jjsmiles

I have lost 120 pounds (almost at ONEderland :thumbup:) since I became serious about my journey on June 12, 2007. I lost 43 pounds prior to surgery(combination weight watchers and liquid pre-op diet) and the other 77 since being banded on September 25, 2007. I have lost at least 8 pounds per month since being banded. Since Christmas, my patterns are generally I lose all my monthly weight over 2 or so weeks, and then I stay the same for about 2-3 weeks, and then I start losing again. I follow the same routines and diet, but this is how my body responds. I am off all my long term previous medications (for diabetes and reflux), with the exception of synthroid, for my thryroid. In terms of what I eat, I eat everything, but in moderation. I still eat Cookies and chocolate and pizza, but not in great quantities. I haven't gone through a fast food drive through since my surgery, but I do go out regularly to restaurants to eat. If I know I am going out ahead of time, I try to think about and plan what I am going to eat (so I don't automatically choose the bacon cheeseburger with fries and gravy). I have discovered a real affinity for cooked vegetables, which I never knew before! I generally eat between 1000-1200 calories per day, but I eat all foods (including the dreaded carbohydrates). I do not stress if I have a bigger calorie day. I think a huge key to my success has been journalling everything I eat, including quantities. I really like www.thedailyplate.com as an on line, easy to use tool to journal. I try to make sure I eat breakfast every day, and I plan at least one evening snack, as evenings are always the time when I really want to eat (my head hunger times). Most of my Snacks are around 100 calories (vita muffins, turkey pepperoni and 100 calorie popcorn packs are my favorites). The only time I drink Protein shakes is after a fill. I prefer to eat my calories and I have purposefully chosen to approach this journey as a retrain of my eating habits and I now eat what I plan to eat for the rest of my life (maybe I will be able to eat more - let say about 1500 -1800 calories per day once I get to goal, but who knows ). I exercise 4-6 days per week, at least 4x per week at a local gym where I combine cardio with strength or circuit training. Now that it is spring in my part of the world, I am trying to go outside and walk as well. At the gym, I do really well on the eliptical trainer (not as much stress on the joints) but I also walk on the treadmill. Most days, I do at least 4 miles between the two cardio machines (sometimes as much as 7 miles). I think exercise is really important, if not for weight loss, to improve health, strength and flexibility. I hope this helps! Good luck, I have never regretted my decision for a moment

OMG BBK - I am so sorry you have had such a rough time! I hope things are finally looking better for you. I am thinking about you and wishing you "well" thoughts

Hopeful - I am a Canadian, so private insurance for health care is a foreign concept to me. 99% of Canadians who get banded are self pay, as our "universal" health care doesn't cover the band, so there are no issues with BMI (unless health issues preclude). That said, I am one of the lucky 1% who got the band covered by my provincial health care plan. I didn't have any issues getting covered. In my city, the only wls offered is the band, and not privately by self pay either. There are lots of successful banders who started with high BMI's, maybe you can get your dr. to advocate for the success of the band and appeal the denial? Good luck!

Having weighed at least 409 pounds, and also spending years "down" to the 350's because of undiagnosed diabetes and other illnesses, I know what you are saying. I think that one of the differences is that at those weights I had never heard of WLS, and I don't think that if I had even heard of them, I would have had the energy or the self esteem to persue. I was so out of tune with myself that I don't think I could make wise choices for myself when it came to my health. I have a friend who is about 20 pounds overweight, who has told me many times that her 20 is as big a hurdle as my 200 (yeah right - although I just nod my head):smile2: and smile. I sometime get jealous of those folks who "only" have 75 to lose in total. I think that my jealousy stems from the fact that these people are taking charge and control of themselves, when I couldn't or maybe a better word is that I "wouldn't". If I am to get to a healthy BMI, I still have about 60 pounds to lose and for the first time in my life, I believe it is possible. As you go through this journey, focus on losing the weight in a healthy way and retraining your eating habits so that your weight loss is sustainable. I worry more about the people who get so militant about their diet and go for so much restriction that they can't eat real food and treat the band as another diet to be endured until they lose the weight and can go back to being "normal". I don't know how long you have carried your weight, but I have carried it my entire life and my definition of "normal" is changing a whole lot. A huge part of my journey is opening my eyes to myself (maybe for the first time ever) and seeing me for the treasure that I am. I think alot of the lower BMI'ers already "see" themselves and were ready for the journey earlier - or not - just my nickel's worth :tongue2: Chin up - you are not alone and you can do it!!!

Anytime. Just send me a private message to make sure I get it. Good Luck!!!

Tyler - I was referred to the Calgary Weight Management Program in May of 2006, got into the program in October of 2006 and was banded September 25, 2007. Right now, referrals go to the Colonel Belcher Hospital (4th floor). I think the clinic is supposed to move to the old AB Children's hospital soon, but they have been saying that for a year now. I can't tell you about other programs, but I can tell you about my experiences with Calgary and hopefully answer some of your questions. At this time there is NO ability to go self pay with the band in Alberta. Dr. Mitchell is associated with the WMP (along with 3 other surgeons - Dr. Church, Dr. DesCoteaux and Dr. Debru). There are rumors that because of the recently announced cutbacks to the surgery part of the program (only 25 to be funded this year) that Dr. Mitchell is trying to get a private program started, but I don't know how long this takes. I have heard that he is trying to start a clinic and surgeries would be out of the Banff Hospital, but I don't know if that is true. Dr. Lau is ABSOLUTELY associated with the WMC in Calgary. I don't see him medically, but I have seen him around the Belcher on Clinic days more than once. I would be very careful in my responses to him, as I am sure that everyone consults all the various medical professionals involved once you are in the program. I think if you eventually get in, it is up to the surgeons and anesthesiologists to work out if your sleep apnea is too dangerous for surgery. I know I am biased, but I think that the Calgary program is fabulous. It takes a long time to get in, and I don't know what the impacts of the recent announcements will have, but once you are in you have access to all sorts of services and classes. They don't have a diet, per say, but the dietician's talk about eating according to the Canada food Guide and talk about cutting 500-1000 calories from your current diet to lose 1-2 pounds per week. This means using a combination of eating and exercising to create a calorie deficit. A really simple way to gage what you are eating is to log all your intake (www.thedailyplate.com has an easy to use system), including quantities. If you have never done it before, you will probably be shocked and appalled at what and how much you are eating. For most of us, cutting 500 calories a day isn't that difficult and doesn't invole a great deal of personal sacrifice. The workshops they offer include, food and mood, stress and diet, grocery shopping and reading labels. etc. They talk about choosing healthy and lean foods (i.e you should only eat cheese with less than 21% milk fat). The exercise programs they utilize are thru the CHR's Living Well program, and you can get a referral from your dr. to both programs, as they both have long wait lists, but can be accessed independent of each other. Good Luck! :wink2:

I document and count everything. I also bought a food scale and use it when I am using a different Protein. I really like the daily plate as well for an easy web site. The daily plate actually has lots of chain restaurant food as well (or you can google it), so you can account for your choices when you eat out. I just find it helps to keep me on track because by tracking I am very conscious of what I am choosing to eat, and I have little or no risk of starting to eat more and more because I am just eyeballing it or not thinking about it. I have a real history of eating mindlessly, so I am very conscious of trying to retrain myself. I believe that most obesity research says that people underestimate and under report how much they are actually eating.

I was just reading the responses again and I noticed that McMadame indicates her Fat % is 74%. Again I don't get the numbers as she only weighes 12 pounds more than me. I am 5' 4" 1/2.

I am also confused about this. I also have access to the Tanita Body Composition Analyser (you can find out more about this by googling) through my WLC. Anyways, I got the printout on April 4 which indicated that my Fat % was 40.2%, and when I got my printout on May 2, it was down to 33.4%, although I had only lost 2.8 kg (or 6.16 pounds) in that 28 day period. It never occurred to me to ask for the printout before, so I don't have any data to compare it too. According to the same printouts, my fat mass (my weight that is actually fat versus other stuff) went from 38.8 kg to 31.2 Kg. The same machine also says that the desirable range for fat % is 23-34% (although when I googled the result, 34 % is in the "poor" range. I am excited that for the first time in my life, I may be "poor" but at least on one list, I am in the "desirable" range) . Jachut, according to the printout, my target BF% is 20%, so you were right. Now I am not complaining, because the numbers look great to me, but I don't get the math. I am exercising a great deal (both cardio and weights), but I don't get that big of a change from one month to the next. At least with a BMI chart, I know that I am officially "obese" (I just got downgraded from severe obesity - woo hoo).

I still want to eat, even when I know that I am not hungry, just because I am so engrained in the habit of eating every time I even think about food. I use distraction (go on the web, get a drink of Water, call a friend, exercise) in my trouble times (early evening right after dinner). For me, getting over the habit of using food for every mood is a key to success, and is way easier said than done, and as many people have said before me, we get our stomach banded, but there is no band for our brain. A couple of other things that I do: I plan what I am going to eat on a daily basis (I used to just eat without thinking and planning). I have a little notebook where I write down every single thing that I eat - no matter what - I also include how much. Again, this makes me very conscious of what I eat and also conscious about the choice to eat. I find myself questioning my choices and 9 times out of 10 I make a healthier choice, or maybe even choose not to eat anything. As part of my planning, I have food in the house that satisfies me, so that I don't feel deprived (favorites of mine turkey pepperoni (50 calories/stick), 100 calorie popcorn packs, vita muffins (the chocolate are excellent - 2 oz - 100 calories). I plan for at least one evening snack. I still enjoy the foods that I thought would be forbidden (pizza, cake, Cookies, chinese food, etc). I just plan to eat them, the quantities I am going to have and have them occasionally instead of all the time. In other words, I am trying to train myself to be like a "normal" person, I eat everything, but in moderation. I am looking at banding as a lifestyle choice where I am building my eating behaviours around eating in a healthy way, rather than banding being something to be endured until I lose all the weight, and then I can go back to my life. This IS my life now, and I find this attitude really helpful in coping with some of the emotional aspects of wanting to eat.

I know this is really hard for you, but try to use this time productively, and not just as a hoop to jump through. One of the very BEST things I did for myself was see the psychologist through my WLC (I still see her). This can be a huge life change - or not- if you are not really ready for it. Lets face it, we didn't come to the drastic decision of persuing WLS because we have been successful at dieting and exercising. Guess what, if you aren't prepared to change your eating behaviours and patterns (and the lap band does not force you to change your behaviour - it is incredibly easy to "eat around the band"), you will find the journey frustrating and possibly not successful. I agree with those who have recommended that you sit down with the psychologist and talk about his/her concerns. I am assuming that the psychologist has some experience working with obesity and wouldn't have raised the concerns if some red flags had not been raised. I don't use my psychologist to discuss my deep dark secrets and unresolved feelings, but rather we talk about ways that I can use my strengths to succeed in this journey. I think I have grown so much and therapy has been a key part of the journey. I don't think I would be where I am today without that assistance. I truly believe that I have learned enough about myself, that for the first time I have the coping skills and the awareness to not only lose the weight, but keep it off. Chin up, good luck and work hard. You can do it

Well you are really young, and I don't know how long you have carried the extra 200 pounds, so there are some variables that could have some impact, but I have lost over 200 pounds from my "thought to be" heaviest, and my excess skin is not a pretty sight. If you want to compare, I have been overweight all my life, but really got extra large in adulthood. I was at least 409 in the mid to late '90's and was around the 350 mark for most of the 2000's. Of course I carried my weight everywhere, but especially in my trunk and arms. My arms are really bad now (I wave at someone and it takes the bat wings quite some time to stop waving after I am done). I exercise a lot and do lots of arm exercises, so my arms are as toned as they could be, but there is only so much your skin can bounce back from. My stomach is also really bad. No matter how much weight I continue to lose I will still have a lot of excess skin and fat in those areas. I am definitely looking at plastic surgery. When I look at my body, the best way I can think of to describe it naked is that I look like I have deflated. I would much rather be deflated than puffy, round and unhealthy. I hate to tell you this, but I don't think you can look at losing that much weight without having lots of excess skin. It takes alot of skin to hold that weight, and it just can't bounce all the way back. Be ok with who you are, lose the weight and start saving for plastic surgery!! :party: Good luck!

My lap band literature doesn't say not to drink before eating, but I suspect that most dr's tell you not to drink before eating 1. so you actually do stop drinking before eating and 2. if there is any residual liquid in your pouch when you do eat, the food you eat may wash through from your pouch quickly, making you hungry faster. To me, eating around the band is choosing to eat "easy" soft foods that may not contain lots of nutrition, but are easy to get through the band. Because they are easy to eat, there is the temptation to eat more and more over time, defeating the purpose fo the band to keep you full longer by keeping your pouch full with smaller nutritious portions. Hard Protein can be very difficult for lots of bandsters (chicken, beef, pork, etc), so some choose to drink Protein shakes instead. Many protein shakes are pretty high in calories and fat, plus they go thru the band almost immediately, so you aren't going to have the physical sensation of being full. Again you have defeated the main purpose of the band with your behaviour (eating around the band). The band is designed to train you to eat regular foods in smaller portions, not just to eat easy foods. IMHO if you can't eat many foods (not counting the rules of small bites,eating slowly and chew, chew, chew) because they hurt you all the time, you are too restricted and that can also be a disaster. Many bandsters have posted on this forum about not being able to eat, spending months in misery and not losing any weight either, but not wanting to be unfilled even a little because they are so afraid of gaining weight.

You have done so well, but you are also putting incredible pressure on your body (through your non stop exercise) and on your mind (through your frustration and worry). I am wondering if you took some time off, like someone suggested - maybe 3 or 4 days - even a week - eat sensibly, but don't exercise and don't count calories. I don't think it can do any lasting damage to your fitness or weight loss goals and I am thinking your body could use the rest. I also kind of think that our bodies need to adjust to the large weight changes as well. Maybe your body needs to spend some time at 165 getting redistributed - changing some of the Water loss to fat loss. I don't know - I have never been as slim as you (ok maybe when I was 10, but that doesn't count), but I also think our bodies want to hang out at a certain weight and trying to force it to change through excessive exercise isn't helping you at this point. If all else fails, maybe you could try going on a liquid diet for a couple of days (high Protein. low calorie). I know when I do this after a fill, it is usually good for a couple of pounds, but I also recognize that that loss is not fat, but water. Try not to get too discouraged - you have done very well, and your ability to work through a two month plateau (or whatever it is) and not to resort back to eating is a MAJOR victory. Have you ever been able to face weight related adversity like this in the past and not resort to eating? Try and be proud of your achievements and recognize the strong beautiful person you are. :blushing:

Ha ha to both of you. Anyways - define "free" health care. We do have universal health care, and some provinces do not charge for health care, but I pay $46 per month for Alberta Health Care (but apparently as of next January, it will go down to nothing). It is next to impossible to get lap band covered by health care in Canada. My province (Alberta) has been doing some lap band surgeries in the last 2 years, but the wait list is very long and there was just an announcement that the region I live in is cutting back the surgery to 25 per year (this is for a city of over 1 million). The only WLS surgery offered in my city is the lap band (there is no one here doing gastric by pass or the sleeve), and there is no way to pay for the surgery yourself. That said, I was one of the incredibly lucky people who managed to get the band covered by health care, so I didn't pay anything. I also don't pay for fills or ongoing care. In my city, I am one of about maybe 100 or so that have received the surgery. Most Canadians are paying cash for lap band - and going to either Ontario, Quebec, the US or Mexico to the surgery. To get the surgery in Canada costs about $18,0000 CDN, plus travel. We don't really have private insurance plans to cover the surgery. Also, it is very difficult to open a "private" clinic to offer the surgery, so most people have to travel a long distance and cover the costs all by themselves (although they can claim some back through their taxes). In my province there is no private clinic offering the surgery, although there are rumors that people are trying to start one up. WLS is a relatively new field of medical practice in Canada, particularly in the West. There is not a great deal of publicity, and most people have never heard of the lap band. When I tell people hear about my WLS, almost everyone assumes I have gotten my stomach "stapled" and look at me with horror :biggrin:. I do a lot of educating and people are very curious.

Hi Alexandra, food isn't really the enemy - after all we all HAVE to eat - it is the power we give food that gives us our issues. You had a difficult evening where you ate some junk. OK - so what?- there are very few people in this world who don't eat pb cups and oreos (or whatever junk appeals to them). That doesn't make you a failure, it makes you NORMAL. Didn't you go into this journey to be normal? There is good and bad with normal, there is NOT perfection. Ask yourself this, what would have been a binge for you pre band and pre journey? I am suspecting it would have been the entire bag of oreos and the entire back of mini pb cups. To me, this was a little blip, and you will get over it. You already took steps by acknowleding it publically and writing it down (both in fitday and here). You recognized that you didn't like what you did, and you can do something about it, but I think you need to be kinder to yourself (and I don't mean kinder in terms of "allowing" yourself anything to eat that you want to make yourself feel better - that IS the journey back to 300 pounds)!!! What I mean is beating yourself up and negating all the things you love about yourself because of some pb cups and oreos is the road to depression and over eating. I am thinking that you are kind of hormonal right now and you are entitled to a bit of a pity party, but don't forget all you have achieved, by giving chocolate and sweets the power to hurt you more than it already has. You have been in this journey for a long time now and have been phenominally successful. Remember that, remember the confidence you now have and recognize the inner beauty that now shines forth for others to see. Stand back and let the pb cups and oreos go- they are really NOTHING in your world :huh2:

Hi Sandra, I have spent my entire life eating for every emotion. You are right that the lap band does not change the "want" to eat and the head hunger. It is really good that you look into counselling before the band, so you can start to wrap your head around your patterns. The more you know about yourself, the better you can be at adapting your life to what you need it to be to be successful. What the lap band does for me is it helps me to not be hungry (when I have good restriction - although I think I am less restricted than most people seem to be). I don't really have the actual physical ravenous hunger that I used to experience all the time (you know where you can eat an entire meal and then start all over again). It also helps you with portion size, so even if your choices aren't great, they are at least smaller :biggrin:. This is very helpful, but almost 7 months after band I still struggle with wanting to eat, just to eat, because that is what I do and have always done. Evenings are particularly difficult for me. I find it very helpful to write down everything I eat, this way I am accountable to myself for what I eat and I actually have to make the choice to eat it, rather than just unconsciously continuously eating. I also plan my eating for the day and I always include at least one snack (around 100 calories or so) for the evenings. Sometimes I even have two evening Snacks. I pick foods that satisfy me (turkey pepperoni or 100 calorie popcorn) and make me feel like I have eaten something. I also distract myself. I know my hardest time is right after supper. For some reason, I eat supper, I feel full, but I still want to eat! If I can distract myself for about 1/2 hour, I am fine. I often come to this forum or I call someone during my trouble times and this works well for me. I also exercise after work, so by the time I get home and have my supper, it is usually close to 7 pm before I am done. This makes the evening shorter. Do you see my drift - figure yourself out and do what you need to do to cope :smile2: Good Luck!

Thanks Sue, for your kind words. Today I went to the dentist and got a custom tooth mold made and bought some teeth whitener stuff, so maybe I will settle for a blindingly white smile :crying: Cindy, It sounds like you have done great so far!! I stalled at about 237 for about 3 weeks. I didn't really gain, but I was within the same 1 1/2 to 2 pounds and the scale just wouldn't budge downwards. I just kept consistent with my eating and exercise plan and tried not to get discouraged. I "think" what is happening for me is that I lost a lot of weight and my body needed to adjust to that weight loss. I have since found in the last 3 months that I lose 8-12 pounds in about 2 or 3 weeks and then I will go about 2-3 weeks with no loss. It still averages out to a good weight loss every month. I think even those of us with lots to lose have plateaus where our body needs to redistribute what is happening and for the water we lose to change to lost fat. It's frustrating, but just stick with it!!! I have seen other people who post about changing their diet and/or exercise routine to mix up their bodies to jump start the weight loss. For example, if they have been eating 1000 calories a day, they eat 1500 for a day or two. Good Luck!!!

Take your measurements and take pictures. I found that I didn't really see the difference until I saw some pictures. For some reason a camera showed me things that my mirror didn't :hurt:. Also when you go clothes shopping (or brousing) try on some stuff that is a size smaller then you were or you think you are. You would be surprised at how long we wear our old clothes, thinking they look fine and fit the same, when actually they are probably now fitting the way we had hoped and wished they did! I still struggle with trying on clothes that are too big for me. I remember when I went shopping for the first time when my regular clothes were getting ridiculous on me, the sales clerk actually had to tell me that I needed to try on smaller sizes :redface:

WOW SUE - I JUST SAW YOUR TICKER - YOU DID IT - WOO HOO :rant::lol: Sue your plans sound so great. I know that even the idea of being under 200 pounds makes me emotional. I'm not sure why it seems like such a milestone, but I know when I picked my goal of 180 - it was really about being under 200 pounds. I "think" that the last time I was under 200, I was likely about 13 or so. I have no idea of being an adult at that weight! I know what you mean about your mom. My mom died 11 1/2 years ago and she also struggled with her weight (not successfully). She spent my entire childhood trying to help me lose weight, which I actively and passively resisted. I think she would be so proud as well. I don't know what I am going to do. I am hoping to hit onederland sometime in the next month (if I stick to my loss patterns). I am actually at a loss. Part of my decision to get the lap band is that I need a major surgery and that surgeon had sent me away 14 months ago and said not to come back until I lost 100 pounds (I think he was reasonably surprised when I saw him a couple of weeks ago and said "guess what" :hurt:). Now he is talking about doing the surgery and possibly also a tummy tuck at the same time, if all went extremely well with part 1 of the surgery (tt because of the potential complications of all my extra skin and fat in my belly). I was beside myself (it would be covered by health care) and have a referral to see a plastic surgeon on May 26. I don't know what to think or even if I should hope!!!! That seems to be my focus right now - try and lose as much weight as I can, just in case I can get a tt. I think I need a way to celebrate, but I just don't know what to do. Very few people have a clue as to what my weight was, although I have been open in telling people how much I have lost. The bad part of that is that if I tell them I am under 200, they will be able to do the math. I am not sure I am ready for that :redface: I am very proud of you. Keep it up and plan something nice for yourself at some point anyways. You deserve it and I am sure family is in full agreement!

People often rely on smoothies and Protein drinks for the period after surgery when on liquids and mushies. Once you are on solid foods, most (actually I think all) of the literature supporting the Lap Band and most of the medical professionals associated with the band do NOT recommend the regular consumption of smoothies and Protein Drinks. This has nothing to do with the merits or healthiness of the drink. My understanding is that the meals you drink do not stay in your newly banded stomach pouch (they just slide on down), which can be a risk for weight gain as you may not feel full from a shake and may eat other solid food as well. In effect you can be doubling or tripling your calorie intake by drinking your calories, as well as eating, and now you have defeated the purpose of the band, which was to consume fewer calories. All the literature I have seen has recommended that the only "food" of caloric value that you should be drinking is milk. The other purpose of the band is to "retrain" your eating patterns into eating habits that you can maintain for the rest of your life (portion control). To my mind that means eating real food (including the harder to eat meat and vegetables) that you will always be eating for ever. Being banded shouldn't be about enduring or tolerating a diet for the time it takes you to lose weight, but a complete readjustment to lifestyle. Do you plan on getting much of your nutrition from shakes and smoothies for the rest of your life? If not, you probably don't want to get into the habit of relying on them. Think about how Jenny Craig and other diets get you to eat their food. They work great as long as you eat their food, but you haven't actually made changes in your life to accommodate, so many (if not most) people put on the weight again once they start eating "regular" food, because they haven't learned to control portions and fat and calories themselves. Just my 2 cents :blushing:

Congratulations Sue!!! That is so awesome. Are you excited to be that close to onederland? What will you do to celebrate? :blushing:

I was thinking about you today. I hope all went well. Let us know how you are doing when you are up to it. :tongue_smilie:

I often get the gas like shoulder pain when I am either very empty (haven't eaten in 5 or more hours) or when I am too full (unfortunately I don't get the pain until long after I have finished eating).

You know Boo Boo you have worked so hard and achieved so much that I don't think its surprising that you are feeling a little lost. You used to know where you fit into the world, and then your focus became losing weight and getting healthy. I am in the middle of the process and I was talking to an acquaintance last week (funny that it wasn't with someone I am close to ) and I said that in some ways I feel like a new born. I don't know quite what is happening and what to expect next. It can be very exciting, but then it can be terrifying as well. Sometimes I feel really down and dissatisfied and that scares me, because for the most part I have been really focused and I wonder how I will feel and how I will handle it when the weight loss part of my journey is over. You've done such a fabulous job and been such an inspiration to so many, maybe you need to take some time to get to the know you. Not as others see you, but who you really are. Your outside is now as beautiful as your inside always was, but what does that mean? You used to be able to define yourself by the labels (the fat, funny girl) that helped you cope and survive. Now they don't fully apply (I'm sure you are still funny), so how to define yourself? You are so much more than those labels of fat or skinny - now you just need to convince yourself that the complex person you are (the good and bad) is ok to let loose on the world! :thumbup: I think many of us are afraid to let others see us, beyond our labels, so we don't have to risk rejection. Our labels give us some strength and power and confidence in a world that can be hostile. After all, if someone calls me fat - so what? - I know that is what I am and you can't really damage me for calling me something that I call myself (meantime my inside voice is saying "besides which I am also funny - what are you other than mean and ugly?") What kind of activities do you enjoy? Do you have some dreams that you haven't quite had the courage to vocalise because of other things in your life (including your weight holding you down?). Have you talked to your close friends about how they see you now? Now that you don't have to focus on losing weight - What do you want to focus on? What is your new goal and what do you need to do to achieve it? You have shown yourself to be phenomenally successful at achieving your goals, now you need to find a new one that satisfies you in a different way! I am so proud of the way you have approached this journey, and the courage you have shown by revealing yourself, in so many ways. You have helped so many people on this forum, whether they have just "lurked" or whether they have actually responded to your posts. You are one of the people who I would consider to be most inspirational and I smile whenever I log in and see your beautiful new look at the top of the page. :thumbup: