home office space. I awoke today with sore muscles in my arms, up my sides, and across my chest/back. Is there a way to log that in myfitness pal? What surprised me, though, is that I wasn't even phased about not ordering diet soda. My program wants me off caffeine, carbonation, and diet soda. I've been following those instructions for nearly 2 weeks now. It surprises me how I'm not having any adverse response to the lack of caffeine. This weekend, I've been trying to process the idea that my relationship is about to completely change. I mean, for awhile it won't be anything solid, then very limited in quantity. We walked through Sam's club today, and there were rows and rows and rows of food there that I won't be able to eat. How people interact with me will need to change. I'm not sure how that will change people around me. I'm really excited, but also pretty nervous.

I went to see my hematologist last week, and did her tests. The tests came back and based on my understanding of the results, I only need a low dose of Coumadin post-op. yay! I've submitted my update to the dietitian, showing that I'm closer to meeting the guideline. I had a fun moment over the weekend. My nephew and I were sitting on opposite ends of the sofa on Saturday night. There were tons of bonfires and gatherings around the neighborhood. We were sitting there quietly, me playing on my iPhone and he was on his computer. Being funny I sent him a text challenging him to a dance-off on Just Dance. Without speaking, we got up, moved the furniture, and started up the Xbox. I love that game. We played for over an hour. I came close to beating him on one song... however, he stomped me on the rest of the songs. I still need to work up the courage to do the zumba games. As of today, I've been off soda, carbonation, and caffeine a week. In other news, I've lost enough weight to get back into some of my summer work blouses. They are a little snug, but they fit. I was so excited that I wore a blouse and slacks to the office today, however, the blouse is worn under a sweater, to help mask the bulging buttons at the belly. I was informed that I was looking pretty spiffed up and asked what the special occasion was. I was tempted to say something to the effect that I could fit back into the clothes. Instead, it was 'no reason, just felt like it'. I don't discuss my personal stuff at work. I can't wait until I hear back from the doc's office about setting an appointment with the surgeon.

I am having such a difficult time thinking about much else today. I mean, I did sit through 2 appointments and had a lab draw this afternoon. I have my vitamins. I have a pill packet to help keep me on track with the vitamins each day. I am not only going through the motions, but I'm also researching and learning. Yesterday, the behaviorist told me to think about short-, mid-, and long-term goals to help me get through the tougher moments. My target weight is 150 lbs, based on the composition analysis done by my bariatric doc. I haven't seen that weight on the scale since I was a teen. I accept I will never be the small, petite size of several other members of my family, but I'm good with 150. I keep trying to imagine what it will be like to be able to shop in a "normal" clothing store or to find cute things at thrift shops, instead of the clothing I've had to wear all of these years. As I hit the milestones post-op, I want to be able to go into stores and try on clothing. I really dislike this, but as I'm losing the mass, it will be exciting to see these changes. I look forward to cleaning out my closet and donating everything that is too big. One thing I have promised myself is that once I'm approaching my goal, I won't continue to hide myself under baggy clothing. I will work with a wardrobe person to get clothing fitted properly. For too many years, I have been hiding myself underneath tents. Beyond clothing, I REALLY want to be able to do the things I enjoyed when I was younger. I have a snowboard that has been in storage, waiting for me to return to the slopes. One trip I want to make is to Colorado to hit the slopes. I have a camera that really wants to go out hiking with me again soon. My hope was to go backpacking through glacier national park once I finished my graduate degree. I still haven't gone. To be able to sit in the roller coaster seat at Cedar Point again will be amazing. I was so disappointed the last time I went there and we couldn't get the restraint around my hips/belly. Of course, there will be a lot of work between now and then. I have several nieces and nephews who are finally big enough to ride the roller coasters at Cedar Point, so, next year, I want to plan a trip with my family to go spend the day there. The other thing I really want to do in the next year or so is hike the San Pedro Volcano in Guatemala. I was there in 2012/2013, and that mountain laughed at me. I really want to get myself into shape enough to hike to the top. Once I've lost some weight, I want to try out for a roller derby team. Everyone has to try it at least once, right? Once I'm under 300 lbs, I want to join a zumba class. Once I'm under 250 lbs, I want to join a kick-boxing class. Once I'm under 200 lbs, I want to join a parkour gym. I did gymnastics as a kid, I loved it and was disappointed that my parents stopped taking me. I want to bike the Dalmac. I want to do a warrior dash. I want to go sky diving. I want to go spelunking. I want to learn to rock climb. I want to be the cool aunt who teaches my nieces and nephews the fun of running. I used to run 10 miles at a time when I was in high school. Well, more of a jog, but I still went the distance. I want them to join me for 5k runs, 10k runs... and maybe even work up to half-marathons. I want to take the kids who are old enough out white water rafting. I want to go on canoeing and kayaking trips. I've missed out on so much for the last 6-8 years. In 2004, I went white water rafting, it was such a rush. I really want to go again. In 2006, I went zip-lining 100' in the air through a jungle, and I hiked a volcano that had erupted the week before and there was still molten rock flowing down the side. I haven't done much since then. I'm hoping that this will all help to keep me motivated. In the meantime, I will continue to take the small steps.

Today I met with the nutritionist again. She said I'm progressing very well, but I'm not quite there yet. She wants me hitting 12-14g of protein 5-6 times a day consistently before she signs off on moving forward with my surgery. My next appointment with her is in 2 weeks. She is the last person I'm waiting on to sign off before I can talk with the surgeon and get the surgery schedule. She told me to email my food report to her next week, and I've hit it everyday, then she will sign off. The changes I've been making in my diet seem to be helping, though. I mean, last night, after my shower last night, when I wrapped my towel around me, it touched end to end instead of there being a 3+ inch gap between the ends. I know it is a little thing, but I was so excited to see that. Then I got on the dreaded scale at the doc's office to have it tell us I've lost 12 lbs since my initial consultation. (Jumping up and down for joy!!!) 12 lbs in 6 weeks, that's probably better than any weight loss program I've done in the last decade.

This journey started the day I decided to go to the Sparrow Weight Management information session (5/6/14). The bariatric physician stood up and talked about how being obese, or morbidly obese, as in my case, isn't just about eating too much food. He spoke of how over the last 10 years, the medical community have started to realize over 150 things can go wrong and impact a person's normal system. My past experiences with doctors were about them blaming me for a lack of control and will power. But it never matter how much i ate or didn't eat... how much I exercised or didn't... I always put on the weight, an average of 10 lbs a year. I tried so hard, and nothing seemed to work, and I gave up. Now I'm about 200 lbs overweight, and that's when I decided to go to that information session. I about cried to hear this. They gave us a packet, told us to contact our insurance to ask the questions needed to see what is covered, and if we were interested, give the weight management office a call to set up our first consultation. I have over 200 of sick leave that I could use if needed, now was the time for me to move on this. I called my insurance office during break the next morning and got all of the answers to the questionnaire. I then called the weight management office to get my appointment with them. Ugh, I had to wait until May 30th for the initial consultation. So, I decided to set up an appointment with my primary care doc to just let them know I'm moving forward with this. May 30th rolls around. In addition to meeting with the doctor, I spoke with the surgical coordinator, the person who helped set up all of my appointments and tests. Chest x-ray Lab work, where they took 10-11 viles from me EKG Sleep test Appt with my hemo specialist Outside psych eval Exercise readiness dietitian consultation ... just to name a few... I guess it could be worse... I mean, its not like I have tons of ailments with more specialists who have to sign off on this procedure. My insurance approved my moving forward with the surgery over a month ago, but the weight management office has their process. I've received sign off from everyone except the dietitian as of today. I see her a little later this morning, and I go talk to my hemo specialist to get the blood clot prevention strategy in place, since have a genetic blood disorder, increasing my chances of getting a blood clot (which was discovered a few years ago after my knee surgery and I was admitted to the ICU with massive clotting post-surgery). I spoke with the behaviorist yesterday... and asked her what happens once I get final sign-off from the dietitian. She said that's when I go to stage 2 of hoop jumping... yeah! I switch to the liquid diet for 2-4 weeks, meet with the dietitian, behaviorist, exercise specialist weekly, go to pre-op educational classes, and do the surgical consultation. She said I will also get my surgery date at that time. I am approaching 6 weeks of this process beginning with my initial consultation. The summer if flying by. The first part, waiting for the initial consultation felt like I was climbing the first hill of a roller coaster. I've been averaging 2-3 appointments/tests a week and it feels like the pedal is to the metal. Based on what I was told, the earliest I can go in for surgery is the last week of July (and my educational sessions would be condensed into 2-4 hours for the next couple weeks). However, the way appointments seem to be happening, It will more likely be mid-August. Unfortunately, this makes it really difficult for me to plan my schedule at work for the rest of the summer. I am excited about how quickly things are going, but it also feels like the unspecified surgery in the near future is forever away.